When to tell IF friends (and why I'm thankful for this board!)

rox825

Happy Friday!  This may be premature since I'm only 10 weeks, but I have a few IF friends IRL, 1 is TFAS via IVF (did IVF for #1 too), 1 has been doing IUIs and saving for IVF.  I'll see them and others at a get together in May if not sooner, and I've been thinking about when to tell them.  I'd like to let them know via email or text, that was always my preference for finding out, and in theory I'd like to wait until after the get together so it's not a main topic of conversation, but I'm afraid that I'll be chubby enough by then (15-16 weeks if I make it) that it will be obvious.  WWYD, tell before or try to hide it til after?

And to the second part of my title- sometimes I lurk on my BMB and just saw that a non-IFer asked a similar question (I know some of you post on my BMB so you know what I'm talking about!).  Great for her for caring, but there were a few replies along the lines of, if she's a real friend she should be happy for you and if she's not then I wouldn't be her friend anymore.  Luckily lots of PAIFers countered and someone posted a link to the resolve IF etiquette page.  I just can't believe how closed-minded some people can be to others experiences when they haven't walked in their shoes.  I guess I've been lucky to have friends who were understanding when I needed to back away at times?

Anyway, it made me grateful that there are IF and PAIF communities here where everyone "gets it", so wanted to send special thanks and hugs to everyone this morning >:D<

HeatherHam10

I would really tell them right away if you feel comfortable. I think itd give them time to adjust and I wouldve liked to know so I didnt feel like they were intentionally keeping if from me. But I agree about txt or email.

ttuprincess

HeatherHam10 said:

I would really tell them right away if you feel comfortable. I think itd give them time to adjust and I wouldve liked to know so I didnt feel like they were intentionally keeping if from me. But I agree about txt or email.

I agree with this completely.  I think giving them time to process their feelings is a good idea.  I also like the idea of an e-mail or text message. 

Manada

I told my IRL IF friends at about 10 weeks. Long enough that I felt comfortable, but early enough that I could give them some time to process before we announce publicly.

I sent them a FB message letting them know and also making it clear that I didn't expect a reply right away, would be happy to talk about our process if they wanted, and totally understood if they needed some space. Both came back with a Congrats! Pretty quickly, but I am letting them lead around whether/how much we talk and if it is about pregnancy....

pcrumley

I'm also dealing with this, luckily one of my if friends got pregnant the week before I did, but idk how to break the news to my best friend that had a blighted ovum in February! Help!

DagnyDoo

This board is amazing on so many levels. All the different perspectives have helped me so much!

You didn't mention how close these friends are, but I'm guessing that since the next time you'll see them is likely May they aren't your closest of besties.  I'd tell them a little bit (a week?) before you start telling your other friends.  They'll understand why you've waited because of your history, but you definitely want to give them some time to process before it starts getting out and becoming a conversation topic.  By 15/16 weeks I was obviously showing in my mind, but everyone who knew told me it just looked like I'd put on a few pounds.  BUT if these friends know you've been going through treatments again, and see the few pounds, and don't know yet, it might be more painful for them to be standing there wondering but not asking, and then later finding out, then to just know ahead of time.  

There's no rule that says after they know all discussion has to be about the baby.  Let them acknowledge it if they want to, but then move the conversation onto something else.

You're a good friend for trying to navigate your own emotions and theirs through all this.