SAHM woes

tisunge602

DH and I both worked fulltime until LO was born. We decided a long time ago that when we had kids I would quit my job. I love staying at home with him and don't miss my job at all, but I'm having a hard time knowing how to split parenting duties and so far I do pretty much everything, with an occasional half hour here and there in the evenings and on weekends when I ask DH to help out. I also do all MOTN wakeups (I EBF so it makes more sense). I feel like since he works fulltime and supports us, and LO is my "job" now, that asking him to do a ton of baby duty during his off time isn't really fair of me. But at the same time, I don't think it's fair that I be "on" 24/7 either. I struggle with feelings of guilt when he helps out, but I also struggle with feeling selfish and resentful that he doesn't do more.

For the record, DH is totally willing to help out whenever I ask, but he doesn't necessarily offer. We had a heart to heart talk about it over the weekend and I explained how I was feeling, and since then he's been a lot better about making sure he offers to help more often.

I know this has been sort of "dear diary" but I do have a question for you SAHMs. Have you ever felt this way? How do you justify in your head having your SO help out? Help me wrap my head around this!

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm a SAHM - kind of.  I work from home.  I just remind myself that my "job" while DH is out making the "cheese" is to take care of LO.  I also remind myself that DH can't read my mind and that I have to ask for help even if I think it's stupid that I have to do so.

tisunge602

@sing2phins, I know you're right. I have these arguments in my head... he's not "helping out," he's being a parent! We are both parents 100% of the time. I just have a hard time equalizing that with my "job" being taking care of him. I can't just switch off my SAHM brain/duties as soon as he gets home from work. I don't think that's fair to him. 

Like I said, DH would totally agree with you. He knows he is a parent just as much as I am. A lot of this mindset is self-imposed. It comes from being a type-A introvert I think. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, but I also want me-time. It's hard to explain. 

barista411

Yes I have felt like that many times. I am just now learning to balance and ask for help without feeling guilty. The way I see it is when DH is home the kids are our joint responsibility. They are OUR children. There are times that it is just easier for me to take care of certain things because I am with them all day but I do expect DH help out when he is home.

What has helped us is having a very set routine. We both know what to expect from each other without having to argue or fight about who is doing what. We also agreed that neither of our jobs are easier or harder. If we are constantly playing the well me SAH is harder than you working it will never work. I have also found that both of us making an effort to give the other one a break really helps. Yes SAHM need a break because we are at home and with the kids ALL DAY but a working parents is trying to split their energy in two different places and that can be equally exhausting.

I hope that all makes sense. I feel like I am rambling. Having two kids waking up at night is reeking havoc on thought processes.

AlisonM12

I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm not SAH but I'm a control freak and take charge of everything so just naturally taking care of LO fell mostly on me. I've had to let go of the guilt of asking for help and I've really worked on making it more of a 50/50 thing.

I know when DH and I get home from work we both are dying to spend time playing with LO. I'm wondering if you could make it a routine that DH hangs out with LO after getting home from work for about an hour and you can do whatever you want? Then you take over until, say bedtime, and then DH does the bath and whatever bedtime routine you have (that does't incude feeding unles you have bottles he can give). Then you and DH will have some time after LO is in bed for the night for alone time. (for us, this is catching up on the DVR...wha, wha....)

jennifertewart

I am with you....  I feel so guilty because we never planned on me staying at home.  I still have school to finish and when we got pregnant I took a break after we graduated.  Now I want to wait until N is a little older to finish.  Anyways, I think he resents me (no, I know he is a little resentful- he told me) so I fee like I should never ask him to do anything since I am choosing to be at home and he works his butt off.

Honestly, He is really good about spending time with N and I try to give him time to relax and unwind.  But sometimes I have to tell him to put down the computer and spend time with his son.  At this age, spending time with him is taking care of him.  So when DH is home we try to split the parenting duties in half.  I take on the MOTN feedings as well since I EBF, but when N is having a bad night I usually kick DH out of bed once to put him back to sleep.

I just try to remember when I feel guilty, that having DH take care of N when I need a break brings them closer together and builds up their bond.  Also telling DH about how N looks for him at the door when he hears the garage or keeps looking back for him after he leaves makes DH want to spend as much time with him when he is home!

tisunge602

@barista411 Thanks, that does help. I do want to be clear, though, that DH and I aren't fighting. He even told me when we had our talk that he thinks my job is harder than his! But you're right, the hardest part for me is asking for help, which is why I told him it would help me a lot if he would just come out and offer or ask what he can do. 

We do need more of a set routine, especially on weekends. I try to let him sleep in on Saturdays because I have to get up with LO anyway to feed him and it's the only day DH can sleep in since he gets up for work during the week (although I get up when he gets up - or earlier - every day... see, there I go again!) We agreed that each weekend we would each talk about what other things we would like to get done and agree on a more even baby-duty plan so we could each have free time. I think that will help.

tisunge602

@Finnaroo Wow, you have it worse than I do! DH is usually gone 8am til 6pm or so, plus he travels about 5x a year. And I have a relatively easy baby. 

But I know what you mean about DH wanting to help out but not really intuitively knowing what needs to be done. For example, he is convinced that I am the only one that can get LO to sleep. I told him that's because I'm the one who always does it! and it would be easier for him if he actually did it once in awhile. He saw that point as valid and was pleasantly surprised yesterday morning when LO went down for his nap easily for him (I have been working really hard at naptimes with LO over the past few weeks). 

I hope Brett gets easier for you as she gets older!

CarrieB.

What is this "relaxing and unwinding" that these husbands get to do when they get home? As a working mom, I just don't understand.

Your husband should be helping out and parenting when he gets home and when the kids go to bed, he can relax. Or as I call it, passing out on the couch at 7:30 since I'm going to be up all night with the baby.

barista411

CarrieB. said:

What is this "relaxing and unwinding" that these husbands get to do when they get home? As a working mom, I just don't understand.

Your husband should be helping out and parenting when he gets home and when the kids go to bed, he can relax. Or as I call it, passing out on the couch at 7:30 since I'm going to be up all night with the baby.

For us "relaxing and unwinding" is me having dinner on the table when DH gets home and we eat together as a family. That way DD is entertained while eating dinner, DS is in his high chair playing and DH doesn't feel like he is leaving work which is crazy and coming home to more insanity. We have time all together as a family before we start the chaos of bedtime.

It does not mean that he gets to go hang out on the couch or hide somewhere. It just means I make an effort to not throw the kids at him the minute he walks in the door. I will admit I have had a few days where both kids are being crazy and I do hand them off but DH understands and normally takes them and let's me finish dinner in peace and quiet.

I agree that the real "relaxing and unwinding" is after the kids go to bed.

JaneD112013

I'm not a SAHM either. I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one picking up most of the responsibilities of our LO's. My DH helps, but usually only if I ask. He also doesn't volunteer for the MOTN feedings, but who would, right?

Littlemama01

I'm still on mat leave (we get a year) so I SAH for now and DH works his tush off. I do get mat pay but it's much lower than normal. I have no advice but can commiserate. I do feel a little resentful at times, I feel as though he thinks I should have the house cleaned, dinner made, laundry done, etc every day. (Though he's never said that I maybe out that pressure on myself). I do that most days but some just don't go that way and I feel guilty. When I worked FT before LO I didn't clean every day, I took one day or half day on the weekend and did it (actually together we did usually). But being home all the time you make more of a mess and notice it more. Plus when LO is napping I feel guilty watching tv all the time so I try and do other things to keep busy. I have no other hobby in the house like crafting or Anything.. (Sometimes I read I guess). Occasionally I find myself comparing, well I do this, he doesn't ever do this..why can't he just see something needs to be done and do it. But someone above said it right, their standards are different. For one thing, a child takes a lot of attention. You aren't just changing diapers, bathing, feeding and then relaxing. It's mentally exhausting to constantly entertain and try and think of new ways to keep LO busy and it's only going to get harder. Luckily when my DH gets home he wants to spend time with LO, but we still usually alternate bath night etc...one night he does it, the next I do, and if I ever wanted to go out in the evening without LO I would let DH know in advance and he is fine with it. I'm lucky in that way, he can handle bath time, bedtime, feeding a bottle (I ebf too at the moment so I have to pump for like 3 days to get enough to go out so it doesn't happen often). The worst I find is weekends when he just wants to play video games and I want him to interact with LO like I do during the week. He doesn't see how I do and I just doesn't feel quite comfortable getting goofy with him I think, so I get mad when I see him always watching tv with lo or holding LO and playing on his phone..I hope he will eventually get more comfortable helping LO explore the world.

ellenrunyon

I'm a sahm too, and u are right it is a struggle. 1. It's our current "job" 2. Baby typically wants me anyhow But I try to leave a lot of the "playing" for dh right now, although he handles his fair share of feedings, bottle washing and now poopie diapers bc little weirdo will ONLY poop when he holds her, lol. Don't rob your hubby out of the joy of bonding and parenting your little one. You are actually doing him a favor by asking him to be more involved. I bet he will thank you for it in the years to come

tisunge602

Thanks for the advice and thoughts, everyone. It's good to know I am not alone in some of my internal arguments with myself. I am thankful that DH is understanding and listening to me during this whole transition into SAHM-hood. I think it will just be a continual learning process for all of us! 

cagoldi

I agree with @CFox815 that if your husband is more than willing to help, the problem is your guilt about accepting it.

I doubt if my DH ever feels guilt over having the gardener do yard work, having my oil changed in the car, calling a plumber to fix a clog, and other tasks that are traditionally considered men's functions.

The household duties traditionally performed by women are more difficult in a sense because they need to be done at specific times. If my DH wants to sit around and wait until tomorrow to take out the trash, fine. But I just can't put off making dinner, we all need to eat at a reasonable hour. I can't put off laundry because we all need clean clothes.

If you're too exhausted to function well as a spouse then that isn't good for anyone. There's no sense in feeling guilt about pointing out ways you think your H can make your days or nights a little easier.

tisunge602

LizB8943 said:

...BUT there have been a couple times when I've gotten irrationally upset because I feel like taking care of the house and baby is my job, and I'm somehow falling down on the job if I don't accomplish certain chores, or get dinner made on time, etc. I feel guilty that he does so much around the house AND is the breadwinner. He and I have talked about it on different occasions and basically, I just need to get over it:) 

YES, this is exactly how I feel! Well said. I do just need to get over it.

beka2525

I definitely struggle with feelings of guilt. Lately I feel stretched thin, and it's hard for me to ask hubby for help when LO is crying at 10pm and he's passed out. I know he works hard and school is stressful for him. For this reason I usually end up taking care of things myself because I can console LO faster and I also EBF. One thing that helps me is to never assume. When I ask for help it's very specific, not just, "Take care of the baby please." This seems to help.

Laurenc523

Oh man, I could have written this WORD for WORD!! You have my sympathy. My husband and I have the same issue right now. And we, too, just had a talk the other night. I think things will be semi leveling out soon, but it will always be 75/25 since he works 10 hour days. I told him I need "me time". As much as I LOVE my son and taking care of him, I need some time alone to feel like a human being with my own needs first before I try to take care of another person that relys 100% on me. And that it's kind of exhausting ASKING him to help out when he should just do it.

88sharonlee

I struggled with this when I was home on leave as well. Now we both work FT and split responsibilities.

The biggest thing I'll add to pp is that I will sometimes get resentful if I'm doing something all by myself for LO when DH is home, but I've found that what I want isn't for my DH to take over 100% either. What I want is just some help and to do it together.

For example I was always the only one doing bath time. I used to get upset why I was there doing the bath while DH watched TV or even did work. But what I found makes me happy is now we both do bath time. I get her undressed while DH fills the tub. I'm the one who washes her while DH hangs out with us and then I pass her clean naked butt right off to daddy for the towel wrap!

I found that I want to be spending this time with LO but I want DH to be there too. I'm never resentful when we're doing it together.

I know its different when your a SAHM but just a thought, sometimes you need alone me time, sure, but sometimes it's less about tagging out then getting DH involved with you.

mallgrove

88sharonlee said:

I struggled with this when I was home on leave as well. Now we both work FT and split responsibilities.

The biggest thing I'll add to pp is that I will sometimes get resentful if I'm doing something all by myself for LO when DH is home, but I've found that what I want isn't for my DH to take over 100% either. What I want is just some help and to do it together.

For example I was always the only one doing bath time. I used to get upset why I was there doing the bath while DH watched TV or even did work. But what I found makes me happy is now we both do bath time. I get her undressed while DH fills the tub. I'm the one who washes her while DH hangs out with us and then I pass her clean naked butt right off to daddy for the towel wrap!

I found that I want to be spending this time with LO but I want DH to be there too. I'm never resentful when we're doing it together.

I know its different when your a SAHM but just a thought, sometimes you need alone me time, sure, but sometimes it's less about tagging out then getting DH involved with you.

I agree with this completely! DH is always laying on the couch watching TV or napping in the evening leaving me to do the entire bedtime routine and deal with the struggle that is putting LO down for the night. I know he can't nurse her, but it would be nice to feel he is involved and giving me support. Instead of me feeling resentful of the fact that he is relaxing while I'm fighting to get her to bed. I think sometimes he doesn't understand this and perhaps I should do a better job communicating what I need from him.

ximenita003

mallgrove said:

88sharonlee said:

I struggled with this when I was home on leave as well. Now we both work FT and split responsibilities.

The biggest thing I'll add to pp is that I will sometimes get resentful if I'm doing something all by myself for LO when DH is home, but I've found that what I want isn't for my DH to take over 100% either. What I want is just some help and to do it together.

For example I was always the only one doing bath time. I used to get upset why I was there doing the bath while DH watched TV or even did work. But what I found makes me happy is now we both do bath time. I get her undressed while DH fills the tub. I'm the one who washes her while DH hangs out with us and then I pass her clean naked butt right off to daddy for the towel wrap!

I found that I want to be spending this time with LO but I want DH to be there too. I'm never resentful when we're doing it together.

I know its different when your a SAHM but just a thought, sometimes you need alone me time, sure, but sometimes it's less about tagging out then getting DH involved with you.

I agree with this completely! DH is always laying on the couch watching TV or napping in the evening leaving me to do the entire bedtime routine and deal with the struggle that is putting LO down for the night. I know he can't nurse her, but it would be nice to feel he is involved and giving me support. Instead of me feeling resentful of the fact that he is relaxing while I'm fighting to get her to bed. I think sometimes he doesn't understand this and perhaps I should do a better job communicating what I need from him.

Ditto!! I actually asked DH to please be part of bath time tonight. The handing off of the naked butt is crucial to safety. I want to try and make this a common occurrence but DH gets so fussy, he thinks I'm too " up his butt " ugh!!!

Redundant use of the word tonight