Intro: Harrison David 33 weeks

CopperPoppy

I was a May 14 mom but ended up becoming a April 14 mom on 4/6. Our first son was born at 33 weeks and 2 days at 3 lbs 11oz. This was after an 11 day stay in ante partum on hospital bed rest due to complications with pre-e/HELLP. On that eleventh day I had horrible epigastric pain and higher bp that wasn't maintained by my two bp meds. So I had a c section.

Fortunately both little guy and I have recovered pretty well. I'm a week pp and my doc confirmed today that I healed quickly. Baby boy is in the NICU but didn't need any respiratory assistance at birth or since. He's tube fed and not really picking up the bottle or breast feeds.

Overall, things could be worse. A lot worse. But it still doesn't change that emotionally I'm really struggling. I feel so cheated out of my last trimester. I feel jealous that other women get to attend their baby showers all round and pregnant. I loved being pregnant and protecting my boy but now it's gone and I'm home with no baby here to show for it. I feel like I failed at the most important job I've ever had. I'm exhausted from balancing pumping, driving back and forth to the hospital and trying to finish nesting. DH is an incurable optimist and just doesn't understand what I'm going through. It's both the happiest and saddest I've been about the same thing.

My shower is this Saturday and while I'm happy and grateful that I'll still be having one and able to go, I'm upset. I'm sad that I'm not going to be that plump pregnant girl. And seriously, finding a dress that makes to feel remotely pretty when you are 2 weeks pp...yea right! Way to add insult to injury. I guess that's what prompted this whole terrible day. I tried on so many dresses and just wanted to break down in every dressing room.

I am done ranting now. I appreciate that this forum is here. There are some really touching stories and I hope that this is a distant memory soon.

KTZ17

Welcome and congratulations on the birth of your son! I'm sorry you have to join us, though. I was also on hospital bed rest for high BP and after a week my liver enzymes became elevated (it turned into HELLP) so my DD was delivered by csection at 31 weeks 3 days. She was also 3lbs 11oz! Lots of similarities. We actually canceled my shower because I was planning on being on bed rest till at least 34 weeks. Then once she was born I couldn't face it without the pregnant belly. I can completely relate to how you're feeling. I'm sorry you can't find anything to wear. That must be so frustrating. I hope that your shower brightens your day, though. Sometimes I wish I hadn't canceled it. I feel like no one congratulated us on DD's birth because she was early. That's fantastic that your DS isn't on any breathing support! As for his feedings, the bottle and breast feeding will click for him, probably the bottle first. Are you able to do kangaroo care with him? That will help him start rooting and he'll develop an interest in the breast. It's all so overwhelming in the beginning, but you'll get into a routine and before you know it he'll be ready to come home and he'll be all yours forever. This will just be a little hiccup and another way that your baby is special. Hugs! You'll get through this!

Bluebird2318

Congratulations on your son! My DD was born at 29 weeks due to pre-e/HELLP and I felt a lot of the same emotions as you are describing. It may take awhile even after he comes home, but it does get better over time. I find myself completely at peace with it these days, but I definitely remember the journey. You will find a lot of support here! I hope that your shower surprises you and brings you a lot of joy and comfort.

CopperPoppy

@KTZ17‌, wow! Crazy similarities! Yea I really hate that we have those things in common and are part of this "club" but it totally helps to know others have gone through this.

I have a great BMB and have formed some real friendships there but now it's getting hard to deal with so many full term due dates coming up and watching those babes go home.

Our next for neighbor was also pregnant and he in early April. She ended up full term and delivering 23 hours before me but he is home with them and I am carting back and forth to the hospital and hearing their baby cry at night (we have very thin walls).

I think I am looking forward to the shower. It was just hard because my mom and I returned the maternity dress she bought me for Christmas that I planned on wearing. I think I found another dress but it's not the same. Thanks for the support.

ziggy903

((Hugs))
I was in the hospital for 14 days before delivering at 32+2. We had my shower scheduled hut cancelled it. I, too, felt really left out because I didn't get my third trimester. Girls on my month board would complain about being still pregnant and how uncomfortable they are, and I was just sitting here thinking... Don't you know how badly I would love to be huge and uncomfortable right now?
It'll start to get better with time. In the meantime, enjoy your shower and the time you do have with your son right now. We're here for you when you need us.

Pips09

Congrats on your baby!

CopperPoppy

I cried and cried that I wouldn't get the shower. Not for the gifts. If it were up to me I would have bought everything I needed and wanted months ago. More so for the rite of passage. It's going to be hard but I really wanna push through it so I don't regret not ever having one.

And I totally agree on the needed to take a step back from my BMB. I love them but it's just too hard some days to hear the "I'm as big as a house" stuff. So I'll probably hang out here for a little while.

And thanks @Pips09‌, so simple but it's helps to just hear that sometimes.

KTZ17

Yeah, taking a break from your BMB might be a good idea for a bit. I couldn't handle reading all the birth stories and seeing the photos of the babies in the hospital room. But in a few months it'll be good to commiserate when your DS is home and you're up for middle of the night feedings or when they're hitting milestones. Right now though, it's hard to relate. Feel free to vent here anytime! I love this board.

ashleymarie512

Congratulations! I had my LO at 29-6 she to pre-e/HELLP also. She was 2lb 3oz and 14.5" long. She's 8.5 mos now and doing fabulous--it's amazing how strong these babes are!

I was also depressed about having my shower while not pregnant, but we ended up making a slideshow of the pictures I had of LO and played it during the shower, so even though she wasn't in my belly, she was still "there". It was a cool little addition that made it special and different than most.

Have fun!

xladybassx

Being in the hospital before delivery is the worst! I was in antepartum on bed rest for a month due to absent cord flow and pre-e before an emergency c-section at 27+6 weeks. Laying there every day thinking about how I knew my girls would be preemie, not knowing when they would be born but knowing it would be complicated, was so horrible. I didn't end up having a shower until a month after they came home, and it was definitely weird. I'm glad I did it because it was nice to see family and friends, but it was still a bit weird for me. I completely understand what you mean about feeling "cheated" out of a third tri. I absolutely feel jealous when I see obviously pregnant women. Ours was an IVF pregnancy, and I know it is unlikely we will have any other children so I feel particularly bummed about missing out on so much.

My girls are 5 months old now and while it is better, it is definitely not "all" better. Honestly I don't think it ever will be "all" better, but I hope with time it will be easier to deal with.

I agree with pp's suggestion to take a break from your BMB. There is no need to make things harder on yourself! Right now you just need to focus on you and your LO. Hang in there mama!

deebs620

I CThose feelings of being cheated out of the third trimester and hearing about full term babies...it just killed me. I remember going to the hospital everyday to be with DS and having to see the moms being wheeled down to discharge with their baby in tow. Not a good feeling. Don't know what to say to help just hugs and know you aren't alone in the way you feel!