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unaveragejane

One of my SILs eloped over Valentine's weekend. She didn't announce her marriage, but two weeks ago she sent a mass text that they're going to have a wedding reception this Saturday. It is her 4th marriage. Should I buy them a wedding present, and if so, what?

TJ1979

Okay, okay, there MUST be something clever here...

But whatever you send, I'd make sure you send a receipt.  And I certainly wouldn't get anything monogrammed!

Did you buy gifts for all of the previous weddings? 

YellowLily2013

How annoying. I probably wouldn't but that's because I'm a b and don't think you deserve a gift if you texted an invite. But that's just my opinion. Same for Facebook or other tacky thoughtless ways to ask me to buy you something!

jcwinsto

Nope. No gift. Seriously, she wouldn't be getting anything from me.

YellowLily2013

Box wine!! Do it!

Chichigo

Maybe she did it this way so no one feels obligated to bring a gift. I think wine is an appropriate gift in this situation. You're acknowledging and celebrating their union.

CLLDLL

When DH and I were engaged we endured a couple months of his divorced parents fighting over which one could sit up front during ceremony, which one threw the rehearsal dinner, who was allowed to talk to whom.  It was a nightmare.  I wasn't talking with my family at the time. 

So we had a "secret" wedding ceremony with a JoP officiating and the only people who attended were our best man and MOH. 

A few months later eveyone made up enough to be on speaking terms, so we had a small backyard reception to celebrate with our families.  We sent homemade invitations but specifically stated that we didn't want gifts.

My gut reaction is that this is what she's aiming for.  But I don't understand why she wouldn't state not to bring gifts then.  It's just weird.

I'm with everyone else.  Bring nothing.  Or if you want to bring a card and something small like wine.

TJ1979

CLLDLL said:

When DH and I were engaged we endured a couple months of his divorced parents fighting over which one could sit up front during ceremony, which one threw the rehearsal dinner, who was allowed to talk to whom.  It was a nightmare.  I wasn't talking with my family at the time. 

So we had a "secret" wedding ceremony with a JoP officiating and the only people who attended were our best man and MOH. 

A few months later eveyone made up enough to be on speaking terms, so we had a small backyard reception to celebrate with our families.  We sent homemade invitations but specifically stated that we didn't want gifts.

My gut reaction is that this is what she's aiming for.  But I don't understand why she wouldn't state not to bring gifts then.  It's just weird.

I'm with everyone else.  Bring nothing.  Or if you want to bring a card and something small like wine.

I've had occasions where I have wondered whether I ought to put something about no gifts please on the invite (such as my mom had a sip and see for my baby at her house.  For people who had already been to a shower.  Really, it was an excuse for a get together, and we used the baby as the excuse.)  We debated back and forth whether to even mention a gift, but decided that if we said "no gifts please" then people knew we were thinking about gifts, and thought they would think we thought it was a gift giving situation, and we were being gracious by turning them down.  If that makes any sense at all.  We felt like it was better to just avoid mention of gifts altogether.  And only one person brought a small gift, and it was someone who didn't make it to the shower.  So perhaps that is her line of thinking?
The box wine idea is hilarious.

Rrrrrachel

I don't think a gift is necessary but some form of booze is what I'd do.

jcwinsto

I agree that generally putting anything about gifts on the invite is taboo but she texted the invite to everyone so I would imagine that ettiquette didn't even cross her mind. It's her 4th wedding.  Maybe if they make it a year they would get a little something for an anniversary gift but by this point they shouldn't expect gifts for the wedding.  Maybe a nice card.

TJ1979

jcwinsto said:

I agree that generally putting anything about gifts on the invite is taboo but she texted the invite to everyone so I would imagine that ettiquette didn't even cross her mind. It's her 4th wedding.  Maybe if they make it a year they would get a little something for an anniversary gift but by this point they shouldn't expect gifts for the wedding.  Maybe a nice card.

Haha, valid point.

stoneycakes

Is it the groom's first marriage?  If they're doing it up at the reception like a big white wedding, then I would bring a traditional wedding gift.  I'd make it on the less expensive side if you've already bought gifts for the other weddings  If it's something casual they're having at home then I would probably go with wine or something along those lines.

Something that's nice to do if you're giving wine, is to get a bottle that is supposed to reach it's peak in 5 or 10 years and tell them to open it on the appropriate anniversary to celebrate.

jcwinsto

I guess it depends how much you like her or how close you and H are to her...

TJ1979

She's new here.  She'll probably never come back and answer questions.  They never do.

unaveragejane

Geez, take a minute to have a life outside of TB and all I get is flack?! No wonder people never return to their posts here.

MK, I finally mailed that cover this morning. Woohoo! Can you forgive me for not being around to bump b/c I was at the shipping place (and dropping off thrift store donations and getting food to feed my kid) this morning?

So the location for the get-together is still TBD. My other SIL texted her and forwarded me the response that she was still trying to figure out where to have it b/c she's afraid her house is too small. Originally it was just supposed to be immediate family, but it is a big family and I've never seen her new house so who knows. I have my fingers crossed that she doesn't ask everyone to meet her at a restaurant. (Can I mail boxed wine if I don't go to the party?) I do really love the idea of getting her a bottle of wine. I like her enough that I don't want to hurt her feelings by not getting her anything, but at this point in our lives I only have so much enthusiasm left for celebrating yet another of her marriages. (I know that sounds terrible. I feel bad thinking it, much less saying it, but do I get points for honesty??) I'm not sure if she's expecting gifts or not. I guess I am more concerned about following appropriate etiquette without being fake if that makes sense.