Waiting is the hardest part (intro/loss)

nola219

Well I guess it's time for me to stop lurking and intro myself. With all my sincerest respect, this is not the message board I wanted to be on. However this is where I find myself. In the past 2 months I have been on the TTC>35, TTTC, Dec14 boards and now here. From what I have read, you all are very kind supportive ladies. After such a personal loss, it's hard for me to open up to anyone, much less strangers. I have already benefited from your advise, just reading others message boards. The info on the different approaches to miscarriage, i.e. D&C, meds or natural to be very informative. Still I feel completely ignorant to this process. For the past 3 years my husband and I have been ttc. First ditching all forms of BC. I was Dx with PCOS in my twenties and knew that it would be difficult for me to conceive on my own at a very young age. I didn't think it would be this hard. For the last year and a half we have been TTC with ART. Metformin, Clomid, Follistim, HCG triggers, and progesterone, to no avail. We have had 2 failed IUI cycles as well. This last IUI cycle we got our BFP! For 3 blissful weeks, I knew what it was like to be a pg. I was so ready to be a first time mommy. PG symptoms hit me immediately. I knew I was pregnant before POAS. My 1st u/s was Wed 4/9 @ 5w4days. There was a small sac, but it was measuring at 4w3d. The nurse said sometimes this happens and baby will catch up. Unfortunately my betas were way to low. Beta#1 29, Beta#2 227 Beta#3 288. I got a call on Thursday from the NP saying "this isn't a good pregnancy" and I needed to talk to the doctor. On Friday I talked to my OBgyn, he stated again that this "is not a good pregnancy". He referred to it as a biochemical pregnancy, which I don't get because there is a sac and even if low my betas did go up. I asked am I even pregnant and he said "yes you are pregnant, it's just not a good pregnancy". He and the NP never said the word "miscarriage" to me. He said we will just wait and see what happens, and that I most likely won't have to have surgery because I'm so early on, and that I will most likely have a heavier than normal period. So here I am, waiting. Waiting for baby pass. This is agony. I feel as if I am waiting for death. Other than losing my pregnancy sx, nothing has started. No cramps, back pain or bleeding. How long does this process last?? How long will I be waiting around to pass what's left of my pregnancy? Is there any chance my doctor could be wrong? I know it's a long shot, but I can't help but wonder. Any advise or personal experience stories would be helpful. I apologize if any of this upset or offended anyone with the content I posted on this board. That is definitely not my intention. Thanks, NOLA219

KingLED

I'm so sorry for your loss.

AggieBeth06

(((((Hugs)))))

Unless your betas were off and you had a horrible u/s tech, unfortunately they are right. The margin of error for transvaginal u/s using the crown to rump measurement & +\- 3-7 days... So 8 days is beyond that margin.

I wish so badly that wasn't true.

Waiting is truly the hardest part.

The process is different for every woman so that is hard to say. You could always ask for cytotec to get the process started if you don't want to wait. I can't answer much about the medicated or natural route as I had a d&c, but it took me several weeks to stop spotting. I'm 4 weeks out and AF hasn't returned yet although I think l read that 6-10 weeks is average for AF to return.

gabbagal

I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here, but glad you shared your story. It's ok to be totally ignorant of the process, no one should have to know about it first hand or experience it, but unfortunately we all have and are here to support and help you as you go through it. I had an early loss with my most recent m/c and only knew I was pregnant for two weeks before I started showing signs something was wrong (spotting and minor cramping), but it didn't make it hurt any less. I'm glad you already found some helpful advice here and hope you continue to do so. The limbo is awful and I hope you get some answers soon.

Maxsmommy123112

I'm so sorry for your loss first off.

All of the PPs have given good insight and advice. My last MC I found out when I was supposed to be 10 weeks baby had passed at 8. That night I started to miscarry so it took around 2 weeks for my body to process the loss and try to naturally miscarry.

Unfortunately there is no textbook answer for this. I wish so much I could give you an exact answer as I know the wait can be excruciating.

Please know we are here to help you in anyway we can at anytime. I know it's hard to talk to people. This board has been tremendously helpful to me. I hope you find the women on this board as compassionate as I have.

((HUGS)) sweet girl. We've all been there.

longcat07

i'm so sorry.  we said goodbye to our LOs on the same day.  i wish i had some advice for you.  (((hugs)))

Desertrose27

@Nola: I'm so sorry for your loss.  I too knew from a very early age that I would likely need help to get pregnant.  It does make some things easier, but the process itself is still just as hard. 

I am still in the middle of the process myself, so I am not sure how much help I can be with regard to your questions.  I took cytotec on Monday to try and move the miscarriage along and it didn't work.  I took another dose yesterday, and certainly something happened.  Hopefully it was enough, but I won't find out for sure until tomorrow.  I have heard a natural miscarriage can take weeks to complete and I am not willing to wait around in limbo for that long.  There is surgery, but as early as you are I am not sure it will be necessary for you.

None of the options are good of course, but know that people are here for you regardless.

purplehaze11

I'm sorry for your loss. My OB told me that it can naturally take the body around 2 weeks to process a m/c. However, it's not always the case. I recently had a d&c due to the fact my body still hadn't process a m/c from ~8 weeks before.

meredithcarole

I am so sorry for your loss. The process seems to be a little different for everyone, so it is hard to give a timeline. All I can say is listen to your body and be your own advocate for whatever support (medical or otherwise) you need. If you hit a point where waiting becomes more than you can handle talk to your doctor.

nohalo21

I'm sorry for your loss. I had a later loss and chose to be induced. I didn't like the idea of waiting for my body to miscarry as my daughter had already passed. I didn't want the uncertainty of when it could happen. I'm sure whatever you decide will be the best choice for you.

nola219

Thank you sweet ladies so very much for all your kind words, shared experiences and advice. I hate that any of us are here. I am doing better emotionally. I think I have come to terms with the loss. Well at least for the day:) I have chose to be proactive. I'm going to continue the healthy lifestyle I started when I got my BFP. I'm going to stay caffeine free (I'm a former pot a day addict) and continue exercising. I'm also thinking of doing the Advocare 24 day challenge. If I have to wait a few months to regulate, then I am going to make the most of it. Because of the PCOS I am overweight and need to lose around 60lbs. My goal is 40lbs prior to the next IUI/injectable cycle. My husband is back home, he was OOT on business this weekend so I was alone. Having him here helps so much. I also spent the day with my 2 year old niece, which helped a lot. It's hard to be sad around her. I am going to be applying to different hospitals and clinics, in lower stress environments. I have a few promising leads. Hopefully all the positive changes will ensure a health second pregnancy. If there is one silver lining in this, it's that I now know I CAN get pregnant. I was convinced for years that was impossible. Now I know its not! My body hasn't started the process of m/c yet. I have an appointment on Thursday. If nothing by then I will ask for the medicine. Thanks again for all the kind words, I will keep you posted. :x

MrsKush1014

The waiting really is so very hard, I'm so sorry.  I opted for the D&C to stop the waiting process and personally it was the best choice I could have made.  My procedure was only a few days ago and the cramping reminds me that I am empty, but I'm thankful I no longer have to wait and I can start the healing process.  Good luck and so sorry for your loss.

branders74

I was told I had low beta numbers as well on 4/9 and that our pregnancy would not be a viable one as well.  I am also waiting for the m/c to happen.

nola219

@branders74 @MrsKush So sorry for your recent losses. Today I'm not feeling as strong as I did yesterday. There is definitely a feeling of emptiness. Best of luck to everyone!

stephy1221

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that your H is home now and that you are in a better place emotionally. hugs.

LisaG09

I'm so sorry for your loss and waiting is the worst part. I knew I couldn't handle it (plus the doctor said that a natural miscarriage for me was unlikely since she said the baby was not viable right from the start and my body showed no signs of miscarriage) I still have to wait, we all do. Waiting sucks and like so many have said before I'm so sorry that all of us are in the position.

branders74

@nola219 I am very sorry for your loss as well.  I hope that you heal quickly in all aspects and don't give up on your baby dreams!

nola219

Thanks again for the continued support from everyone on this board. You ladies are wonderful, lending an ear, comfort and support while still suffering from personal losses. I have mad respect for all off you!! I hope one day I can help at least one person here with my experience just like you ladies have done for me.

Today was a hard day, but I made it. Wishing I could be pregnant right now! I know it was way too early for gender assignment, but I'm convinced my little Angel Baby was a boy. I keep dreaming in blue. I wonder if there is anything to that.

My next ART appointment is Thursday and I hope things will get moving soon so I can start healing.

Thanks again for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers!!

nola219

branders74 said:

I was told I had low beta numbers as well on 4/9 and that our pregnancy would not be a viable one as well.  I am also waiting for the m/c to happen.

I am so sorry you are going through this as well. Thank you for sending your kind thoughts. Sending Thoughts and Prayers to you! Hopefully our next pregnancies will be sticky ones!

StephieMK

((Hugs)) to all of you. My m/c finally started yesterday, 3 days after stopping the progesterone, and its been terrible. Hopefully you don't have to wait much longer!

TalulaJ

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks and a d&c at 10 weeks. From lurking and reading a lot of ladies' different experiences on this board, it's interesting to see how many different approaches there can be. Every doctor is different so it's important to make sure you're comfortable with whatever you decide to do. My doctor said she wanted me to wait two weeks to miscarry naturally and then have a d&c. I had a feeling it wouldn't happen naturally and it didn't. I waited out the 2 weeks and got the d&c in a private doctors office and was in and out in an hour. Some milds cramps and bleeding, but not bad overall. I took a week off work and was expecting to be in a really dark depressing place all week but honestly, I felt intense relief when it was over. Of course I was/am incredibly sad and I'm sure I'm not even done processing all my emotions yet (d&c was one week ago) but i had felt such intense dread and fear leading up to it. The weeks of waiting were just an excruciating limbo and it felt so cruel to be pregnant and know nothing will come of it. I completely relate to your feeling of waiting for a death and I felt that once I had the d&c that part was finally over. I had still had pregnancy symptoms leading up to it and starting driving myself crazy thinking what if theyre wrong and am I doing the right thing by having the d&c. They did one last transvaginal u/s the morning of the d&c and i was so grateful they did. It showed what we had been seeing all along - an empty sac. My experience ended up behind the right decision for me but I too found it really difficult to navigate through everything. ((Hugs))

nola219

Update. Yesterday, I started with cramping and scant spotting. Now everything has stopped again. So the d&c is still an option.

I have been thinking of the saying that women become mothers at conception and men become fathers at birth. This feels very true to me. One of the hardest parts of this miscarriage is that I feel like a mother with out a child.

Thanks for your continued support. T&P to you all!