This is a long one... Is it fair that I am so angry with my DF and others right now?

Jellybean71514

I'm really glad my fiancé has been so strong it's helped me over the weeks but I feel like as I get through the anger right now I'm so furious that he can just move on and resume life as it was- he and I had a fight last night because he feels the anger and I can't describe it so well to him because I feel bad saying it out loud to him- the constant thoughts in my head of the time I spent pregnant and feeling my baby kicking and giving birth along with the physical attributes left like not fitting into my pp clothes, the ongoing bleeding I feel won't ever end and the constant tangible reminders like emails telling me how big my boy is today and the mail....hospital bills, Parents magazines, baby coupons ....I feel this has all changed me and I want to see the difference in my life as I pull myself together that the change will be good after all of the bad I want us to go on and get married, finish the house, find a new job for myself and eventually TTC again but I feel like he is just going right back to living life as he did before this happened not making much more of an effort to help push along all of these things with me when I just want them all to happen like yesterday, I just want to move on - he tells me he's sad and angry too but he only has a memory of our son, I feel like I have the heavier weight and I envy him-
I sound crazy I know but I'm just so angry people have moved on like none if this happened and then there's me of course ....I still get the pity looks and 'you will have another baby' speech again and again .... my future MIL also felt the need to show me new FB pictures of her 3 month old granddaughter this past weekend like WTF?! Her grandson, my son, is gone.. why the hell would I want to look at baby pictures of your other new 'living' grandchild??? The best is she tells me she lost a child too but back then she never saw the baby and didn't even know the sex of the baby ..but even so ..if she could relate to what i'm going thru then why the hell would she do that to me??? Again it's almost like they act as if none of this is a big deal, like it didn't happen.... sorry to go on about this and this is so long but it's just weighing me down and needed to get it out.

Bgirma

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Please know that you are not alone in feeling the anger, envy, guilt.. Whatever it is! It is so normal to have a roll coaster of emotions and have it cause stress in your relationship.

Are you and our fiancé in counseling? My husband and I have gone together a few times and it's been really helpful for both of us. It's helped us understand that we will grieve differently and that's okay. I try to remember that even though my husband and I both lost our son, we had different experiences. I felt every movement, had my body change and gave birth. And like you were describing, in addition to dealing with the normal postpartum emotions, we are also grieving. It's a different but still difficult for our partners. I try to think from his perspective- how hard it must be to feel like he has to be strong for me all of the time, how hopeless and powerless he must have felt to not only lose his son but also watch me go through the pain of childbirth. My husband shared that he feels like he had so much less time with our son than I did. On the days that I feel jealous that he doesn't have to deal with the postpartum body or emotions, I remember how lucky I am that I got to carry our son for 39 weeks and bond with him during that time.

Again, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and please know that you aren't alone. This is so difficult. ((Hugs))

bunnybun4

what you are experiencing is totally normal. 

Frequently on this board you will see posts about how DH is grieving differently or how DH has just moved on...I think it is really, really common.  I think men just process their grief completely differently than we do.  I found it extremely helpful to to see a grief therapist together...once I heard him speak out loud about his feelings and grief I finally did realize that he WAS grieving and was doing ok...even though it looked nothing like the way I grieved.  Before I just thought that he wasn't processing it and was just moving on like nothing had happened...and he wasn't...DH always constantly tells me that in all of this I am his top priority...he is worried about me and how it has affected me...so I think that a lot of times he feels he has to be the strong one and not show emotion so that I don't fall apart.

I struggle with anger A LOT still...and I am well over a year out.  I can get my feelings hurt or be angry over the smallest thing that wouldn't have even made me bat an eyelash before all of this.  All of this is just really hard...and it is frustrating when you are dealing with your loss plus stupid other things like not being able to get off your baby weight (with no baby to show for it!!!).  I rememeber being sooooo angry about that so I can really feel where you are coming from.  Just know that in time it does get better.  Hang in there.  ((hugs))

Jellybean71514

Bgirma said:

I try to think from his perspective- how hard it must be to feel like he has to be strong for me all of the time, how hopeless and powerless he must have felt to not only lose his son but also watch me go through the pain of childbirth. My husband shared that he feels like he had so much less time with our son than I did. On the days that I feel jealous that he doesn't have to deal with the postpartum body or emotions, I remember how lucky I am that I got to carry our son for 39 weeks and bond with him during that time.

This is what he said to me exactly .... He envies my time I had with our son and also trying so hard right now to be strong for me and hates seeing me like this. I guess some days it's just hard and I guess I look at him going about his day and I get jealous. No we haven't gone for counseling aside from attending a support group which he didn't say anything at. I have been thinking more that we need the extra one on one time with a therapist- plan to start looking for one. Thanks for listening xo

marylaurena said:

All of this is just really hard...and it is frustrating when you are dealing with your loss plus stupid other things like not being able to get off your baby weight (with no baby to show for it!!!).  I rememeber being sooooo angry about that so I can really feel where you are coming from. 

Thanks for listening it is just so frustrating .... and yeah the baby weight seems so dumb for me to focus on that and get upset over it but I've always been thin so not being able to wear any of my jeans right now makes me so angry esp not having a baby to show for it- as the bleeding subsides I will be starting the gym next week even if it's just light walking for now hoping that helps motivate me xo

TeamWinForever

I think that the anger is perfectly normal. Today was an angry day for me as well. I'm not sure if it's because today marks three weeks since Fiona's birth, but it was not a good day. I found myself angry with my husband because he was having a decent day at work, I was mad at my body for still being in pain 3 weeks post c-section,and mad at the world that we are going to have to wait much longer to ttc because of the surgery. I think it's fair to be angry, but I try hard to apologize to my husband once I feel less angry and am better able to articulate my thoughts. I never want him to feel that I am actually mad AT him, because usually he's just bearing the brunt of my anger at the world. I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well, but know that you aren't alone.

Jellybean71514

TeamWinForever said:

I try to apologize to my husband once I feel less angry and am better able to articulate my thoughts. I never want him to feel that I am actually mad AT him, because usually he's just bearing the brunt of my anger at the world.

I do this too! So comforting to see all of you have gone thru or going thru the same as I am right now. Thanks for listening xo

OSUWifey09

***TICKER***


I agree with the others. My H and I went through the same thing when we lost Devon. He was back at work within a week and barely talked about it after that. It wasn't until recently that he opened up to me about how he truly felt about losing Devon, and I've just let him work through it his own way with his own people. We both handle death and grieving so differently, and I also resented him for how quickly he was able to move forward. What was important was that he supported me as I took my time to move forward, and he did that. I know it's hard right now, but my hope is that it gets easier and that the both of you find a way to work through your pain together. *hugs*

milb11

*hugs* to you! I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I also have been very eager to move things along in my life to try and get to where I want to be or feel I should be since the loss. I think it is frustrating because we have changed as a result of losing a child, but it is almost like your life does go back to how it was before you were pregnant. For me, this has been a huge disconnect and a source of stress/frustration. I was preparing to take care of a child. I was preparing to be a mom. I was preparing to be a family. I still want all those things (more than ever now) but my life is no longer moving in that direction. Outwardly it has gone back to how everything was before I was pregnant. I hate it. I don't know if any of that makes sense. I've reread it over and over. It sounds like rambling to me, but I just don't know how to best articulate this urgency to move in one direction with my life but it just seems like it has gone backwards.  

Jellybean71514

OSUWifey09 said:

***TICKER***


What was important was that he supported me as I took my time to move forward, and he did that.

I agree that is so important and he has been doing that so I'm lucky I guess to have him to lean on. Thanks for listening xo

milb11 said:

* I was preparing to take care of a child. I was preparing to be a mom. I was preparing to be a family. I still want all those things (more than ever now) but my life is no longer moving in that direction. Outwardly it has gone back to how everything was before I was pregnant. I hate it. I don't know if any of that makes sense. I've reread it over and over. It sounds like rambling to me, but I just don't know how to best articulate this urgency to move in one direction with my life but it just seems like it has gone backwards.  

This is me 'exactly' right now and I hate it, I wanted to be a mom and a family- it's just so hard to readjust all of my thoughts I was so used to thinking and preparing for while I carried him. Now I think constantly about TTC again and the fear sets in that it may never happen, esp at my age bc I'm 38 so I get the sense of urgency ...even though I had no issues conceiving him, I feel I may now have an issue bc I want it so badly or that something like this will happen again... it all just really sucks. I'm sorry your are having the same feelings right now but appreciate you reaching out to let me know you understand xo