this shit sucks! ncdr obviously!

candlequeen

I'll try to make this short. My STBXH hasn't given me any money for the kids since before CHRISTMAS. I was going to be nice and for the sake of my in-laws invite xh's family to Harper's first b day party. Then he started really showing his ass. On March 8 the kids went to his nephews b day party and Colton asked to stn. I said that was fine and I picked Harper up. The next day he wouldn't give Colton back to me!!!! I flipped out and after 45 minutes he finally gave him to me and it took FOREVER to get both kids nut to mention myself called down. So I haven't let him see them since that. So I changed my mind about the party and was just going to have a small party with my side of the family. Then today my MIL sends a huge pack of diapers (can't use cloth at DC) and some clothes for the kids with her friends whose grandson attends the DC. That poor lady awkwardly patted my back and said "sorry about your divorce, I've btdt." Then I get a LONG text from MIL saying she paid to reserve the church fellowship hall for the party and XH will be giving me $100 towards decorations etc. Please don't shut them out, blah blah. What the hell am I supposed to do?! I hope you all read this entire thing cuz it was a fucking nightmare typing it on mobile!

Into+the+Kitty

Is he still an active addict? I would not leave my child overnight with someone who couldn't be trusted to be sober. Do you have a temporary order of custody in place?

nanabanana06

That sucks. Have you gone to court or started any proceedings through the state for a visitation plan or child support? If not, get on that. It's to protect you. That way if he tries to pull this kind of crap again he'll get in real trouble. Same with the child support. In our state if he hadn't paid his CS in I think 6 months or so he loses his license. I really feel for you hun. I've been there. It is not fun!

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candlequeen

He lives with in-laws so that's why I let him stn. I'm assuming he's still taking pills and smoking pot. My lawyer is going to require a hair follicle test if he wants unsupervised visits.

nanabanana06

Also, if he hasn't paid support I'd talk to your lawyer. I personally wouldn't be letting him see the kids unless he paid support.

YellowLily2013

I'd thank mil for the diapers and clothes. And then tell her thank you for the gesture for the birthday party but that it wasn't necessary. And that you'll stay in touch especially once stuff calms down.

candlequeen

I have to give more money to the lawyer to get the papers filed. That should be next week ( tax refund). Then the ball can get rolling. Should I still do this huge frickin bday party?

YellowLily2013

No don't do a big party. It's not worth the stress!!

nanabanana06

If you don't want to do the party, don't. I have no idea on the lawyer thing. I did child support through the state without a lawyer (it's free). Visitation is a lawyerable thing though. I know for me my ex and I have zero visitation in place. He's not existent in the life of my daughter. However, keep a log of how many months he hasn't paid. He will have to pay that back.

N_Koz

You have to do what you feel is right. If the idea of a big party is stressing you out then just tell XMIL that you are grateful for the gesture but just want to do a small party this year. If it would make you more comfortable for them to come to your turf then invite them but if you don't want them there then don't. I know he has a drug problem so getting the order in place asap is very important. I just want to caution you that with no order he has just as much of a right to keep the child as you do and it can get very sticky if the cops get involved. Also denying visitation can reflect poorly in court if he chooses to get his crap together (or his parents make him) just long enough to pass a drug test and make your life miserable. Document anything that happens and have witnesses that are preferably non biased (not your family). In the end do what you need to do to protect yourself and the kids. I am so sorry you are going through this crap.

TJ1979

I'm so sorry cq.  This is such an unfair situation and you do not need all this stress right now.  Personally, I'd stick with a small party.  Thank the ILs for the diapers and the offer, but no thanks.  She only gets one first bday, and you will regret it forever if it ends up all drama and no fun.  Sending big hugs and lots of strength your way.

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CLLDLL

I'm sorry CQ. That sucks big-time.

I think I'd think about what was best for my kids. If they'd be disappointed to not have a big party then I'd suck it up and do it. (So like did you have a big party for Colton, but Harper might look back on pics and feel slighted?)

Otherwise I'd just throw a smaller party if you think it will be NBD for Harper.

candlequeen

I talked to my mom and we decided to suck it up and do the damn party but this is it. No more until he pays and if Colton asks to stn the answer is no. He'll get over it he's 3. I know that's his daddy but drugs are not ok

candlequeen

SecretAgentKate said:

are the inlaws drama too or do they at least see the problems with their son?  is it possible to invite them to the small party and have them be civil or would that just end up a cluster?

(sorry for the underline.  it won't turn off)

The mom is a HUGE enabler and turns a blind eye but my FIL has a minute amount of Common sense.

candlequeen

Chickypoo2468 said:

Nana_Osaki06 said:

Also, if he hasn't paid support I'd talk to your lawyer. I personally wouldn't be letting him see the kids unless he paid support.

This is a catch 22 tho. If you go in looking like you are keeping the kids from him that looks bad. Even if it's the right thing to do. The drug issue might matter more, but it's so hard to tell what the "right" thing to do is.

Definitely write all this down tho.

I've been documenting since Nov 2013

nanabanana06

Chickypoo2468 said:

Also, if he hasn't paid support I'd talk to your lawyer. I personally wouldn't be letting him see the kids unless he paid support.

This is a catch 22 tho. If you go in looking like you are keeping the kids from him that looks bad. Even if it's the right thing to do. The drug issue might matter more, but it's so hard to tell what the "right" thing to do is. Definitely write all this down tho.

Yes, it can be. This is why I said to talk to the lawyer first. However, until there is a court ordered CS and visitation order things are a little weird. Plus add in the drugs and other things it doesn't sound like a good situation. Right now he's not supporting his kids, so in my mind he doesn't get to see them. You have to bear with me here in my thinking though. I personally am just pulling my thoughts, I've never done anything like this. My personal situation with this sort of thing is limited as my ex is not in the picture at all.

tjkdlhb

No advice.  But wanted to send love to you!

candlequeen

You guys are so supportive *sniff sniff :x

TJ1979

Well it's kind of mandatory for us to support our "most supportive" poster.

candlequeen

But I've been such a B lately

ElleBeeDub

(Hugs) CQ! I agree with PPs that you need to do what's right for you. The situation sucks no matter what, so the only right answer is the one that works best (as possible) for you and the kids.

freezorburn

So sorry you are going through this! I don't know anything about this family law stuff but I hope it goes your way. You need something legally binding so that you can deal with these situations with some clarity. Like, I don't get how your STBXH can offer to kick in $100 for decorations when he hasn't paid CS for basic necessities? Makes no sense to me.

Amores0121

Child support and visitation are two separate things so don't let it be known that you are keeping them from him b/c of support. At least in my state, you are not allowed to withhold visitation bc of back support. However, if he's an addict, I would just say that's the reason why you keep them, you fear for the safety of your kids.

IMO, just b/c he lives with the in-laws doesn't mean he can't expose the kids to something or do something dumb while they are there.  Good luck with everything!

candlequeen

exactly! Not to mention that $100 is nothing! The cake itself is $80. Also wanted to add that he just texted a half ass attempt at am apology. Jackass! X(

Aurora_Borealis

I'm sorry you're going through this CQ. Keep documenting and get thee to a lawyer as soon as you can. Having a legal framework for dealing with this sort of stuff will be very helpful

And I'm calling BS on your MIL. Who makes birthday party plans for their grandchild without first consulting with the child's mother??? (Okay, my MIL would do this except the only thing preventing her is that she knows DH & I would flip the f out).

Anyway, I'm thinking of you.

candlequeen

Aurora_Borealis said:

I'm sorry you're going through this CQ. Keep documenting and get thee to a lawyer as soon as you can. Having a legal framework for dealing with this sort of stuff will be very helpful

And I'm calling BS on your MIL. Who makes birthday party plans for their grandchild without first consulting with the child's mother??? (Okay, my MIL would do this except the only thing preventing her is that she knows DH & I would flip the f out).

Anyway, I'm thinking of you.

Back when things were a little more civil we talked about having Harper's party at the church since Colton's first party was there too. So I think since she hasn't seen them since March 8 She went ahead and booked the church to sort of force me to let them see the kids.

zaraceligon

I'm sorry. Be strong and stay calm. Most important don't allow him to see your kids with out supervision. Honestly I will not let him see them, just because of the drugs addiction. That's his fault and he chose things to be the way. Also it he gives you money good it he doesn't good. The main point it's the you are the main person how has to takecare of your child's. Be strong and show love to your kids. That's what's important, whatever he will be doing now and in the feature don't let it affect you. But please don't let him see your kids. The rason I'm telling you not to let him see the kids, is because my causin daughter was victim of child abuse. She was only five years old and the asshold the abuse of her is a addicted to cocain.

candlequeen

Thanks @zaraceligon‌ I feel the same. He will see them at the bday party but only bc my family will be there.

haileyq

Although I feel like I have no place to chime in here as I mostly lurk, I'm an ER RN and the biggest mistake I see people making in instances like these is NOT having a legal paper trail. If he wasn't giving you Colton, call the police. Having as much documentation in the legal sense as possible will be the difference when it comes down to it. Get close to your lawyer and document as much as you can, and good luck. The best thing my mom ever did for my brother and I was leave an addictive, abusive husband behind and we've never blamed her once.

candlequeen

Hailey, you have every right to chime in! my mom called the police when he didn't give him back. He's been locked up several times in the past. Once for putting his hands around my throat while I was pregnant with Harper and another time bc he threw loose change at me so hard it left marks. He's also on probation for having weed in his truck. I'm hoping all these things help me out. Good for your mom! She sounds amazing!

Mandmeesh

Hugs. I agree with the others about documentation. You're doing the right thing, and make sure the paper trail backs that up.
When is her birthday again? M's is the 16th

candlequeen

Mandmeesh said:

Hugs. I agree with the others about documentation. You're doing the right thing, and make sure the paper trail backs that up.
When is her birthday again? M's is the 16th

25th!

CeCe8579

It looks like you got some good advice! I know I'm still a newbie and mostly lurk but I went through the same thing with my ex husband a few years ago so if I can help in any way, please let me know!

TugboatSheila

No advice just wanted to say sorry you are going through this!

candlequeen

Iloveshanej said:

It looks like you got some good advice! I know I'm still a newbie and mostly lurk but I went through the same thing with my ex husband a few years ago so if I can help in any way, please let me know!

You're not a newbie if I recognize your name

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candlequeen

Yes Yes I realize I'm not the decision maker here. Lol