Feeling unattached? Normal? — The Bump
Pregnant after IF

Feeling unattached? Normal?

I'm only 5 weeks, but I'm finding that my feelings of excitement have been replaced with a very distant and unattached feeling to this pregnancy. Is this normal? I feel horrible because I should be so happy, but I'm terrified of losing this pregnancy. I had a loss at 8w3d a few years ago and maybe that has to do with why I'm so distant.

Have any of you gone through this? How long did it last? Is it even normal? Be honest. If I just need to suck it up, I'll try!

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 ttc #2 since 2004 Me (35): Stage 3 Endo, DH (34): High DNA Frag

IVF/ICSI #2: April 2014: BFP!!!!!!

ET of 2 great quality embryos. + BFP on 9dp5dt. Beta #1 (10dp5dt): 257, Beta #2 (14dp5dt): 1561,

Beta #3 (21dp5d5): 8,172. Wow. It seems this is actually working. Shocked beyond belief.

1st u/s @6w5d: Baby A hb 124, Baby B hb 127 (Both measuring perfectly!)

Lost baby A. Praying that baby B stays healthy. Baby B hb 175 at 11 weeks

It's a GIRL!!!

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Re: Feeling unattached? Normal?

  • I think many women who have gone through IVF have those same feelings. We are terrified of it being "taken away".

    For me, it became even more "real" this week when I felt the baby looked more like a baby in the U/S picture.
    ===siggy warning====
    Me: 40, DH: 42
    Diagnosis: PCOS
    TTC: May 2013
    TX: IUI #1 with Follistim. Canceled due to too many follicles (10 + that were large); BENCHED
    IVF #1 March 6. 14 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized. 
    March 11, 4 eggs transferred.
    March 21 BFP  :) Beta #1 457, Beta #2 1350, Beta #3 9619. 
    Due Date November 27, 2014
    TEAM BLUE

  • I'm 21w5d and I'm still feeling detached and nervous still. Everything has been fine so far, but it still doesn't quite seem real yet. I'm thinking that once I focus on registering for stuff and we get some actual baby furniture in the nursery and I start wearing maternity clothes all the time it'll seem real.  I thought that telling the people at work would make it seem real, but I told them this week and everyone was happy and we talked babies for about a half hour...then everyone just went back to work like normal. So, it didn't quite make it seem as real as I thought it would.
    Me:41  DH: 46 high count but poor motility & morphology
    TTC on and off since 2005

    July 2012: Infertility tests started at OB/Gyn, HSG and HSN all clear
    Sept 2012: IUI #1 w/Clomid - BFN
    Oct 2012: IUI #2 w/Clomid - cancelled due to cyst
    Nov 2012: IUI #3 w/Clomid - BFN
    Break to move and find new PCP, OB/Gyn & RE
    Sept 2013: first appt with RE
    Nov / Dec 2013: IVF #1 with ICSI split
      Dec 6: Retrieval, 4 retrieved, 2 mature, 1 fertilized
      Dec 11: Transferred 1 (Day 5)
      Dec 30:  HCG Beta, 4980. BFP!
     1 little bean!
    EDD: August 28 30 2014
    LO Arrived! August 31 2014

    All Welcome!

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  • I'm so glad you asked this @ beachy6

    I too have been feeling very detached. It sucks because it is supposed to be a happy time. Big hugs lady you aren't alone!
    Me: 38
    DX:  Adenomyosis, Compounded MTHFR, PAI-1 4G variant

    DH: 34
    MFI due to Testicular Cancer

    Married March 2012 <3
    IVF w/ICSI #1
    10 little polar bears
    FET #1 with 2 polar bears ~Nov 6, 2013 BFN :(
    FET # 2 with 2 more polar bears ~March 19, 2014 BFP!!!
    Beta 1= 276
    Beta 2= 662
    4/19/14 ~ baby A became an angel
    5/02/14 ~ baby B became an angel
    5/3/14 ~ D&C
    FET #3 with 1 male polar bear ~October 3, 2014
    October 13, 2014 ~ BFN
    Fur Children:  Memphis 3y, Dutch 3y, Marcel 2y, Meadow 1y



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  • 100% normal! For us infertiles I think a lot of it has to do with us waiting, hoping, and dreaming of the day we'd be PG so it's all built up in our minds and then when there isn't a continual excitement we feel let down. Honestly, for me it took till (19/20 weeks) I was faced with the possibility of losing them or something being wrong with my girl to feel attached to them. Then when I started feeling movement it helped even more. (Didn't feel movement till 21 weeks.) I think part of me was trying to stay detached just in case something did happen, in hopes that I wouldn't be as devastated. One thing I had a really hard time with was how excited everyone else was and yet I didn't feel the same way. It made me feel guilty. There's no way to know when you'll feel better. It could be when you pass that loss milestone, when you feel movement or it could be when you give birth. Whenever it happens is ok! :)

    ***signature & ticker warning***


    Me: 30 ~ Stage IV Endo ~ AMH .38 ~ AFC 8
    AMH .97 as of 4/2012! ~ AMH 1.63 as of 4/2013!?!
    Him: 29 ~ perfect swimmers

    Laparotomy w/partial oophorectomy 8/2009 to remove cysts/endo.
    Stopped BCP 4/2010.
    Multiple clomid rounds from 11/2010 to 6/2011. ~ All BFN
    IUI w/clomid 7/2011. IUI w/clomid & injectables 11/2011 & 1/2012. ~ All BFN
    IVF:EPP 5/2012 ~ (4R, 3M, 2F w/ICSI). Both embryos txfrd. ~ BFN
    BCP to manage endo from 10/2012 to 12/2012.
    FET w/donor embryos #1: 10/2013 Cancelled
    FET w/donor embryos #1.2: 11/2013 ~ ET of 2 beautiful blasts on 11/27.
    Beta 1: 503(12dp5dt) Beta 2: 1035(14dpt) Beta 3: 3001(16dpt) Beta 4: 8503(19dpt)
    Twins with an EDD of 8/15/14! Team Purple
    G&B born 6/30/14 at 33w3d via emergency c/s.

    If you're wondering about my avatar...it's a fried pickle chip shaped like a fetus!

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    twistsandturnsto2healz413
  • I had it with my DD and with this pregnancy. Something will make it feel real for you and everything will click. Even if it's when the baby is born you are still not alone.
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  • Ditto what DP said. Totally normal. Even now at 33 weeks I catch myself talking about when baby gets here and it sounds SO foreign to me, like it's still not really going to happen. Give yourself some time to let it sink in and don't sweat it if it takes a while for it to feel real.
    Me: 37, DH: 35 :: TCC since 2/11 SA: Perfect! CD3  HSG = Blocked Right Tube
    April- Femara 2.5mg + Trigger + IUI = BFN   May- Femara 5mg = CX - No Response on Left = BFN
    June- Femara 7.5mg + Trigger + IUI = BFN  August- Lap & Hysteroscopy = Blocked & Partially Blocked Tubes
    September- Femara 5mg = CX - No Response on Left = BFN  October- 100mg Clomid + Trigger + TI = BFN
    IVF # 1: Stims 11/30 ER 12/12/12! (10R, 10M, 8F, 2T, 6 F) :: Beta #1- 176  c/p @ 4w4d
    FET #1 February 26th :: Lost 4 to Thaw, Transferred 2 = BFFN
    IVF # 2 Stims 5/10 ER 5/21 (15R, 13M, 13F, 2T, 7F- 6d3 & 1d5) :: Beta # 1- 15 c/p @ 4w
    FET #2 Cancelled, Right Tube Developed a Hydro  8/28 Hydro & Scar Tissue Removed  Cleared for FET
    FET #2.2 Scheduled for September 20th
    2 Thawed, 2 Transferred! Beta #1- 96, Beta #2 906! :: EDD June 10th
    2015- 2 failed FET. We are done
    SURPRISE! BFP 8/8/16   EDD 4/1/17

     
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  • I'm so glad I'm not alone. I just went from so excited to terrified in less than a week. Then, of course, my IF brain kicks in and is telling me that if I'm not happy/appreciative/whatever, then something will go wrong. IF still sucks the fun out of everything.

    Thank you all so much for making me feel more "normal"! And, at least if it stays around longer than I think it should, I know that's normal, too. You're all so wonderful!!

    BabyFruit Ticker

     ttc #2 since 2004 Me (35): Stage 3 Endo, DH (34): High DNA Frag

    IVF/ICSI #2: April 2014: BFP!!!!!!

    ET of 2 great quality embryos. + BFP on 9dp5dt. Beta #1 (10dp5dt): 257, Beta #2 (14dp5dt): 1561,

    Beta #3 (21dp5d5): 8,172. Wow. It seems this is actually working. Shocked beyond belief.

    1st u/s @6w5d: Baby A hb 124, Baby B hb 127 (Both measuring perfectly!)

    Lost baby A. Praying that baby B stays healthy. Baby B hb 175 at 11 weeks

    It's a GIRL!!!

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  • I agree I feel detached.  Everyone is like did you cry when you heard the heartbeat.  I was like no.  Its still too soon.  I don't know that it will ever not be too soon though.  I feel like I keep saying that every hurdle we conquer.  I hope it will get better by week 12.  Know you are NOT alone.

    TTC 2007
    Me-OK DH- MFI
    2010 IUI 1-3 Femara + Ovidrill BFN
    Change DR 5/12 IUI 4-5 Natural Cycle BFN
    5/13 DH diagnosed with b1/b3 microdeletion of Y chromosome
    IVF #1 July  Started Lupron 7/5 AF 7/14
    ER 8/1 7R 5M 3F W/ICSI ET 8/6 Moved to 8/7 due to no blast 
    Transferred our UNO embryo Beta #1 27 Beta #2 33 Beta #3 29 CP :(
    IVF #2 Started Lupron 2/14 
    Protocol 10U Lupron, 150 Bravelle, 150 Menopur, HGH for 4 days, Dexamethesone, 
    Supplements 6000mg CoQ10, 100mg DHEA, Vitamin D, Folic Acid, 
    ER 3/12 8R 4 able to be injected 2f with ICSI ET 3/15 2 "perfect" textbook Embryos
    2 crinone, estrace, dexamethesone, doxycycline
    BETA #1 3/26 201  BETA #2 3/28 524  BETA #3 4/5 9,876  Ultrasound April 7 Showed TWINs
    April 18 ultrasound Baby A HB 147   Baby B HB 146  Both measuring 7w1d
    WE ARE TEAM BLUE X2!
    Jonathan Daniel received his angel wings July 23, 2014 :( born 9/20/14
    Jackson Thomas was born October 31, 2014 @ 35w 5d
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  • It's probably your body's defense mechanism. You're not alone. I'm in my first pregnancy, and I still don't feel like it's real..I find myself saying "if all goes well, then XXXX" or thinking it all the time. I agree that once you see the ultrasound/hear a heartbeat, and later feel movement it will all start to feel miraculous! 
                                         - ticker/siggy warning -

                                     ivf #1 (MFI): 18 retrieved, 16 fertilized 
         bfp: 8dp3dt, beta #1 10dp3dt: 103, beta #2 14dp3dt 637, EDD: 12.06.14! 
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  • I'm right there with you. I look at the pictures from our ultrasounds and talk about these "babies" like they are something happening to someone else. I don't feel like they're real. I talked to someone else whose twins are almost here and she said it started to get real when she felt them moving. I'm hoping that happens for me! 

    N14 Nov. Siggy: CELEBRATION!
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    TTC since 2011
    Aug. - Sept. 2013 - dIUIs = BFNs
    January 2014 - IVF = 3 freezer babies
    March 2014 - FET of AA and AB blast = BFP! Twins! 
    Nov. 7, 2014 - Wilhelmina "Willa" Suzanne (4lb 14oz) and Ari Jose (6lb 4oz) were born via CS
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  • It's definitely normal -- it has to be. This sounds bad, I'm sure, but I really didn't feel an attachment until my 30 week ultrasound when we saw baby's face in 4D. It became more realistic. Up until that point, I didn't believe that there was really a baby in there, even with kicking. I'm days away from delivery and I'm more apprehensive than ever. It wasn't like this the first time so I'm certain infertility has everything to do with it. I was/am just too afraid to let myself be happy.
    DH & I: 29
    TTC #1 4/2009 -  DD 2/5/10
    TTC #2 since October 2011
    2IF issues
    7/2013 - IUI #1: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFN
    8/2013 - IUI #2: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFP! Beta #1 (12 dpiui) 8/21: 45  Beta #2 (16 dpiui) 8/26: 301 Beta #3 (21 dpiui) 8/30: 1,929. 1st Ultrasound 9/4 - One perfect sac. 2nd Ultrasound 9/13 - Heartbeat at 124 bpm! Anniversary  

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  • I'm a little over 20 weeks and still detached. My family gets upset with me because I say things like, "if we have a baby next year ..." but I can't bring myself to say WHEN the baby comes. DH and I have a name picked out but I'm not comfortable using it, so we've just started referring to him as Cletus (the fetus). 
    I will say that I am beginning to feel movement, am definitely showing, and just had a good anatomy scan, so I am beginning to get a little more excited. It's just scary because we've all had the rug pulled out from under us at some point during this journey (or multiple times during this journey) and I think it's just a defense mechanism to put up a wall and get prepared for the rug to be pulled out again. 
    However, at the end of the day, we all have to trust in our doctors and in our bodies and hope/pray that things will continue to work out as we hope.
    Me (31) - PCOS with insulin resistance

    4 rounds of Clomid = no response
    IVF # 1 - ET (1 3AA, 4 frosties): 12/22 = BFP
    EDD: 9/9/2014

  • it's totally normal especially it being so early. for me, being unattached was more of a defense mechanism because i still couldn't believe it was true. the more i believed in it the more disappointed i would feel if it didn't work out.  

    the feelings do eventually go away and i did let myself get happy/excited.  it felt "real" to me when i started feeling movement and by that time it was 2nd tri so it was easier to let myself be happy. i still wasn't going crazy over anything baby though until 3rd tri when i finally let myself buy stuff for her (nursery furniture, an outfit here or there)

    now that i'm 38 weeks it's really sinking in and i get so happy when i feel her stretching/poking her feet into my sides.

    don't be so hard on yourself, IF stinks and everyone handles the emotions differently. 

    good luck and fx for a h&h pregnancy





    TTC#2
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  • I'm a few days ahead of you, but I'm struggling with the same thing. If I believe we might actually have a baby come December, I'll be that much more devastated if we don't. I've been trying to combat these feelings by starting a little blog and writing to what was the embies, and what we now know to be one growing little bean. It's helping me feel a little more engaged, even though I'm scared of it. Also, my morning sickness is helping me feel engaged, gross as it is!
    Trying to grow our family with both fertility treatments and adoption since March 2009 
    IUIs#1-4 = BFN, IVF#1 = c/p, IVF#2 = OHSS, FET#1=BFP
    BabyFruit Ticker
    image
  • I'm right there with you.  It sucks that we can't just be happy and excited.  I really wish I was still blissfully ignorant.  One thing that we have decided is that we plan to find out the sex of the baby.  I always wanted to be team green, but after my last loss that changed.  A friend of mine that is now pregnant after IVF said once she was able to refer to her baby as a "he" she felt like she started connecting more.
    SIGGY WARINING

    Me: 32 | He: 35
    TTC since Sept 2011
    DX: Unexplained
    1st round of clomid: Jan 2013 BFP - M/C 8 weeks
    surprise BFP Apr 2013 - M/C 9 weeks
    IUI #1 clomid Jul 2013 = BFN
    IUI #2 clomid Aug 2013 = BFN
    IUI #3 injects Oct 2013 = BFN
    IUI #4 injects Dec 2013 = BFN
    IVF #1 March 2014 - 12R/12F, one perfect day 5 blast transferred
    BFP!! Beta#1 = 431 Beta#2 = 914 Beta#3 = 2207


    PAIF/SAIF Welcome!


  • I can honestly say that I never felt this way, I always felt attached to baby and even started reading books to my belly the day of my FET.  That said, I see posts like this on this PAIF ALL.THE.TIME. so you are certainly not alone!  I think it's hard, especially if you don't have many symptom and don't really feel much different than normal in the early days.  Once you start to get a belly and then feel baby move around in there for the first time, I'm sure you'll feel totally different!  Seeing ultrasounds also helps a lot!  Though I never felt disconnected, the ultrasounds and hearing baby's heartbeat made me feel that much more connected more and more every single time and still does.  I actually still get teary at my checkups when they do the doppler.
    Me 31 ~ DH 30
    IVF/FET #1 - BFP!!
    <3 CJW 6/15/2014 <3
    DX - PCOS 2004
    FET #2 - scheduled for 11/24/15
    BankerBSN
  • Thank you ladies for all of the replies. For me, my past loss is kicking my butt. Once you have a loss, you know how quickly things can be taken from you. The horror of miscarriage can never be erased from your memory. I pray that after our loss date passes and I see that things are okay, I'll feel more attached. Or, maybe I won't. And either is okay. Thank you all! Again, you're wonderful!

    BabyFruit Ticker

     ttc #2 since 2004 Me (35): Stage 3 Endo, DH (34): High DNA Frag

    IVF/ICSI #2: April 2014: BFP!!!!!!

    ET of 2 great quality embryos. + BFP on 9dp5dt. Beta #1 (10dp5dt): 257, Beta #2 (14dp5dt): 1561,

    Beta #3 (21dp5d5): 8,172. Wow. It seems this is actually working. Shocked beyond belief.

    1st u/s @6w5d: Baby A hb 124, Baby B hb 127 (Both measuring perfectly!)

    Lost baby A. Praying that baby B stays healthy. Baby B hb 175 at 11 weeks

    It's a GIRL!!!

    imageimageimage

     

     

    My Blog

  • It's totally normal!  I was terrified the entire first trimester, then was mildly scared until our 20 week scan, and started feeling like a normal only slightly neurotic pregnant lady around v-day. 

    Now at almost 34 weeks I still feel detached.  I don't think I have ever said anything directly to the baby.  It just feels really surreal.  Like I have a hard time believing there is a tiny human with its own personality hanging out in my stomach.  I'm not worried about it though. I've heard plenty of people say that the attachment/bonding/love thing took time to develop and grow after baby was born.

     

    IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.
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