Attachment Issues?

ElleBeeDub

I'd like to apologize upfront for the length... I'm wordy.

Do any of you have experience with your toddler suddenly having attachment issues? 

DH was out of town for two weeks, and when he came back, we noticed G was exhibiting some obvious attachment issues (meltdowns when we tried to leave him in the church nursery {which hasn't been an issue in months}, constantly asking for Dada, having trouble sleeping, etc.). It probably wouldn't have been a big deal except that DH was only home for two weeks before he left again (this round is a three week trip). 

Before DH left this time, he recorded himself reading some of G's favorite books and telling him night-night (which we've been watching nightly, and it seems to help). We've also been able to Skype some this go around (his last trip was to a tent in the middle of nowhere, so we couldn't communicate at all), which G has seemed to enjoy. That being said, G has become SUPER attached to me. As long as I'm visible, or he knows exactly where I am, he's fine. Otherwise, it's a complete catastrophe. 

I can't leave him anywhere with anyone (even people that he knows and loves). I went to a playgroup the other day, and he thought I was dropping him off because I told him to go into the room ahead of me -- drops to the floor in a panic and starts to cry. He was doing awesome at night of laying down and almost putting himself to sleep, then a few nights ago, that abruptly stopped. I am now literally having to sit in his room for an hour or more until he falls asleep or he's hysterical (I don't even have to be patting his back or doing anything special. I just have to be IN THE ROOM).

So... anyone else have experience with this? Any tips? Is this possibly related to me being pregnant and it just happened to coincide with DH's trips? I'm not really concerned long-term, but I feel like we've jumped back in time 6 months. I want my almost-overly independent kid back!

unaveragejane

Oh, I feel for you!!! DS has always been fairly clingy, but I have noticed it gets worse when DH is out of town. He'd been doing pretty well with nursery drop-offs recently, but the week that DH was gone he fell apart b/c my mom didn't come into the nursery with us for drop-off. It took me several minutes to figure out why he was flipping out, and when I finally managed to get Grandma to come in and say bye, he was okay. It doesn't seem to affect DS's sleep as much as your LO's, but it might just be that DH's trips have been farther apart. Personally I don't think the pregnancy has played into DS's separation anxiety b/c he really doesn't get what's going on in that arena, but your LO may be more aware than mine. In any case, it sounds like you are doing great things to help ease his through the anxiety. I know it can't be easy on you, though. Here's hoping that you get a break soon!

YellowLily2013

((Hugs)) DS is becoming very attached. Something with with naps, Ive been sitting on the floor and he's fine but it I leave its a melt down.

He's even being clingy if I'm not holding him while cooking dinner / folding laundry. So I've been wearing much more.

I hope your independent son makes an appearance soon and that this phase passes quickly for you!

ElleBeeDub

Oh my goodness, the clingy-ness while I'm trying to cook!! He's either literally holding my leg or asking to be held about 75% of the time I'm trying to get dinner ready. AND I just sold my carrier so that I could fund a Tula (which hasn't gotten here yet), so I don't have a way of wearing him at the moment (Of course, he's also not happy when I back-carry him in this situation. He wants to be worn on the front or hip.)

unaveragejane

Would he tolerate being in a high chair so he can see what you're doing and "help" you with some extra spoons and bowls? I've thought about trying this with DS, but so far he will run back and forth to his play kitchen as long as I keep giving him tasks or handing him containers.

ElleBeeDub

He's actually awesome at helping if I can give him specific tasks (unloading the dishwasher is a great joy in his life). I run into trouble when I'm trying to finish everything up (stir the sauce one last time, drain the pasta, chop the salad) all at once... if I'm not actively giving him something to do, he's on top of me. I've also started getting out his step stool so he can watch me chop up veggies, but that usually leads to lots of requests for all the other things on the counter...

Rrrrrachel

How old is he? Sounds like some normal separation anxiety exacerbated by the trips, to me.

unaveragejane

ElleBeeDub said:

He's actually awesome at helping if I can give him specific tasks (unloading the dishwasher is a great joy in his life). I run into trouble when I'm trying to finish everything up (stir the sauce one last time, drain the pasta, chop the salad) all at once... if I'm not actively giving him something to do, he's on top of me. I've also started getting out his step stool so he can watch me chop up veggies, but that usually leads to lots of requests for all the other things on the counter...

DS fell down on the tile floor with a ceramic mug in his hands the first time he attempting helping unload it. There were shards everywhere! The dishwasher is now a big no-no at our house. I feel like such a mean mommie b/c he's fascinated with it!

ElleBeeDub

He's 21 months. 

He went through a typical round of separation anxiety a few months ago, but he seemed to be on the other side and moving into more independence. I'm not worried at all that he's exhibiting alarming behaviour. I'm more curious if anyone has any tips on how to help us both

ElleBeeDub

unaveragejane said:

ElleBeeDub said:

He's actually awesome at helping if I can give him specific tasks (unloading the dishwasher is a great joy in his life). I run into trouble when I'm trying to finish everything up (stir the sauce one last time, drain the pasta, chop the salad) all at once... if I'm not actively giving him something to do, he's on top of me. I've also started getting out his step stool so he can watch me chop up veggies, but that usually leads to lots of requests for all the other things on the counter...

DS fell down on the tile floor with a ceramic mug in his hands the first time he attempting helping unload it. There were shards everywhere! The dishwasher is now a big no-no at our house. I feel like such a mean mommie b/c he's fascinated with it!

Oh no G thinks knives are the greatest thing ever, so I have to go super helicopter-mom on him when he helps... and DH wonders why the dishwasher so rarely gets unloaded when he's not home...

YellowLily2013

Hopefully your Tula comes in soon! And I want reviews!

I think this is general toddler advice but give him real options. For cooking dinner ask him if he wants to be back carried or in his high chair. And if he wants front carry tell him that's not an option right now but his has his "choice" of the other two.

Obviously no real life experience though...

YellowLily2013

You may be able to use the "choice" thing for the play group situation as well. "Do you want to come with mommy to do xyz?" Or do you want to go in and play, while mommy does xyz?"

Or for church, you could ask if he wants to sit still and be quiet or go to the nursery.

(But only give real options, if you wouldn't want him to sit with you don't offer it. Because if he choose that and you didn't follow through its worse than if you didn't offer in the first place.)

Into+the+Kitty

For the cooking thing, we got A some Melissa and Doug pots and pans with wooden food (or sometimes scraps of fabric). She now doesn't use them in the kitchen anymore, she is at the point of just helping or being able to watch when there are things she can't do (open the oven, drain pasta, anything on the stove etc) but those were great to keep her occupied for that type of moment. She could use her little colander or pot and stir/drain at the same time.

In situations like the 'you go into that room ahead of me,' A got wicked separation anxiety of me leaving the room, even to go to the bathroom or run something upstairs. Even saying 'Ok Mommy needs to go pee...' would send her into hysterics. It even got to the point that when I said Ok or Alright, she'd start crying because she was associating those words with me leaving. I restructured the way I would leave and phrased it as an option, like 'Do you want to come upstairs with Mommy or stay downstairs while I go to the bathroom?' It really became more of me recognizing her triggers and trying to help her feel less out of control. Giving her the sense of control over me just disappearing from her sight during the day helped a lot too when I just had to leave the house and she DIDNT have any control over it.

violajack

We just went through a round of clingy. It lasted a few weeks and effected church drop offs and bed time. I basically spent the whole night with him for a few nights and he had at least two weeks of shy/clingyness where he hid behind my leg when people he knows and loves wanted to say hi and he cried at the window when I left for work a few times. But it went away on its own. I'm sure your H being our of town isn't helping. For us, it was a few weeks phase and he's gone back to being super independant. He hasn't even cared when I've come home the past few days. Apparently, coloring with the babysitter is now more interesting than mommy coming home. 

freezorburn

DS has clingy days and phases, but it's never occurred to me that it could have something to do with DH's travel.

DH cooks most of our dinners. He tries to stock the fridge with leftovers before he travels, so in general things just need re-heating. Otherwise I can only cook when someone else is looking after DS. Or, if I'm super-organized I can manage to throw things into the crockpot while DS is having breakfast. But I've only managed that a few times.

Most recently I've been relying on TV as a crutch. All of a sudden DS wants to watch Peppa Pig All. The. Time. I think he has a crush on Peppa's cousin Chloe. I don't want TV to become a habit for us, but it's one of the safest places I can leave him while I am running up and down the stairs getting chores done.

Other than that I got nuthin'.