My story (long kinda vent)

Aturl

My H as many of you may know now had an affair resulting in a possible child besides our own 3.
When H and I met I was 17 and pregnant. I had no intentions of dating as I had just ended my relationship with my bf who had cheated and gotten involved in drugs. H was 19 at the time and a tall glass of handsome. The moment I saw him I made a joke that "I was gonna marry that boy some day." Never thought it would actually happen. Well anyways we weren't very serious until I had my son in Oct of 2008. At that point I fell in love with H. He became my safe haven from an emotionally abusive mother and he loved my son as his own. We never looked back from there. We always had told each other that cheating would not be tolerated and that we would simply end things before that would even become an issue.
Fast forward to 2010 when I married my best friend and man of my dreams. Everyone around is just knew we were meant to be. The way he took on being a daddy when he didn't have to and the way he cared for me above all else. All of our friends wanted the kind of love we shared for each other.
We lived this way until Jan 2012 I was pregnant with dd who was planned and we had just bought our first home. At that time I lost my job as I had continued unexplainable bleeding. I was scared to death for the safety of my daughter as well as how we would now make ends meet without my income and insurance. H stepped up and took on a lot more hours at the restaurant he worked at and in turn became a manager. He enjoyed the promotion, but it came with a whole new set of responsibilities. That much more pressure put on his shoulders. Luckily dd was born in April and healthy and we were so so happy! I had never been more in love with him and he had never been more in love with me! It was a whole new feeling to have created a beautiful life with someone you love.
In august of 2012 H started coming home later and being drunk and started smoking. The restaurant he worked at was family owned and a lot of the employees would stay late and drink after hours. I was concerned, but still full heartedly trusted him. Well in Oct 2012 H started becoming super sick. No eating, no sleeping, and being sick to his stomach pretty much everyday. At this time he started becoming very distant as well. He shut me out totally and I thought either he was unhappy with me or that he had been unfaithful. It turns out he had in fact cheated. Something in my gut told me he had, but when confronted he told me to my face no he hadn't. Things were a little better coming to the new year even though he was still drinking and still somewhat distant.
May of 2013 he had a super late night "at work" and I just knew something was wrong. I confronted him multiple times through out he summer about being unfaithful and he continued to deny it.
In Aug I hadn't been feeling well and even though I was on birth control I decided to take a pregnancy test. Aug 5th I found out we were going to be adding our third child to our family. LO was completely unexpected and unplanned. H continued to be distant and alcohol became an everyday thing for him. We had our first ultrasound Sept 16 and I was so torn for the first time seeing this little baby (I now have extreme guilt for not loving him immediately). Sept 17 we went to the fair as a family and it ended in a fight as usual. Once we were home and babies were in bed I asked once again what was wrong and finally he broke down in tears. He had cheated twice with a coworker in Oct 2012 and 4 times with a coworker's sister starting in May 2013-July 2013. (He explained that the reason it happens more than once was because he knew after the first I would leave and our marriage was over). He then informed me that the second girl was pregnant! Cue end of world freak out from me.
I left I drove to our favorite bar and sat and smoked cigarettes and drank Shirley temples. (I know that LO probably saved my life on that night) if I hadn't been pregnant I would have drank myself black out drunk and ended up in a ditch.
Once I had decided I was going try to stay H did everything possible to try and make things better and things were finally looking to get better when on Dec 4 my fil died. He was brutally murdered and my H was the closest to him. This even changed my H. Something snapped and he no longer felt anything. He was numb and angry and there was nothing anyone could do.
Since then things have been so tense. I need him to step up and work on our issues and he needs to be able to grieve the death of his father. We are both torn in so many ways. I want to be able to trust him again, but it is so difficult when he is so shut off.
On March 10th the other woman have birth to a baby girl. (I know I shouldn't hate an innocent baby, but it is so hard to think of her as anything more than a mistake). On March 15th my baby boy was born and for the first time in many months I saw pure life and love again. He is so amazingly beautiful!! H has not been the amazing father he was for our other two to our newborn baby. I don't know if it is guilt or what but I resent him for it.
Recently I have gone back and forth about leaving because I want him to get a paternity test done and he drags his feet about it. He also has said I should have no say so in what happens between him and that child and that woman. I completely don't agree with this and he thinks he should be able to do visitations with her without me being present. "I'm sorry but you cheated on me with her! He'll no are you going to be spending time alone together!!"
Through everything we've been through it is hard to just let go and leave. I have left with the kids for a few nights recently, but I come back because I believe whole heartedly in giving my absolute everything before calling it quits on a marriage. I still feel he is my one true love. I know it's cheesy, but I believe it. I know the man he can be even though for the past year and a half he has fallen off track.
Well this is entirely too long, but I just thought I would get my story out there so y'all might understand a little more where I come from and also why I am quiet most of the time. I'm kinda depressing and fighting battles over here besides just getting sleep and the joys/woes of breast feeding. Anyone who read this thanks and sorry I did this mobile so typing is terrible.

VanessaBee

I am so so sorry you're going through all of this. I don't even think I have any words of wisdom or advice, just a creepy internet hug and a hope that even just talking about it here will help.

AshleyO925

I am so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been through anything similar except to say that when I lost my father it definitely took a toll on all of my relationships during the grieving process.

*hugs* You are so brave to share your story and just know we are here to listen when you need it!

Pinecone21

Thank you for sharing your story. When I taught middle school, one year I had two half-siblings who were in the same grade. They got along well, and their dad drove both of them to school every morning. He spent part of the week with each of his families. It was an unconventional situation, but it seemed to work for the kids and their moms. It sounds like you aren't open to something like that, and I don't know how these kids' moms felt about it at the beginning, but I just wanted to say that these situations don't always have to end badly. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you and your husband.

SomersIsles

HUGS

KariB509

You've got a lot on your plate. I can only imagine. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I really hope things get better for you. You're a strong woman! Hugs.

mrsdahamm

Thank you for sharing. You're such a strong mama. I'll be praying for you and your babies and for things to turn out as good as possible. *hugs*

theluckiest9

Hugs to you!

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Momackf

I am very sorry that you are going through this. I have been where you are at and I know how incredibly hard it is. Mine happened about 7 years ago with our first child, she chose not to have her child, but they continued to have an affair behind my back for almost a year after. I was a complete wreck during that time and for awhile after. I had asked him if he had feelings for her, he said he loved me, but he cared for her. I left and told him when he figured out what he wanted, to give me a call. It was the hardest thing I ever did but also made him make a decision. I never thought I could go back to somebody cheated on me. But we have gone through counseling and made it work. I've told you my story so that you know that you're not alone. I would sit down and talk to him if I were you and find out if he has feelings towards her, that may or may not be your dealbreaker. At least then you know what you're dealing with. I sincerely hope everything works out for you. If you ever need someone to talk to,I'm here.

jessher

I am so sorry you are going through this. Here is what I see, FWIW- you are having to push this whole process forward because he is a broken man right now. To be the strong one now, when you just had a baby, must be so incredibly hard. I can't even imagine. But you are doing it because you have no choice. He has lost his father is a horrible way. He has inner demons that have led him down a path of self destruction for a few years. Somehow this man has got to see a reason to gather himself up and become himself again. 

The frustrating this about broken people is that you can't do anything to get them back on their feet. He has to catch that spark and their is no telling when/if that will happen. It's a complete mystery how addicted and/or broken people have that "aha" moment and begin moving toward healing for themselves. All you can do is tell him that you believe in him, that you love him, that you KNOW he is a good man who did bad things but that doesn't change the fact that to YOU he is a good man and a man you love, respect, and need in your life. That you believe he can again be the rock for you that he used to be, the father he used to be, the man he used to be. But that it's up to him to work his way back to a healthy relationship with himself. And then...do what you need to do for you and your children and remove yourself from the role of the fixer. let him fix himself while you focus on yourself and your children. 

Again, I cannot imagine what it must be like to be mothering a newborn baby and two other children while your heart is so heavy with these issues. You are obviously an incredibly strong woman and I know you will get through this. My heart goes out to you. 

LittlePigeon

I can't imagine all the emotions you have been going through for the past months, but it speaks to your strength that even with all that is going on you have kept that little one safe both on te outside and inside. Sending you strength!

vacsx2

More creepy internet hugs!

nlane0723

My heart aches for you. I admire your attempts to save your marriage, I don't think I would have the strength if I was in your situation. (Hugs)

Aturl

Thanks everyone. It has been a long and difficult year and a half. I always said I would be done and gone if it came to this, but my marriage and the vows I took mean so much to me. I have not opened up to my family about our problems other than one brother because it will cause all sorts of resentments that if I want to continue to work things out would ruin any chances with my family. I have found through out this situation that I have some of the most amazing friends who will be there for my kids and myself day or night. My mother in law has actually become someone I rely on for advice and for a hug. As crazy as it sounds she is now one of my bestfriends.
There are aupposedly no feelings towards this other person he said he has wanted to be with me all along and had just figured he had screwed us up to the point he couldn't fix things after his first slip up. It's no excuse and it kills me, but there are days I get glimpses of the man I married and not the man he became.

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CruiseGirl28

I'm so sorry you're going through this. That is all a lot to deal with. It sounds like you're very strong

ladyglittersparkles

i'm so sorry you are going through this! You are a very strong woman! Keep your head up and focus on your kids. Your relationship may never be the same but if you want it fight for it. At the end of the day what really matters is that you and your babies are happy and healthy

hugs

nblondheim

I'm sorry you're going through all of this!! *hugs*

jazzyexpo

I'm so sorry and have no advice, but wanted to send you hugs!