LO vs. MIL/going back to work/separation

JGo517

I'm cross posting this from my Nov '13 BMB because it was suggested that you all may have some advice about the separation issues LO is having. :-)  If you do, please share....I'm desperate!!! Thank you!!!
I don't even know what to title this post because there is just so much going on.  I've sat down probably about 100 times to write this and each time I get too upset and can't get myself to finish...but I need to get it off my chest and hear your thoughts and advice about what I should do....I know I'm not a "regular" (I can't for the life of me get my tickers, siggy and pictures to save!!!), but I post when I can and when I have something to contribute (that hasn't already been said).  I know there are a lot of people who have similar situations and I really need some help.  
That being said I'll give a little background first.  I am lucky to have been able to take some extra time off after my maternity leave ended.  I plan to go back in the middle of May and finish out the school year (~6 weeks).  My MIL is going to watch DD at my house for that time.  The same week DD was born my DH's grandmother (my mother in laws, mother in law) went into the hospital for a fall.  The nurses told my in laws that she has severe dementia (not alzheimer's) and shouldn't be living alone anymore.  Long story short, she now lives with my in laws, who are both retired.  I wont get into the dynamics of how that situation is going, but supposedly my MIL is having a difficult time.  

Here comes problem #1 - DD gets VERY upset whenever we are at my in laws. (she's perfectly fine with my family btw).  They all think they can soothe her and insist on trying, which makes it worse.   MIL frequently (like every time we speak) refers to my DD as "cranky pants" (she's really only cranky around them) or "chubby baby" (um, really? she's in the 60% for weight!).  I swear, not a single nice thing.  Yet, many times I have overheard my MIL talk about how she's excited to watch my LO.  DH and I have asked and offered (many times!!!) for her to come hang out with us and get to spend time with DD.  Yet she has come TWICE since January!!!! Yes, I know she has a situation at home that is difficult.  But she has a nurse coming 3 days a week, and my FIL is home as well.  We have even offered for her to bring his grandma over too...yet she doesn't come.  I wanted to give her time to adjust, but now I'm going back to work in less than 6 weeks....this week was my breaking point.  I invited her over for Tuesday, she said she couldn't.  So I called her on Wednesday and said I'm going to visit tomorrow.  IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!  DD purple face cried worse than when she got her shots at the doctor!!! It is literally the second DD lays eyes on her, she just bursts into tears and doesn't stop....It was painful to watch.  I don't know what it is that makes her cry EVERY TIME she sees her (other than DD doesn't really "know" her).  She smiled even for my FIL and the grandma.
So, on to problem #2 - going back to work.  As of now, MIL is planning on watching DD. I can't imagine leaving my little munchkin with her to cry like that all day.  I cried the entire way home and basically all night just thinking about it.  We have plans for MIL and FIL to come over Tuesday and Saturday next week, but if there isn't any change in DD's reaction to her when she sees her, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.  It's too late to find a day care around here. I can't just not go back to work this year (can I????) I feel like it will only make her separation in September even worse. 
DH knows about the problems and feels like his mom has been super stressed out with his grandma.  I feel like he needs to say something to his mom to get her butt in gear and spend some time with LO. (Oh, did I mention they are going on vacation for 12 days the end of the month??!! Even less time now!!)  I just don't know what else to do at this point.  The thought of my LO crying all day is breaking my heart.
Did anyone have similar crying issues with LO and certain people? or daycare drop offs? I need some positive thoughts here people.....I've been lucky to have been home this long, but we are both spoiled by this.  I know many of you have returned to work, I read all your posts months ago and was upset for you then too. What got you through it?   Please help me do the same!!
So, if you got through this long post, then thank you.  I have tried attaching a picture of my little cutie just for making it this far....hopefully it work!! 

JGo517

bearsbearsbears said:

Why are you expecting your MIL to do all the work and come to your place, especially when she is so stressed?  I would bring my child over there since, after all, this is for your (and your child's benefit).

I also wonder if you just don't like your MIL...if my MIL called my child crank pants or chubby, I wouldn't blink--but you're acting like she's calling her stupid.  What are YH's thoughts on this situation?  Does he think it's a real issue?  Is he concerned?

I'm not sure if you mean for visiting or once she is going to watch her.  If you mean once she is watching her in 6 weeks, she is 30 + min in the opposite direction of where DH and I would have to travel for work.  Also, we have brought LO over there MANY times since her birth. She purple face cries hysterically each time she has been there....we can't figure out why.  If eliminating the stress of being in a different environment could possibly be the cause, then why can't she come "visit" her grandchild??? The stress of having her own MIL living with her is no more than having her living there.

You couldn't be more wrong regarding my feelings about my MIL.  I have no problems with her at all.  We get along really well.  But when it seems that she has no positive comments to say about my DD, of course I am going to be sensitive to those negative comments that are made.  My DH agrees with me 100% regarding the situation with my DD.  He is at just as much of a loss as I am as to what we can do. WE have invited his mother over many times and he loves his daughter and doesn't want to see her cry either.

ASmallWonder

I think you're being obtuse. If my kid screamed bloody murder every time they were in my presence I'd call him a cranky pants too. He'll, I've called him worse for less lol Chubby babies are cuteness she didn't call her a fat ass.

I think you need to be blunt about the anxieties though. Acknowledge that she's got a lot going on but ask her if she could spend more time in your daughters comfortable place - her own home.

I wonder though-has anyone asked her is she even wants to watch her with this new change with grandma? She may be feeling overwhelmed at the idea and you may have to find a babysitter.

JGo517

wife07mom09 said:

where is care occurring? has your MIL cared for your child for an entire day? have you discussed what she will do? what you expect her to do? feed? soothe? park? activities? errands? no errands? etc?

these are huge to get sorted out.

it is odd that a 4 mo old has such severe seperation anxiety but how is she after you leave? My DD (now 4) even now fusses with my IL when I am there but calms when I leave.

DD has never been left with her for a whole day. I have never left her even as a trial because of the crying and because they haven't given the opportunity for it.

Care is at our house. She knows nothing else is expected except for basic care (feeding soothing changing playing) for those 6 weeks. I would love to be able to show her how our day is/routines. But I need her to spend some time with us in order to do that. She talks about how excited she is. Yet will not make plans to come visit. DH and I are both stumped.

She only cries like this for the In Laws. She met perfect strangers at my husbands job this week and didn't fuss once.

JGo517

elmoali said:

I think you need to be blunt about the anxieties though. Acknowledge that she's got a lot going on but ask her if she could spend more time in your daughters comfortable place - her own home.

I wonder though-has anyone asked her is she even wants to watch her with this new change with grandma? She may be feeling overwhelmed at the idea and you may have to find a babysitter.

It has come to my attention that we need to be sure of this now. So this is part of the plan. I'm not that great with "bluntness", I have tried so hard with inviting her and joking about taking a baby break to get out of the house. So in the event that she insists on still watching her, I need to know how to help my DD ( and myself) get through it. Any advice from a fellow working mom?

VOR

If you've never left your DD alone w/ MIL, you need to. And TELL MIL "as DD still seems to get upset, we need to practice me leaving and letting you handle her". Then leave for a 1/2 hour the first time. However I agree- you might also want to consider back up plans. Your MIL has a lot on her plate.

shannm

Are you positive that there are no openings in centers in your area?
No matter what the reason for your anxiety, whose fault, etc....it just doesn't sound like the best situation for your family and could cause serious issues in your relationship. In this situation, I vote to let grandma be grandma, not full time care giver. She has a lot on her plate.

Veittobe

Is your LO only this way with MIL or is she like that with others as well?  If she only cries like that when she sees your MIL then I would find another option for child care.  If she cries like that for everyone, then I think you just need to assess if MIL can handle taking care of both your LO and the family member with dementia and go from there.  

Typical separation anxiety is normal.  Especially when you are still in the room about to leave.  But if it is isolated to one person, then I wouldn't be too keen on making that my full time arrangement.  Call some centers.  Find another alternative.  They will have dealt with separation anxiety and will know how to help calm her better than I think your MIL would - IMHO.  

Good luck!

Maybride2

You really should have started calling daycares the week that your daughter was born, as the situation with your MIL had changed. No way would I be planning on having her watch your baby anymore - her plate is full now. She can't get to your house for a visit, what makes you think that in 6 weeks she'll be able to come to your house every day? Start calling daycares NOW. And yes, your daughter is getting to the age where they comprehend when mommy is gone, and she will probably be upset when you first start dropping her off with anyone. It will be an adjustment, but you'll both be fine.

thedash

The examples you have given us of your MIL's comments are fine. There's nothing "not nice" about calling a crying baby cranky pants or a cute baby a chubster.

You need to rip off the band aid here. Call MIL and say you need a trial run of babysitting ASAP. Schedule a haircut and pedicure for one day next week and leave them together for a few hours. The next day have DH call her and ask if she is honestly up for providing full time childcare with everything else she has going on. If not, get on care.com or call a nanny service.