Loss Check-in

shandorfml2

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief?

Whats on your mind this week?

lexusolsen

This week I went back and visited work for the second time. This time I was able to talk to people without getting teary eyed. That's a huge step for me since I go back on the 6th. I also packed up my maternity clothes yesterday. It was so difficult but it will be nice not to look at them anymore.

My next step is finally get Ben's baby book started/ done. Since my time at home is ending soon I want to make sure it's done before I get distracted by work.

Talking has really helped me deal with my grief. There's a woman I work with who had a placental abruption many years ago. I talked to her both times I have gone back. I think it helps me feel more prepared to go back to work. I don't have to pretend I'm ok if I'm not and she gets that.

This week I have been really angry when I see or hear of people who are reckless with their children's safety. It's not fair that they get to keep their babies and I can't have mine. An old friend asked if we were going to try again. I wanted to scream "he hasn't even been dead for two months! Back off!" But I just calmly told her we aren't ready to think about that yet. How do people (especially people like her who have kids) not understand that I lost my baby not some replaceable object?!

LyndseyTS

@lexusolsen Way to go on being back at work and being able to talk! It's a huge step. I sometimes still tear up depending on the topic at hand. I'm so glad that someone there understands. It makes all the difference for me to know that even a single person is going to "get it" without me needing to explain everything. It makes me feel more normal. Hopefully it will do that for you too when you go back.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
This is going to sound sort of silly, but I've been decluttering my house. This has been healing both in action and because the reason I'm doing it is for Serenity. I want to make sure that I can have the biggest positive impact on others possible and put the actual important things first and all of my crap is slowing me down. For me, making healthier choices is a way for me to honour her and the change she would have brought to my life were she still living.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Well, I just accepted a full-time long-termish teaching position, so I guess my goal is to get back into the groove of full-time work, do my best for those kids, and be understanding of myself and respectful of my grief journey along the way.
I'm also hoping that there will be some counseling coverage with the new job so that I can look into counseling for my new anxiety issues.

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief?
People who will listen. A good cry. An angry rant to God. Reading books and hearing the stories of others who have experienced similar losses. Letting myself be enough and trying to accept that there isn't anything I can to change it, but that I can not and will not ever forget her. Taking small steps to change the course of my life in honour of my daughter.

Whats on your mind this week?
It's been a little bit stressful, especially today. Today we went back to the hospital where I delivered our daughter to visit a good friend of my husband's who is dying (he has incurable cancer...I've posted on it before). I thought that I could do it, but I just couldn't make it past the lobby. I feel shame about it, as if I "should have" been able to do it for him. I mean, what if it's the last time I had to see him (and it very well could be)? I would feel terrible. At the same time, it's so hard to deal with the anxiety and emotions of being back there. Maybe I'll try again later this week. Maybe. Any tips from anyone whose been "back"?

ETA: Apparently I skipped a question the first time around. Someone help me find my brain!

TeamWinForever

@LyndseyTS‌ I work as a nurse in the hospital where Fiona was born and died. While I am not back to work yet, we have been back once to attend a support group meeting. I try to remind myself that the hospital is a big place and that L&D/triage,etc is only a tiny fraction. Luckily, I work in the surgical department so I have no real daily contact with moms and babies. Try just taking a deep breath and doing it-if you can park in a different place or take a different route so you aren't near L&D, etc try doing that. It's hard; really, really hard, but I think in the end you will be glad you went to visit your friend. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

shandorfml2

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Hmm. Not sure. It's been a pretty good week.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Continue losing weight and getting healthy. Make it through Mothers day!

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief? Talking (with Mom, H, therapist, friends) reading about loss and the afterlife, journaling, visiting my daughter's grave, talking to my daughter

Whats on your mind this week?I miss her. I am so proud of my baby girl, and everyone she has touched. I love her and miss her so much

shandorfml2

@aragosta big hugs honey. Sorry its been a rough week. ((hugs)))

@LyndseyTS Decluttering is very theraputic! I wish I had the motivation to do that

GymSpaz26

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? A couple things I guess. One, I guess was last week, but I didn't check-in last week... I wrote a paper about losing my son for a class. The idea was to write about a time you have felt part of a minority or like an outsider. So I wrote about losing my son, being a mom, but not a mom, and becoming a part of the small minority of mothers who have lost a child to SIDS. It was difficult, but felt so good! I've read it to several close friends and mentors as well, which has felt very healing.

Also, I've been preparing because on Tuesday I will be speaking to a Mops (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at my church about our loss, my process of healing and what I've been learning. I'll also be talking a lot about walking through depression and anxiety along with the grief. This is a huge step and I'm a little nervous. But at the same time I'm really excited for the opportunity and hope that my story can be encouraging to others.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think I've got all sorts of new goals right now. I will be doing an indoor triathlon in a couple weeks, which is basically however much you can swim, bike, and run in 20 minutes of each. So I'm trying to keep training and getting more ready for that.

 Make it through Mother's Day. We wanted to do something special, but church, restaurants, everywhere I think will just be overwhelming and hard. So we decided to do an overnight backpacking trip as something special Sunday-Monday. So I need to figure out where to go and such!

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief? Talking with good friends. Hugs and cuddles from my husband. My newfound love of running and other exercise.

Whats on your mind this week? Today our boy would be 6 months old. I'm sad, but I've been okay. I miss him, but I'm also trying to accept and look to the future. It seems like an eternity has gone by, but at the same time nothing but the blink of an eye.

dadalou

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I don't think so.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? No new goals. Still working on getting healthy and getting some muscles back. It's getting really frustrating that the scale has gone up since I started and I don't seem to be getting smaller either. I actually weigh more now than about a week after Nathaniel's birth.

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief? Being outside by myself, writing, talking to people who let me be real with them

Whats on your mind this week? I never want to meet new people again. I didn't like it in the first place and I think small talk is stupid. Now I have the constant anxiety of answering questions about my family. I was asked how many kids I had this week by another mom at the park. I might see her again so I told her that I had two, but one died. I was anxious the whole rest of the time that we were there because there were a few other people that were new too. I hate having the conversation. Multiple times in one day is just torture.

Jellybean71514

*hugs* to all who made it through another week- I feel like I checked in on the other thread the I the day so not much more happening tonight for me, still on track and pushing through the days - xo

LyndseyTS

Also sending hugs to you @aragosta‌ and @chickinNH‌. If it was your first day back chickin, (which I think it would be based on your previous post?) it will get easier. Not easy, but easier. And there will always be moments where you just feel grief overwhelm you. Sending hugs your way. You are NOT a failure. This stuff is hard. This stuff with all of the extras of "normal" life - even harder.

shandorfml2

Just want to offer hugs to everyone who needs them...

gracie5107

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I'm not sure.  This was my first full week back at work (I generally work M-W, so my official work week is over) and I'm glad to get that under my belt.  However, I have been so much sadder this week.  I think the idea of "moving on" is really getting to me.  I miss my baby so, so much. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?   I'm really trying to work hard on losing my pregnancy weight.  I'm following the weight watcher's point plan on my own (no groups or anything like that) and running.  I have 15 pounds to lose and it seems a bit overwhelming to me right now, but I hope that as I see progress it will seem more attainable to me. 

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief? When I'm feeling especially dark and having a hard time stopping thinking about sad things, I make myself stop and list 10 things I am thankful for.  This has helped me get out of an immediate funk when needed. 

Whats on your mind this week? Anxious about TTC thoughts.  I got my testing results back this week and they were all normal.  We're still waiting for the chromosomal results for my husband.  If everything is normal that gives us the go ahead for TTC.  However, we're both so scared and vulnerable right now.  One day I want to TTC right now, the next I am terrified.  My husband is older, so if we are going to TTC we don't feel like we have the luxury to wait forever. 

Bgirma

@gracie5107- I'm sorry that you've had a tough week. Going back to work was a huge step for me but it was also really difficult. I also had a lot of anxiety about "moving on" or forgetting our son. It's been four months since we've lost him and we still talk about him everyday. I'm sure you and your husband will remember and continue to honor Juliana Grace's memory (what a beautiful name, btw). 

@chickinNH- I'm sorry that going into the office was difficult. I'm proud of you for making a half day! Seriously, it's difficult! I worked from home for my first two months back and it was difficult for me. Hang in there.  

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
We had our March of Dimes walk on Saturday and it was a really great day. Our team raised over $7,500 and we had about 50 walkers. It was FREEZING but the sun was shining. It was difficult, at moments, but I feel really lucky that so many people came to support us. 
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

I've been avoiding designing and ordering our son's headstone. The snow has finally melted so I don't have that excuse anymore. It just feels so final, like it's the last thing we get to do from me and I'm not ready to have it be done yet. But I know that my husband really wants it installed so it's there when we visit. So, I think that's my next goal. Confronting my anxiety about that and getting it done. 

QOTW: What helps you deal with your grief? 
Talking to my husband, thinking about nice things to do in my son's name,  

Whats on your mind this week? 

Still struggling with my feelings towards trying to conceive again. My husband and I tentatively agreed to start trying this cycle and I was really excited but now, as the window approaches, I'm having second thoughts. I'm not sure that I'm ready. 

gracie5107

@bgirma Awesome job on raising money for March of Dimes!  I hope to be involved next year.  Also, lots of luck in making progress towards ordering a headstone.  I completely understand about not wanting to take that final step.  I also want to keep having things to do "for Juliana" and feel bittersweet about each step that brings things more to closure.  However, I keep reminding myself that I can always continue to do things "for her" or to honor her by making donations to help children, giving diapers/toys/etc, and generally doing good things for kids in her name.