Gentle/Respectful way to suggest eval?

Krilolo

Hello. I am here from D13 but I'm hoping that someone might be able to help me here regarding my 3yo nephew. He has many signs that point toward him having ASD, minimal eye contact, doesn't respond to his name, says only a few words. At his bday party he had no interest in opening his presents and didn't seem to understand that it was for him. How can I respectfully suggest that they get an evaluation? I would think their pedi would've considered this but they have done nothing in regards to these signs. They had tubes, tonsils and adenoids removed and think his speech is delayed because he couldn't hear. Is it possible that is the case here? 3 years old seems like an age where there should be more development in his ability to talk and interact. Thank you in advance for your input.

lvisser

Yeesh.... Yeah no... Unless you are super close to your sibling, I'd probably stay out of it... I'm sure they have an idea that something it up... I knew that E had issues very early on...

august06mom

If they've gone to all those doctor appointments with tubes, adenoids and tonsils, I'm sure they are aware of the possibility. They're probably just not discussing it.

lvisser

august06mom said:

If they've gone to all those doctor appointments with tubes, adenoids and tonsils, I'm sure they are aware of the possibility. They're probably just not discussing it.

We didn't discuss anything with family until e got his dx...

CCinLove

To answer your question, yes, tubes, adenoids, and tonsils can have an effect on language.  My son made very little progress in speech therapy until after he'd had tubes placed and his adenoids removed.  He had conductive hearing loss, and just was not able to hear or make many sounds until the hearing issue was cleared up.  To this day I suspect that his language issues are not related to his ASD diagnosis.  

Regarding the rest of your post, as someone who has been there, I suggest that you tread carefully unless you have reason to believe that your nephew's parents are either negligent or idiots.  They may very well be on top of the concerns, but limiting what they share.  I would have been pissed if someone that knew my child less well than I did and was not a trained professional told me they thought my kid had ASD and should be evaluated.  We had concerns and were working with the appropriate professionals to address them, but did not share details until we had a diagnosis.  If there are concerns, they are likely to be brought up by his doctors or teachers, so his parents should not be unaware.  If they have had the issues brought up and are choosing to be in denial, you saying something won't change much.

IMO, it is fine to ask questions about his progress, but not okay to tell them your suspicions or what you think they should do. I'd ask something like "Nephew doesn't make great eye contact with me.  Have you noticed that with other people as well?" and see if they are open to discussing your concerns.

Krilolo

Thank you everyone. I can see how that may not go over well if I or another family member suggested it outright. I suppose they may be waiting to discuss it until a possible dx but we are a very close family and often discuss our children's health situations. He is the fourth of 6 kids with 4u5 so I sometimes worry he is not getting the attention and stimulation he should. Thank you all for your suggestions. I will probably leave it be for now.

lvisser

Krilolo said:

I sometimes worry he is not getting the attention and stimulation he should. .

Yeah.  Wow.

Just no.

Princess_Lily

Krilolo said:

I will probably leave it be for now.

For now?! If you have any self respect and privacy for others, you will leave it be, period.
Frankly you sound like a nosey and critical/controlling sister. Its none of your business what is going on with their child, keep your nose on your own child.

Your worried that the boy isnt getting enough stimulation? Why dont you offer some babysitting or take him out for the day?

No, just sounds like you want to make critical suggestions on something that is none of your darn business.

Krilolo

Thank you and I'm truly sorry for the way that comment came across. I love him and his siblings so dearly. I never mean't that he is being neglected at all. I mean't that comment to be in regards to getting him in a program that may help him. Not from the family. They are just so busy with all the littles. I will leave it be for good but help them and support them as much as I can.

Krilolo

Thank you and I'm truly sorry for the way that comment came across. I love him and his siblings so dearly. I never mean't that he is being neglected at all. I mean't that comment to be in regards to getting him in a program that may help him. Not from the family. They are just so busy with all the littles. I will leave it be for good but help them and support them as much as I can.

kcisthebombdotcom

Yes, if a child has had hearing issues it will impact their social and language development and it generally takes some time to catch up. It could be that or it could be autism--unless you're a developmental pediatrician you don't really know. I agree with everything else here and just to add on if you do find out your nephew has this diagnosis it would probably be smart to keep an eye on your own children's development as it tends to run in families.

funchicken

And she has 5 other kids, right? Assuming the other kids are NT, I'm sure the parents are aware that there's something going on. I'm on team "keep quiet and be supportive." We don't tell our families about all of our appts and meetings.

lvisser

-auntie- said:

wife07mom09 said:

Say something.

In 14 years of hanging out and moderating a range of ASD-related fora, I have never, ever, even once seen those go well. 

Even when the person who made the suggestion turns out to be 100% spot on, the relationship is damaged to some degree. There's that whole "shoot the messenger" rationalization.

I can appreciate wanting answers. I pestered any professional (teacher, nurse, pedi) who dealt with DS for answers- he was nearly 7 before he was dx'd. I knew my kid was different, but I don't think I would have been receptive to one of my uber competitive know-it-all sisters-in-law pointing it out. Family harmony and all that.

Equally as hard is when family says (after a diagnosis) that "he is just fine". Ugh

hopecounts

wife07mom09 said:

I can appreciate the above I guess I just speak from my experience listed above feeling very alone and everyone telling me DS is fine.

If the messenger is shot well so be it if the child gets what he needs.

I truly can see both sides of this, I am just coloring this from my perspective.

I also don't see the need for secrecy. I mean it is what it is. her child /my child is different why not say it like it is?

My concern would be they wouldn't listen anyway and then you are out of the circle and unable to help in other ways or if/when a diagnosis comes.
The risk/benefit here isn't good enough to be worth it personally.

typeset

My MIL told me my one-month-old son's failure to make eye contact was "not normal." That went over like a shit sandwich. It was one of his earliest markers and I dismissed it because I was not in a place to hear it. 

Krilolo

I see the risks associated with bringing anything up so I've decided to err on the side of caution here. I absolutely do not want them to think I'm prying or telling them something they already know. I would not want to risk the relationship we have. I appreciate everyone's advice. If my brother or sister-in-law ask for my opinion I will offer it as respectfully as possible. Thank you again.