Need outside points of view - long — The Bump
Stay at Home Moms

Need outside points of view - long

jensriotjensriot member
edited April 2014 in Stay at Home Moms

My niece is having major hip surgery a couple days after mother's day. Six week recovery with one in the hospital. My sister has a ton going on the weekend before; younger niece's dance recital on Sat, post dance get together at her house, her niece's 1st communion (moved to that weekend to accommodate surgery date), mothers day events planned for a long time, other little things that need to be done for surgery (pre op, packing, etc.). Our dad and SM originally planned to come help out during surgery week (they live in AZ). Our mom also wants to be there (lives in WI). Sister is in MI.

Dad and SM changed plans in late March. They are now bringing SM's mom, brother and his wife arriving Sat. They also invited SM's Ohio family to come to MI and visit (we've never met them). Dad and SM told my sister that they would not attend the recital, but spend time with Ohio family instead. Also, instead of staying for a week after surgery, they are leaving the day after the surgery to meet her bio brothers in another state earlier than planned. Ok.

Last week they decided to attend the recital. My sister was able to get tickets. They also want sister and family to go out to dinner after the recital. Sister says no, they already have dinner planned with about 10 guests. SM asks if she can just take the girls out to dinner then. Sister says no, but they are welcome to join everyone at her house, plenty of room. No dice, our mom will be there and dad doesn't want to be near her. They then ask if she can pull the girls from school on Monday to hang out. The Ohio family are leaving Sunday. They also expressed their displeasure that she is spending mothers day with our mom and her husband's family. They knew this at the beginning of March.

TODAY, dad calls my sister at work and tells her that he feels like he is playing "second fiddle", she needs to come up with a better plan and call him back. She offered to spend Saturday before the recital with them, but he said that wouldn't work. Saturday night won't work because he doesn't want to be in the same place as my mom (divorced for 30 years btw). Sunday is jammed packed and they knew this in early March.

My sister is a people pleaser and it is tearing her up. She doesn't know what to do. I am NOT a people pleaser, so my advice is to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. But, I'm biased.

If you read that novel, thank you! What are your thoughts? I'm happy to add more info, just didn't want to make this crazy long. I wish I lived close to her to help with this cluster. I'm in TX.

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C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

 

Re: Need outside points of view - long

  • Since he's your dad too, I think you have every right to butt in and talk some sense into him. Maybe ask your sister if she wants you to do that?
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    rachie1019Arnegardjensriot
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  • @Spin313 My dad and I don't talk much over the phone. In person, we get along great, we just don't keep it up over the phone. He hasn't said any of this to me yet. I'll have to call and hear his side. He doesn't tend to discuss stuff that goes on between them with me though, I may have to pry.

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    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

  • I think you could totally pry. Start it off something like, "listen, (sister) asked me to give you a call because she feels like you're putting her in a really tough place. You know she's got a lot on her plate right now, would you mind brainstorming with me a bit to see if we can figure out a plan that will make everyone happy?..."
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    jensriot
  • I think your dad is being a jerk. Seriously it's been 30 yrs. get over yourself. My parents had not one but 2 ugly divorces and 15 yrs later can get together to celebrate or help out me or their grandchildren.
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    jensriot
  • Your dad is being a drama queen. It sounds more to me like he's putting your sister in second place, yet expecting her to make all kinds of crazy accommodations for them. I would definitely stick up for her. Also, I think at some point divorced parents need to get over it and learn to get along (barring something like abuse) for the sake of the kids/grandkids, asking people to work around that for 30 years is very selfish IMO.
    Arnegardjensriot
  • I would call my dad and tell him he is being ridiculous and he needs to either suck it up and be around your mom and attend the family events or come visit at another time.
    jensriot
  • These responses are a lot of my thoughts too. When planning for my wedding, my dad was paying for a portion of the flowers. He told me to be sure that none of his money was used toward my mom's flowers. Crazy.

    Their plans (after they decided on the family reunion) didn't include my sister or the kids for Saturday and Sunday anyway. Now that she has told them no, they are pushing for more time with the kids and playing the victims. I just feel bad for her, this is not what she needs right before this surgery. On top of it all, she's unexpectedly pregnant, so a little overwhelmed right now. I'm thinking more and more that I need to step in some way.

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    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

    Arnegard
  • Oh and I'm not opposed to hearing opinions on the other side as well. I'll fully admit I'm biased and maybe too emotionally charged about this to make a wise decision. Anyone want to play devil's advocate? I need to calmly see all sides before I flip out on the phone. :)

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    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

  • tell her to give him a schedule of events, what time recital is, dinner, etc and where her and her kids are.  If they want to come, they will come.  If not, tough luck.

    30 years divorced and they can't be near each other?  I'm sorry, suck it up for your kids and your grandkids.  It's time to get over it.
    To my boys:  I will love you for you Not for what you have done or what you will become I will love you for you I will give you the love The love that you never knew
    [Deleted User]Arnegard[Deleted User]jensriot
  • I like the idea of a schedule of events. I suggested this to her, kind of an itinerary for the weekend that also shows free time. Then the ball is in his court, he can schedule for some of that free time or attend something already planned. It could take the pressure off her. We'll see what she thinks.

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    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

  • I think you should step in.  You can even acknowledge that it doesn't directly involve you, but you are concerned about your sister's welfare.  She has too much on her plate right now to deal with this.  Being a people pleaser, she will not say what needs to be said.  You can tell him that he needs to figure out what will work within the confines of your sister's schedule.  If that means he needs to be uncomfortable for a few hours, so be it.  If he can't manage that, he doesn't need to attend.

    My sisters have done this for me more than once, as I have done for them.  It is one of the great things about having siblings.

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    jensriotrachie1019
  • Yeah, whether you talk to your dad or not, I'd talk to your sister and affirm that she does not need to feel bad and that your dad is being unreasonable and selfish. Her daughter has a big surgery coming up....that alone is a huge deal. It's her prerogative to decide what will work for her family and what won't, and if dad doesn't want to cooperate, too bad for him.

    I also think making a schedule and just telling everyone "this is the plan" is a good way to make things clear and not personal.
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    jensriot
  • ArnegardArnegard member
    edited April 2014
    I'm with you.  She has too much on her plate to accommodate him.  So sad that you arranged a family reuinion to meet you on my turf when I have the craziest, most hectic week ever.  FU.

    Oh and FU to your Dad for being insulted that his daughter wants to spend Mother's day with her MOM!

    jensriot[Deleted User]
  • Dad sucks, sister needs help sticking up for herself, so you do it! :)
    [Deleted User]jensriot[Deleted User]rachie1019
  • I've tried to play Devil's advocate or to see his side and I just can't.  There is no way about it, your dad is being very inconsiderate and self absorbed here.  Keep telling your sister that she is doing nothing wrong here except perhaps being a pushover.  She needs to do what is best for her daughter's well being and not be concerned about selfish adults like your dad.

    Maybe the two of your can come up with some sort of plan or itinerary and tell your dad he is invited to join them, but if he can't, she will understand.  Don't change her plans though and certainly don't take the kids out of school.  

    I might also give your dad a phone call and tell him to knock it off.
    jensriotnotkateanymore
  • Even as adults, it's tough being a child of divorce. I feel bad for your sister, he's putting extra stress on her, which she doesn't need at this point. If it was me, he'd be waiting a long time for that phone call.
    jensriot
  • Totally agree with everyone else. He's being ridiculous and giving your sister hassle she doesn't need. I like the idea of sending out an itinerary and saying, "Here's the schedule of what we're doing, hope you can join us for some or all events."
    DD - 12/31/13
    rachie1019
  • Thank you everyone! She liked the idea of making a schedule and giving him the option for whatever free . time is available and saying he is welcome to join the already planned activities. While putting it to paper she realized that Monday was more open. So dad and SM will pick up the kids from school and they'll all have dinner together. I think it's win win. She didn't back down and the kids get to see their grandparents. My sister and I talk every couple of days, so she knows she has my support. Now I think I'll talk to dad tomorrow and make sure he doesn't plan any more shenanigans.

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    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

    [Deleted User]raraavis28
  • jlpevjlpev member
    MamaKct said:

    It sounds like dad and SM are using some middle ground (MI) to hold a family reunion of sorts.  That is very selfish considering the surgery.  Your sister shouldn't be expected to cater to anyone, if they want to be there for your niece, dad and SM will need to suck it up and attend something already planned.  If they are more concerned with seeing SM's family then so be it. Your sister needs to tell them that she feels like 2nd fiddle and they need to decide what is important to them.  

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