Vent--Am I being too sensitive? Dealing with insensitive people

sfazar

Hi girls,

In the past 12 hours, I have gotten emails out-of-the-blue from two old friends (both who know about my MC in January). They live across the country so we rarely see each other and only write a few times a year. The first one says she was thinking about me and then spends 2 paragraphs telling me how wonderful her 1-year-old child is. The second one wishes me a belated happy birthday (actually my birthday is in a few days) and says she's sorry that she forgot but she was busy with her 2-year-old's tantrums and trying to buy a house before her new baby arrives in August. Life is so hard for her!

My response was: DELETE.  And I have no regrets. Even when I have moved farther along in my grieving, I don't think I will want these people as my friends who could have been so insensitive right now.  I just feel angry that they wrote and stirred up these emotions that I've been trying hard to quiet. 

 

sfazar

I am so sorry for your losses. And for your friend's @jcar2--how terrible. Thank you for letting me share this moment. I really just got bombarded in the last 24 hours.

      I know that everyone is different and no one understands unless she has been through what we have. Still I think it's reasonable to expect people to be especially gentle around me in their first correspondences with me after my loss. Even if I hadn't experienced this, if roles were reversed, I would definitely not go on and on about my own childr (if I were fortunate enough to have one). It would be like talking about your great weekend with your grandfather to someone who just lost hers.  Or worse--complaining about the grandfather you are lucky enough to have. That would be a pretty rotten thing to do! 

        Why are we different? Why are we supposed to suck it up? A part of me wants to say something, but I think you are right, @KSKim--just ignoring is better. 

Laurenheat5

I think people who haven't experienced really just have no idea. They aren't conscious about it like we are. I am accutely aware every day, every time I see a kid or pregnant lady. My husband doesn't understand why I'm still upset after almost two months. I think you can give yourself some distance from them now but don't write off completely

LisaG09

Yeah, I think most people just don't understand. I have a friend that has a three year old and I only talk to her every once in awhile. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about my loss. We talked about it for a minute but then spent about forty minutes discussing how wonderful her daughter is and how they are about to start trying for another. I was mad but I let it go. I know she doesn't understand but I'm just not going to talk to her for a little while. It is hard to be mad at friend's for discussing how happy they are but I think it's natural.

longcat07

(((hugs))) i'm sure they weren't trying to upset you, they just don't get it.  it sounds to me like they were just talking about their everyday lives and didn't even think twice that it might upset you, probably because it's been a few months so they might think you've had plenty of time to "get over it" or whatever people think we should do about this.  completely understandable why that might hurt to you.

sfazar

Thank you girls. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me. I feel less upset after the weekend--best thing ever was that while my husband made the coffee on Saturday morning (a rare treat!) my sweet little dog crawled into bed and fell asleep with her head on my chest. I felt so important and loved!

         I am still pretty irritated since the one girl complaining about her child has suffered from infertility and is a psychologist specializing in post-partum depression. Maybe my heart will soften eventually, but I am just going to allow myself to be silent and not respond until I am ready if at all. It's a lot more pleasant to surround myself with a world of cheerful creatures--2- and 4-legged!

You all are the best!

Eveiii

People in general just suck