Answers to Birthmom Questions- UPDATE

CarolinaGirl2014

The meeting was amazing! It felt good to talk so openly with people IRL. I've always been an over-sharer and I feel like that can be used for good as a birthmom. Feel free to ask more questions even though the meeting is over. Also, I just started a blog as a place to share my many thoughts and not bombard you all with vents and musings I decided to start a new thread to answer the questions you asked- they were great for deciding how to speak this Tuesday. Hoping these might help someone here! This is very long. If anyone thinks of other questions, feel free to ask. I'm not sensitive about these things and it helps me to help others.

Why did YOU choose open adoption?

I initially thought that I wanted a semi-open adoption. I was afraid the factors at play in my life that made adoption the best choice would cause more hurt and confusion for her until I realized from a birthmom I met on here that I could have an open adoption and still shield her from much of my life. It was important for me to be able to look her in her eyes and tell her how much I loved her and wanted her, and be able to answer any questions she may have. I chose adoption because I love her so much, so for me it felt like abandonment to completely disappear from her life and not be there when she needed me most. Every time I hold her, tell her how much I love her, and she smiles in response, I know I did the right thing. She absolutely knows who her mom is, but she also has a special bond with me and I KNOW our level of openness has helped to ease her separation from me 

How has it benefited you?

In those early days after the adoption it felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. Knowing that it wasn't goodbye and that I could see her again in a matter of days felt amazing. The daily texts and pictures in those early days felt like a lifetime to her. It felt like I wasn't missing everything because I knew EXACTLY what was going on in her life. We have much more distance now, but I still get to hear about her developments regularly and that helps. It also helps to see how happy she is with her mom and dad. The constant reassurance that I did the right thing has been a huge factor in how surprisingly well I'm doing.

How has it been hard for you?

Sometimes it's hard to be so involved yet still on the outside, if that makes any sense. I'm so very close to her Mom and Dad and part of the family, but still not part of their immediate family. Visits and updates remind me of that.

What level of openness do you have, and is it at the level you're comfortable with?

We are VERY open- initially had visits every 5-7 days, then moved to every other week, now moving to every 3-6 weeks. I get a formal update once a week, but we text during the week when our hectic schedules allow. We also have a very close relationship where we share things like family would. I'm very comfortable with it. Part of me always wants more, but I'm happy with this level as I know it's best and is sustainable.

You said you know already that all 3 sides have benefited. In what ways?

I shared how myself and my daughter have benefited. I can't speak entirely to her mom, but she has shared how nice it is to have someone to talk to who gets it. In the early days when A had such terrible colic and everyone's mentality was basically "babies have colic" she could talk to me and I got how concerned she was. We brainstormed together about solutions and I rejoiced with her more than anyone when she made improvements. It helped her to have to have me in her life when we went through the scariness of the potential genetic disorder because I cared as much as her, but could take a step back, do some research she didn't have time for, and ease both of our fears. I have provided family history when needed, and she tells me that it's a blessing to have me in their lives regardless of A.

How did/does your family react to the idea of adoption in general, and open adoption in particular?

My family was surprisingly supportive. They did offer to adopt A themselves, but they are in their 50's and admitted that it would not be giving her everything she deserved. It has been painful for them, but our level of openness has helped. They don't openly say it, but live in constant fear of A's parents shutting them out of her life. I think the typical adoption model is so ingrained in our minds that it's hard to not find what we have weird. But it would be asinine to cut them out- they are wonderful, stable people who love A to pieces. They support her parents and would never do anything to undermine them. As A's mom put it, why on Earth would you cut out people that can provide more love for her? Overall, they love our open adoption.

Do you find you have/had to defend your plan to others? How did you do so?

Sometimes people give me weird looks, but I guess I just don't bother to explain it to them. Most people are surprised but after hearing how happy I, A's parents, and A are, they get that this is just what's best. I think A's parents get the harder end of it. People don't have to see my hurt or know me, so it's easy for them to question why someone who "didn't want her baby" would be so involved in her life. These are also the people that don't understand why an adoptee might have abandonment or attachment issues when adopted as an infant. They handle it by limiting these individual's exposure to our level of openness. Those who do matter (very close friends and family) have met me and seen us together, so they have no judgement.

How much BM really wants to hear about DS. Does it hurt her when I refer to him as my kid? Does she still think of him as hers, whether in addition to me or not at all?

I like not getting texts all day every day, because they can take me away from my life I'm working so hard to build and back to that life that revolves so completely around A. A nice, long, detailed weekly update and one to a few texts a week have been perfect for me. I think one of the best things you can do is set up the relationship so that if your son's BM is having a rough day she can text or email you for a quick pic/update. It does hurt when A's mom refers to A as her daughter, but it's a necessary hurt. A is her kid and I think like everything else it will get easier with time. I think of A as my daughter in my own world, but myself as simply her birthmom. I see her mainly as her Mom and Dad's.

How should an AP support the BM in the hospital?

A's parents loved on her in the hospital, but really focused on my needs. They supported me during labor, texted and called my family with updates so I didn't have to worry about it, and handled things like pictures. I needed to just focus on getting A out healthy. After, they looked after my needs. They brought me non-hospital food and offered alone time with her constantly. Most importantly, they took tons of pics which have been the best thing imaginable for me. That was a special time and I love the pics to remember it with. It helped me to have them there. I would nurse her and snuggle a bit and then hand her off for them to bond. Seeing them so happy and in love reassured me that I was making the right decision and made TPR possible.

What kind of photos do you like to see and what information did you enjoy hearing in letters?

I like mostly photos of her alone. Photos of her with family are good for sometimes, but mostly I just need to soak her in without other people staring back at me. I love close-ups of her face and pictures of her next to things so I can see how big she is. They sometimes send videos of her "talking" or laughing or doing her favorite games and these are great. I like hearing about her health (what/how much she's eating, how her tummy is), growth, development, sleeping habits, favorites, and an idea of what her days might look like.

Dr.Loretta

Thanks so much for sharing. I can't wait to hear how Tuesday goes

CarolinaGirl2014

@Dr.Loretta thank you!

@Spooko you made my day! I always wonder if my long-winded musings are odd or annoying, but I think of the massive help I got from the openness of amazing birthmoms and adoptive moms in this board.

maryoosa

This is amazing.

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sumati

Thank you so much for sharing

jelly718

What a beautiful piece you've written.  I want to be able to treat our BM with all of the sensitivity she deserves.  You've answered some of the questions that I had about how to act at the hospital when the baby is born.  I already think of her as my darling daughter, but the stark reality is, she belongs to our BM until she grants us the most precious of gifts, her baby.  I want to make sure that I do not make her feel any more uncomfortable than I imagine it already will be for her.  I truly appreciate all of your honesty and openness!

sgb721

This is so wonderful!!! Thank you for sharing and helping me gain even more respect from your point of view.

annalisel

Thank you for sharing. I've actually been wondering specifically about the last question recently. I appreciate the perspective and will follow your advice.