Have i lost my mind? (after mc)

Jmaddiso

So i'm curious...does anyone else talk non-stop about babies and getting pregnant with their friends?

We had a loss in February and just got the green light to try again. But i find myself telling everyone i know that "we have the green light to try again so we might be pregnant by then". Really! (Palm smack to the face!!) Then later, i feel like a total loon!! I'm wondering if this is a normal thing for someone who's gone through a mc or not. This is the second for me, but the last time i knew that he (my ex) and i weren't going to try again because he decided at some point that he didn't want children. So this is new to me. Being with someone who really wants kids and is excited to have them with me!

But i was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, who is due next month, and we were yackin about breast pumps and i was asking her all kinds of questions about them. Then we got to talking about nurseries. And registries. And baby names. I'm not pregnant yet! Is this completely insane? I told her about how i felt talking about it, and was hoping she didn't think i was crazy for it. She has been through a mc as well, so she understands what i've been through. I was just curious if anyone else who's been through a mc has experienced this as well?

kindershlitz

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you have the green light to try again.  Good luck to you!

I don't talk about it but I definitely think it and play on the internet that way! I also often think about future plans in a "what if I'm pregnant then" context.

CML11

When we first decided to try after going off BCP I thought about it constantly! That was back when I thought getting pregnant was as easy as my friends and society always was made out to be. I figured a month or two of trying that wham! So the planner in me was spinning with all the possible baby things things to consider. Month after month I've noticed it takes less of an emotional toll if I don't think about all the fun baby details. I'll have 9 months for that, so I keep that out of my mind as much as I can.

Karenb676

I do! My friends and coworkers know that we are TTC, but that is it. I didnt tell them about my MC in February though. For me, and I know everyone is different and I dont want to upset anyone, talking about "what ifs" and "when I have a baby," with my friends and family keeps me in a positive and excited mode.  It keeps me calm and less stressed, and my doctor and acupuncturist tells me in order to conceive I have to in a positive state.  Even though my loss was devastating, I have to keep myself excited about getting pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, it is hard, and I want to slap everyone who says relax, don't stress, dont think about it, and it will happen. I privately cry every time someone announces they are pregnant.  People don't know how frustrating this journey has been.  However, I don't want the sadness to run my life and I dont want to be a miserable person to live and work with. I feel that we have to not be stressed when TTC.  If I didn't get myself excited about what I would do when I have a baby, then I would push myself into depression and being in that place will not help me get pregnant. So, I say keep talking to your friends about what you would do and buy when you have a baby.  Stay thinking positively and stay excited about what WILL happen, because hopefully all of that positivity will relax you and lead you in the right direction.  These pep talks I have with myself, gets me through the tears and frustration.  I am so sorry for your loss and I am sending best wishes for you for a pregnancy in your near future!   

Jmaddiso

Thanks for the advice y'all! I see both sides to the coin. On the one hand...and on the other...

@Kindershlitz ~ Now you know why i am on this board!!


@CML11 ~ I think about that too. The "What if i'm not" , or the "What if it happens again (mc)". I'm a worrier by nature. I just can't help it. I hate it, but it is what it is. Back when we were trying, but not trying, if you know what i mean, each month i'd be disappointed when i got that BFN. A couple times i cried. So i do worry about how this will affect me if i get a BFN in a few weeks. It could be very messy for me. Ugh.

@Karenb676 ~ You are a stronger woman than i!! I don't know how you managed to keep that quiet and not tell anyone. Not that i blabbed on FB about it or anything, but i have since explained the month when i was depressed and not myself to a good many people. They were concerned so i decided to just come out with it. I did post things on FB about how i was feeling, and how the news at the docs office wasn't what we hoped. I'm a bit of an open book, so while we didn't tell but 6 people we were pregnant to begin with, i have since told a lot of people that we were. I'm so sorry you had to go through that!! And i want to slap those people for you!! OMG! People say such rude things when a woman is pregnant or if they are trying to be!! I just don't understand.

My biggest issue was with my ex-best friend. She doesn't have children, nor is she dating anyone. Just happy to be single. But i didn't tell her we were pg, so when we mc she asked me if everything was ok via text. I told her what had happened. She seemed supportive (which we have had issues with in the past, and we had a big fight (unbeknownst to me) but we were working on the friendship again), and offered condolences. Her 30th bday was 2 weeks away. The day before the party (that was the entire weekend mind you) started, she texted me and asked if i was going to be there. There had been no other texts or even a phone call since i told her our news 2 weeks prior. I told her i was going to try to meet her for a drink, but i was really struggling and it was hard to get out of bed and shower every couple days. I was depressed. She didn't even have the courtesy to text a letter "K" back. NOTHING!! She finally texted a "hey, was thinkin about you..." blah, blah blah a few weeks later. Which i ignored and we haven't spoken. I just feel that after everything, and all the times I've needed her to be there, and she wasn't, that was the last straw!! Then the other thing i experienced was my dental assistant who asked if i had other kids (after i told her about the mc...i don't know why i told her that! It fell out of my mouth before i realized), and i said i had a 15 year old son. She said to me, "Oh, well it's not like you don't have ANY kids!" WHAT?! Omg!! I could have slapped her!! I just looked at her and said, "No. But a loss is still a loss". She knew she had pissed me off! Rude much?! Anyway....

I can understand the positivity! It helps!! My doc told me that they have discovered that as soon as you are mentally able to try again, the sooner the better. Did your doc tell you that? I'm just curious. My apologies if that's prying. Just comparing notes. The waiting is what kills me!! The horrible waiting! Waiting to pee on a stick. Waiting to see if it's positive. Waiting to try again if it's not. Waiting to tell people if it is. Waiting the 9 months. Sheesh! Patience isn't my thing. Lol!

Karenb676

OMG @jmaddiso, this is why I was glad to find this board because I was hoping to find other women who are just like me!  I completely feel like you do. I am NOT patient either!!! The waiting STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I am also a HUGE planner and I always have to be in control of things, and I can't be in control of this.  It is driving me crazy!!!!!!!   My doctor told me that we could start trying again immediately, which to me is easier said then done.  Before the MC and after 7 months of trying and getting to know my body, and tracking my cycle on an app on my phone,  I knew exactly when I was ovulating.  I knew in February immediately that I was pregnant. I was so relieved that I finally got it to work. Then the MC happened.  It didn't stick.  I felt defeated.   So when my dr said start trying now, I felt like I had a blank slate because I didn't know when I would ovulate, which days should we start trying?  The wait began.......  You are right though.....after you have ovulated and tried, then you have to WAIT to take the test, wait for the results, wait to see if it will stick, wait, wait, wait. I don't do well either.  But.......my DH has truly been a DH.  He has been getting me to calm down, and is making me think differently.  I do always try to see the positive side of things so if you ever need a positive pick up let me know!   You know I think what is also helping me is that over the past 2 years I have known many women who had MC's (one of my sister's included) and the next time they tried, they had a successful pregnancy.  So that is keeping me going as well.  

  

  I am so sorry to hear about your BFF.  You really do need her right now more than ever.  I was lucky enough to have my BFF with me the weekend I miscarried. My husband had to work so she came over, kept me company, and gave me wine to calm me down.  It is a shame that yours can't be there for you.  Now maybe since she is single, maybe she just doesn't know how to relate to you and doesn't know what to say?  I didn't get married until this past Sept at the age of 37 and for years I was always the single girl while my friends were getting married and having kids.  Although I would have been there for my friends, I would have felt a little awkward because I wouldn't know what they were going through, and how they feel.  It does seems selfish of her to have expected you to go out and party with her after you had a MC, but maybe she just doesn't understand how a person who is depressed feels? Or maybe that was her way of trying to get you out of the house to have some fun to take your mind off of things?   It is a shame that she doesn't realize that you need her to help you cheer up and start feeling happy again.  She should have offered to come over and visit you.  You need her to be a shoulder to cry on.  Maybe instead of texting one another you can actually call and talk to her or have her come over so you can talk in person. Go out and meet her for dinner, drinks, or lunch.  You probably need to get out so you can start moving on and trying again!!!!!!!!!  If she isn't receptive then hopefully you have another friend you can lean on?

   Oh my gosh I want to meet that Dental Assistant and SLAP HER!!!! How could you say that to a person? That is a terrible thing to say to a women who has just lost a child.  Wow, some people are really unsympathetic.  

     It will happen for you.  This is the elementary school teacher coming out in me, I think I Can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can, start saying that to yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!   Enjoy talking about the future with baby!  Breathe and relax :-)  

Jmaddiso

@Karenb676 YES!!! I totally agree! Sounds like you and i are quite similar in many ways and with this journey.

Omg the apps! Oh lordy, the apps! I had (i've since deleted a few of them) seven apps to help us conceive. SEVEN!! And now that we've had a first cycle after mc, i don't know what to expect anymore. It took me a while to get to know what it was that i was feeling. Like i can feel when i ovulate. Sounds like it would be a good thing right? Umm, no. Not so much. What that really means is that i cramp twice a month. And it's not short like the day of ovulation. I don't know why. Ugh. Like today is day 4 after ovulation (i think)...i'm still cramping slightly, uncomfortable, bloated...it feels like it did when i was pg. I just don't know why, or what is happening in there because i have to WAIT!!! UGH THE WAITINGGGGGG!!!!! lol!!

My SO is the same way. He's awesome! SO...we met a couple years ago and we've had some job ups and downs so we can't afford the wedding yet, know we want it, but we want kids more than a wedding, and it's 2014. Unmarried couples have babies all the time. Plus if we wait until after the wedding, i may not be able to have kids by then. I'm diabetic. So my window is a lot shorter than the average woman. So we decided to take the baby plunge first!

I have a few friends, one inparticular who mc then got pregnant right away and just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl a few weeks ago! Omg! This child!!! She is SO gorgeous!! A full head of blonde hair too! She's precious!! So she gives me hope!!

As far as the bff goes, i think it's just time to call it quits. It's been like this for the last 3 years. I put in effort, she takes it. I help her out, she's not there for me. We can't have an adult convo about anything. All conversations revolve around her, what bar she was at the night before and what drunk guy hit on her. She says she is a selfish person, but i never really saw it until now. I think we've just grown apart. I know she can't relate, since our lives are SOOOO different now, but she could at least try to just be there for me. Call me. Like you said! Ugh. But then i think about when we have kids, if i want them to know her....sadly i don't. She's not a woman i want around my children. Thankfully i have a lot of other awesome people in my life who have been there for me when i needed it most, and who are good people who i want my children around. So that's the plus side!!

Which reminds me...i'm a total Polyanna!! ALWAYS finding a silver lining. It can take me a while sometimes. But i tend to always put a positive spin on things too!!

Hahaha!! The dental assistant is YOUNG! My guess is 21 at most. NOT that i am defending her in ANY way!! The people who respond like that, or don't know how to respond, i just think...i hope they never have to know what it's like to mc. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! But i just don't understand NOT responding. SAY something! ANYTHING!! Sounds coming out of their mouths that form words!!! Le sigh. I guess i just wasn't raised like that.

Lol! You sound like an elementary school teacher! What grade do you teach?! I have several friends who are teachers. One teaches kindergarten, another 4th grade, a middle school teacher (yikes!) and another teaches college. It's so funny, because even in emails or FB, you can tell what level they teach at!! Lol!!

It will happen for BOTH of us!!! I can feel it! Oh! I have a link for you!! Here...it's eating for pg! I did it this month! I'm still eating the pineapple and soups though. Because...well...thick and a warm uterus is a good thing!

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12938/10-food-rules-to-live-by-if-youre-trying-to-get-pregnant.html