WWYD - Strangers and IF

TJ1979

So I'm at that stage of pregnancy where everyone feels the need to tell me every pregnancy or baby related story they know.  Charming really.  I'm so happy to know that a random stranger in the parking garage's daughter had a baby.  This really affects my life. 
Anyhow... So I was at the gym yesterday after my prenatal yoga class (go me!) changing back into my work clothes, and this naked lady comes and sits down on the bench next to me and starts asking about the baby... do I know what I'm having, when am I due, etc.  Okay, fine, people are interested. (Maybe throw on some undies though, k?)  Then she starts telling me that her daughter has been trying and trying to get pregnant, but hasn't had any luck.  I respond "poor girl, I know that's rough."  Then she says "I keep telling her just to quit trying so hard, and then she'll get pregnant."  Ugh, that dreaded line! 
I just looked at her blankly, swallowed my rage, put on my earrings, and walked away.  (I did say to have a nice day after she said good luck to me.  I'm not a heartless B.)  But now I feel bad for her daughter.  This woman has no idea how hurtful and stupid advice it is to "quit trying so hard."  Would you have said something?  Or left it alone?

kzawisl

I usually say something, gently. Not sure they always listen, but I feel better having said something. I usually just say something along the lines of, "Sometimes it isn't that easy. It isn't just about trying vs not trying, or worrying vs not worrying. People are dealing with legitimate medical issues."

TJ1979

That's a good response.  I wish I was better at thinking on my feet.

TJ1979

@Bellalou32 At my job, there's no telling who the naked woman next to you on the bench might be.  So I try to keep my mouth shut when I can.  But now I wish I had said something.  I feel bad for her daughter.

TJ1979

bellalou32 said:

Well, hopefully it'll work out for her. Wonder how long she's been having issues.

I know!  I also kinda wanted to be nosy, and always wish I could help others with IF.  But if her mom is clearly clueless, then even if she is pursuing treatments I doubt she shares much with her mom.  I know I wouldn't.  (And I didn't.  As much as she tried to be supportive, my mom was clueless as well.)

itsmevkb

I would have said something and probably something like "yea, my mom used to tell me that too but relaxing doesn't really cure my husband's sperm issues."  I would have said it in a joking way to keep the conversation light but I'm sure using the word "sperm" would have gotten her attention ;-)

TJ1979

Haha, very nice @itsmevkb. 

ccam

If I worked up the nerve, my response would probably have been something like, "sometimes it's just not that easy".  There are a lot of situations that I look back on and wish I had the balls to say more.

mdiblasi10

TJ1979 said:

That's a good response.  I wish I was better at thinking on my feet.

I am not good at thinking on my feet either. I always think of something better to say after the fact. But now you can come up with options on how to respond and say it next time

I feel that if she is being so open about it, why not be straight forward and honest right back, ya know? Plus she was sitting there naked. I can't imagine she would have been offended by anything you said LOL.

TJ1979

Good point @mdiblasi10!

TJ1979

I won't even chat with MH while I'm naked.  Let alone a stranger.  But I'm ridiculously self conscious.

imoverit

I can not even answer this post seriously because I cant get past the fact that a naked woman was talking to you. Lmbo!!! Wth?!

TJ1979

@richzep That's the main reason I walked away.  I have a tendency to come off harsher than I intend.  And even though I would have liked to school her in a non-rude way, I was upset and it definitely would have come off as ugly.

trigirl79

i'm not terrible at thinking on my feet, but i'm trying to filter so i probably would have just said something along the lines of "yep, unfortunately it's not that easy for everyone" but would love to say more. so many people, including family, said this to me when we were TTC #1 and i got to the point of walking away before i said something really nasty or throat punched them. also, i HATE talking to people naked. seriously woman, put some damn clothes on!

Ruthie04

imoverit said:

I can not even answer this post seriously because I cant get past the fact that a naked woman was talking to you. Lmbo!!! Wth?!

Same here. Did she fully wipe down the bench she sat on? I just cannot even process this without thinking about the sanitation issue. Cannot even deal. 

TJ1979

@MrsLee04‌ That is an excellent point. I wish I had thought of that

@Ruthie04‌ she did set a towel on the bench before she sat down. So there's that at least.

kzawisl

Well....apparently I am not so eloquent IRL. Yesterday a mom I know tangentially made some horrible statements about a woman she knows who is battling IF. The one that sent me over the edge was "she can't have kids because she is fat and doesn't do anything about it."

Instead of using one of the statements listed above.....I told her she was a complete b****.

Whoops.

TJ1979

Hahahaha, oops @kzawisl.

See, that's why I kept my mouth shut and walked away.  I cannot control myself.

kzawisl

See, I was torn between "honesty is the best policy", and "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." clearly I went with the former.

TJ1979

kzawisl said:

See, I was torn between "honesty is the best policy", and "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." clearly I went with the former.

My mama always taught me "If you don't have anything nice to say... come sit by me."

amd1982

Sometimes it depends on what kind of mood i'm in and also who the person is - if i feel like talking and they seem nice, i say "well, often times it's not that easy. I know from experience." however there are so many times i'm either in a rush or just generally annoyed (haha, yes i AM  a heartless B sometimes!) that i just give a look like "i think what you just said is generally really stupid" and walk away. good for you for just taking off, and saying have a nice day! i would have felt bad for the daughter too, but chances are she's a tad too ignorant to really listen to what you would have had to say anyway.

Mnerani

I would have said something. Not because her perspective makes me furious (it doesn't because I just see it as blissful ignorance- lucky her!) but because if someone is clearly so eager to talk about it, then I'm eager to help them see a different perspective.

In addition to realizing that fertility is not an issue of impatience, she would also benefit from a reminder that you never know who you are talking to. 

For example, many years ago, I said out loud- "being a truck driver would be the worst job in the world!" and a guy in the car said "my dad is a truck driver." I felt so bad that from then on, I always consider that the person I'm talking to might be going through the very thing I'm speaking about. Naked lady may not realize that lots of women she's talking to about this "problem" may have faced/ be facing it too.

Bottom line? It's never your "job" to educate people, but if they are eager to talk about it, you should feel free to mention whatever you want.

Dragonfly1226

I would usually say something. In this case the nakedness might have kept me from extending the conversation.