Late Term and Child Loss

where do you find yourself in the grieving process? long...

jonahsmajonahsma member
edited April 2014 in Late Term and Child Loss
This is a question I ask my husband every once in a while, and every time I would tell him where I was which was denial. I would walk around trying to somehow act like it was all a bad dream, because I thought that the more I thought of it the more it was real. I would repeat over and over again " this never happened to me, this never happened, it s not real." it was easier to deal with, if it didn't happen then it wouldn't hurt as bad I wouldn't break down. I put a barrier up and behind that barrier was all of my emotions.
So where am i in the grieving process?
I pray often and yesterday I had this overwhelming feeling of peace and acceptance. I accept what has happened.I may never understand why this has happened but I accept it. The barrier has come down and I feel like I am in a good place. I know grief comes in waves but this is where I am today and I pray God continues to keep me here with a heart full of peace. Thanks for reading this long post..
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.psalm 94:19

Re: where do you find yourself in the grieving process? long...

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    May God continue to grant you the peace that doesn't always make sense. Peace doesn't mean forgetting, but it does quiet the restless heart. So thankful that today you are at peace.

    You may still have days where you go back and forth. Grief is just like that. But hold on to the memory of moments like this when you have bad days.

    I have more days of peace, but there are still days it hits hard, very hard. I still cannot believe some days she is gone from us. 
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  • Right now, I tend to yo-yo between pain & guilt and anger & bargaining on a pretty regular basis. I think I am past the shock and denial for the most part (though sometimes I still find myself questioning if it really happened or was all just a terrible nightmare).

    I may be moving toward depression, reflection, and loneliness, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Lots of tears still, sometimes anger. Mostly pain. I do feel a sense of peace about things often, but it doesn't take away the pain that I feel and how much I miss her.

    I'm glad that you are in a good place right now @jonahsma and pray that you will find a continued sense of peace amidst the up and downs of your grief journey.
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  • I have also been at a place of peace lately. I don't understand, but also realize that there are just some things that aren't meant for me to understand (at least not right now). I know that God will see me through, I just have to continue to lean on Him. I have bad days, like  yesterday where I broke down in bed because I missed Elijah so much, but I'm actually to a point where it seems the good days outweigh the bad and even on bad days, they aren't bad the entire time. I also realize that grief comes in waves and am not naive enough to think I am in the clear with it yet. I honestly don't know if I ever will be...

  • I am so glad you have gotten to a place of peace and acceptance and I hope that continues for you. 

    As for me, unfortunately, I think I am a long way away from there.  I still have many fluctuations in how I feel on a day to day basis.  Pain, sadness, and an emptiness from missing my baby are probably most central.  But I also have periods of denial where I think this all just has to be a bad dream. I also have periods of anger, but my anger is generally short lived. 

    Everything is still new to me and I know that I have a lot to work through.  I keep praying that I allow myself the time to grieve and I work through this as healthily as possible. 
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  • Today it has been 4 weeks thinking 4 weeks ago on that Monday is when I gave birth and lost Joseph. The past few days have been rough for me, I haven't done much more than stay in bed or move to the couch in front of the TV- I go back and forth with anger, loneliness and overall depression. I've had the feelings of denial and guilt in the past few weeks but those don't weigh me down as much because I know this is my reality and not having any medical reason that this happened makes it hard to feel guilt other than knowing it was my body that let him go regardless if they weren't able to find anything wrong. I feel like I'm just in a really dark place everything feels really heavy, I'm trying my best to get myself together and keep saying I'm going to go out but just don't have the energy. I have a list of plans to get rid of the baby weight, go to a gym and even do stupid stuff like get my oil changed in my car but I keep putting it off. It's strange because in the past few weeks I've gone out and at times felt ok but then this huge wave just knocked me down over the weekend so hoping I will pick myself up this week and make a plan to function and keep busy. Sorry this sounds so depressing but it's just where I am today hoping tomorrow is better : ) xo
  • Grief is so crazy and it is definitely not linear...I have found that I don't just check each step off and move ahead in a clean line.  While I make progress all of the time, there are many times where I take a step or several steps back and have to learn to cope with that step all over again. 

    Finding peace along the way is what gets you through the hard days.  I find the farther I get out the more peace I find and the more good days I have. 

    honestly there are some days I have to stop and remember that it really happened to me and that she isn't coming back.  but there are other days I feel her with me and it is the most peaceful, happy feeling in the world.

    glad you are feeling peace and moving though your grief.  ((hugs))

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  • I've reached...I don't know..maybe acceptance? I'm usually fine most days. Everyonce in a while I get an ache, and think about how she should be here and it's not fair. I cried a bit last night for the first time in a while. I'm just...mad she's not here. She should be.

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