Zelda Astrid Birth (& After) Story (benevolentforce)

benevolentforce

First off, I'm sorry for being a community dropout the past couple weeks. I just couldn't cope with being a FTM and using a computer. Speaking of which, Zelda Astrid was born nearly two weeks ago at 39+2 on Saturday, March 22nd at 7:53 pm. She weighed 6lbs 6ozs, was 19in long, and was 100% healthy (hooray!).

I was very lucky in labor: 9 hours long, progressing steadily over the course of 8 hours, with an hour of pushing, a first degree tear, and a healthy baby and mom at the end. We didn’t need any interventions (no IVs, limited monitoring), and Zelda never had a difficult moment (healthy heartbeat throughout, no cord entanglements). All that said, nothing I read prior (and I read a LOT) prepped me for the pain. I now realize this is because there aren’t really words for it. I found it to be simply otherworldly - especially the back/nerve parts. I made it through med-free using meditation, breathing and leaning on the support of my midwife and DH... but yeow! I had to go places in my meditation I've never been (at one point I was pretty sure I was in space), and I hate to sound dramatic, but at a couple points in transition I felt like I was losing my mind. Sounds impossible, but the experience was also all the things I hoped for - empowering, made me feel changed for the better, etc. In all, I’m glad I did it, but I can’t say I’d go so far as to recommend it (as it was recommended so strongly to me). It was a strange trip.

Stranger still though has been the last couple weeks - especially the first week. Prior to pregnancy, I'd cry maybe once a year. Even during pregnancy I had a good hormonal cry only a handful of times. The first week PP, I probably lost half my body weight in tears - happy tears, sad tears, frustrated tears, loving tears, hungry tears, tired tears. SO. MANY. FEELINGS. I seem to have normalized now, but I hadn't expected to be hit so hard in that way (again, despite all the reading/prep).  

I also didn’t feel prepped for the endurance sport that breastfeeding has been (and it has only been two weeks!). I don’t know what ladies in the old days who didn’t have pumps/formula/lactation consultants did. TMI, but my boobs were both so destroyed by day 5 (cracked, bleeding, hyper engorged) I really began to doubt that I’d be able to pull through to the other side of breastfeeding. Happily, we discovered with some help that a shallow latch is mostly to blame, and will probably be in play until Zelda’s at least a month old and has done some growing. In the meantime we’re pumping, and I’m healing and it’s working. Thankfully. I’m taking it a day at a time, and trying not to put too many lame, long-term expectations on myself or baby!

Thanks for listening (as always). Here’s a picture of my squish for your trouble. I'm so in love with her it's sickening.

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amdecker1016

Congratulations!

benevolentforce

Laura8388. It's good to be back!

Yeah - I don't think my crying days are over (maybe they never will be?), but it was out of control last week. My husband asked me how I was feeling earlier today, and I said "no one is crying so things are great." Yes, this is the new marker of good in our household.

nlane0723

Congrats!

ladyglittersparkles

Congrats

jbelle

Congrats!

sebullows

Congratulations!

katykatykaty

Congratulations!!! I was never a crier until I had DD... Apparently having her flipped some kind of crying switch because post-DD I cry all the time for all kinds of reasons. I hope things go back to normal for you, though.

kls33145

Congrats!!!
I'm also still crying way more than ever before, 7weeks pp! You're not alone!

You're a hero, going medfree! Way to go, mama!!!

She's precious!

AshleyO925

Congrats!

tsmith312

Congrats !! I've been dealing with the crying also ! Over EVERYTHING !! You are not alone !! She's absolutely beautiful !

rockopera

Congratulations!!

And yep, the crying. Happy, sad, he's too new, he's getting too big, everything. It's quite an experience. I feel bad for H because he just wants to fix things for me, but I just have to cry it out. There isn't anything to fix.

KariB509

Congrats!!
I also cry ALL THE TIME. And I ALWAYS wonder what women did before formula/LCs/etc! BFing is definitely hard!

benevolentforce

@katykatykaty, @kls33145, @Futuremrstonyasmith, @rockopera, @KariB509 - So glad to know I'm not alone!!! My poor DH has been trying to 'fix' it too, but there's nothing to do except cry it out most of the time.

@Baby1Dany Thank you for the name love! I've had a couple tactless family members tell me, unsolicited, they hate it and beg me to change it before it's 'too late' (they are admittedly traditionalists). I had to put the kibosh on that ish in a serious way! I don't care if they don't like it, but it's still nice to hear when someone does.

Sanibel21

Congrats! She is adorable!! Add me to the list of emotional softies. I mentioned on another thread that I can't even watch the news!!

ring_pop

Congrats! She is just beautiful!

I can relate to not being prepared for the pp hormones/crying the first time around. I remember telling DH that I was actually scared because I couldn't get a grip.

Her name is awesome!!

scrumpfy

I like her name too, and I LOVE her middle name.

theluckiest9

Congratulations! 'So many emotions' is right. The first two weeks, for me, were a roller coaster. We're 24 days out now and things have really evened out. I was never a crier either so I was taken aback by just how emotional I was.

jwls84

Congratulations!
With my first my boobs were destroyed for weeks! But it does get way better!!

LiFeIsAmIrAcLe

Wow. Reading your story reminds me so much of me. All of it.  Well, besides for your labor going so quickly and smoothly.  I was in labor for 3 days before they started the pitocin drip.  Went in hoping for med-free, and I was able to achieve that.....but like you I don't know that I'd ever recommend it, and I honestly don't know if I will ever choose to do that again if there's a second little one in my future.  It was the most horrendous pain I've ever been through, most specifically the back labor.  I don't know if it was worse because I wasn't allowed out of bed, and had to stay on my right side or my left side only.....possibly, but either way, it was the worst thing I've ever been through.  I had multi layer 2nd degree tearing, and I'm still sore 3 weeks PP. The one thing I can say is.....I was completely unprepared and very extremely naive in regards to my own recovery after labor.  I guess in my ignorance I just expected that after a couple days I would be feeling fabulous.  NOT so.  I hurt so badly for so many days afterwards, mostly because of the tear I assume.  Breastfeeding started as a challenge and even now 3 weeks later is still a challenge.  Like you, by days 5-7, my nipples were 100% open gashes, and I was to the point of quitting.  My mom suggested pumping one side and nursing the other, to give at least one a chance to heal.  That did help me.....now I am doing the other side.  But I have developed mastitis.....and my nipples are still completely open.  Her mouth is tiny so I think, just like with your little one, my issues are due to a shallow latch.  I'm considering pumping exclusively until both sides are completely healed.  I am so miserable. But I don't think that would work because sometimes when she's really tired all she wants is my boob in her mouth for 5 minutes and she knocks out.  So I'm lost on what to do there.  Oh....and as far as emotions go......I was a WRECK the first week. Literally crying all day every day. I went through every emotion possible. Not fully regretting having her, but questioning if the timing was even right and if I had made a huge mistake.  My hormones did eventually level out.....but honestly I was so unprepared for everything that came with having her.  

karacakes98

Congratulations!

gwentyler

Congrats!

WoodShopGirl

Congrats! I love how you describe breast feeding as an endurance sport! My LO is 2 weeks also (shares your LO's b-day) and this described it perfectly for me.

Here's to continuing in the sport!

Natty13umppo

Congrats!  Totally relate to the PP tears!  OMG....so much crying last time and I, too, am not really the crying type!  I don't know if it will return this go around or not, but at least I feel I'm prepared for it if it does!

jennybean80

Congratulations on your adorable girl!!

fish8412

Congrats!

benevolentforce

Thanks for all the kinds words, friends.

@ring_pop - I said the same thing to my DH (about not being able to get a grip). Unreal!

@scrumpfy - The middle name was hard to pick. We almost went with Imogen or Irene (for family reasons), but in the end just liked the flow/meaning of Astrid better.

@Anneplusone - I wish I had a village to help raise this one.

@LiFeIsAmIrAcLe - It’s like we have the same baby! I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time too. I hear you on the need to suck - my LO has it too.  If I can give her the boob, she is comforted.  When I give her the pumped bottle, she downs it in less than 10 mins (despite breaks for diaper change, slow flow nipples/Calma bottle, and breaks to burp after each half ounce), and then wants to suck for another 45 mins at least. It’s for this reason we finally gave her the pacifier (best decision ever).  The little booger just needs to suck… and since I can’t give that to her right now, I’m letting her have the pacifier. So far, even with the nipple/nipple+shield/bottle/pacifier merry go round, she hasn’t had any nipple confusion yet. She’ll literally take anything I try to stick in her mouth. Fingers crossed that stays true.

@WoodShopGirl - It is! It’s like the 20th mile of a marathon… but every 3 hours, without any sleep, and your nipples bleeding. I have joked to my DH that I’m going be unstoppable in my training after this because I’m developing mom-level toughness now.

@bearsbearsbears - YIKES! Reminding myself that I chose this was one of the things that kept me sane in the darkest moments. My DH says the look in my eyes at that point was as if I was having an out of body experience... in hell.

coreyeliz

Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl.