AP, Working, & Childcare

pixieprincss

I am teaching an attachment parenting class and one of our topics coming up is on childcare. If you are a two-income family, I'd love to know what is and isn't working for you in terms of childcare.

For me: For me, we utilize a blend of grandparent care, working opposite hours so hubby or I are home with the kids, bringing the kids with me to work, and consistent babysitters at our home or at my work. The challenge is finding people to babysit consistently during daytime hours. We don't need someone for as many hours as a nanny, so we're not anyone's "real" job. Finding people who are open to positive discipline has been a mixed bag, too. As far as the opposing hours thing, it means that we have to protect our time as a whole family very carefully. Things like personal extra-curricular on weekends just are not a fit, so that can feel a bit socially restricting at times.

aglenn

We use a high-quality, NAYEC-accredited center.  They use only positive discipline and the environment has been fantastic for both kids.  I have been very happy with our choice, and knowing that the center is open during predictable hours almost every working day is a huge stress relief.

We very rarely hire babysitters outside of working hours.  I know some people think that is crazy; for me it is in large part due to the fact that I am still tired from working FT and having 2 high-energy young kids, so I'd rather sit around in my PJs and have a glass of wine at home with DH than get dressed up and go out.  I'm sure that will change some day.

blu-eyedwife

We started sending my son to a center when he was just about 5 months old.  I consider us extremely lucky in that the center follows many of the same ideas and ideas that we do which I know isn't always the case.

Our center has a "no crying" rule - so infants are never left to cry in the cribs, on the floor etc.  This mostly comes into play at nap time.  They're not allowed to let the babies cry in the crib, so they do what ever it takes to get the baby to nap.  If that means rocking, they rock.  In our case, my son slept while being held for the first few months he was there.

They practiced positive discipline and didn't really use the word no - it was all about redirection/distraction. 

They were open to my BLW, even though it wasn't anything they were familiar with.

As he got older, they introduced concepts in age-appropriate ways, like teaching some Spanish and practicing yoga.  Reading books, painting, drawing, and other crafts were part of the daily curriculum.  And in dealing with biting and hitting they'd read stories like "hands are for hugging." 

I really liked the atmosphere and policies of my daycare, and felt like they worked with us - not against us.  I loved that they had frequent "parent teacher" conferences so we could discuss development, areas he was excelling and areas where maybe we could help out more (like with finger walking at 11 months).  I like the small class sizes which gave them lots of opportunity to interact one on one, and the ability for him to grow and develop with his classmates (some of his best friends now are the same kids he's been in school with since he was 5 months, so over 2 years!)  I did not like the price - it was very expensive, which is probably due to the small sizes and atmosphere, and the COL where I am.

ncbelle

We've done the alternating work schedules thing (although I've only been working full time since last Aug.).  I'm also REALLY lucky to have a very flexible schedule (I'm a professor).

The downside has been less time where we are all home and it's harder to find a day (or evening even!) where we can do stuff as a family or couple.

vvvvvfee

DH and i both work f/t and DS is in full-time daycare. it is an in-home daycare, but the DCP has 4 staff, so they have about 20 kids. they do positive discipline and redirection/distraction. they do a lot of crafts/painting, which is nice. they also spend a lot of time outside when the weather is good.

my issues: i wish he were in a smaller in-home (he actually was before, but-- long story-- she had to close) so he got a little more personalized attention. all the kids are under 3, so it's kind of chaotic. he has also been sick constantly this winter, which is a real bummer. it's hard cobbling together backup care because he's been out sick so much (and we've been sick a lot, too), but we alternate between myself, DH, and my mother taking days off.

i think the ideal for me would be to work p/t maybe 2 days a week and have my mother watch DS. but we live in a HCOLA and DH has student loans, so we need both of our incomes right now. my mother is not old enough to retire, but will be in a few years. we're hoping she'll be able to help out more with childcare, particularly if we have a 2nd kid.

i wish there were more support in the u.s. for families- longer maternity leave, universal preschool, *something.* it's really pretty shitty for a developed country.

aglenn

Yeah, a big challenge that I can't believe I forgot to mention in my post above is the COST.  Good quality day care is crazy expensive and, while we are fortunate to be able to (barely) afford it, it really bothers me that it's so far out of line with what an avearge family earns.  The lack of support for families with young children in the US is really a huge social issue.

mb314

DS has been at a larger in home daycare since he was 4 months old.  There are about 15 to 20 kids there, and 3 to 4 adults, depending upon the time of day.  I liked the in home atmosphere, and even though DS as a baby wasn't held as much as I would have held him at home, he was well cared for and is loved there. It is home-like and family-run, but with the advantage of having more kids. Now that he's older, I like the socialization that the daycare provides.  I like that they mix ages because he is around both babies and older toddler/preschoolers.  That has been good for him.

What I find hardest is that on weekends, I need to balance doing housework, laundry, yard work, etc, with spending time with DS.  When he was a baby, I could wear him and do dishes, fold laundry, etc, but that doesn't work as well when he's a toddler.  There is only so much I can do during his nap time.  DH travels a lot, so sometimes I am the only parent in town on the weekends. 

When we get sitters, it is usually for after DS goes to bed.  So I'll put DS to bed, the babysitter will come, and DH and I go out.  On good nights, DS sleeps the entire time we're gone, and he never knows that we're gone.  He's a terrible sleeper, so sometimes he wakes and the sitter will rock him back to sleep and he is fine with it. 

Despite the fact that it is hectic to work full time with a toddler (and a baby on the way), I am really happy working.  It is important to me to have a career outside the home, and I like what I do.

ReeceFamily

aglenn said:

Yeah, a big challenge that I can't believe I forgot to mention in my post above is the COST.  Good quality day care is crazy expensive and, while we are fortunate to be able to (barely) afford it, it really bothers me that it's so far out of line with what an avearge family earns.  The lack of support for families with young children in the US is really a huge social issue.

This.  We are a 2-income family and have DD enrolled at a traditional but very high-quality private daycare (Merryhill School.)  Prior to this we had her at a daycare that got good reviews, but I was extremely unhappy with the "clinical" feel of the infant room.  This daycare is a world of difference.  It is warm and homey, and DD is very bonded to her daycare teachers.  But, OH, the cost.  We pay about $1300/month.  It's very painful, particularly because I'm an older mom (45 yo) and am trying to simultaneously save for her education AND my retirement AND pay for daycare.  This (and my age, too, but mostly the financing) is the reason we will only have one child.

Emerald27

This is serious déjà vu...but someone recently posted the same question on my BWI Facebook group. Lol, I wonder if it could have been you! :P

pixieprincss

Emerald27 said:

This is serious déjà vu...but someone recently posted the same question on my BWI Facebook group. Lol, I wonder if it could have been you! :P

Thanks, everyone!

Emerald27

I forgot to give my answer too!

I worked from when DS was 3-8 months old. DH was job-searching at the time, and a MA student, so my answer may not apply perfectly. We only needed childcare 2-3 days per week while DH was at school, but I worked/commuted 10 hours a day.

What we found worked very consistently with our AP philosophy was a sweet old lady from our church (not very old...retired, so 50s or 60s) who LOVED babies and couldn't think if a happier way to spend her day than snuggling a baby. She came to our home so that DS could be in his environment, was very respectful of our wishes that he never be left to CIO, and she was receptive to information about bottle feeding breastfed infants. She literally just loved DS all day on the days she was with him.

I did not have an easy time transitioning back to work (cried every.single.day), and so as soon as DH found a job, I left. I am a very happy and fulfilled SAHM, and I have a lot of respect for the mamas who sacrifice staying home with their babies to provide for them by working away from home.

youenjoymyself

My husband and I both work full time, and my daughter has been in (formal) daycare since she was 3 months old.  It's a wonderful facility.  Until she was 9 months old, I was able to go hang out with her/nurse her every day on my lunch break.  The facility was super supportive of this.  I eventually had to stop going because it was getting tough on her for me to leave.  Since we are away from her during the week, we cherish every single second of family time in the evenings and on the weekends.  We've never left her with a babysitter (she's 13 months old).  We bedshare to maintain closeness.  I have no plans to wean her until she's ready. 

yeah.

For me, it was finding a daycare center that I loved and felt comfortable with. Simple as that.

FTR I would be turned off from a class if the instructor implied that my choice for childcare was inferior bc it wasn't family or opposite schedules. not that you said that, but it can come off that way sometimes.

sugarbear0524

ReeceFamily said:

aglenn said:

Yeah, a big challenge that I can't believe I forgot to mention in my post above is the COST.  Good quality day care is crazy expensive and, while we are fortunate to be able to (barely) afford it, it really bothers me that it's so far out of line with what an avearge family earns.  The lack of support for families with young children in the US is really a huge social issue.

This.  We are a 2-income family and have DD enrolled at a traditional but very high-quality private daycare (Merryhill School.)  Prior to this we had her at a daycare that got good reviews, but I was extremely unhappy with the "clinical" feel of the infant room.  This daycare is a world of difference.  It is warm and homey, and DD is very bonded to her daycare teachers.  But, OH, the cost.  We pay about $1300/month.  It's very painful, particularly because I'm an older mom (45 yo) and am trying to simultaneously save for her education AND my retirement AND pay for daycare.  This (and my age, too, but mostly the financing) is the reason we will only have one child.

Your life mirrors mine. I am 43 and will only have one child. We are trying to save, save, save...college and retirement for DH will hit around the same time. But we are investing in DS (age 2) going to a great preschool (Primrose) and paying the price.

Mama2be12345

I work 3 days a week and LO is watched by my mother. Originally I worked Sunday - Tuesday (I work at a hospital so weird schedule) and DH would watch her Sunday. I switched off Sunday so we could have family time on the weekends. LO is 7 months now and in the fall, when she turns one we will be looking into daycare options. My mom is busy and will probably cut down to one day a week with LO at that point. I'm already nervous about finding Childcare but reading everyone's comments about great centers makes me feel better!

ReeceFamily

@sugarbear0524 - just waving "hi".  It's nice to know there is another mom out there in my shoes .

sugarbear0524

Hi Reece! Just remember, preschool (and its tuition payments) don't last forever!

Aliki

My husband and I both work full-time and we were fortunate enough to find a childcare center that was in line with our beliefs. The childcare center accepts a maximum of 5 infants only and a total of 15 children per day, they only use "green organic" cleaning products, organic snacks, positive discipline, and the children build a butterfly farm, flower garden, and participate in the National Park Junior Ranger program. In fact, I think it's the only childcare in the United States located within a National Park, so it's pretty awesome and "crunchy". When my DD enrolled at 6 months, she cried when I dropped her off, and they actually had a teacher hold her in her arms the entire day!! It was simply so amazing the kind of love they showed for the children.

opheliainwaders

We looked into daycare, but due to overcrowding, didn't get a spot in either of our top two choices. We got into a big "corporate" center...for $2300/month! It didn't really feel like the right vibe to me, and the cost was prohibitive.

Instead, we found another family who has a daughter 8 weeks older than DD, and we share a nanny with them. She watches the girls together, they go all over the neighborhood and hang out at a few different friends' apartments, and overall it's MUCH more relaxed and tailored to what they need. Having a private arrangement also made breastfeeding MUCH easier, because i set my own rules for milk handling and storage, and didn't have to worry about it being thrown away. When I meet our nanny at the subway every morning, DD is so happy to see her, which makes leaving her just a little easier.

SunflowersBride

My DH and I both work full-time at the moment, and I am incredibly fortunate to have my mom watching DS during the week at our house. She is a nurse and works on the weekends so that she is available to do this for us. She is also very pro-breastfeeding and takes DS over to my office once a day for me to nurse him. She was pretty "crunchy" with me as a baby, so we basically have the same parenting philosophies, and it makes things so much easier to have someone that I feel comfortable leaving DS with and knowing she will care for him the way I want her to. 

musicalmama5

DH works evenings (musician) and stays home with DS during the day, while I work at our business. But I only work in 3-4 hours chunks, so I'm never away from DS for that long. This was especially important when he was younger and more reliant on breastfeeding. 

For the few hours a week where DH and I both have to be away, we either have my brother or MIL watch DS. We are so so so lucky to have them close by, and I can't imagine how much harder it would be without them. In fact, my brother will be graduating college in December so we won't have him at our disposal anymore and I am already worrying about it! 

I also have a few friends that are on call as babysitters if need be. I like to have the same people watch DS as much as possible, so that I don't have to constantly be explaining the routine and whatnot. 

yeah.

amy052006 said:

For me, it was finding a daycare center that I loved and felt comfortable with. Simple as that.

FTR I would be turned off from a class if the instructor implied that my choice for childcare was inferior bc it wasn't family or opposite schedules. not that you said that, but it can come off that way sometimes.

Ditto this 100 times over. If an instructor's suggestion was "bring your kids" to work or "work opposite shifts" I would think they were dillusional. Besides the fact it is completely unrealistic for most career paths, none of that = balance. People extoll the virtues of opposite shifts, but from the outside looking in it really does seem unhealthy and without balanced time for individuals and the couple. I would ten times rather have an established, consistent childcare provider who agreed with my parenting philosophy and then have my nights and weekends to thrive as a family, couple and friend. That's a recipe for resentment and burn out.

ITA. Opposite shifts SOUNDS like a good plan, until you never get any time with your partner. That, to me, is not acceptable, since our relationship is as important (more important?) than the ones we have with our kids.