Pediatrician says bedsharing is the problem

3litttlebirds

I have an 18 month old son. He has been sleeping in the bed with my husband and I since almost the beginning. We didn't plan to do that, but he would not sleep in the pack-n-play by the bed, so we did end up with him in the bed in order for all of us to get some sleep. And we have continued with that. He's never been the best sleeper, as far as he seems to be a light sleeper and wakes frequently. I understand this can be normal for babies, but in the past three months his sleeping has really gone downhill. He is very restless, sometimes throughout the entire night. He cries out frequently, sometimes as often as every 30 minutes. Occasionally he has very bad nights where he is fussing for about an hour to three hours. Again, this is with him in the bed with me and my husband and with us comforting him. I have wondered if we are waking him up more with comforting him, so a few times I have tried not responding to him other than just laying beside him. Those times he became hysterical and took a long time to comfort. I am not wanting to do CIO, but especially not if that is his reaction to me being right beside him, but not acknowledging him in any other way. 

Today at his 18 month appt, I talked to the pediatrician about how he had never been the best sleeper, but that it has gotten worse recently. I told her that I was not wanting to let him CIO at this point, at this age. I was looking for other advice or knowledge. She told me that she could not offer me any sound advice if I was going to continue letting him bedshare because that was the problem. She said I needed to do "bedtime bootcamp" for 7 nights where I put him in his room and let him cry and not go to him. I'm definitely not doing that. So I'm coming to you ladies for words of advice and encouragement and thoughts on if this is normal and will get better. Thanks!

ncbelle

Most pediatricians know as much about sleep as you do.  Bed sharing is a parenting choice and not a medical one so I wouldn't go to a pedi for sleep advice

Have you read the No Cry Toddler Sleep Solution?  That might be a good place to start.  Is LO cutting molars by chance?

nosoup4u

I don't think shutting a toddler in their room and letting them work it out is a good solution by any means, but I don't disagree w your Dr completely.

DS1 was an atrocious sleeper, and we co-slept w him until about 24 months. From about 12 months on, we had a mattress for him against our mattress, but he was still v wiggly and woke up constantly. We finally got him a toddler bed around 24 months, which we set up in our bedroom, and he magically started sleeping 5+ hours overnight. He still woke 1-2 times, but he was STTN by 2.5. I think some kids outgrow co-sleeping, and start doing better on their own. We moved DS2 to his own bed around 18 months as well, but he still loves bed sharing (he's 3.5).

I would start w a bed or mattress in your room, or have one of you start the night in his room to ease the transition. "Good Night, Sleep Tight" by Kim West has good advice also. Good luck, it won't last forever!

Emerald27

When DS was just about 2, we bought a twin mattress ($75 @ ikea) and put it on the floor next to my side of the bed. For about a week I slept on it with him, and then I started putting him to bed there as always, but then climbing into my own bed. When he woke, I would go to him there.

I found that in his own space (still close to mama where I could hop down easily when he needed me), he started to sleep longer stretches. He was just ready. We got awesome train sheets and a cool pillow to make his big boy bed really special.

Now we're transitioning his bed into his own room. I'm sleeping in it with him for now, and in a few more days I'll start slipping away when he's asleep and returning to him at his first waking. I'll spend the rest of the night with him, and in a few weeks, I hope to be just stopping in to soothe him and then going back to my own bed.

ETA: DS is 2.5 so we've spent over 7 months on this transition. We are big believers in gentle transitions.

Emerald27

Just wanted to follow up to say that bedsharing isn't a problem, even when they're ready for their own bed. More snuggles are not a bad thing!

However, if you do suspect that his frequent wakings are due to being ready to sleep in his own space, there's nothing wrong with finding a gentle way to transition him that works for your family.

veetveet

We did not bedshare but We did our own version of CIO. We would go in- lay her bavk down, pat her back.... we did this a lot. We would also sit in the room beside the crib. Eventually it worked out.

=Lee=B

There is still a chance he would sleep better on his own.  He was hysterical with you lying beside him, but not comforting him.  But, it may be that he is used to you comforting him and by lying beside him and not comforting him it was more upsetting.  Being in his own bed he may, possibly, wake and go back to sleep or just not wake.

I got my daughter (now 13months) back in her crib a couple months ago because I noticed that she was waking more and more.  She was getting more mobile and was moving around more in her sleep.  I believe she was asleep and moving about, bumping into me and waking because I was there.

Now she is in her crib, she moves all over the place but doesn't wake while doing it, when she does wake she puts herself to sleep with her soother and blanket, with no tears.  We go in when she does fuss.  She usually stands up and calls us or cries.  She settles as soon as we go in and give her blanket and soother.  Lately as soon as we walk in she smiles and lies herself back down before we get to the crib.

Anyways...just wanted to point out that just because he freaks out when you are beside him and not comforting him doesn't mean it would be worse in his own space.  He may just feel you are ignoring him because you are right there. 

I would suggest trying a floor bed.  Lie with him until he is asleep then return to your bed.  He may still wake...but you may find in time he wakes less often because he doesn't have you and your husband disturbing him.  This bed can be in your room or his.

For my daughter we (she and I) always bedshared in her room.  Then we floor bedshared in her room.  When I needed to move her back to her crib I put the bed right up against her crib (with bars on) and we bedshared there with her near her bars.  Then I started putting her in her crib with me in the bed with the bars between us.  Then I moved the bed across the room and I slept in the room with her in the crib and I just eventually started sleeping in my room the start of the night and finishing off in hers.  Now I am completely in my room and she is in her crib.

She used to nurse every 2hrs round the clock...since getting her into her crib she has gone to nursing every 3-5hrs and has done some 7-8hr stretches all on her own accord.  I try the soother first and she very clearly lets me know if she wants milk.  When my husband goes in she will either lie down and take soother or will clearly say "Mummm" and he brings her to me for nursing.

I miss bedsharing and have tried a few times lately with her teething or just needing an extra nap but it just doesn't work anymore.  She is just too mobile and wiggly and she can't settle to sleep.  But, I can do her sleep routine (nursing, 30sec snuggle then into bed in the same position) and she lies there rubbing her blanket until she falls asleep...quite happily.  She just needed her own space.

Anyways...not sure if any of this helps but your comment on him being hysterical with you beside him reminded me of a road trip we took and my little one got upset because she was tired.  She was maybe 6months old.  She reached out to be held (I was sitting beside her in the back seat to keep her busy and calm).  When I didn't pick her up but just tried to sooth her she freaked, complete hysteria because she was asking to be held for comfort so she could sleep and I always would hold her for comfort when she was upset.  She was soooooooo hysterical.  We got off at the next exit and I took her out.  The second I unbuckled her and picked her up she instantly calmed and fell asleep.  I woke her, nursed her and snuggled her a few minutes then buckled her back in, asleep and she was fine the rest of the trip.  It was that shock and confusion of me being right there beside her but not holding her when she needed it that set her over the edge.  How confusing it would have been for me not to respond in the way she was so used to.  Had I been sitting in the front seat out of sight I don't doubt she would have been upset because she was tired but she would have either fallen asleep or just remained upset until we got off at the next exit, I don't think she would have gone so hysterical.

yeah.

I don't think you need to let him CIO, but truth be told, bedsharing could be the problem. We stopped bedsharing around 13 months bc LO was waking up all the time with our movements. She's a light sleeper and did a million times better in her own room.

cyprissa

While I totally disagree with your pediatrician re: bedtime bootcamp, I do think that sometimes bedsharing can exacerbate sleeping issues if kids are in a light sleeper phase. We bedshared with DS1 until a year and then I transitioned him to a floor bed in his own room and used the Sleep Lady Shuffle to get him sleeping on his own. He was waking up hourly and not going down easily anymore. I think we are starting to get that way with DS2 so we'll probably have to make a change soon. It doesn't mean that what you've been doing up until this point was wrong, just that maybe he's ready for something new. 

mb314

If you're fine with the bed sharing, then there is no need to take your pediatrician's "advice."  I don't have other advice, though, since I have a terribly-sleeping 19 month old in bed with us every night.

rae_dylanzmom

I don't like your pedi's advice at all (like others). Agree that ped's are not often the best source for parenting advice.

Our story is similar to the others - although I'd say our launching point was my husband's frustration and lack of sleep. At ~12 months, DS got his own mattress on the floor next to us, then in his room... for awhile he had a bed in both places which let us be flexible with wherever felt best at the time. I could sleep with him or not, depending on how we felt.

Can't recommend enough checking out NCSS for Toddlers (mentioned in a pp).... it's been my touchstone for coping and dealing. I go back to it probably every 6 months to look for new ideas and suggestions for whatever the current situation warrants. 

starbuck12

My son was much the same way, a restless, tossing sleeper from day 1. We did bedsharing too because I was exhausted and wasn't getting any sleep either way, but I felt at least with bedsharing I could rest while not sleeping. My son used to wake up every 45min.-2 hours to nurse too, which was fine when he needed the nourishment every few hours, but it continued. I tried everything but CIO because I am so against the damage it can do long term with our littles. I even tried the No Cry Sleep Solution, and nothing worked. My son was 11 months old, and I was still getting about 4 hours of broken sleep every night. I felt like I was going to lose my flipping mind. A friend suggested something to me and since I had tried everything else, I tried this. Though there was some crying involved, I felt much better about it because I wasn't just abandoning my son to his own room away from the comfort and presence of me and my husband.

We moved his crib right next to my side of the bed with no space between me and his crib. The first night was rough, he'd wake up and fuss for me, and I would comfort him, rub his back, whisper that I loved him and that it was time to sleep now. That first night he cried for about 15 minutes, but all the while I was comforting him, just not picking him up out of the bed to nurse him. I just comforted him from my bed while he was in his crib. The second time he woke up he was up for 7 minutes, and not even crying, just sort of fussing. Again, I rubbed his back, told him I loved him and it was time to sleep. The second night he woke up once for a few minutes. He's slept through the night since then.

My son is such a light sleeper that any tiny little movement we made woke him up. It sounds like your little one might be the same way. Your pediatrician though, isn't giving sound advice. I don't think it's every a good idea to just abandon our littles to another room to cry without any hope or sign of comfort from their moms and dads. I call that abandonment. Bedsharing isn't necessarily the problem either, your little one might just be ready for a change. Every baby is different, every parent different, every situation different, you have to find what works for your family, not what everyone else says you should be doing.

boogerbearoriginal

Whether or not bedsharing is the "problem" I don't think leaving a child of any age to cry alone is the appropriate solution. There's a possibility your movements/etc are waking him up and/or he's having a hard time getting comfortable. It's possible your LO is teething (molars are the absolute worst teeth ever and take a lifetime to cut through). Or it's possible LO is just going through a rough patch and time will improve things.

There are lots of gentle ways to transition out of cosleeping, PPs mentioned a fair number. I found the NCSS for Toddlers was very helpful. But basically when we were ready for LO to move to his own space, we set him up a bed and I would lay down with him like I always did and just got up after he fell asleep. When he woke I would go comfort him and either stay in bed or go back to mine depending on the time and how quickly he settled down. Some nights he woke a few times, some nights he slept until 5a. He was 2yrs when we did that. Sometimes he would even just come into our room without crying and climb up into our bed.

Of course it's all gone back to 100% bedsharing since LO2 arrived lol but we're not pushing any big changes for the time being. 

I'd try giving him his own bed, either in your room or in his own room, and see how he does. Worst case scenario, nothing will change and he'll still be up frequently crying.

ToastieSimons

Both of my boys hate bedsharing and co sleeping.  they want their own space and they like it quiet.  

Do you have a crib and mattress for him?  If so, have you considered putting the mattress on the floor in another room and letting him fall alseep on it with you there?  Just to see what happens?

DS2 went from waking 10-15 times a night to 1-2 times when we switched from bedsharing to his own crib in his own room.  He was just under 6 months.  And we did not do CIO.  That's just how much he likes his own space.

I'm not saying bedsharing is the problem but it could be, he may be ready to sleep on his own. 

WeLiveInMaine

I am not sure I would trust a doctor who honed in on coslept as the obvious cause without considering anything else. That to me says she is close minded and judgemental about cosleeping which kind of makes you wonder what else she is closed about. Doctors are supposed to be puzzle and problem solvers, for which you need an open mind. Did she consider anything physical like teething or reflux or something? We didn't really have a problem with either of those so I may be way off on the age. He may prefer his own space and that's something you can explore but not the only possible cause.