Touchy Subject

hopefulmom81

Okay, this is going to be EXTREMELY touchy.  If I am way off base here, please feel free to flame me/correct me/put me in my place.

I have been stewing about the TTC posts on this board.  What I am concerned about, is there are some women who are OAD Not By Choice on here, and I am concerned that it might be hurtful to them to hear about people making the choice to expand their families.

This might be their only "safe haven" from people having more children and fertility talk so-to-speak.  

If I were OAD not by choice, I would assume the talk on OAD is about being OAD and the benefits/negatives and some discussion around making decisions, but I just want to caution people that your happy news might upset some people.

I am really touchy about it coming from the loss boards, so again, if I am off-base here, please call me on it.  

I get that this is life, and that people will hop off of this board, I am simply saying that we should keep those in mind that might be here from different circumstances.  That is all.  For the regulars, we WANT to know your thoughts and feelings and how you are doing, but this is a OAD board after all.

(@JackofTheBox, I know you, and that you are going to think this is 100% directed at you and it is not, it is about the potential for what could happen in the future with newbies not understanding that you are a beloved part of this board and the one who really got this board talking in the first place).

I am just asking people to keep that in their minds as they make posts in the future.  That is all.

hopefulmom81

KatieB19

Hmmm.

Ok, while I get where you are coming from, there are also a great number of members who are on the fence. They haven't decided whether to have another or not, and I think this is their safe haven as well to weigh the pros and cons of having another. Obviously, the slant here is towards sticking with one. That is a perspective that is no often found on other boards. But the mentality here is that, have one, have two, have 10 -- you have to decide what is right for YOUR family. But here, we are going to be pretty vocal about how awesome OAD is.

I haven't noticed many post about actually TTC. There have been a few about jumping ship and making the decision to try, but so what? I think it's good that the other fence sitters can see what drove their decision to ultimately try for another.

I do understand what you are getting at re: not having the choice to try again and feeling like such posts are insensitive. But I think you missing the point of having so many who are truly undecided and are working things out. I would hope we don't begrudge them the opportunity to share in their thought process and decision because it doesn't fit the title of the board.

Helenahhandbasket

I guess I can see where somone might be hurt by the TTC posts-- esp if you had a lot of trouble TTC/ with your pregnancy/ and or have a high needs child and just want some place to hang out and not be triggered.

I am OAD, but I am not sure if I should classify myself as "by choice", but rather by circumstance. 

Long story short-- I didn't have trouble TTC (had two early losses, but I am assuming they were bad luck rather than a medical issue/ problem.)  My marriage is really rocky right now and we are having a lot of finacial troubles, so that's really why we are OAD.  If neither of those things were in play I would be strongly considering another one. 

So the TTC talk doesn't bother me, personally, other than I feel a little bit jealous of ladies that are in a better position than me financially and/ or relationship wise.  But that would happen on any board, I guess, and that's for me to deal with.

That being said-- I don't feel like there is excessive talk of TTC.  But maybe since this is a OAD board, even one post might be excessive to someone.

IDK-- this is a hard question!

 

 

 

JackoftheBox

I 100% agree with you! Everyone is on this board with the thoughts of OAD and looking for support and guidance in their decision. I can only imagine the struggles of someone who is OAD not by choice. That is tough to work through. 

Are their other TTC posts that i am unaware of? Could we possibly post a weekly thread for fence sitters? Then all of the conversation about that would be there rather in multiple posts? 

When i came to this board we were strictly OAD, and then a became fence sitter, and to my knowledge i am the only one TTC. I love that this board got going (it took a lot of persuading lol to get you ladies out here and to establish regulars!!!). I wouldn't want anything to wreck what has been accomplished with this board.

hopefulmom81

KatieB19 said:

Hmmm.

Ok, while I get where you are coming from, there are also a great number of members who are on the fence. They haven't decided whether to have another or not, and I think this is their safe haven as well to weigh the pros and cons of having another. Obviously, the slant here is towards sticking with one. That is a perspective that is no often found on other boards. But the mentality here is that, have one, have two, have 10 -- you have to decide what is right for YOUR family. But here, we are going to be pretty vocal about how awesome OAD is.

I haven't noticed many post about actually TTC. There have been a few about jumping ship and making the decision to try, but so what? I think it's good that the other fence sitters can see what drove their decision to ultimately try for another.

I do understand what you are getting at re: not having the choice to try again and feeling like such posts are insensitive. But I think you missing the point of having so many who are truly undecided and are working things out. I would hope we don't begrudge them the opportunity to share in their thought process and decision because it doesn't fit the title of the board.

I see what you are saying, but I think I pretty clearly stated that we want to hear where regulars are at with their thought process.

This post is solely about the future wave of TTC posts that I foresee happening and just asking people to be thoughtful.

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

I 100% agree with you! Everyone is on this board with the thoughts of OAD and looking for support and guidance in their decision. I can only imagine the struggles of someone who is OAD not by choice. That is tough to work through. 

Are their other TTC posts that i am unaware of? Could we possibly post a weekly thread for fence sitters? Then all of the conversation about that would be there rather in multiple posts? 

When i came to this board we were strictly OAD, and then a became fence sitter, and to my knowledge i am the only one TTC. I love that this board got going (it took a lot of persuading lol to get you ladies out here and to establish regulars!!!). I wouldn't want anything to wreck what has been accomplished with this board.

I think this is a FANTASTIC idea, JOTB.  That way there aren't several "Jumping Ship" posts, just updates on one. 

Then, those of us who want to be in the loop, can lurk LOL!

I really am just trying to speak for women who might not want to see it and won't speak out.  Maybe I should keep my mouth shut sometimes.

eyenigh

I am one and done completely by choice and, at the risk of sounding like a dick, I just don't read any of the posts that directly relate to possibly having more babies (at least based on the subject lines)-- I don't find them offensive, I'm just so far removed from having more babies that I have nothing to contribute.

I like the idea of a weekly fencesitters/TTC post to be mindful of those who may be sensitive. Or those who are fencesitting or TTC could remember to put "FS/TTC" in the subject lines of the posts that have that type of info in them and people could just avoid those.

I'm not offended by anything but understand that some people could be sensitive if this is a difficult thing for them.

JackoftheBox

Great! I'm glad this eases things. I would be willing to TRY to remember to start the weekly thread on Monday. If i forget though any fence sitter is welcome to do so. How about we call it... TTC/FS updates? 

Edit words 

Chapter79

No, I completely get you.  There are definitely some here who are OAD because they have no choice- for various reasons. And it's possible they would have more if they could.  I can see how a bunch of TTC posts could hurt feelings, since this is likely their safe haven where TTC wouldn't normally be spoken of.

When you're on an OAD board, it's also likely the majority doesn't want to necessarily hear about it all the time (NOT speaking of ANYONE in particular- I promise, I just mean in general) because many of us are beyond that point.  I CAN'T have another, so I'm definitely WELL beyond the TTC stage and have been for a good 6 years now.   TTC is spoken about/of on all the other boards I post on... so this has always kinda been my spot where it hasn't been, and the topics of discussion go beyond it (which I have always valued).

So I understand your point

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

Great! I'm glad this eases things. I would be willing to TRY to remember to start the weekly thread on Monday. If i forget though any fence sitter is welcome to do so. How about we call it... TTC/FS updates? 

Edit words 

I think Weekly TTC check in would be best, because I think true fence sitting belongs on the main board.

Chapter79

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

Great! I'm glad this eases things. I would be willing to TRY to remember to start the weekly thread on Monday. If i forget though any fence sitter is welcome to do so. How about we call it... TTC/FS updates? 

Edit words 

I think Weekly TTC check in would be best, because I think true fence sitting belongs on the main board.

Agreed. Fence sitters and TTC posts are two very different things IMO.  We have lots of fence sitters, I wouldn't assume they would bother ANYONE here. Those are normal feelings and a spot that MANY are in.   I think a TTC thread for actual TTC'ers who stick around is a great idea.

JackoftheBox

LOL ok, so i will do a thread talking about myself... until any fence sitters choose to join me! I promise to keep in short and only in that thread. Umm don't be surprised if i don't post it much. 

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

LOL ok, so i will do a thread talking about myself... until any fence sitters choose to join me! I promise to keep in short and only in that thread. Umm don't be surprised if i don't post it much. 

HAHAHA!!!  For some reason, I thought there were 2-3 more people?

hopefulmom81

lildis09 said:

I think where there are quite a few fence sitters, this is going to happen. The dynamic of this board is such that oad is the default, not some "weird" "taboo" thing like it is on many other boards. Here fence sitters can get a better feel for what things would be like with just 1, whereas other boards would push them to have another. I'd like to hear what those who are oad not by choice have to say. But, this is also a forum where you don't have to open a discussion if you do not want to. (Unlike groups on Facebook for example)

I 100% understand all of this.

I guess what is a little dicey is for those of us that aren't on the fence, then we become more of a thing to observe to help everyone else make their decision and then watch everyone move on to other boards?  

For me, it just kind of starts to feel a little bit like real life where OAD again becomes the minority and we watch everyone make the societally preferred family of 4 and are still the weirdos LOL!

I think you are right though, it is just inherent with this board, and I acknowledged that in my OP, I guess I just wanted to put it out there.

JackoftheBox

Can i just be the black sheep? Every family needs one! 

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

Can i just be the black sheep? Every family needs one! 

If you are the black sheep, then I will be the ass of the group...

JackoftheBox

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

Can i just be the black sheep? Every family needs one! 

If you are the black sheep, then I will be the ass of the group...

Yea but... 

JackoftheBox

Since its just me apparently. I will post nothing on ttc. if anyone one wants to know something just ask! It's really nbd and i dont want to upset anyone.

Myaflowers

I am not OAD entirely by choice...had lots of trouble TTC and had life threatening PG complications that have a good chance of happening again. That being said, I'm not at all bothered by the TTC posts at this point. I feel like for now I'm OK with being OAD. If, at some point, I start longing for another child, I could see where the TTC threads might be a little upsetting. I think seeing pictures of baby bumps or hearing about actual pregnancies would be more upsetting. I think having a TTC weekly thread is a great idea so that no one's feelings are inadvertently hurt!

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

Since its just me apparently. I will post nothing on ttc. if anyone one wants to know something just ask! It's really nbd and i dont want to upset anyone.

Yeah, I guess my post was more directed to what I foresee happening as opposed to what HAS happened.  Many of the great OADers are going to fall eventually  

JackoftheBox

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

Since its just me apparently. I will post nothing on ttc. if anyone one wants to know something just ask! It's really nbd and i dont want to upset anyone.

Yeah, I guess my post was more directed to what I foresee happening as opposed to what HAS happened.  Many of the great OADers are going to fall eventually  

You guys are silly. Seriously I just want everyone to be happy! And i haven't fallen yet! 

michelle615

Wow.  What an amazing thread.   I'm also OAD by choice.  I would maybe consider a second if I thought H would be along for that same ride, but he isn't and I'm usually ok with that.  Sometimes I long for a second squish.  A lot.  And worry I'll regret it someday.  But usually I don't.  I realize I'm not the audience of @hopefulmom81's concern, but FWIW I have no problem reading posts about OAD, fence sitting or TTC.

My rambling point is there are some amazing women on this board who are kind and considerate of others.

 

michelle615

I should say this board is made up of amazing women that are kind and considerate to others.

 

hopefulmom81

JCSC2008 said:

I love how mature and drama free everyone is on this board! I'm OAD by circumstance, not so much not by choice. My problems with my heart defect and epilepsy before and after pregnancy make having another child possibly life threatening for me. Now that dd is preschool age I don't even think about "what if" because it's been so long since she was a baby. This board is my safe haven since I live in an area where 2+ kids is the norm, and we get questions and looks as a family of 3. My family size feels normal and accepted here. TTC/FS posts don't bother me but I can see how they might be hurtful to others.

I know, right?  I was cowering in the corner waiting to get kicked!

TittsMcGee

I think we should kick the fence sitters so they can fall off the fence. )

Just kidding, love you guys.

hopefulmom81

TittsMcGee said:

I think we should kick the fence sitters so they can fall off the fence. )

Just kidding, love you guys.

JackoftheBox

DO IT!! Maybe they will fall my way and i won't be... 

gwendarling

Fence sitting is definitely part of the OAD process and experience for OAD'ers by choice, but not OAD'ers/not by choice. Hugs to all the OAD'ers/not by choice mamas. I don't know what the answer is and it looks like you guys worked out a great solution, but hugs anyways. 

JackoftheBox

@hopefulmom81

I made a change just for you!! LOL 

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

@hopefulmom81

I made a change just for you!! LOL 

I noticed it when I was re-reading this thread!  If I knew how to play with siggies, I would add the ass to mine @JackoftheBox   Heart you, and sorry this all got directed at you.  I really thought there was a group of TTCers beginning to form!

JackoftheBox

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

@hopefulmom81

I made a change just for you!! LOL 

I noticed it when I was re-reading this thread!  If I knew how to play with siggies, I would add the ass to mine @JackoftheBox   Heart you, and sorry this all got directed at you.  I really thought there was a group of TTCers beginning to form!

First let me help you with your siggy. At the top right hand side of the screen is a grey figure of a head. Click that and hit preferences and then signature settings. Then just copy and paste whatever just like you do a gif. Use the little picture box to insert it though!!! 

Secondly. No biggy really. Love me or not i will stick around until you guys don't want me anymore  

JackoftheBox

@hopefulmom81 I need to see DAT ASS!!! 

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

@hopefulmom81 I need to see DAT ASS!!! 

IT ISN'T WORKING!

JackoftheBox

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

@hopefulmom81 I need to see DAT ASS!!! 

IT ISN'T WORKING!

The fuck are you doing wrong?!! 

Ok ok open an image. right click "copy image url" then on  your siggy box thing there is a box called insert image paste it there. 

I said box WAY to many times... lol i'm a 12 year old boy.

hopefulmom81

JackoftheBox said:

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

@hopefulmom81 I need to see DAT ASS!!! 

IT ISN'T WORKING!

The fuck are you doing wrong?!! 

Ok ok open an image. right click "copy image url" then on  your siggy box thing there is a box called insert image paste it there. 

I said box WAY to many times... lol i'm a 12 year old boy.

You said, "Box"....

but seriously, I did that and it isn't working!

JackoftheBox

Hmm that's the only thing i know to do. Anyone else have suggestions? @bostonkisses2?

TiffanyBerry

lildis09 said:

I think where there are quite a few fence sitters, this is going to happen. The dynamic of this board is such that oad is the default, not some "weird" "taboo" thing like it is on many other boards. Here fence sitters can get a better feel for what things would be like with just 1, whereas other boards would push them to have another. I'd like to hear what those who are oad not by choice have to say. But, this is also a forum where you don't have to open a discussion if you do not want to. (Unlike groups on Facebook for example)

And that's why I'm here.  Most anyone I talk to about being on the fence is all "we have more than one; it's awesome; have another!"  And here, well, there's a lot more understanding of the desire to NOT have another and it's STILL AWESOME.  I need that.  So thank you guys for having it!

MrsCodeMonkey

I don't care for the TTC posts, but as long as they're labeled, I'll avoid them. We can't be too rigid about the topics for discussion or else the board would be very boring.

this decaf life

I'm a fence sitter who leans one way one day, the other way the next day so I can't say a lot but I would definitely leave this board if I started actively TTC. 

I don't really care what anyone else does but personally, I would leave.

meo34

Another medically one and done here. I thought abut this too and wondered if it might bother some. I came to terms with it years ago but could imagine it might be tough for those who are going through it more recently. I think the solution proposed is a great one a very respectful. I think we have a great bunch of folks here on the board who add alot of value, fun and prespective and it would be nice to keep that, even if they are TTC. Right now they are parents of only children so some of the same concerns could apply. And it is good prespective for the fence sitters.