BFN after MC...How do you keep going?

Jmaddiso

I've taken 3 tests in the last week. All BFN. It's been beyond disappointing. And we haven't been at this too terribly long. This is just the first try after our mc in February. So we were both hoping for it to be a BFP.  My SO is much more optimistic than i am this morning. He said that maybe it's still too early. Except i think i'm cramping for my expected cycle today. I burst into tears and said that we have too much against us like both of our weights (we're both a bit over weight, though my doc never said i should loose weight before we get pg), he still smokes (i quit), he won't eat enough vegetables, and then there's the last ovulation time frame where i felt like i had to beg him to have sex. I think we got it on twice in the time-frame (I'll know more about when i ovulated once my period comes, since this is the first cycle post mc), and i kept saying...ya gotta have sex to have a baby! I'm so frustrated. So disappointed. I have to ask...how do you keep trying? Keep going? Keep testing month after month with no luck and stay optimistic that it'll be a positive test the next? I'm really just curious. 

vballgirl78

I don't have any answers for you other than to say I understand your frustration.  I kept reading all this info that fertility was supposed to be higher right after a m/c, so after our loss I was so confident it would happen quickly.  That wasn't the case for me and it has been hard each month.  I'm trying to relax about it all and focus on other things in the meantime- right now my focus is on trying to lose some weight and get healthier.  Its giving me something different to "obsess" about- even though I'm still really focused on TTC.  Hang in there!

sidey1

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through, I've been there more than once and I know how difficult it is.. 

As the PP suggested, sometimes it can be helpful to find something else to focus on for a little bit, I was religious about listening to a fertility recording (I recommend Circle & Bloom, if nothing else it really really helped me zone out and relax and usually fall asleep lol) I also found it really helped to be completely transparent with DH and told him every thing that needed to happen in order for us to get a BFP, it really helped him realize he needed to have his head 100% in the game if we wanted to make it happen...hugs

Guennie

Siggy warning.

Lurker here- I just wanted to give you some hope. When I was on this board I was dismally lost with so many doubts and fears just like you. I suffered 3 losses in just over a year. My DH smokes and eats terribly and I really started to think it might have something to do with our losses. While quitting and getting more healthy is certainly something you should continue to encourage, there are plenty of smokers and people with an unhealthy diet having kids. It finally happened for us, despite DH continuing to smoke and eat junk.

It's impossible to turn off all the fears and I know how hard the letdown is each cycle you get a bfn. But you can try to take some of the burden off yourself by actively participating in the life you already have and doing things you enjoy with your SO. Your body will relax if you find things that make you happy to keep you occupied. And keep reaching out for support when you need it. This board really helped me keep going.

I am very sorry for your loss and I hope you will find success with no further bumps in the road!

Jmaddiso

Thank you all so much for the insight i needed this morning. I feel better now than i did a few hours ago. My SO and i discussed some things as he's frustrated as well. We are both trying so hard to maintain a positive outlook and have faith that it will happen when it's supposed to. As one of my very good friends says, everything in it's own season.

@Guennie, i'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I know how hard this last one was on me, i just can't imagine what you must have been through. I appreciate your insight. I try to keep that in mind as well...tons of unhealthy people have babies every day! Right?! Yes. We aren't too terribly high on the BMI index, but we're creeping up there. He's been trying to quit, but he's a stress smoker. However, he went from a carton a week to 3 packs a week. Which is a good start! I have no doubt that he'll quit eventually. It's just one of those things...it's hard.

I too, hope that you will find your success soon!!

C_Girlie

Sorry about ur m/c. Try to remain calm and positive. It will happen when the time is right, at least that's what I tell myself. Hopefully next cycle will be the one

kindershlitz

I'm sorry for your loss and frustration. It's a very emotional journey for sure. Since we have been trying awhile I agree w/pp that being really open with DH is helpful. But for others, it seems like their DHs don't care for the pressure so maybe discussing with him would help? My DH and I could also stand to get healthier. Baby steps I guess. But anyway, gl to you

CaraH

*child mentioned* This is my second cycle after mc; the first where we really tried. It's a BFN for me, too. But, I'm reminding myself that the mc means we can get pregnant. Since we have that lovely undetermined infertility and no obvious barriers aside from being 37, that's good news. It just takes us awhile. We're at 2 years 3 months. It took right at 2 1/2 years to conceive our daughter. She was worth the wait. And, honestly, one of the things I did to stay sane this week was step away from this board. It's a great and supportive place, but coming here several times a day was not helping me not obsess. I got a good book from the library and picked that up whenever I was tempted to pick up the IPad.

danieleandwayne

*warning: dd mentioned*

First of all, sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

Second of all, it took me three cycles after my MC to get pregnant with dd. And my second cycle post-MC, my ovaries burst their ovulatory cysts early before the egg was really ready. So that cycle was a total bust. I wanted to cry and pull my hair out that month. By then, it had been 17 months of trying. And the MC was a mixed blessing-- I felt on the one hand that "yay! I can actually get pregnant" but then on the other hand, I started feeling like I was never going to be have eggs and ovulation that would result in a successful pregnancy. 

And yes-- there are tons of people who smoke, do drugs, eat crap, etc. and get knocked up like rabbits. But that wasn't going to be the case for us, obviously-- despite our healthy diets, non-smoking, non-drug-taking (not even NSAIDs) lifestyles, we weren't getting pregnant. 

Maybe your DH's diet and smoking doesn't matter-- but maybe it does. Not only does his smoking affect his sperm, but the 2nd and 3rd hand smoke you're exposed to can also affect your body. And I don't know you-- has your DH had an SA to discount any issues with his swimmers? Your extra weight will only be an issue if you have PCOS and/or sugar-insulin issues. 

IF sucks. You have every right to feel defeated every month. I hope you can find the energy and emotional resolve to keep going if you are not ready to give up yet. We were so glad we kept going, because if we had given up that month that my ovaries didn't ovulate correctly, we would not have our beautiful DD now. 

Hang in there! ((hugs)) 

Jmaddiso

My update today....still no AF. Nothing. No cramps, no symptoms that i ALWAYS get...nada! The "cramps" i had yesterday dissipated and went away...which they never do, so i assume they were gas. Still hoping maybe we'll get that bfp on Wednesday when i retest if AF hasn't appeared.

@kindershlitz ~ We talked a good bit yesterday. We have a super open relationship and communicate quite well. He's the kind of guy that wants nothing more than to make his spouse happy, which is very sweet. So we went for a long walk yesterday and talked about everything. He said he felt like it's his fault since he was tired from work that week, but we've got the next window on the calendar...and we are starting a walking routine after he gets home from work. It was fun yesterday...so maybe we'll both start to firm up in places. Baby steps.

@CaraH ~ That's what my doc told me too! It's not that i can't get pg, it's staying pg. And she is confident it was a chromosomal issue because it was so early. So there's that. Yea, i'm with you. I try not to be online all day long...some days it's easier than others. But it doesn't do me any good. A friend of mine just sent me a big thick book, almost 1000 pages (i can be a slow reader, so this will be interesting!), so maybe it's time i take to it.

@danieleandwayne ~ I know this girl, she's an acquaintance, but a total hippie child (i am too for that matter, but not nearly to her extreme), who announced to the world, and our circle that she was pg in March. About the time i would have if i hadn't mc. We were a week apart with our due dates. I saw her a week after her announcement and she says to me, that she hopes her "parasite" inside her is going to be ok, since in January she had been doing a ton of acid and smoked a lot of pot. I wanted to smack the s*$# out of her! That's about the time where i blurted out that i had mc. It kind of fell out of my mouth as i wasn't planning on saying anything. It's gotten easier, but man...that day and week following, was rough!! Here we were, adults, who wanted so badly to have a baby, and who were SO excited to be parents and our lil sprout was taken from us. Then there was her...hadn't thought about it, didn't necessarily want to have kids yet, can barely take care of herself and parties all day every day and BOOM! Pg. Not that it's her fault or anything...it was just one of those things that was so bitterly unfair, it was hard to put into words.

My SO doesn't smoke inside our place. Ever. Or in the car for that matter. So i'm not exposed to a lot of 2nd hand smoke. He's trying to quit and gets a little closer each day. I smoked up until i found out we were pg in January, but haven't gone back to it. The weight thing...i'm type 1 diabetic. And both docs say, "yea, you can loose a few pounds, but you don't have to before getting pg". They don't feel it's necessary to wait. Which is a good thing i guess since i'm not getting any younger and my window is shorter than the average woman with diabetes against me.

I appreciate all the support!! Thanks you all!

Davie813

No words of wisdom.  I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having a tough time.  Hugs to you.

danieleandwayne

Ugh, I was working in the ED and the ICU when I had my MC. And seeing all the meth addicts with no jobs, no healthcare, etc. coming in who "thought" they might be pregnant because they hadn't gotten their periods in 4 months-- well, it made me think thoughts that were not compatible with the oath I swore when I became a nurse. 

I think your body is still regulating itself after the MC. Every woman's body returns to "normal" at its own pace. Do you chart? Can I see it? I wonder if you didn't ovulate at your normal time... so that would throw off your LP.

Samuelismomma

Sorry for your loss:( I've been there and just wanted to say your not alone..and big hugs!

mindaa

Sorry for your loss and frustration.

Seriously, don't beat yourself (and DH) up over lifestyle factors... I'm a vegetarian and at a healthy weight and what do the acupuncturists tell me? That I need to eat more meat and exercise less. WTF - How can anyone get it right?!

Krullebol

I am sorry about your BFN, I guess people will react differently, After our lat BFN which was two weeks ago, we decided to stop for the time being. I am truly exhausted of the hormones so DH was very supportive. These things can really have an impact on your relationship so I would take things easy...best wishes to you

Jmaddiso

@danieleandwayne ~ after last night when AF finally showed up, i can say, we were off by a few days in ovulation. The biggest issue was that this was the first cycle to chart, so i was starting over and had no idea when things would happen. So frustrating. Also the mc changed my cycle a bit. Only by 2 days, but still. I was 26 days and now i'm 28. In the land of TTC and Ovulation prediction, 2 days matters! So now we have the dates for May. And i'm starting to temp chart in addition to the apps on my phone.

I can only imagine how hard that would be to deal with danieleandwayne! Bless your heart!!

Thank you @Samuelismomma.

@mindaa ~ RIGHT?! Ugh! It can be totally exhausting! I guess i'm more frustrated with my weight than my docs. Clearly. And it's not like it shows. Somehow i hide it very well. But after the mc i couldn't even get off the couch and shower every day. I was totally depressed and shaken. I took to eating all the baked goods in the house, and a half pint of Ben & Jerry's for 4 days straight...so i put on about 12 pounds. Then i lost it...then added 5 back. Maybe it really doesn't matter. It's not like my BMI is a 40 or something. I'm within range...just on the higher end.

@Krullebol ~ Thank you. I'm sorry for your BFN as well. I keep thinking "everything in it's own season" as my friend tells me. I guess officially, we've only been ttc for 4-5 months? It's hard to pinpoint since we actually were pg for 2 months, then had to wait a month for the green light to try again after the mc. And perhaps if we hadn't of had to deal with that, we'd be a bit more happy about ttc right now. It's just hard when i see pg women EVERYWHERE and i think, why not me?

Best wishes to all!! Thank you for your support!!

URMySunshine77

Hi there,

I just want to peek in and say that I am very sorry for your loss. Although I have not experienced a loss, I can sympathize with many of your feelings about temping, trying to identify an O, getting DH on board, and TTC in general. Sending a virtual hug and hope that this next cycle is better. 

Guennie

Siggy warning, child mentioned.

Try to remember that your body just needs a little time to find it's groove again after a loss. It took mine freaking forever so the fact that your cycle returned only two days off is actually a splendid event!

I didn't mention this before but I had my daughter just a few months before turning 41. And I thought I had missed my window the month I got my bfp. Take a deep breath and tell yourself it's still possible. Stay focused on being healthy without STRESSING about it. Hugs!

LindsayF24

Just wanted to offer you some hugs and support.

TAT2MAMI

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there and try to keep positive. Best of luck to you!!

Jmaddiso

Thanks everyone for the kind words of support and well wishes!!

I'm feeling good now, and realized we were off a couple days this last time, so we're both excited to ttc this month with positive results! SO is definitely on board and ready! I have 2 apps now both with the same predictions, which is super helpful, since last month they were 4 days apart. Also temping and charting, so i feel positive that this is our month!! My 35th birthday is next week which also opens our window. Maybe it's a sign.

Davie813

Jmaddiso said:

Thanks everyone for the kind words of support and well wishes!!

I'm feeling good now, and realized we were off a couple days this last time, so we're both excited to ttc this month with positive results! SO is definitely on board and ready! I have 2 apps now both with the same predictions, which is super helpful, since last month they were 4 days apart. Also temping and charting, so i feel positive that this is our month!! My 35th birthday is next week which also opens our window. Maybe it's a sign.

I hope so!  Glad you're feeling better.  Happy birthday and good luck!

kellsnajay

Just wanted to offer some love and *hugs*. After my only m/c, I became obsessed with my cycle and it became so clinical that my marriage ended in divorce shortly after not conceiving again. The only advice I can offer, is breathe, and often. Try to enhance(i.e. eat healthy, no smoke, etc) what you can physically control now and walk away when it gets too crazy for a minute.

Jmaddiso

Thanks for the advice @kellsnajay . My ovulation window is now over with. I've been temping and putting info into a couple of apps on my phone. We've had a better chance this time than we did last month, so we both feel pretty positive about it. Now we wait. Hopefully we'll know something in the next 10 days. Crossing fingers!!