Feeling Low

seggiej

Please don't hate me for this whine ladies, but I honestly feel like I'm going to pop.

Is it common to experience moments of sadness with your pregnancy?  I was feeling ok until about 2 days ago, but something feels like it just snapped, and I can't stop feeling despondent and listless.   I guess I just don't feel prepared or ready for this whole mom thing.  

I'm no where near where I wanted to be in my career, and am afraid of leaving my job, which I totally hate (if that makes any sense).  I commute 2 hours each way daily to join my arrogant coworkers who will pretty much step on your throat to get ahead, so the pregnancy has them all frothing at the mouth to take over where I left off.  But it's a high(ish) profile firm and we do interesting projects and I know that I will never be at this level again because H wants me to be a SAHM or start my own home based design firm, which I don't feel ready or comfortable doing.  There is a lot of liability on striking out on your own, and truthfully, I am a worker bee who is much more content producing drawings and documents then being the star-chitect..

I'm also feeling completely isolated.  My husband is a such a f*cking boyscout, and I really am not,  He is always busy, has a ton of friends, is super faithful in his religion, made smart investments, and worked hard to get his PHD.  He tells me that work as a designer, for which I only got my undergrad, is has gotten me nothing in life so far except student debt, and that I'm lucky because I had nothing before I met him (this statement usually comes up during fights, but it's something that has haunted me ever since it was put on the table.)  He's so confused when I put up a fuss about leaving my work to be a housewife.  On top of this, he gets mad at me when I feel down or gloomy, telling me that we are completely blessed and there are people everywhere who would kill to be in my position and I'm being selfish.  I know he is right, but it makes me feel like my emotions are completely invalid, and I just need to suck it up and not feel them, which I thought I was getting good at doing, but it's getting really hard, hence my online melt down. On top of this, I only have 2 or 3 real friends that I could talk to about this, but I really doubt they would want to talk because they are all really busy with life and this I am probably just being a stupid cow.  It's really hard to talk to my mom about sad things too, because she is getting enough headache from my grandparents who are needing more and more care during the autumn years of their life.  I just feel like I need to be the upbeat one for her.

TL: DR, I'm sad

Sorry for the whine...perhaps I'll pick up some Pasteurized cheese to go with it. 

I also really miss wine.

AmandaJean12

I think it can be totally normal to get overwhelmed right now, especially when there are major decisions to make about what your life looks like when the baby comes. 

I would take some time to daydream about what YOU want. Not what your coworkers would want, or what you wanted when you were in college, or what your husband wants. Figure out what you want right now. There is no right answer, there's just what's best for you.

And if it doesn't let up or gets worse, talk to your doctor before it gets out of control. Hormones do crazy things to our bodies and our emotions!

ohioloveyou

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.  Maybe it would help to discuss the feelings with your husband in a safe environment where he knows you don't want to hear the same arguments he's been throwing out before.  I understand feeling a bit overwhelmed with the whole baby thing and I think that's natural.  We'll figure it out sooner or later, just like our parents did!

MrsL2B

I really miss wine, too.

Prenatal depression is a real thing, so try to keep tabs on how you're feeling and let your doctor know so hopefully you have someone who will ask you every once in a while how you're doing. It's definitely in their interest to keep an eye on your mental health.

Ideally, couples should work as a team and not compare their successes and perceived failures, but we all know no one has a perfect relationship. I love my husband to death, but I'm always going to see his flaws and he's always going to see mine. I choose not to rub his in his face and do my best to remember when he criticizes me for something that he's not exactly Mr. Perfect himself. And you've got time to think about what you want to do with your job, so keep thinking about your opportunities. I work with a lot of building design & construction professionals, and they have a wide range of workplaces, work loads, and project types.

lrobi13

Please whine as much as you like! I agree with pp and hope you can express the things that you like and want. Nobody is perfect and you have value nobody what people yell you.

I understand being strong for your mom but you have to have support as well.

I too miss wine!

ScootsMcG

I think the previous posters have some really good advice.  I am not in the design field, but I'm a professional as well and I remember feeling alot of anxiety before my son was born.  You have put a great deal of time and effort and made sacrifices for your career.  I think it would be weird not to be at least little conflicted about leaving it.  Some see that struggle as selfish, I think its means you are willing to work hard and sacrifice to achieve your goals and that its hard for you to just forget all that work.  You know who else has to do that?  Moms:).  You will be a great one.  It may seem like a rush, but you've got your whole life to make your career what you want, whether that's part-time, full-time, or SAHM.  And although I don't know your field, you may be surprised at what options are available to be the kind of mom you want to be and stay involved in your field.  Maybe a part-time position could give you the extra experience and confidence you need to go on your own?

And it hurts my heart to hear you refer to yourself as a "stupid cow".  I know I'm just a stranger, but I know you're not.  Unfortunately husbands and wives say alot of stupid things when we fight, but if your husband is the religious man you say he is, he knows his wife is God's gift to him and something he should cherish.  I don't think most people marry someone else because they're looking for a fixer-upper:)  Even if it isn't financial, you bring your own gifts to the relationship.  Anyway, please don't beat yourself up for having these feelings, and like the pp said don't be afraid to talk to a professional.  These pregnancy hormones can be rough!

JessAnnJ

I know that I only know what you just wrote, but what I read makes your husband sound like an ass. That whole part dismissing your career by saying it's gotten you nothing but debt and you are lucky you have him because you had nothing before him is a real asshole thing to say even in an argument. It just sounds very demeaning and controlling. Just because your husband has his PHD that doesn't mean he is superior to you. I have a professional degree and my husband does not and I would never say anything like that to him. I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed especially if you feel pressured into SAH and are not sure if that is what you want.

If I were you I would sit down and have a heart to heart about how some of the things your husband is saying and doing are making you feel. You shouldn't have to keep all of your fears and worries in just because your husband doesn't understand then.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed during pregnancy but if you feel like it's more than just that or if you feel like you are having a hard time handling it definitely talk to your doctor. Depression is a medical condition. The fact that other people would love to have your house or income or whatever has nothing to do with it.

persephonerose

Everyone has given you excellent advice so I don't really have anything new to add just creepy internet hugs.  For me pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully you can get your DH on the same page as you so that you guys can work together as a team to make things run smoothly.

kindacrunchy

Pregnancy hormones are a crazy thing! I can't tell how far along you are because I'm mobile but I'm 12 weeks and until about a week ago was feeling really depressed myself. I'm not sure why but I was in a major funk, I think now that I'm feeling a bit better and getting more energy that's helping. It's funny because this is my third and I didn't have any depression problems with my other two. I really think hormones play a huge role.

As far as your career, if you don't want to be a SAHM you shouldn't be. I'm a SAHM and can tell you it is not for everyone. And really it is better for everyone, including your child, if you don't want to stay home that you don't.

Your husband's comments are completely out of line and I think you need to sit down with him and discuss how they make you feel, and go to counciling if necessary. I brought nothing to the table financially when I met my husband. I was a single mom working as a bar tender with no degree, not even a high school diploma actually. He has done so much for me, encouraged me to get my GED, put me through college, supports the whole family financially so I can SAH. But so help me God if he ever threw that in my face. That's pretty cruel, I hope he just doesn't understand how mean of a thing that is to say.

I hope you start feeling better soon and you and your dh can get on the same page.

LaDyBostonRN

PP have given you good advice. I am so sorry you're feeling this way, and I am sorry you're husband says those things. I hope you work it all out soon and find happiness. If you ever need to whine, whine away here, it will help to get it out.

ashie0610

Nothing to add that PPs haven't already said, but wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Know that your feelings do matter and they are valid.

slsl509

Whoa. Some harsh truths coming from internet stranger: While I agree hormones and pregnancy and depression and all that (not downplaying depression at all, been medicated since 1998) but you have some very legitimate life stress to be concerned about. Primarily your marriage.  You need to get into counseling STAT first by yourself and then with him if he will go (if he won't, that's another post).  Whatever is difficult between you now will be eleventy times worse after baby comes. If you SAH and don't want to, you'll feel trapped and resentful.  If you work at a job you hate and commute 4(!!!) hours on top of a full day of work, you won't have anything left over for anyone.  You are at a major crossroads in your career and your marriage and this will not go away on its own. No matter what your DH says about how blessed you should feel or what you should want to do, you don't agree.  That doesn't make one person right or wrong but you need to come to an agreement that works for both of you.

When I have a few big decisions to make, I start with one or else it's too overwhelming. I'm not sure how you can stay in your current job with that commute. I work 10 hours days 4 days a week and it about kills me on those 4 days now that I have a kid. And I completely understand not wanting to go out on your own, I'm the same way.  Is there anything closer?

You need to have some real talks with your husband and counseling could be a neutral safe place to do that where both sides get heard. He shouldn't minimize your feelings about anything let alone this HUGE change in your life, not cool.

Your feelings and concerns are 100% valid. Good luck and keep communication open with your OB.

archi35

I had this a few weeks ago when I made the thread about being fat and gross - so I totally understand feeling low!  It did go away though and I feel a lot better now so hopefully this is just a passing phase for you.  I too missed my go-to glass of red wine (okay may be 2 glasses)

As PP have said your feelings are totally normal and valid.  I too made sure my OB knew so that if it kept up for a while it could be addressed.  She told me to wait a week or so and to write down how I was feeling, to see if it was getting better or worse.  Honestly this experience is such a day to day situation that it takes a lot to keep up a positive attitude sometimes.

FWIW I also have a very competative work situation and I KNOW the second I tell people I'm pregs there will be several people hovering around my job.  I can predict who the vultures will be so its quite stressful so I understand your feelings. 

I have been trying to take it day by day, and to try and be thankful for a small things each day (ie: that I can get pregnant, that I got 6 instead of 5 hours sleep, that I'm not as sick this day, etc.). It sounds trite but it really has helped to just go day by day.

GL and we are here for you!

Lele74

((((Hugs))))
I don't have much to add. PP have said some good stuff. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone when feeling low and it's okay to talk to us on the board. Sure, we roll our eyes at the bump v. bloat posts, but feeling this way is no joke. You're safe here.
Sending positive vibes your way.

ss265

JessAnnJ said:

I know that I only know what you just wrote, but what I read makes your husband sound like an ass. That whole part dismissing your career by saying it's gotten you nothing but debt and you are lucky you have him because you had nothing before him is a real asshole thing to say even in an argument. It just sounds very demeaning and controlling. Just because your husband has his PHD that doesn't mean he is superior to you. I have a professional degree and my husband does not and I would never say anything like that to him. I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed especially if you feel pressured into SAH and are not sure if that is what you want. If I were you I would sit down and have a heart to heart about how some of the things your husband is saying and doing are making you feel. You shouldn't have to keep all of your fears and worries in just because your husband doesn't understand then. It's normal to feel overwhelmed during pregnancy but if you feel like it's more than just that or if you feel like you are having a hard time handling it definitely talk to your doctor. Depression is a medical condition. The fact that other people would love to have your house or income or whatever has nothing to do with it.

This! I have three degrees and my husband has one - never once have I brought this up in an argument to make him feel low. You need to sit down and discuss how this makes you feel when you are both calm. If this is an indication of bigger problems in your relationship (i.e. your husband trying to control and dominate you) then I agree that you might need counseling and some professional help.

And honestly, the choice to SAH or work should be a joint decision and not something he should be pushing. If anything, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of that decision with respect to future opportunities, how your time is spent etc. so if anything I feel that you should have the bigger say. You need to think about what would make you happy.

ecrites

I'm sorry that today feels overwhelming and sad. You sound smart and beautiful and kind and I know you are going to make it through this day and tomorrow too. I believe in your ability to do this with me, because I'm pretty overwhelmed most days too. I don't know you and you don't know me but I'm thinking about you and you have a friend here that you can talk to anytime. Cause this is hard stuff and we're here for each other. Let's take some time each day and try to be true that amazing woman who brought us the success and love we've found thus far. She needs us to believe in her, so I will. I can do it for both of us today if you need that. I might need you to return the favor another day . 

Hugs, Em