No affection

katiakhb1

Hi, I've been trying to deal with the issue for awhile now, but I can't do it anymore. I need help. I want to understand what is going on. My 21 month old daughter is acting like she is mad at me and she has nothing to do with me, and it's just heartbreaking. When I come home from work she doesn't acknowledge me, when I reach out for a hug and a kiss that we used to exchange she just slaps me in the face. Same thing in the morning when I pick her up from the crib. Anytime. There are no goodbye kisses and hugs for me either anymore, I don't have a slightest clue as to what would cause her to do that. She has no siblings. It's just me and my husband, her dad. When he needs to leave the room, she screams and runs after him, crying and saying "no no no" as I'm reaching out to console her. She cries her eyes out, won't let me pick her up, twisting my arms and falling over. I'm not forcing her into hugs and kisses or being held, as it just stresses her out. But it looks like she is scared of me or something... She has lots of love for her grandparents that she sees weekly, sometimes she is acting shy around them, but it's me, her mom, she ignores and slaps. My husband is being supportive and says its must be just a weird toddler stage and she'll be over it soon, but it's been about a year since it first started and I feel terrible. She does let me hold her a few times a day, but it couldn't be more obvious that she would much rather be with anyone else. She turns to me mostly when she is hungry, but not all the time either. After she ate, she is gone again. I'm trying not to take it personally as she is just a little baby and doesn't know how much it hurts for me, but here I am, finding myself crying as she is acting like this again, and I don't know what can I do to make it up to her, what it is that I'm doing wrong and how to fix this. I love her more then anything in the world, and I feel helpless. Any advice is greatly appreciated...

yepyepsms

I have the exact same situation going on (also going on almost a year).  Could have wrote the post myself about my son.  So first, want you to know you're not alone. I don't have any friends that have this, they all say "oh my gosh, you are so lucky that he doesn't cling on you, just be thankful". But of course, I would love for one day to be the wanted one and hate this "advice" from my friends.  I have two things that I attribute to why he doesn't want time with me.  1. I work very long hours and my DH has daycare dropoff and pickup and gets about two hours more a day with him than I do. 2. I am pregnant and due soon, and this has been a tough pregnancy, so between morning sickness and now just being huge, I don't have the energy to do all the fun things DH and him do. So I tell myself "of course he'd want to be with familiar, fun Dad". He goes to DH for comfort, affection, everything before me. 

So I don't have a lot of advice, but two things have worked or made me feel better.  1. Have certain parts of your day that is routine that only you and her do.  I have always fed him dinner, given the bath and did the bedtime routine.  No matter what, I always get his attention and affection at those times, so I can at least count on that when I am down/he doesn't want me.  Protect those times for you two only as much as you can  2. Have your DH leave and give you two alone time. Make it happen as much as possible. I used to hate the idea because I wanted to be with my husband and my child as a family but learned it was necessary to building a better relationship with DS.  I get very good time with him when DH is not around. Lastly, believe that it's a phase. I try to remind myself how it was the first year of his life, I was the only one he wanted...I breastfed him and we had so many wonderful moments together and he wanted nothing to do with DH.  So it's all in cycles and our time will come back around:)  Hugs and hang in there! 

katiakhb1

smdukes, thank you so much for the kind words! We've been trying to rotate the bedtime/morning routine with my husband lately as we both enjoy it, but I do see that I need time alone with her, and hopefully it will help. All the best wishes to your family, just think of all the time off ahead with 2 kiddos!

katiakhb1

ClaryPax, that is a very interesting thought. She is very possessive of daddy and doesn't like it when he is affectionate towards me. She will stand between us and shoo me away, sometimes she'll even bite... She wants his undivided attention.

Hennessy

I was considering writing a similar post. My DS prefers DH at all times.... And it's been this way for quite some time. I can completely understand why it upsets you. Every time he asks for dada while we are playing or reaches for DH while he's in my arms, it breaks my heart. Like pp, I work a lot and have a pretty long commute some days which means almost all day care drop offs and pick ups are done by DH. Plus, when I am home I'm generally trying to get a ton of things done... Laundry, cooking etc so DS doesn't have my undivided attention but DH is on the floor playing with him while I'm cooking dinner. It's hard to get the same amount of quality time with him that his dad has... Simply because of all the other things I have going on. I try to spend as much time as I can on weekends playing and interacting with him but he still prefers his dada. I only hope that it's a phase that ends soon! Just know you are not alone!

jnnfrrose6

ClaryPax said:

I'm sorry you are hurting.  DS did this to both me and DH for a long time.  He would alternate who he wanted to be with.  It is developmental, and they will grow out of it.  You just have to show them that you love them no matter what.  I read somewhere that it is them wanting to be like you, so to be like you they have to be with Daddy.  I don't know if that makes any sense, but they are trying to imitate you (which is a form of flattery), but don't want to be around you because they are trying to take your place with dad. 

It's called the Oedipal/Oedipus Complex, but I don't know if it's something that starts before 2.  I think it's usually for 3-6 year olds, if you believe in it at all.  I think it may just have more to do with trying to be "independent" and express herself more and as others have said, it's a phase.

djm31012

i will echo others and say its really important to spend 1 on 1 time with your LO. I also work long hours--usually gone 60-65 hrs a week and drops off are always done by DH. that being said, when I come home at 545pm...DS is my sole focus until he goes to bed btwn 7 and 730. everything else takes a back seat. I will also take random days off just to be with him.i give him lots of love and attention and we are very silly together. I have no doubts that you do the same, and I know its just a phase...but see if you can take like 3 days off in a row to be with your LO just the 2 of you. that will help.

traveltheworld

I'm in the opposite situation as DS vastly prefers me over DH, but I'll share what has worked for improving DH's relationship with DS.  Just so you have some context - things got really bad between the two of them when DS turned 14 months.  DS would push DH out of his room, and would even try to bite or hit him to make him go away.  And if DH staid, DS would scream non-stop and thorw massive tantrums, but would quite down the moment DH is out of sight.  Poor DH.

So we decided they need to spend alone time together every Saturday morning.  We found that I actually have to leave the house; otherwise DS would just cry and ask for mommy.  DH also started taking DS to gymnastics (which DS absolutely loves) every week, so that's their "fun" activity together. 

Over the months, it has gotten a lot better.  Also, for what it's worth - I don't think it has anything to do with you per se.  My DH was/is a VERY involved father, and spent just as much time with DS as I did, but for whatever reason, DS just didn't "like" him for that time period.

smileybabyboy

DS is like this with H.  H will get home from work and will ask and try to get a hug from DS and he just screams and says no.  I hate it and feel so bad for H.  We rotate who puts him to bed every night. Me tonight, tomorrow it's him, the next day it's me, and so on.  DS usually screams when H is trying to brush his teeth but once they are in the bedroom reading books, he is fine.  H says he's only like that when I'm around. When DS is screaming and pushing away, I try to  tell him it's a phase but I can see it really bothers him  =(

emberlee3

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is common, and both my children have done it at times with DH or me. One on one time is absolutely the best strategy. I work long hours at times, and that definitely makes it worse. I remember one long stretch working 15 or 16 days straight. I missed my kids so much, but when I finally had a day off, they wanted nothing to do with me.

((Hugs))

myjohnsonboys

My now four year old went through this but it was me he preferred now it's the opposite he is all about dad and my 19 month old is all about me. I know it can be hurtful but I promise it does switch up over times. When I find my 4 year old behaving this way I try to plan things for just he and I to reconnect.

katiakhb1

Thank you all so much for the great advice! I'm happy to say that we have finally clicked We are both enjoying each other's company, and it feels great!

KyMommy86

I should have my husband read this. He is very bothered that our son prefers me and always runs to me for cuddles and comfort.
Even though it isn't me who feels the pain, and I don't doubt that it is VERY painful, I know that you are not alone. Your child does love you kids go through phases of who they "like better" and I put that in quotations because it's isn't exactly about liking someone better though it may seem that way.
Try to split discipline 50/50 so one person isn't always the "bad guy" if you don't already. Maybe have a few hours where it's just you and your little one doing something fun together, no one else around.
I'm sure she'll come around and starting loving on you again. I know it's tough. Keep your head up.

KyMommy86

I'm sorry I missed the part where you said you've finally clicked.
Guess my advise, for what it was, it a moot point now.