Real talk on considering adoption

Sami14vb

I know the issue of adoption is a really sensitive subject, so I apologize if I say anything offensive as I am new to the adoptive issue.  I am struggling with my infertility, and my husband tells me not to worry and that worst case scenario we will adopt, so we'll have a child no matter what.  My sister-in-law and pretty much everyone else asks me if I will adopt. My true answer is as follows:

My first reaction is that I don't want to adopt. I want my own child with my own genes and my husband's genes that is from the same line that all of my family and his family comes from.  It frightenes me a bit to think that I would have no idea where my child is coming from and what they will grow up to look like.  I feel like I picked my husband in part because I wanted to make a child with him based on his personality, physical features, etc. that would mix with my own in child-making. I'm afraid that I wouldn't bond with the child and the child would be damaged and mad that their parents gave them away and that would lead to huge troubles in the household. I've read that some adoptive children always feel like they don't fit in with their family. 

I'm not saying that the idea of adopting and having a child that I love doesn't sound better than having no child at all.  In a perfect adoptive scenario I would want to adopt a child and feel this intense loving bond and just feel like they are mine and that my baby would love me like their mother and then they would not wish that their parents had kept them.  I would want my family and my husband's family to accept them as their own and not ever bring up the fact they are adopted.

I guess I am just looking for real talk on the positives and negatives on adoption and that hopefully the positives outweigh the negatives.

Did any of you have fears like mine before you turned to adoption but you were proved wrong when you brought your child home?

Dr.Loretta

You have several issues at play, and I'll try to address as many as I can

A genetic connection with our child was something my H had to work through. Once he mourned that loss, he realized our child also wouldn't get negative genetic traits on our families. And there's a significant nurture component, meaning any child you have can pick up your mannerisms and approach to life. Besides, everyone says DD looks like me

My H was also concerned about bonding, yet I can tell you they bonded instantly. It actually took me longer to bond, but that can happen with parents who give birth to their children

Not talking about adoption with a child or a family is discouraged, and for good reason. Adoption is not a shameful secret, and children do much better if they hear their story early and often, so it becomes a part of their history instead of a big reveal. This is also the reason open adoption on some level is increasingly the norm.

I would recommend you do some research about these issues and see what adoption is really like. Adopting After Infertility is horribly outdated, but the upfront section can help you decide on a path forward.

I can say adopting DD was one of the best things we've ever done. She is a happy, healthy, well adjusted dynamo who loves her family, both by birth and adoption. We have a distant but good relationship with her birth family, and we know she can talk to them about any questions she has

I so want to tell people who say "just adopt" to STFU because it's not easy, and it's not helpful

JoyfulJuly

It sounds like you really need to shelf the idea of adoption until you are more at peace with yourself.  Adoption should not be a "better than nothing" option, in my opinion. It may sound cryptic but I believe you'll know you're ready if and when you're ready. Best of luck.

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GlowintheDark

I think your feelings are normal and valid for someone just coming to the process. Yes, some people are more open and comfortable to the idea early on. But not everyone who will be a good adoptive parent comes to it the same way. You're recognizing those fears now and processing them. Through more research, reading and talking with people involved in adoptions, may find those fears alleviated. Or maybe not. The worst thing is to go into adoption blind to your own fears/prejudices as a couple and potential issues your child may face. It took us awhile to come to the place where we realized that genes are just genes. And while we think we're ok people and our bio son turned out pretty good, that no guarantee any other child we would produce wouldn't have issues. Conception is always an unknown, no matter who the parents are.

erinmc1

I agree with the previous posts that if you’re feeling this way, you’re not ready to look into adoption.  And that’s ok.  Mourning infertility is a very personal process, and you have to take as long as you need to heal.  Everyone who pushes you to adopt is being ignorant of your feelings, and you should try your best to ignore them.  Adoption isn’t an easy path to walk.  There are a lot of considerations and choices to be made that are difficult and unique, and people are going to judge you for those, too.  But it’s not a last resort or worst case scenario. 

 

I look at our son and I DO wonder if he looks like his birth father at all, because he most definitely resembles his birth mom, big time.  But there’s no doubt that kid is ours, regardless what he looks like. 

 

Part of the fun of adoption is that he’s a blank slate.  We don’t have all these expectations of what he’ll enjoy or be good at, or even when he’ll hit milestones in relation to my husband or me.  But he probably won’t have the same slew of neurological and immune problems my family does, or the diabetes that runs on my husband’s side. 

 

Now that we have him, legal hoops aside, the most challenging thing about raising a child not biologically my own is making fattening meals for a kid with a high metabolism when my own metabolism is sluggish.   That’s it.  

Sami14vb

Thank you so much for all of your comments and advice. I do have a lot of processing to do, and If necessary, grieving through infertility.  Maybe some day I will feel more comfortable, and I consider this forum to be a first step.  Thank you so much again for allowing me to be candid in a safe place.

 I should have been more precise when I said that I didn't want family members to talk about the adoption.  I don't think adoption is shameful.  What I meant is that I know sometimes kids and even unwise adults can be mean at times, and I would hate for someone to make my child feel that they are not as much of an integral part of the family that is "blood".  In part, the reason I thought of this is because when I typed "how do feel about being adoopted" into google these were the accounts that I saw in addition to some saying that they had no problem being adopted.

While reading through more of the posts on this forum and other resources, I can see that much of the quality of family life for the adopted child has to do with how their parents approach the whole situation, and really who the parents are to begin with. 

Sami14vb

Thank you so much for your response.  I hope that one day I can come to the place that you have come to.

Dr.Loretta

Avoid google! It's easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole of the anti-adoption movement

lorifromwi

Dr.Loretta said:

Avoid google! It's easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole of the anti-adoption movement

True for any topic and Google!  Everything must be taken with a bucket of salt.

lorifromwi

I am also an adoptee and while there were times growing up it was easy to blame difficulties on that fact, it wasn't true most of the time.  I was raised in a family where my older brother was my folks bio child, and while there were definitely some genetic similiarities, he still dealt with issues with them.  I think it's part of the growing up process. 

That said, I think my folks handled things in the best way possible for a closed adoption.  I've known I'm adopted since I can remember and they communicated it in a positive way.  They also communicated that not everyone will see it for the blessing that it is.  That's true of anything though right...special needs children, mixed-race families, etc.  There is always a blow-hard out there who wants to make you feel that you are less good than they are.

As everyone has said, take your time through the process.  If you're not ready...well, you just aren't.  Be true to your heart.

crene84

I don't think I had many of the fears that you mentioned, though adoption was very scary in general for me.  I was just so focused on starting a family, I don't think I gave myself time to worry about the specific things you listed.

I have now been able to experience both adoption and a bio child (see my siggy).  I absolutely adore both my children and am so glad it took so long for DS to come along because if I'd gotten pregnant sooner, we wouldn't have DD.  She's amazing and though I would have been fine with her having different physical features, it ended up that she has my blue eyes, fair skin, and everyone says she looks so much like me.  It may take longer to match, but depending on which route you take, you can specify certain criteria and you don't have to accept a situation you aren't comfortable with.

Good luck with whatever you decide.  I am a huge advocate of adoption and feel everyone should be able to have a family, so I hope you are able to start a family soon!

spotco2

We battled infertility for several years but knew that we wanted to expand our family.

When we decided to adopt, we visited several local resource centers that were giving presentations on adoptions and fostering. We talked in depth with adoptee's and adoptive parents and have since given presentations about our experiences along our journey trying to answer questions that others might have and even answer some questions that they might not have thought of yet. Check with your local family resource centers and pregnancy centers to see if they have any support groups or something similar for adopting. Go visit and become involved.

Adoption is an emotional roller coaster but one that has a fabulous ending. We don't label adopted children as "adopted" but as "miracle babies" because that is what they are.

Our son is our son, period. Our world revolves around him. We know that he has birth parents and siblings and we have some pics of them that we will give him when we think he is old enough, but until that time he is our child. We bonded instantly in the hospital and that bond grows more and more each day. His grandparents just think of him as another grandson. His cousins just think he's another cousin. Same for aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. He is part of our family and we have dedicated out lives to raising him to the best of our ability.

We don't care that he might not look like either of us. He will be raised with our family values and beliefs in a loving and caring home. He will always be a very important part of our family. In a perfect world, families would be formed biologically. Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and have adapted to creating families by loving, caring and raising miracle babies.

KezziRiv

.  That's true of anything though right...special needs children, mixed-race families, etc.  There is always a blow-hard out there who wants to make you feel that you are less good than they are.

THIS!!!  

moonbull0421

hi there.. i think you just have a big heart. but you have to learn to trust yourself more, i believe you have the power to overcome these thoughts.. for one, i've had a friend, her name is Khira and she was adopted from birth. she grew up with these adoptive parents and sees them as her own parents. if you were to adopt a child from birth, it's not manipulating the child to love you as you raise them, it's the child's choice to love you. obviously the parents could not or did not want to take care of the baby and so, just like in the animal kingdom, when this happens, another mother (infertile or not) will raise the child, protect the child and love them.

Khira is artistic and beautiful and can sing, she knows about that her adoptive parents are not her real parents, but yet she feels they are. for her birth parents, she feels a distance and a somber disrespect because they abandoned her. and i agree with that feeling. 

seeing as you really want your own baby, i think you should keep trying to conceive as much as you can, though, because miracles do happen a plenty on the lands and waters of this planet:) i believe with enough hope and love, eventually your time would come.

and when you said, "i'd want the baby to love me like their mother," - you would be their mother!

smile and breathe, family does not always have to be blood. baby will love you no matter what

lorifromwi

@NariaDreaming...as an adoptee and potential adoptive parent myself, thank you for putting into words so eloquently how you feel.  It also describes my experience so well, and I don't know that I could have expressed it nearly as well.

irismorning

I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. My adoptive parents ARE my parents. We do not use qualifiers such as "adopted or biological" in our household (I just use them here for clarity.)

I always knew that I was adopted as do my boys. I do not lie to my children about their background, I give them information in an age appropriate way. In this way, they will never think that I lied to them or covered anything thing up. I want them to know that the fact that they were adopted does not make them any different in my eyes. It is not a secret or shameful. If they want to seek out their biological parents when they are older, I will help them. I have never felt the need, but they may.

My adoption is closed and my boys' is semi-open (the biological family knows my name, but due to safety issues we have no direct contact. I send pictures to them a few time a year.)

I am actually just like my mom. Our mannerisms and attitudes are so similar. My youngest brother (my parent's biological child) and I are also so similar it is scary. I never had identity issues, I know who I am in relation to the people who love me and that is enough for me. My other brother (also my parent's biological child) is the one who had all of the identity, rebellion, etc. issues in our household growing up and now. You never can tell. Also research has shown that a lot of issues that are chalked up to adoption issues are simply normal issues viewed through the lens of adoption.

It is okay if you are not ready for this step. Take your time and see if you come around. Just please do not adopt a child thinking of it as a second best option. No one wants to be a "backup" plan. Each child, biological or adopted deserves all of your heart.

jenbabe

I felt the same way, we started the adoption process because it seemed like all our other options had run out.  DH was pushing for adoption long before I was ready so I agreed one step at a time.  First we could get some info, then I agreed to choose an agency and just do a homestudy.  Since wait time is often long I figured I would have time to get used to the idea.  But our wait was short and before I knew it I had a baby to take care of.  I was excited but there were still so many things that scared me about the whole process.  Now I can without a doubt say that I'm thankful we never had bio children or else I might not have my son and he is the most awesome kid ever (my opinion may be biased)!  It took me a while to bond with him as a newborn but once you get attached you will forget he/she doesn't have your genes and you didn't give birth to him/her.  Your child is your child, it doesn't matter how they came to be part of the family. 

bumpuser794640

jenbabe said:

once you get attached you will forget he/she doesn't have your genes and you didn't give birth to him/her.  Your child is your child, it doesn't matter how they came to be part of the family. 

I just want to give a different perspective - although we've only been parenting three months, I do not think I will forget I didn't give birth to my child. The fact that he's a different race is only part of that equation. The fact that he is adopted will probably be an important piece of his identity, and I don't ant to forget that, and the challenges it may present when he is older.

lorifromwi

Being adopted myself, it was never swept under the rug...but you do "forget" and people "forget"...I'm just one of the family.  There was a medical scare in my family awhile back and my grandma was adamant that my mom should get me tested.  Yeah, my genetics are different and no risk that way.  It just told me that in their eyes, I'm not any different than my older brother who was their bio.