I am afraid to tell my mother I don't want her in the delivery room..

NewMrsMacC

... in fact, I don't want want anyone at the hospital at ALL until the baby is born, and after that I only want them there to visit for an hour or so at a time. I want my privacy, and I want it to be an intimate time between my husband and I and our new baby. 

My mother is VERY dramatic, very out spoken, and very self centered about things, she has mentioned SEVERAL times about being in the delivery room, and I know she is going to take it personally, and make a HUGE dramatic, self centered deal when she finds out how I want to give birth to my baby. She has done a lot for the baby, helped by cute clothes and other neat stuff as well (its my first baby, and her first grandchild).. and I appreciate everything she does.. but I just wish she respected me more and would try to understand that this is my baby, and that things should be the way I want/need them to be, not the way SHE thinks they should be. I know she wont understand and I'm terrified to tell her...

rainydayluck

Who cares what she thinks? Put your foot down now. Don't call her until the baby is born. Legally, she can't be in the room if you tell the nurses you don't want her there.
If you give her her way now because she's a drama queen/guilt tripper, what kind of crap is she going to pull once the baby is here?
ETA: my mom used to pull crap like that and I finally stood up to her at my wedding and things have been much better. She isn't very involved, but I like it so much better than the emotional abuse she used to put me through.

Disneygeek77

If she does throw a fit, what is the worse that will happen ?  She throws a fit.  You can ignore it if you please.  Step outside of the room, ignore phone calles, ignore texts.  If she says something in your presence, get up an leave.

Look, she behaves this way because people let her and it probably gets her what she wants.  She is no different than a toddler throwing a fit in the middle of the candy aisle.  They probably do it because it works.  If it works, they keep doing it.  Let your mom know loud and clear that her manipulations won't work on you anymore.  Ignore her, walk out of the room, or simply laugh an roll your eyes.  

The delivery room isn't a spectator sport.  If having her there will make you feel uneasy, then she shouldn't be there.  

NewMrsMacC

rainydayluck said:

Who cares what she thinks? Put your foot down now. Don't call her until the baby is born. Legally, she can't be in the room if you tell the nurses you don't want her there. If you give her her way now because she's a drama queen/guilt tripper, what kind of crap is she going to pull once the baby is here? ETA: my mom used to pull crap like that and I finally stood up to her at my wedding and things have been much better. She isn't very involved, but I like it so much better than the emotional abuse she used to put me through.

I know you are absolutely right about putting my foot down now, because if i don't... after the baby is here it will be harder to do and it will get worse. Thanks for the encouragement, I needed it.

NewMrsMacC

Disneygeek77 said: If she does throw a fit, what is the worse that will happen ?  She throws a fit.  You can ignore it if you please.  Step outside of the room, ignore phone calles, ignore texts.  If she says something in your presence, get up an leave.
Look, she behaves this way because people let her and it probably gets her what she wants.  She is no different than a toddler throwing a fit in the middle of the candy aisle.  They probably do it because it works.  If it works, they keep doing it.  Let your mom know loud and clear that her manipulations won't work on you anymore.  Ignore her, walk out of the room, or simply laugh an roll your eyes.  
The delivery room isn't a spectator sport.  If having her there will make you feel uneasy, then she shouldn't be there.  

You are spot on, she does do this shit because it DOES get her what she wants... every. single. time. I feel exactly as you stated, I don't want my delivery to be a spectacle for everyone to see, its not for or about them, its about me, my husband, and our new baby. I know in my heart what I want isnt wrong, but I have so much anxiety about doing ANYTHING that will hurt her feelings and cause her to start lashing out, being vindictive and causing chaos and drama. I need to find a way to make this happen with as little drama as possible...

Disneygeek77

Well, have a game plan. 

 Tell her about it and if she starts any drama, hang up on her. 

 If you see her in person say " I can see you are upset about this, I will talk to you again when you are feeling better" and then leave.

Ignore emails and text.  Do not give your reasons about why you want what you want, that will only give her ammunition to argue with you.  Simply state "  DH will be the only one in the room with me, end of discussion."  She starts her hysterics, you get up and leave.  You do the every single time.  Don't argue, just get up and leave.  If she want an explanation, don't give her one.  Once again let her know this is the way it is going to be, end of discussion.

Prepare yourself for the fact that she will cry, she will sob, she will give you the silent treatment, she will bad mouth you to other family members, she will be hurt, she will be upset and she will be disappointed.  This isn't what she always imagined it will be like when she had a grandchild, and that is ok.  It is all ok.  The world won't stop spinning because your mom's feelings are hurt.  

You will be setting a good precedent for the future because I promise it won't end with the delivery room.  I also wanted to say that I honestly believe that upsetting your parents is part of growing up.  I have had to do it, my husband has had to do it and you know what.  None of our parents died because we upset them.  If anything it improved our relationships because they now see us as equals instead of pushovers.

naturaloaklandmama

I am in the same boat. I love my mom but I want a natural birth and she does not really support that but even more than that, I just want to have my husband and my midwives. My mom and I have a loving but complicated relationship and I don't want to think about that while I am laboring. I just want ot focus on the task at hand and not wonder what she is thinking and make sure she is ok, etc. This is not about taking care of guests, its about putting us, the birthing women, in the most comfortable state possible. So I fully support you and have to do the same! I tried to indirectly tell her but she didn't really get it so now I am just going to have to be blatant and direct about it, which I am not looking forward to because I know it will hurt her feelings. Nevertheless, this is an instance where being selfish is absolutely appropriate, and indeed what's good for you while birthing is good for the baby, so frankly its not being selfish, its looking out for your baby. 

NewMrsMacC

naturaloaklandmama said:

My mom and I have a loving but complicated relationship and I don't want to think about that while I am laboring. I just want ot focus on the task at hand and not wonder what she is thinking and make sure she is ok, etc. 

Yes, this! I know if she is in there it will somehow become about her, and I will be trying to make things comfortable for her and worrying about if she is happy and OK (while *I* give birth!!!). I just want to be able to give all my love, focus, attention and energy to who it should belong to, my baby and DH. *sigh*

apmom

Just be honest and firm!  She will get over it, and you know what is best for you, DH and the baby to come!

spacepotatoes

I agree with @Disneygeek77. State your wishes calmly and clearly, and if she throws a fit, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and don't engage in any further discussion. If it comes up again after that, stick with "I'm sorry you feel that way" and changing the topic.

You are not being unreasonable at all and you need to focus on what you need during this time. If she can't respect that, that's on her.

dwnslde

I wouldn't call her until after and do a white lie of "everything happened so quickly and we left the phone in the car... Oops!"

jasrun80

I hear you,,, while my mom didn't "do" a lot for my first unborn etc, and she would've respected my wishes to not have her in the room, etc, I still didn't want to tend to ANYONE but myself, my baby,, and my husband. I called my mom when I was like 6cm & she was there ASAP but not IN the room,,, after he was born it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought (her presence) -- but it was late & I did look forward to resting alone with my new little family. you don't know how/when it will happen so I'd just call her right after.

Jags8

1) Put your foot down and tell her how it's going to be.
2) Tell the hospital staff that you only want your DH in the delivery room.
3) Don't call her until the baby is born and you are ready for visitors.

ncbelle

You an adult - stand up for what's right for you (and if you don't do it now, it will only get worse once baby is here).  As long as you are nice about it, it's not on you if she decides to pout and act like a baby - which if my mom did that I'd be inclined to tell she needed to grow up before she could spend time with my child.

becomingmommyagain

I have the same issue with my mom.  She keeps saying that she's going to be here for the delivery and I keep telling her she's not.  She's been spoiled and was allowed into the room for 8 of the 9 grandchildren.  Even my brother's wife caved and let my mom in.  I was a lot younger for my first pregnancies and with a crappy ex-H I felt I needed her there.  Now..life is different and its been 14 years since my last baby and I'm not close to her anymore (for a number of reasons).  Fortunately for us she lives in Florida and we in Ohio, so I can at least delay her arrival by just not telling her.   But last week she insisted she's coming up in mid-June and will be staying until he's here to help us out....Um...no.  I'm looking forward to my maternity leave to be just me and LO.  Avoidance of conflict is not something my family does, so I'm sure we'll have it out soon.  But my DH is very supportive and will have no problem telling my mom she can wait outside.

jessig13826

I agree a 100% with you! that's my attitude too. Don't be afraid to tell her. Just tell her, nicely.

soylatte

Just sending some extra encouragement! There is some good advice on here from other ppl. Boundaries need to be set, even though I'm sure it will be an ongoing challenge. I wouldn't call anyone til after you are ready for people to show up at the hospital. Make it clear this is an intimate time with your husband that you want to experience together. It's what you need to have a delivery experience that is as stress-free as possible and it does not matter who may feel offended. For once, it IS all about you. Be firm. Be a team with your hubby and use the nurses to enforce anything that may come up. DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS. :-)

mileswithmyles

I feel you.  This is like my MIL.  The bottom line is it is your baby and your choice.  I think that she should respect your wishes and know she will get plenty of time with LO once you deliver.  I think setting a precedent now that you are making the choices is important so that she doesn't overstep her boundaries later down the line.  Good luck!

tbarker14

I never understand these post... look your mom had her chance when she gave birth to you... it's your turn. Besides your mom wasn't there when you and your husband conceived the LO... why should she be there when the LO gets welcomed into the world?
My Mom is flying up to be with me for the birth of our first child...BUT she will not be in the delivery room... in fact she's planning on staying at the hotel dog sitting our dog while we are in the hospital. She will only come afterwards during visiting hours (when my DH let's everyone know). Then when we come home she will spend the first few weeks with us before flying back home. No mess, no Fuss.. YOU need to put your foot down. You need to tell your mom what the plan is.. and she needs to follow it.. if she disagrees well Too bloody bad! Its your LO not hers...
Like I said I don't understand the post by people saying "I'm afraid of the drama, it's my mom.." it's your kid... might start standing up for what you and YH wants now otherwise before you know it others will be raising your child.

ivyreb

My mom is very similar to yours, it sounds like. I'm on my 3rd kid now and luckily she lives far enough away and my labors have been quick, so I have not had to deal with this particular situation. But Here's my thoughts: I understand not wanting to cause waves... she's your mom, and she's done a lot and will probably do more. If it were me I'd just explain that you love her, but want it to be something where just your husband and you are present for the birth, but then she can come in, see you and the baby, and then give you some rest. Surely she would understand that (ha, I know it's not a given though!). I'd get it out of the way now, so she's prepared, and you don't have anything negatively affecting the birth day. Good luck!

usernewname

I hear you! My mother keeps thinking and is telling people she will be there despite me bluntly telling her.

Like pp said, it's your choice. My mom can stomp her feet all she wants. I (and you) hold the power of letting her know.

kd&cd

Tell her your OB/Midwife only allows one support person aka your DH, then tell your OB/Midwife you only want DH in he room and no one else is allowed in...they will ensure your wishes are followed

meganbwatson

Definitely don't allow her to be there if it will make you uncomfortable, as your body will make it harder to have a baby since you will be so tense. It's like a fight or flight response. good luck!

Frannavaldez9399

I DO agree with the other posts... But just be aware that come the first contraction... Either A) you won't give a rats ass who is there. Or you will find your voice and kick everyone out... With no hesitation!!! We did not announce that we were at the hosp until LO was here. But we have no family that lives close, and my friends respected my wishes to wait 24 hours. I wish they hadn't, as we got bored lol