DH is making this damn near impossible!

pinksandbermuda

A little vent here. It's not entirely his fault, but of all the obstacles we have to get pregnant I didn't think dh would be one of them!
He told me up front he wanted ttc to be natural and not like we are "trying". Ok. So I've started charting and all of that but not telling him, hey it's go time.
Well for someone who complains that we should have more sex I thought it would be so easy. He was sick last month and now this month right when I O'd.
You go through all of this crap to figure out O day, peeing on opks ( all neg by the way) charting temps etc. Then I have to try to be " smooth" about it, and not OMG its time!
I'm not sure if next month I should sit him down and tell him that he needs to know what's going on. I'm getting very frustrated. But I don't want to ruin our sex life either. It seems to be a big turn off for him to know about all this ttc stuff.
Plus, FF changed my O date from Friday to
Sunday. The last time we had sex was Friday at like 2am before he got sick. So now I think we missed our chance this month. Ugh!!
Thanks for letting me vent.

HeathernSteven

Yea DH's can be a real PITA, several ladies have mentioned that DH doesn't want to know, wants it spontaneous etc etc. I think you just need to say, "when I say go, we go." and yea explain the process, my DH thought he knew all about it, until I sat him down and explained the percentages etc etc, he was a little surprised. 

gscoville

Whenever I told my husband I was ovulating and it was 'go time' he ran into problems and couldn't even finish - obviously no chance to get pregnant when that happens. I think you need to step back and be a bit more understanding of where your guy is coming from and ease up on the pressure. I always think of it this way: if I HAD to have an orgasm in order to get pregnant, would I even be able to? Not that my hubby doesn't give me a big ol' screaming O on a regular basis, but if I had the pressure put on me that I would HAVE to perform i.e. have an orgasm at that exact moment, that exact time having sex, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't happen for me. I'm sure that's how my hubby feels when I put pressure on him, and I feel horrible thinking that's the case, poor guy.  And I'm pretty sure your H didn't get sick just at your ovulation time on purpose, that's just bad luck, we've all had that I'm sure.  

HeathernSteven said:

Yea DH's can be a real PITA, several ladies have mentioned that DH doesn't want to know, wants it spontaneous etc etc. I think you just need to say, "when I say go, we go." and yea explain the process, my DH thought he knew all about it, until I sat him down and explained the percentages etc etc, he was a little surprised. 

We've been TTC for over a year since my loss now and through seeing an OB and such my husband has unfortunately gotten to know all the details and percentages and it has scared him more than helped.  It's made him feel even more guilty when he can't perform/finish, which has become a bit of a vicious circle in terms of him now fearing he'll have problems whenever we go to have sex, so he's more likely to not finish than he used to be.  Of course this is compounded by the fact we're now on medicated cycles and he knows we just have to have sex at certain times.  Guys' egos when it comes to sex/performance are delicate things, more pressure is never a good thing!

Lady2010

My DH initially didn't want to know all the details either.  I basically had to explain to him how our cycles work.  Then he was ok with using an OPK, temping, etc.  But even then for a while he was like - 'oh well I am tired, working late, early flight, etc let's just BD when I get back, what's the big deal?' 

Now he knows more than he ever wanted to and realizes that it actually IS a science and not the easiest thing therefore we have to plan - especially with travel schedules.  

Hopefully your DH will start by coming around.  Start by just explaining that there are literally only 1, maybe 2 days a month you can actually get pregnant, therefore as much as he wants it to be natural, unless you BD on those days, nothing will happen.

Good luck!

BeckyP005

Before we started with a RE I never told him that I was Oing but it didn't always work out...I'm too tired...blah blah. Then I did tell him when I O'd and then he felt too pressured!! So I hope YH will do better than mine when and if you talk to him!! On another note MH does have some issues with him so I can't really get too upset. Good luck

bumpuser10258960

My DH has pretty much said the same thing. I think there is nothing wrong with sitting your husband down and helping him understand that you have an understanding of your cycle and that every month there is a teenie 36 hour window in which you could get pregnant. And even though it doesn't have to be an "OMG right this second do your thing" moment, you need a little cooperation on his part to help it happen. 

Getting pregnant has enough obstacles. Your (or my) DH shouldn't have to be one of them. 

 

ksgsmu

so sorry you are frustrated.  I kept DH in the dark about temping and where I was exactly in my cycle as I didn't want to give him stage fright.  Now my DH is very very easy to seduce but I did have to get extra creative on the nights he wasn;t feeling it.

I agree with the others that I would tell him how you are feeling and maybe explain a little bit about the fertile window. 

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Mommalawyer

Um yeah. DH is the same way. I can't POAS and say it's "go time." He gets so annoyed. We have missed lots of chances because of that. Ridiculous. Which makes me fearful of having to perform on command for our IUI. Men can be so annoying!!!

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URMySunshine77

JimBobCooter said: Three months in a row I screamed at DH the day before O and then cried hysterically.   I promised him I'd get it under control.  The next month I didn't push him for sex at all but, the day before O, told him  and he asked me not to pressure him, so I let it go.  We didn't do anything. Two days later he asked when I was O-ing and when I told him it was two days before he wanted to know why I didn't say anything. 

#-o Yes. The worst thing is when I start to cry when DH isn't on board in my fertile window. Then he's like, "OK, we're REALLY not doing it now.

Although I'm not happy about it, I find it a relief to hear that so many of us struggle with this issue. 

ksgsmu

IFinTN you made me laugh

Mommalawyer
Seriously they can be such babies about it!  I have to take my husband to get ice cream ( yes like a child!)  when he has to give up the goodies to the lab!  He has already started bitching about it for his showtime in a couple of weeks! 

Mommalawyer

I think that our DHs should be nominated for an honorary throat punch for being so effing dramatic. Do they get weekly labs/blood draws? No. Do they get numerous "dates" with the dildo cam? No. Do they have to go through countless days of bloating, eating, weight gain, and emotional roller coasters due to IF meds? No. Do they sit there, legs spread to a) retrieve eggs, b) drop off fertilized eggs, or c) drop off sperm in the ute? No. No crying, drama, whining, or ice cream for them.

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annalisel

How annoying. My DH got on board after asking if I thought I was pregnant one month and I answered that we didn't have good timing. After that, he insisted on being told after that but he also understands the biology and that we only have a small window of time.

The strategy I've used is to tell DH in the morning that I'm interested in sex that evening. This makes him think about it and look forward to it all day. I think he enjoys the anticipation.

I hope you don't reach this point, but yeah, long time TTC sex becomes not so fun.

Lady2010

IFinTN - LOL - I actually used the same line on DH this month about EWCM!  It is our off month btwn IVF#2 in Feb and FET in April.  I went on a needed vacation with my parents since he was traveling non-stop.  Got back and said - listen, I am not using OPKs since I was traveling but I have some good EWCM so we needed to have sex just in case.  He told me to NEVER use that phrase with him again.

Mommalawyer - no ice cream for them!

danieleandwayne

I would have throat-punched your DH if he were mine. 

When I finally got pregnant with my dd, MH and I were BDing EVERY EVENING from the day my period stopped until 3-4 days after I O'd. No joke. FOR FIVE MONTHS we did this. MH was a trooper. You DH needs to pull down his big boy panties and get to work. 

C_Girlie

Ugh sometimes DH denies me then after I O. He'll say ur moody maybe ur pg. My response u have to bd in my fertility window. Lol he plays the dumb role. He certainly knows about this reproduction stuff, as he was a bio major in college & did 3 years of it before switching majors

Davie813

You know, I totally agree with what @gscoville said.  I don't think I'd hold up well (so to speak--sorry) under that kind of pressure, either.  I do sympathize very much with DH, and men in general, as far as that part goes 

It's when they put it in terms of not being turned on, or being grossed out (cervical mucus--eeeeewwww!) that they lose my sympathy (in fairness, DH doesn't do this).  Our bodies really don't exist solely for their aesthetic pleasure or to get them all excited.  Plus, if a little CM is a deal-breaker, how are they going to deal when the baby (and a whole lot of other stuff) actually comes out?

pinksandbermuda

I'm sorry I posted and ran! I ended up having a busy couple of days. Your responses are making me feel better. I am lol'ing over here. Don't get me started on his upcoming SA. Ugh. All the humiliation we go through. He has to 1. Have sex with me (the horror!) and 2. leave a deposit (ok a little embarrassing, but as someone all too familiar with the dildo cam as mentioned before, I'm not boo hooing over here. I've been so excited to ttc after being on the bench so long, I thought we would be off to a better start.

Mommalawyer

annalisel said:

How annoying. My DH got on board after asking if I thought I was pregnant one month and I answered that we didn't have good timing. After that, he insisted on being told after that but he also understands the biology and that we only have a small window of time.

The strategy I've used is to tell DH in the morning that I'm interested in sex that evening. This makes him think about it and look forward to it all day. I think he enjoys the anticipation.

I hope you don't reach this point, but yeah, long time TTC sex becomes not so fun.

Yeah. My grandfather questioned my DH about how we were doing, and went as far as to give him advice on "keeping it fun" because there's so much fun in "trying." Awkward.

KirstenAlecia

All these responses are making me laugh and feel for you ladies all at the same time!

Luckily my H wasn't weirded out too much by timing things. Now that we are NPNT I swear he counts days to try and nail me to the bed it what he estimates my fertile window to be. He is crazy.