Should I report this? — The Bump
Stay at Home Moms

Should I report this?

I mentioned in another post about a friend joking about her 4 year old finding her passed out in her closet covered in vomit after a night of drinking. People mentioned I should report it but I think I didn't mention her husband was home taking care of the kids. So she drank, passed out, husband got up with the two kids, one came to find her in the closet, covered in puke and passed out. Her mom and my mom are good friends. Her mom was probably a functioning alcoholic, but seems to have mellowed with age. My mom does say her friend, my friends mom, does mention being concerned for daughter and the grand kids, but not for drinking issues, more for how my friend over schedules them, her and her husband use babysitters too much, etc. so she is critical. My friend is a very successful CFO, her husband is a doctor. If I say something I am pretty sure our friendship will be over. Should I mention anything? We go out to coffee maybe 3 times a year, that is about it. So not super close. But we were at one point. Question is, in that scenario, would you try to talk to her about her drinking or leave it?

Re: Should I report this?

  • I would talk to her...

    If it's true what she says that her and her DH are taking turns getting wasted and there is always a sober parent available I'm not sure that there's anything illegal about that even though it's obviously totally messed up.

    Of course, people with addictions are often good at lying and justifying their behavior. So...

    I would trust your instincts on this one. If you feel like their kids are at risk (from neglect, being in the car with a drunk parent behind the wheel, etc.) that's worthy of reporting.
    Elkanah Brave, born 02/06/2012 7:26am
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  • Who would you report it to? CPS? Her husband was home and her children were in his care- so I don't think they would do much- since it is not illegal to be drunk in your own home with your sober husband caring for your children.  While her description of being passed out with vomit all over her is not good- it is still not a danger to her children while her sober husband is caring for her children.  It is concerning for her health- and if you want to address it to her one on one then yes tell her you are concerned for her and her health.

  • Yeah, I don't think you're really going to get anywhere with CPS, like AG said, her husband was supervising the kids. What happens next all depends on how much you want to invest yourself in the situation. You could either do nothing, and probably phase out of being friends naturally or say something to her and risk cutting ties immediately.

    I feel that if she shared that story with you, she probably knows that she has an issue and it might've been a cry for help? Her husband is really the one who should spearhead any sort of intervention, if I were her I would wonder if he cared about me at all. (because he isn't addressing the issue)


  • Okay this is one of my hills to die on. I get so fed up with the whole report it culture in the bump. Reporting something is for abuse not sucky parenting. Social workers and the system are so overloaded to begin with the last thing they need is bogus crap like this. It hurts other kids who are really being abused when the resources in the system are misused on crap like this.

    Thank you! This bugs the shit out of me. Being a terrible parent isn't illegal. Being an alcoholic isn't illegal either. Abuse and neglect are something else all together.
    Elkanah Brave, born 02/06/2012 7:26am
    Andrewsgal[Deleted User]
  • You won't get anywhere with CPS but maybe you can reach out to someone who can do something. Maybe if you voiced your concerns to her mother, it would make her mother feel better about bringing it up... you know, make her feel like she's justified for being worried since others are, too.

    Or maybe it just sounds worse than it is and her mother can tell her she needs to be more mindful of what she's putting on FB because people are getting the wrong impression.
    image
  • She sounds like a shitty mom and an alcoholic...as long as her husband was there, I don't see what there is to report and who are you reporting it to? Are you planning on telling on her to her mommy? Sounds like her mom might be one of her problems.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers 
    There is another kid, she's 10... 
  • NandaB said:
    OK, so the fact that she was not caring for the children makes me personally feel better about that part, but passed out in the closet covered in your own vomit is really, really bad. Like, to me that is a sign of a concerning issue of abuse, especially since she shared it freely as a funny story. definitely make me wonder what shes not telling you, ya know?


    I wouldn't report it now knowing the dad was home but I seriously could not be friends with someone like that and there's no way I'd keep my mouth shut or laugh it off if she says anything like that again.

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  • That's a shitty situation. I'm sorry.

    I know everyone keeps saying the dad was there- no worries. But what happens when he isn't there?

    Perhaps keep and eye out and let her know this kind of behavior is very unbecoming.
  • No please don't waste the systems time. Her husband was supervising the kids. What would you report it for anyway? The system is already way over loaded.
    Oh sorry I worded it wrong. I wouldn't call cps,the kids are cared for. They also have a live in nanny and a part time babysitter too. No, more of should I say anything to her? At this point I am not invested in the friendship really and that makes me feel guilty. We were very close a few years back. Her husband and her do take turns partying like college kids even though they are in their 30s lol! I guess my main question is am I a bad person if I don't say, hey I am worried about you? What's going on? If I ask that the friendship is over and we will see them socially and through our husbands both being in the same research facility, so university functions etc. that will make it akward. So I guess I am thinking the easy thing is to let it go and keep the distance but maintain what we have?
    notkateanymore
  • I am hoping I can avoid being a chicken and say next time, hey are you okay? You seem to be mentioning drinking a lot?
  • Her facebook status is usually about drinking. We do talk on the phone and email, but yeah maybe 3 to 4 times a year we actually get together. What worries me is that she mentions drinking 3 bottles of wine at a time, she has mentioned getting kicked out of casinos in Vegas, she has mentioned blacking out. Not typical almost 40 behaviour. I mean, I drink, I get tipsy when out with friends or my husband. The blacking out she has mentioned more than a few times. She was also picked up by a cop on Fremont street in Vegas, she passed out on the street.
  • I am pretty sure she isn't alone with the kids and drinking. I believe she is a functioning alcoholic who is holding it together for now.
  • I can drink a couple of bottle of wine easy. Or at least I could before I was pregnant. I agree with Amy on this one.
    Mom to Emma 9/4/06 and Jackson 11/24/08 M/C Dec 11 and M/C twins feb 2012. BFP Thanksgiving! EDD Aug 4, 2013 M/C at 5 weeks.
  • Yeah, I was raised by two functioning alcoholics but I was always properly cared for as a child. I would agree that she obviously needs help but it's not necessarily cps worthy.
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  • Yes I would never think of calling cps. The nanny is with the kids when her DH isn't. I guess the truth is she is fun to be with when we are around each other, her DH works indirectly with mine so we see them at functions. But when she talks about this stuff should I laugh with her like I did. When I said in my previous post I laughed with her, people said I should do more. I guess I can change the topic? I almost wonder if she is going through a midlife crisis?
  • amy052006 said:
    auroraloo said:
    Amy, I surprised that cynical you has a hard time believing this is true, or that she'd be alone with the kids. This happens all the time.
    Well, I generally think The Bump has a stick up its ass about this stuff.

    IDK -- in my experience alcoholics don't broadcast this shit.  So I tend to think it's more about judging a mom who has a social life some Bumpies don't think is mom martyr enough.  I could be wrong, but the truth is even if she is out drinking a few nights a week, her kids aren't being neglected or abused.
    But the question is not of her kids being neglected. I like to drink and go out, trust me I am no mommy martyr. But when she mentions being found that way, I believe it. She says she told him she had the flu. So if you had an a friend whom you used to be closer to, but still see and speak to every week, if they mentioned blacking out, what do you say? Do you laugh with them or do you change the topic or do you say wtf or do you ask gently what's up?
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