Toddler Behavior

mdiblasi10

This might be long. Sorry!

My little man has been extra clingy, both to me and to his teacher at school, for the past two weeks. I used to be able to drop him off and he would go right in and start playing with the other kids. Now the teacher has to pry him off of me Of course, it's hard on me leaving him like that. He doesn't cry though, so it's not terrible. I am assuming it's just a phase. His teacher said they have a couple new kids in the class and one of them is clingy because she is having a tough time. She thought that G is seeing that and wants to be cuddled too. 

He has also been "written up" a few times for biting. He isn't breaking skin or bruising the other child, thank goodness, but he is definitely in the hitting/biting/pulling hair phase right now. Sigh. It is really hard on me when I get those notes and when his teacher talks to me about it. She said he was especially aggressive yesterday. I feel riddled with guilt, even though I feel like DH and I are doing everything we can. He does do this at home too, and we tell him "no hitting/biting/etc" and that teeth are for eating. We also work with him on "gentle" and have for a long time. He is great with our kitties and dog. His teacher was surprised to hear that. She said typically the hitters/biters are aggressive with their pets. We usually walk away from him or put him down if he continues hitting, so he is not getting attention for it. He also gets a "time out" when necessary. I know part of it is language. The other kids are older and saying more. We make sure to encourage him to use his words, and he completely understands when I say that to him, because he will say or sign what he wants. I assume the other part is just the normal toddler phase. We don't spank and won't and aren't using "aggressive" gestures around him. When I talk to his teacher, she makes me feel (and it could just be me and my hormones) like this isn't normal. So, am I doing something wrong?  Is this really normal or should I be more concerned? Any other suggestions we are not thinking of?

Thanks ladies. Phew. I definitely needed to get that all out!

imoverit

Hugs. That is not easy. I do think its very normal behavior for a toddler and it sounds like you are doing what you can. Does the teacher offer any suggestions?

TJ1979

Oh M. Big hugs dear. It's hard to think of our LOs not being perfect. As the mom of a bitee, I can tell you that it must be normal for toddlers to bite. E has been bitten at school tons of times.
And if it makes you feel better, E is sweet as can be to other kids, but hits and bites me, my belly, and one of the cats. So I don't think you can say all toddlers are aggressive to all pets plus humans, or they are not. That's just not how it works.
I think you are doing everything you can. Are they monitoring the children well enough? Is there a specific time he is biting? E almost always got bitten in relation to food. They obv weren't watching the children close enough during meals. Transition times are common times for things like that to happen. So maybe he needs more space or warning when they are transitioning?

amd1982

I have two friends right now who are dealing with their toddlers biting - I think it is VERY normal so please please don't worry and don't beat yourself up. We dealt with this a couple months ago, a little earlier than most I think, because we have two kids. So they were biting each other often, and we had to figure it out at a slightly earlier age. Honestly, I think they grow out of it. Ours really don't seem to into it anymore. I think you're doing all of the right things - don't draw attention, because lord knows they LOVE a reaction at this age, reinforce "nice" and "gentle" and time outs are an unfortunate necessity. FWIW I think you are doing everything correctly, and I'm somewhat surprised the teacher is acting like this is abnormal behavior. Children are very oral beings - they love putting things in their mouths, testing the waters, etc. And to top it off, they're getting these really interesting chompers in their mouths that they don't understand are meant to tear flesh! hehe. I'm being primitive, but you catch my drift. Everything to kids is new, and while they do understand the word no at an early age, they don't understand the "why" until a later age. I have a feeling it will be something that is grown out of. Just keep reinforcing the good behaviors and I think this will become a distant memory before you know it!

mdiblasi10

Thanks ladies.

@imoverit I did ask her if she had any suggestions. She told me she had some literature on it from the last time she had a hitter/biter in the class and would look for it. That reminds me that I should follow up and ask her for it.

@TJ1979 it sounds like he is doing it when he wants something another child has or when another child is trying to take something from him. That's a big reason why we both think the language thing comes into play. He is still learning how to communicate with the other kids using his words rather than being physical.

Ruthie04

So normal!! If it makes you feel better, I have two children who have the exact same parents/ schedule/ disciplinary philosophy...One bites, one doesn't. It's just how they deal with frustration. DS1 usually bites when DS2 is in his space or takes something. Same with hitting. DS2 never hits or bites, but he does do things to intentionally provoke DS1 (like taking his lovey to get him to chase him). I am not comfortable with corporal punishment, so we do time outs and redirection. The thing is, I can only do so much with him right now, as his little brain can't handle more complex forms of redirection. So, we do our best to figure out why he is mad and voice his frustration so he can put words to those feelings. We also encourage them to walk away when the other is causing him grief. We don't have to worry about day care and other children right now, so I don't have the same impetus to address it and I know that makes a difference for you. DS1 is also on the slower side of language and I think that might have something to do with the aggression as well.

I think you are doing a good job and I'd try not to beat yourself up so much! Even their pedi said it's totally normal. Some aggression is a result of a chaotic family environment, but not in your LO's case.

TJ1979

We had to do a lot of work with E on sharing.  Everything was "no no, MINE!"  So we do a lot of work on sharing every day.  I ask her if she wants to share something I have, she says yes, and I say okay, it's E's turn and give it to her.  Then I tell her "now it's Mommy's turn" and I take it back.  She gets very upset, so we only do it for like a minute at a time.  E gets a turn, daddy gets a turn, mommy gets a turn.  We do it at least once a day, just to practice sharing.  She's still not great at it, but when we tell her she has to share something with someone, she almost always will hand it over now.  Of course she expects them to share it back, but we're working on longevity.    Maybe something like that will help G?

mdiblasi10

So, I talked to his teacher again and did some reading, and it sounds like things are already getting better. The good news is that some of the older kids are moving to the next classroom and some of the kids he used to be with are moving up to his class. Once these transitions settle down, I think it will be easier on him. He hasn't had any other incidents and we have been really working on "using his words." It seems to be helping as he's been copying words we say a lot lately. I also feel better now that I talked to his teacher more. She said that she would be extra vigilant with him and is giving him a lot of extra love and hugs during this time.

Thanks again for everyone's suggestions

TJ1979

Great update @mdiblasi10!  I'm glad to hear things are looking better.