I feel like my marriage is falling apart...

Tess024

This is more a vent than anything else... None of my friends have kids, so none of them know what I'm dealing with. I'm hoping someone here can relate.

DS was born at the end of January, and is almost 3 months old. He's great. I love him to death, and wouldn't trade him for the world. I never really wanted kids, but I can't imagine life without this little guy. He makes both my husband and myself very happy.

With that said, It's been very difficult for my husband and I to find any time together alone since the little guy was born. Our schedules are so out of synch, it crazy. I get up at 6 every morning with the baby, and we're out the door by 7:30 to get to daycare and work, etc. My husband doesn't wake up until 8:30, 9ish. I get home with DS at about 5:30, and we hang out for a little bit, and DH gets home at about 6:30. They hang out and play until DS gets fussy around 7, which is his bedtime. Then DH goes to exercise, I make dinner, then when dinner is ready, I exercise. By the time I'm done exercising, eating dinner, and getting everythign ready for the next day it's like 10:30, and I'm exhausted. I've actually seen and conversed with DH for a total of about 40 minutes. He stays up until about 2am, and I'm off to sleep at like 10:30... and this continues over through til Friday. Then when the weekend comes, I'm still up at 6 with the baby, and he sleeps until like 11 or 11:30

Sometimes I cry because I never see him anymore, and I wish things were the way they were before. I miss just being able to BE with him, instead of just having him around. We don't necessarily "fight", but he definitely gets pissed that I go to sleep so early.. vice versa, I get pissed when he won't come to bed early once in a while. I've tried to stay up, pumping caffeine through myself, but it just doesn't do the trick. Sexy time is just kind of *meh* right now... There is just never time. I think we're losing that bonding experience. I feel so lonely sometimes.

This is just way harder than I thought it would be, and I think he regrets that I no longer have as much time for him as I used to. Why does everyone else seem to have it together? I love my husband so much, he's my best friend. I don't want to lose him.

If you read until the end, thanks for reading.

bensmommy518

First off, I am really sorry you are feeling this way.  I know my marriage took a bit of a hit when we had DS and the only thing that really helped was time and lots of open communication.  So much changes when you have a child.  The change is not necessarily a bad thing, but both of you need to be on the same page with it.  Schedules may need to be adjusted, expectations need to be clarified and you both need to prioritize some time together at some point in the week, just like you prioritize your time with your new baby. 

Don't be afraid to sit down with him and lay it all on the table - how you are feeling and what you see that needs to change.  Just dont state it in a blaming way.  Then you need to honestly listen to what he is feeling and what he sees as needing to change.  Come up with a plan that both of you agree to and keep reassessing it.  I found I wanted to put ST on hold for a while because I felt pressured every time we had a minute alone but DH needed some ST to feel connected to me.  I wouldn't have known that if we hadn't talked honestly about our feelings and needs. Find a sitter for an hour or two and have a heart to heart with your hubby.  

ababymaybe

He needs to take a turn getting up with baby on the weekends. Regularly sleeping in five and a half hours after you've been up (unless he was working a late shift which isn't the case here) wouldn't fly in my house. I would be really resentful of that. And honestly, even if it isn't his day to get up, sleeping in until 11 just seems so... Juvenile to me. I would still expect him to get up at a reasonable hour and spend time with the family.

Can you find some kind of exercise you can do at home together? Like P90x or something? Then you could have dinner in the crockpot and eat together after, maybe have a glass of wine, and catch up.

KEfam5

ababymaybe said:

He needs to take a turn getting up with baby on the weekends. Regularly sleeping in five and a half hours after you've been up (unless he was working a late shift which isn't the case here) wouldn't fly in my house. I would be really resentful of that. And honestly, even if it isn't his day to get up, sleeping in until 11 just seems so... Juvenile to me. I would still expect him to get up at a reasonable hour and spend time with the family. Can you find some kind of exercise you can do at home together? Like P90x or something? Then you could have dinner in the crockpot and eat together after, maybe have a glass of wine, and catch up.

And if he is sleeping this late, wouldn't it stand to reason that maybe he could get up and exercise BEFORE he goes to work? Then when you go to work out he could get things together for you for the next day?  This staying up late, getting up late thing doesn't really make sense to me. There could definitely be some schedule compromise here.

SandFHasse

We definitely don't have it all together. It helped when I became a SAHM until DH decided to start working pool shift at a second hospital. He works 72 hour a week night shifts. Both kids miss him terribly as do I. We see him for maybe an hour a day and about 4 to 5 on his day off.

We do argue. We rarely get to have a conversation and ST is when he's not too exhausted from work.

We actually got to talk on Easter and today he said he really misses talking to me. That made me really happy to hear.

Sit down and talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. As LO gets older things don't necessarily get easier, but you'll have more time to spend with each other. DD plays independently while we spend time together for a little bit.

Sorry you feel this way. Good luck

LuGal623

I agree with PPs can you both agree to take turns staying up or going to bed together like @MarBee1214 said.  That way you'll both get that close quality time when the house is quiet. I also don't get why he would sleep in so late on the weekends when you're getting up with the baby everyday (unless I missed something). 

I think you both should talk about compromising for each other so that you don't feel like you're losing out on what you had before the baby came along.  It's a lot of work and I by no means have it all figured out either.  It's important for us to be flexible and that's one thing DH and I have talked about since before the baby. It will get better as your LO gets older and you can have alone time more during naps etc.

eacarmstrong

I am so sorry you're going through this.  So many of my friends joked with me that I would want to divorce my husband after having a baby!  It has gotten better for us, but we definitely went through a rough patch!

My DH used to stay up until until the early morning hours and sleep in.  He is a natural night owl and I am a natural morning person.  Before DS we were both fine with this because it gave us our alone time.  Before DS arrived I made it pretty clear to him that I wasn't okay with him sleeping late.  When DS first arrived he was still staying up late and sleeping in.  I nagged him about it, and then just kind of left him alone and told him it was his choice if he wanted to miss family time in the morning.  The next day he adjusted his schedule.  We now go to bed together and get up together.  This gives us a little bit of alone time to connect.  Even if it's just laying in bed for 30 minutes and talking about our days.  My suggestion would be that you both compromise on your schedules and meet in the middle. 

Good luck!  Oh,and I don't think "everyone else has it together".  All of us are figuring it out; just like you!  At least I am!

MJamison1020

Maybe I'm fat but I definitely don't think exercise should trump husband/wife together time. It sounds like you exercise somewhere in your home so why not make dinner together THEN exercise together? Or take a night off here and there. I just don't understands why everything is so separate, or why it comes off that only you are responsible for caring for LO and the house. If my household was like that, I would be full of resentment for DH. I think this new life takes time to adjust to but it also takes a lot of effort on both parts. Single parents are amazing amazing amazing people, however, you are lucky enough to not be in this alone so give that man some responsibilities!!! Sleeping til 11/11:30?! I would light the bed on fire!

housewifebecomesher

There's some really good suggestions here. I just wanted to say I feel like I've run a marathon each night (which I definitely haven't because working out isn't happening here!) but I totally get how that makes you feel very alone. Is there an opportunity for someone to take your LO so you two can have some alone time? Or, can you put a "can't miss it" half hour in the calendar one or two times a week for ST or just talking? I am sure things will improve over time. Hang in there.

mrsjenni

I can't even respond to this because I'm so pissed that he thinks he can sleep until 11-11:30 on weekends.  He has a kid.  Get his ass up. 

lmills730

I think people have given you some great suggestions. Exercise is important but it shouldn't be more important than spending time together. Could you go on a family walk or run together with LO in a jogging stroller? DH and I always have good conversation when we go on walks together. I would also not tolerate your husbands sleeping/staying up schedule. DH goes to bed with me so that he's well rested in the mornings. 11:30am is ridiculous IMHO, even before children when we would "sleep in" it would be 9-9:30.

angiek1

It sounds like the last thing you and your H are prioritizing is time together. What helped my H and I strike a balance is we literally have scheduled time together each day to ensure we are getting some 1:1 time. From there everything else gets scheduled around that time. An example is I moved my workout time to the mornings before H and the girls wake up. 

I have to agree with everyone else, the 11:00 - 11:30 am wake up time is complete BS. I have to also say the 9:00 - 9:30 am wake up time during the week is complete BS.  From what I read your H isn't working nights so there is no reason for him to sleep that late. If it is just b/c he is chilling until 2:00 am he needs to SERIOUSLY readjust his schedule. 

I would have a heart to heart with your H ASAP so you can sit down and find a new schedule.

joshsmandy

We're on child number 4 and we don't have it together at all lol. I mean it works because we compromise things to help each other and we make lunch dates. I travel for work but when I'm going to be local we will schedule a lunch date

Tess024

MJamison1020 said:

Maybe I'm fat but I definitely don't think exercise should trump husband/wife together time. It sounds like you exercise somewhere in your home so why not make dinner together THEN exercise together? Or take a night off here and there. I just don't understands why everything is so separate, or why it comes off that only you are responsible for caring for LO and the house. If my household was like that, I would be full of resentment for DH. I think this new life takes time to adjust to but it also takes a lot of effort on both parts. Single parents are amazing amazing amazing people, however, you are lucky enough to not be in this alone so give that man some responsibilities!!! Sleeping til 11/11:30?! I would light the bed on fire!

this would be.. because I am... After thinking about it, I think this is a huge part of the issue. I do EVERYTHING... he's never changed a diaper. He's too nervous to even be left alone with the baby while I go for a 30 minute run outside, so I exercise int he basement. He hates when the baby cries. If the baby is crying, it's "the baby calling me to help him"... I do all the feedings and changing, I bathe him, I put him to bed. He likes to play with him and stuff, but when it comes to caring for the baby, it's all on me.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent (which I know I'm not, and I know it's so much harder for them!)

Tess024

Also, thank you ladies for your input!!! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who fell apart after baby!!

susieandmarty

You both need to make time together a priority.

I would not let my husband sleep that in a regular basis. I would literally wake his ass up. If he finds he is tired, he will go to bed early with you. He needs to experience his life and not sleep through it. Honestly, juvenile is a much nicer word then I would have for this behavior.

All that aside - put the kid in a stroller and walk with your husband for exercise and then eat together. It will do wonders for your marriage and you will get in your exercise. If you are not professional athletes then a few nights walking/running together should be great.

Edit: I hope this does not come off like I have no sympathy. It is very tough to adjust to life with baby. Based on what you are saying, though, you h does not seem to be making any effort

Tylynngrace

I can completely relate! Our problem is more of the fact that I work 1st shift and he works 2nd shift. We see each other for 10 minutes during the week. The weekends are better but I work Saturdays so it isn't much different. I can sympathize with you.
I think you should see if you can find a babysitter and get out just the two of you for a couple of hours. You both need the alone time, it really helped H and I. Also I think YH needs to start waking up with DS, you're not the only one that made that baby. He needs to take more responsibility for him. MH hardly helped me at first and it made me resent him, it took a lot of talking to him but he's finally understanding I can't do it alone. You and YH just need to talk and let him know where you're coming from.

somewierd_person

I would be honest when you talk to him about your expectations of him in terms of taking care of your lo. Not requiring him to participate in the physical aspects of parenting is actually limiting the bonding he can do with your child. Part of being married and ending up stronger after these types of trials is going through it together, not one person doing all the work. Men can be dense and he's not confident in what to do so I would give him clear expectations and instructions if needed, the only way to get better at anything is to practice. That's a mentality that both my h and I rely on when things get rough, that and communication. We practice a lot! I hope you are able to work together so things go smoother.

cnctf

mcg1119 said:

Your husband needs to start being a father! He should be participating in feeding, changing, and bathing his child. Sleeping in until 11 is crazy. I agree with pps that taking a walk together as a family would be good exercise and a good way to spend time together.

ALL of this. My S/O works 5 days then does sidejobs after his FT job and/or on the weekends, and even at that there is no way in hell that I would tolerate him sleeping in till 11am. I really think you need to talk to him and have him doing things besides playing with L/O before you start to resent him. 

MJamison1020

Tess024 said:

MJamison1020 said:

Maybe I'm fat but I definitely don't think exercise should trump husband/wife together time. It sounds like you exercise somewhere in your home so why not make dinner together THEN exercise together? Or take a night off here and there. I just don't understands why everything is so separate, or why it comes off that only you are responsible for caring for LO and the house. If my household was like that, I would be full of resentment for DH. I think this new life takes time to adjust to but it also takes a lot of effort on both parts. Single parents are amazing amazing amazing people, however, you are lucky enough to not be in this alone so give that man some responsibilities!!! Sleeping til 11/11:30?! I would light the bed on fire!

this would be.. because I am... After thinking about it, I think this is a huge part of the issue. I do EVERYTHING... he's never changed a diaper. He's too nervous to even be left alone with the baby while I go for a 30 minute run outside, so I exercise int he basement. He hates when the baby cries. If the baby is crying, it's "the baby calling me to help him"... I do all the feedings and changing, I bathe him, I put him to bed. He likes to play with him and stuff, but when it comes to caring for the baby, it's all on me.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent (which I know I'm not, and I know it's so much harder for them!)


Get out of here! The baby is crying because he's a baby. Or maybe because dad is kind of like a stranger to him!

Oh no, honey. No no. Nip that in the bud now. Whatever it takes to do it - you'll come out better on the other side. Sending you strong vibes to kick his butt into shape!

mairybear

I feel ya. If schedules can't be compromised with working out or whatever than carve out time to go out for 2 hours without the baby on the weekend. Dinner / anything and just talk. My toddler gets mad if we have adult convos and my son is still colic so our nights are quite busy.. We don't talk much but text/email intraday. We booked a 4 day vacation so we have time alone in mid May. Everyone's marriage is diff, for us some alone time weather at night (happens once a week) or the weekend for dinner, we need it. It helps a ton! Hugs and good luck!

mrsjenni

Tess024 said:

this would be.. because I am... After thinking about it, I think this is a huge part of the issue. I do EVERYTHING... he's never changed a diaper. He's too nervous to even be left alone with the baby while I go for a 30 minute run outside, so I exercise int he basement. He hates when the baby cries. If the baby is crying, it's "the baby calling me to help him"... I do all the feedings and changing, I bathe him, I put him to bed. He likes to play with him and stuff, but when it comes to caring for the baby, it's all on me. 

Sometimes I feel like a single parent (which I know I'm not, and I know it's so much harder for them!)

Jigga what? He's never changed a diaper?  He's never fed the baby? He's never been left alone with him?  Let me tell ya... it's not his nerves that are the problem. (Or maybe they are... b/c he clearly seems to have a lot of them.)

Oh, honey. I almost wish I could be the one to set him straight.

peanutmuse

mrsjenni said:

Tess024 said:

this would be.. because I am... After thinking about it, I think this is a huge part of the issue. I do EVERYTHING... he's never changed a diaper. He's too nervous to even be left alone with the baby while I go for a 30 minute run outside, so I exercise int he basement. He hates when the baby cries. If the baby is crying, it's "the baby calling me to help him"... I do all the feedings and changing, I bathe him, I put him to bed. He likes to play with him and stuff, but when it comes to caring for the baby, it's all on me. 

Sometimes I feel like a single parent (which I know I'm not, and I know it's so much harder for them!)

Jigga what? He's never changed a diaper?  He's never fed the baby? He's never been left alone with him?  Let me tell ya... it's not his nerves that are the problem. (Or maybe they are... b/c he clearly seems to have a lot of them.)

Oh, honey. I almost wish I could be the one to set him straight.

 I 100% agree with @mrsjenni here.

And I also want to say that between your husband sleeping in until 11am and not helping take care of the baby EVER, he is officially a douche bag. I'm sorry, I know that's not helpful advice. But his behavior is not normal and absolutely not acceptable.

I can't imagine letting a man walk all over me like that. Changes need to be made in your household, sooner rather than later. If he fights you and tries to blame you, please know that you are not the one who is in the wrong here. He needs to step up.

MiaMyPuggle

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I can sympathize with you. He needs to pull his weight as well....I didn't read the other comments yet, but what about exercising while baby in the bouncer or swing in the room with you? Have H help more around the house. He also needs to sacrifice bc it seems like you're sacrificing it all and he's living the life of Reilly.

valigrl21

Bookshelves said:

Based on your description, your husband is having about half an hour of interaction with the baby each weekday, and none of that includes feeding or diaper changes? You might not be fighting, but it doesn't sound like you're asking for what you need, either. He can say he's nervous -- does he think you weren't when you first brought the baby home? I'd venture a guess that 95% of us were terrified. We learned, because that's what parents do. He needs to watch you and get over himself. I can't wrap my head around these fathers who have never changed a diaper. I just can.not. And he needs to get his damn ass in and out of bed at decent times, because that's what grown-ups do. I'm really sorry you're struggling. Please, please, be honest with him, and don't let this resentment build. I hope you will both be able to find some compromises that work for you, and that he'll recognize what needs to change and work to build his confidence.

All of this. OP I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Your baby is what 3 or 4 months old by now, it's time for him to watch LO all by himself and learn how to change a diaper and help out. Be specific with what/how you want him to help out and do it a kind manner to let him know you still respect and love him as well. Wishing you lots of luck in sorting this out.

Tess024

Thank you ladies!!! We had a looonnnggg talk last night (well, a long cry)

peanutmuse

Tess024 said:

Thank you ladies!!! We had a looonnnggg talk last night (well, a long cry)

@Tess024, Has he changed a diaper yet?