I'm butthurt. Please tell me to grow up.

CowgirlK39

I'm getting really sick of not being able to ever see our niece. SIL and MIL hold her constantly, and the minute they think she's showing the slightest distress, they come running and take her away. SIL rarely takes her out of the house so MIL goes over there every single day. Thus the baby only knows MIL and SIL. SILs DH even says DN will not cooperate for him because SIL never leaves her alone.

So today we met at church for Easter. MIL let me have DN but as usual she began so look distressed. She always screams hysterically when she sees me because she isn't used to me. I held her for, I shit you not, one minute. MIL scooped her out of my arms and said "she sits better for me so I will take her. "

I'm pretty hurt by the fact that DH and I never get to see this child for more than a few minutes. When we have family gatherings, we hold her but she freaks out and poof, she's gone! I understand that I'm not the mother and I must respect SILs choices as a mom so I tell myself to get over it. But I'm still hurt Someone please tell me to grow the hell up.

Jags8

Nah, I can't tell you to grow up because I would be butt hurt too. I love spending time with my nieces and nephew.

Could you stop by your SIL's house more, or offer to babysit while they go on a date?

CowgirlK39

She's six months old. The problem is that everyone is always holding her. They never, ever, ever leave her alone. She's never sitting in a swing, never playing in a pack and play, nothing. She is always being held. For example, MIL and I tried to take her for a walk in the stroller today. We walked for about five minutes and she began crying and MIL pulled her out of the stroller and carried her the rest of the way. Anytime we see her, she is always in someone's arms.

We have tried to see her on our own but usually there is some excuse. SIL and BIL work separate shifts so someone is always home with DN. But usually "work" is the reason we cannot come over. We don't want to impose and invite ourselves over (which is what what MIL does, so she's there ever single day). One time MIL offered to bring DN over to our place and SIL said no, because she wanted to spend time with the baby by herself without MIL. She's so sick of always having someone there that when someone legit wants to see the baby, she says no so she can have time with her. I'm just super frustrated.

Jags8

WhoCanItBeNow said:

I wouldn't have wanted to see my 6 month old crying and uncomfortable when it wasn't necessary either. 

God forbid a 6 month old be held and interacted with. And yet you are whining about not holding her? 

I think she was just trying to make the point that she never even gets the opportunity to pick up and hold her niece because someone else scoops her up immediately, and steals her away when she does get the opportunity.

CowgirlK39

I understand that's how six month olds are. I get it that she's going to cry like crazy. I just get mad that the second she even starts to whimper, someone comes and gets her. I just feel like we never get to enjoy being with her because we never get to do *anything* with her. Hell, I would be happy sitting beside her while she is in a swing, or something like that. We don't get that because she is always in SIL or MILs arms. But I guess you're right. Maybe I should just wait till she's older and has more capability to know who I am and have fun that way.

ArgyleBride

I wouldn't put it quite like Ghost/WCITBN, but I do think you are being unreasonable and should go with the flow.  She's a baby.  Your chances for interaction will only go up from here, so just sit back and wait.

ArgyleBride

Besides, isn't six months one of the biggest times for stranger anxiety?  An 18-month-old buddy of mine has been perfectly happy being babysat by me at every stage of his life so far but that one.

Kster508

I agree with fredalina. Baby just has to learn to trust his auntie.

Wine&Cupcakes

fredalina said:

When Char was 3 months old, I took her to the first family reunion. I scooped her out of my sister's arms when she started to fuss. My sister said, "If she fusses, give me 30 seconds to try to calm her. Just 30 seconds. If she needs something, tell me what it is that she needs and I'll get it for her, a bottle, a diaper change, whatever." And you know what? It worked. I DON'T think holding a 6 month old niece for more than 2 seconds is asking too much. I don't think it's too much to be able to try to calm her for a few seconds before she's scooped away. And I needed to be reminded that.

I agree with this. I'll be the first to admit I don't have kids...but I was a nanny and am a pedi nurse. Kids with more hands-off parents tend to do the best and be more independent. I think this behavior will bite MIL/SIL in the ass someday when the kid will need help to wipe her ass when she's 15.

That being said, there is a fine line between getting fussy because she's not used to strangers or beginning a meltdown - which I would want to avoid as well.

I'm speaking mainly from my experience as a nurse/nanny and how I see thousands of children interact and get to observe the way parents interact in usually high-stress situations.

However, my friend did the same that as what a PP mentioned - she gave the baby to me and when the baby started fussing, told me to take some time and try to calm her. Mom needed a break and I was happy to have the baby, fussy or not, and I was always able to calm the baby within a few minutes. Plus, mom said she wanted her to be used to being around other people.

8mos old is usually the time that stranger anxiety begins to peak, based on my child development/pedi knowledge but that's a generalization. This kid is going to have anxiety from strangers from never being exposed to any.

Wine&Cupcakes

WhoCanItBeNow said:

LOL. I just noticed that they handed her the baby IN CHURCH and she started screaming hysterically, so someone that the child knew took her so she wouldn't be screaming hysterically during the service. That's what the OP is butthurt about.

Because that's what everyone in the service wanted- a know-it-all aunt trying to calm a screaming child that could be easily calmed by handing her to someone the baby knows.

I agree with this 100%, but I'm thinking OPs frustration is more from the buildup of never having a second with her niece, not from this isolated incident. I don't think it's selfish for her to want to spend some time with her niece - I assume she loves her and would enjoy to begin building a relationship with her - one that she doesn't get to forge because MIL and SIL won't give her time for it. However, MIL and SIL could also think they are being very helpful by not subjecting anyone to a fussy baby.

CowgirlK39

Okay let me clarify. First of all, we were at church but the service had not started yet. We were all just gathered before everything started and MIL handed her to me. She wasn't screaming, just looking around nervously and making little "about to cry" sounds. The past few times I have seen her, she takes one look at me and starts to sob. She didn't quite get there yet this time.

Second, yes SIL is completely fed up with MIL being overbearing. Every time DN is with a group, MIL hovers over whoever has her and just snatches her away from everyone. SIL has just given up fighting with her mom and lets her do it now. A number of times, when MIL is babysitting, she calls me and invites me to come over to see DN. But as usual, I hold her for about 5 mins, she makes that "who the hell are you" face and starts to cry and bang.... in comes MIL. Once when this happened, she proceeded to scream bloody murder the whole time MIL held her so I said I would spend time with her when she felt better. The next time i saw her was at a family gathering and after every one had held her and passed her around, they offered her to me. She was soaked in sweat because she was over heating from all the body heat so I gave her right back to SIL.

Im not going to complain to anyone about it obviously, i'm just saying that its just a bit frustrating that I don't seem to get that chance to calm her, like PPs said. Its like they take one look, see she is slightly worried, and take her. I wish we could spend time with her without MIL but like i said in the beginning, we do not get that because SIL and her dh keep saying they do not want company because they feel like they always have company with MIL being there every day. I guess I do seem selfish then. Well, i guess i will just back off and wait till she is older to spend time with her.

ashiscute

Why don't you make an offer for your SIL to come to your house for dinner or something without your MIL there?  Just like a couples thing?  If I were you I would be annoyed too because you want to have a relationship with your niece.  And again there is a difference between fussing for a second and having a full blown meltdown. 

ashiscute

WhoCanItBeNow said:

ashiscute said:

Why don't you make an offer for your SIL to come to your house for dinner or something without your MIL there?  Just like a couples thing?  If I were you I would be annoyed too because you want to have a relationship with your niece.  And again there is a difference between fussing for a second and having a full blown meltdown. 

And that difference can be about .2684741 seconds in some kids.

I can see the look in my kid's face when he's at that point and have for his whole life. If we are in public and say about to go sit down for a church service, you can wager your donkey I would do what I needed to in order to put a stop to it.

The rest? Well, they all need to quit being doormats and open their damn mouths.

Of course it can.  But there is a difference between someone my LO doesn't know well (sees maybe once or twice per year) and my brothers or sisters.  If my SIL was holding one of my kids and they started crying I wouldn't necessarily go get them if she wanted to try to calm them down.  OP made it seem like she sees her niece fairly often but just isn't getting the chance to bond.  That would make me sad too.  And she made it seem like it happens constantly not just once at a church. 

blush64

Edit My baby bumped my hands and this posted before I was ready. I will be editing again to fix. Edit I fixed some things.

@Wine&Cupcakes‌, I disagree a lot of what you are saying here. You honestly believe that holding a baby, a young baby, will lead to serious issues at 15? That is a huge jump.

There are many ways to correctly parent your children. Hands on or hands off you can raise your children properly and they can become very independant people as they grow and mature.

Stranger anxiety happens to some kids and getting a child used to being around a lot of people does not mean you will get to skip it. My kids are were around many different people, they were exposed to many family members, other kids and strangers. It did not prevent one of my kids from terrible stranger anxiety, starting well before 8 months.

I held my kids a lot. It has not held them back or hurt them in any way. There are parents who hold their children back and smother them just as there are parents who are way too hands off and uncaring. I just don't think you can jump to that conclusion in this case.

OP, I would try to interact with her when she is being held by her mom if you can. She will get older and she will get to know you. There is plenty of time to cuddle her and play with her. It is great you want to be a good aunt but I think it is over reacting to be so out of sorts about this.

Edit Erased to shorten

Pinkrose1012

I am lurking and wanted to make a comment. OP do you and your SIL have a good relationship? The reason why I asked is because my SIL and I have a okay relationship, long story short she has disrespected both DH and I and had also tried to get us to break up when we were just dating. This is one of many reasons as to why I rarely allow her to watch DD or even spend time with her. I know this sounds bad, but my DH and I made this decision together. Could this be why you barely get to see your DN? Not trying to sound harsh or even trying to start something, just a thought. 

Maybe talk to your SIL and see if there is something you both can agree on where you can see your DN and spend some quality time with her, Good Luck I hope everything works out!

CowgirlK39

We have a great relationship. She and I used to hang out all the time before the baby. It just is a combination of MIL being obsessive (I could give a thousand examples of her being obsessed but I digress) and SIL being protective. But like everyone said, it's her kid she can do as she pleases. I never questioned that. It's just much worse when the two of them are together. I'll get over it.

Wine&Cupcakes

blush64 said:

Edit My baby bumped my hands and this posted before I was ready. I will be editing again to fix. Edit I fixed some things. @Wine&Cupcakes‌, I disagree a lot of what you are saying here. You honestly believe that holding a baby, a young baby, will lead to serious issues at 15? That is a huge jump. There are many ways to correctly parent your children. Hands on or hands off you can raise your children properly and they can become very independant people as they grow and mature. Stranger anxiety happens to some kids and getting a child used to being around a lot of people does not mean you will get to skip it. My kids are were around many different people, they were exposed to many family members, other kids and strangers. It did not prevent one of my kids from terrible stranger anxiety, starting well before 8 months. I held my kids a lot. It has not held them back or hurt them in any way. There are parents who hold their children back and smother them just as there are parents who are way too hands off and uncaring. I just don't think you can jump to that conclusion in this case. OP, I would try to interact with her when she is being held by her mom if you can. She will get older and she will get to know you. There is plenty of time to cuddle her and play with her. It is great you want to be a good aunt but I think it is over reacting to be so out of sorts about this. Edit Erased to shorten

And that, my friend, is called sarcasm.

I'm very cognizant of the fact that personality plays an equal role in how a child will respond, as does normal development, however, OP suggest that MIL never gives the child a chance to interact and/or bond with anyone before she swoops in. It stands to reason that this lack of socialization could potentiate anxiety in a child pre-disposed to it already, or, perhaps, the child will naturally become more sociable and learn to love strangers, albeit, at an older age when she is able to dictate for herself with whom she interacts.

That being said, I notice a huge difference (generally speaking, as I said in my first post) that overall, the more laid back parents have a more laid back child, and I especially see that anxious/nervous helicopter parents have more anxious children. Since I see children and families at high-stress times (pre/post-op, hospitalized, etc.) it's interesting to see how the parents act/interact and how the child does as well. I often notice this pattern.

Also, my comment had nothing to do with how often someone holds/doesn't hold their child. It was simply about allowing a child to bond with others and adequate time to experience others, which, in OP's case, doesn't happen much for her niece. I wasn't starting an attachment parenting debate. It wasn't about that.

aggiebug

The situation stinks, you are correct.  Just try to remember that this is a very short time period of her life, and once she really starts interacting/ playing and connecting you will be there to play and engage with her.  

blush64

Edit, I messed up the quote again.

Yes, I get that you did not think the child would not be wiping his bottom however even sarcastically you imply that there will be a huge lack of independance and the child will have trouble doing things on his own because of the way the mother acts. The only thing we know the mother does is pick up her baby when the baby starts to fuss. I do not agree that picking up a baby who is starting to fuss will necessarily create problems later.

I get that you work in a place where you can observe parents and children in a stressful time but I don't think that applies to this 6 month old. As well, observing people through your job you make certain connections but others might make different ones, you see these people in a specific circumstance, you don't have a complete picture. That being said, I don't think it is new or wrong to suggest children take cues from their parents' behaviour but it would be wrong to blame a situation on that when you don't have the whole picture.

I don't doubt children learn from their parents but also that the child's personality plays a role. OP said when the baby begins to fuss she is taken right away. This does not prove anything. I would take my daughter at the first noise because I knew what would follow and that wasn't fair to her. I know one of my sisters could calm her but if it was my other sister there was no way she was going to stop. I did not need to demonstrate it it make my other sister feel better.

Babies can bond with people and get used to strangers while being held by someone they are comfortable with.

I may have to add or fix this. I am not sure I am being clear in what I want to say.

aglenn

My experience with DD is along the lines of what @WhoCanItBeNow is saying.  She could escalate from 0 to 3,600 in about a tenth of a second, and I could see it coming.  A lot depends on the kid and their personality.  DD is still very emotionally intense and needs different things than her brother does along those lines.  Not every kid will adapt easily.

Ardmhs83

OP, I understand that your feelings are hurt, but you have to just understand how a 6 month old works.  Maybe the MIL is a bit much, but that is something your SIL has to speak up about, not you.  

Try not to let it hurt you, the baby wants to be with someone they are comfortable with.  It is totally normal.  I was always holding, wearing or nursing my son.  He was colicky and only wanted me all the time.  My MIL and SIL got mad and said things behind my back about how I was "hogging" my son! Haha...how dare me hog my own crying baby, when I know that he's crying to nurse or be held, by ME?! My SIL doesn't have children, so she doesn't understand at all.  I know you've probably heard it before, but you will understand things a lot more when you have your own baby.  

Just try to hang out and show up a bit more to interact with the baby.  You can interact with the baby with your SIL or MIL holding her.  She will get to know you better and as she gets older, so won't always want to be held.  

Wine&Cupcakes

My main point has nothing to do with how often the baby is held. I was simply responding to OP who is hurt that she doesn't have an opportunity to bond with her niece. Obviously I wouldn't let a kid melt down if it could be prevented.

But simply responding to OP, it sounds like her MIL is just up the baby's ass regardless of circumstance and OP is frustrated. The obvious answer here is that she should speak up. That's all I was saying.

CowgirlK39

I'm over it. I've just resigned myself to waiting till she is a bit older to have my time with her. But just to give an example of how bad my MIL is, I will tell a quick story. While we were at church, during the sermon, SIL was holding DN in her arms and MIL was sitting super close, facing her and holding DNS hand. Poor SIL could barely breath because MIL was almost on top of her. We all met up later for lunch and SIL wasn't there yet. MIL asked me to text her and ask when she was going to be there because it was 20 mins after she said she was going to show up. SIL texted me back how she is so sick of constantly being badgered about when MIL can see the baby. I recall one time she tried to talk to FIL about it and he said "that woman knows way more about raising kids than you ever will so let her do what she wants." After that SIL gave up trying to correct her mother. It's getting old but you are all right, it's SILs problem and it just sucks that it pours over onto us sometimes. Meh, I'll just deal with it.

Jags8

CowgirlK39 said:

I'm over it. I've just resigned myself to waiting till she is a bit older to have my time with her. But just to give an example of how bad my MIL is, I will tell a quick story. While we were at church, during the sermon, SIL was holding DN in her arms and MIL was sitting super close, facing her and holding DNS hand. Poor SIL could barely breath because MIL was almost on top of her. We all met up later for lunch and SIL wasn't there yet. MIL asked me to text her and ask when she was going to be there because it was 20 mins after she said she was going to show up. SIL texted me back how she is so sick of constantly being badgered about when MIL can see the baby. I recall one time she tried to talk to FIL about it and he said "that woman knows way more about raising kids than you ever will so let her do what she wants." After that SIL gave up trying to correct her mother. It's getting old but you are all right, it's SILs problem and it just sucks that it pours over onto us sometimes. Meh, I'll just deal with it.

I remember you talking a few months back about that comment your FIL made! Ugh!

Meery82

CowgirlK39 said:

I'm over it. I've just resigned myself to waiting till she is a bit older to have my time with her. But just to give an example of how bad my MIL is, I will tell a quick story. While we were at church, during the sermon, SIL was holding DN in her arms and MIL was sitting super close, facing her and holding DNS hand. Poor SIL could barely breath because MIL was almost on top of her. We all met up later for lunch and SIL wasn't there yet. MIL asked me to text her and ask when she was going to be there because it was 20 mins after she said she was going to show up. SIL texted me back how she is so sick of constantly being badgered about when MIL can see the baby. I recall one time she tried to talk to FIL about it and he said "that woman knows way more about raising kids than you ever will so let her do what she wants." After that SIL gave up trying to correct her mother. It's getting old but you are all right, it's SILs problem and it just sucks that it pours over onto us sometimes. Meh, I'll just deal with it.

Wow. FIL sounds like a major dickwad.

rin89

Ugh, sounds like you have awful in-laws! I'm sorry for both you and your SIL. For what it's worth, I would be a little upset too. You're not asking for a whole lot and if DN is going into daycare or preschool she's going to have to learn to be comfortable (and receive comfort/soothing) from more than just mom/grandma. Hope things get better for you!

Cassie Harris

If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all ! Just saying 

CowgirlK39

.......da fuq?