I need a virtual hug- tell me something funny please!

Sweetiepops

I have a terrible cold and am feeling so sorry for myself today! I have been lying in bed all day watching movies. DH just left for the evening, he is in a wedding party and they are getting together to plan the bachelor party tonight, so I'm all alone My house is a mess and I don't have the energy to clean it. Tell me a funny story and make me laugh, please!

sunshineinmay09

Aw, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Try not to worry about your messy house and work on taking care of yourself instead!

How about some chuck Norris jokes?

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can speak French...in Russian.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

(Stupid autocorrect kept trying to change chuck to chick!)

sunshineinmay09

And this funny blonde joke someone posted on FB awhile ago.


An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet
Twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I
WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men

megbmeg

Sorry about the crummy day! I'm not so good at telling jokes but Mitch Hedberg is amazing at it: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7auvTMm47uM

Sweetiepops

hahaha thanks ladies, you are awesome!! Love the Chuck Norris, great "blonde" joke, Pitch Perfect is amazing, and I LOVE Mitch Hedberg! Thanks for taking the time to make me smile