I need to know if I majorly overreacted.

Mrs.Hizzo

I'll try to keep this from becoming the Great American Novel.

I've mentioned before that my oldest can be challenging. He was particularly so from ages 3-4, he's gotten much better since. Never once, in the four years he's been in school from age 3 up to now (kindergarten) has any teacher (all with masters degrees in early childhood ed or development and a boat load of experience) ever intimated that there was anything going on with him besides maturity and a very strong personality. I, personally, have never been worried that there was some underlying problem, my husband never has been, his teachers never have been. But for sure, he's not always the easiest kid to deal with.

So, my MIL is here this weekend. She taught 6th grade for a long time and got a masters focusing on gifted children and basicaly fancies herself the foremost expert on all things kid. Last night, after the kids were in bed, she told my husband and I that my FIL is worried about my son and that she sees markers for ADD. It wasn't a big dramatic pronouncement, she sort of said it in conversation, but OMG. I felt like she punched me in the gut. I immediately went on the defensive and told her that no one who is actually in a position to know this about him has ever brought up any such thing and basically that I thought it was ridiculous. MIL doesn't always pick up on cues that well, but the tone of my voice would have let anyone else in the world know that it would be a good idea to drop the subject. Instead she kept going on and on about it, saying that you usually don't know for sure until a child is 9, and I don't even know what else. I was just sitting there staring at her. My DH was looking at me getting more and more alarmed and he finally said "Mom, we're going to bed now." even though it was like 8:00, lol. He tried to talk to me about it upstairs but I was so angry and upset that I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth.

This morning I could barely speak to her, I was still so mad. I went to the store after lunch and when I got back, she was sitting with my DH and it looked like she'd been crying. She went outside with the kids and DH told me to expect an apology from her, that she hadn't meant to upset me like that, etc. I was like, I'm sure she didn't, but who the hell says something like that to a child's mother, of all people? So after a while she came in and apologized and told me she hadn't meant to upset me that way, and I said "I know that you didn't, but you just can't say things like that to me. I know he's a challenging kid and maybe he's not exactly who you would like him to be, but that doesn't mean it's OK for you to offer an armchair diagnosis that there's something wrong with him." And she said she hadn't meant to do that,  and it's different for grandparents and they so want the best and they're farther removed from things and whatever else, and I told her that I understood but that if, god forbid, there ever is anything that crops up, WE will let THEM know, and it really bothers me to think that they're sitting there worrying and speculating amongst themselves and lord knows who else about non-existent medical problems just because my son is being who he is. And then we got interrupted and I just wanted to end the conversation so I got up and gave her a hug and told her it's OK, it's not that big of a deal, I'm not mad anymore. But even though she's obviously distressed that she upset me, I still don't think she really gets why I was so upset in the first place.

So, do YOU guys get why I was upset? Would it have upset you?

lexusolsen

Yes, it would have upset me. I'm glad your husband said something. It sounds like you both handled it well.

trizzie

Yes and yes. My MIL considers herself the expert on children as well. When DS was around 2, she kept commenting on how "active" he was. And then from then on she would analyze whether or not he could sit and pay attention to things and for how long, etc. He was 2 for heaven's sake. I let her have it, but to this day she still makes comments on his attention span (he is six by the way).  She has zero sense of boundaries though, hopefully your MIL will never say anything again!

eaglesfan700

I would have reacted the same way, I don't think you overreacted

Mrs.Hizzo

I meant to say in my post, I don't mean that having a child diagnosed with ADD is some horrible, god awful thing. I don't, at all, and if I had any reason to suspect one of my kids did have it, we'd work on addressing it in the best possible way and get on with our lives. And if anyone reading this has a kid with ADD, please understand that I'm not trying to present it like it's something shameful, that's totally not the case. But if either of my kids wind up being diagnosed with ADHD or dyslexia or autism or anything else, it's not going to be from the woman who sees them  a few weekends a year.

I guess it bugged me so much because he's my kid and I love him to the moon and back, and it was like she was telling me he's not good enough or some problem child, and that there must be something causing that. I don't know, maybe that sounds stupid and doesn't make sense.

peaceinnature

I don't think I would've gotten that upset, but my H has ADHD and was never diagnosed as a kid and I think maybe if he had been things would have been a bit less difficult for him in his early adulthood.  My MIL had it mentioned to her a couple times that he might have markers for it, but she refused to have him evaluated because she thought he should be running around like a maniac all the time if he had it (which is not always the case).

But aside from that I can understand where you're coming from in getting unsolicited advice.  I used to get extremely pissed at people that would tell me birth horror stories when I was pregnant if I mentioned any tiny symptom I was having.

Cherryblossoms07

cjcouple said:

well tbh, i think you did overreact a bit. I absolutely would want to hear from anyone if they had concerns. it doesn't mean its true but it would make me look up signs and/or markers. it takes a village.

I also don't think there is anything wrong if a child does have ADD so it would not be upsetting to me.

I have actually wondered if my youngest has ADHD because he is so difficult at time. but he is 4 so it's way too early to know

I am sure she only said it because she loves him and wants what is best.

of course I don't know if there is a background to all this which is what made you react so emotionally.

This is pretty much how I would feel as well. Of course, I would take it much better coming from my own mom than I would MIL and probably would have been a upset at first too.

eaglesfan700

Unless you guys had a really close relationship, why wouldn't she just mention something to your H and see what he said? How did she really think that conversation was going to go?

sunnydays99

Yes, I would have been upset. Honestly, you handled it WAY better than I would have!! Good for you and your DH, it seems like you handled things very well!

notkateanymore

Yes, I think you overreacted, but I think you probably reacted that way from a combo of it being your MIL and somebody suggesting something is "wrong" with your kid. Of course ADD is not the end of the world, but nobody wants to hear it. I mean, she's an educator and has years of experience, so I'm sure that's where she's coming from...well that and love for her grandchildren. What's done is done though. Probably no harm in the long run, since she did apologize.

spring_time

I think you had a knee jerk reaction, and I probably would have reacted the same way.  Nobody wants to hear that something may be different about their child.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with ADD, but falls under that "different" category which means your life might not be as you envisioned for your child or yourself. 

I also understand needed some time to cool off.  As other posters have said, we don't know your dynamic.  However, my parents have said things to me before, and I needed a few days to regroup.  I think how you handled in the next day was fine.

Arnegard

Yes it would have upset me and your son sounds a lot like my oldest.  She is excellent in school though.

Mrs.Hizzo

Sigh. I guess it's true, if it were my mom who said something like that I would have been super-irritated about it but not to the same level. A lot of it probably comes from my MIL being who she is, which is a person who means well but is pushy and has little respect for boundaries and who makes broad assumptions based on very minimal information. I can't tell you how many times she's presented something to me about her daughter's kids as "fact" and turned out to be 100% wrong. In general, she just rubs me the wrong way a lot of the time.

PrimRoseMama

It would have bothered me. She may just be concerned but it's not her place to bring it up.

I empathize with feeling defensive & like you need to defend your kid's "honor" so to speak.

Then again, my MIL is convinced everything I do will brain damage my kids & they will suffer awful, dis honored lives. Yes, she says this & yes I try not to rocket to the moon while H tells her to can it.

I usually just think homicidal, ragey thoughts while distracting myself with the happy of the kids.

rosesandpetals

I hate the idea of people gossiping and guessing and diagnosing when they have no reason to. And just ftr, a masters in education  (even specialized in gifted students) in no way qualifies you to make a diagnosis of anything. But this is another issue/rant of mine about over-diagnosing problems and typically developing kids taking resources away from the kids who actually need them because some teacher thinks they're hard to deal with and wants to slap a dx on them.

I don't think you were completely overreacting. Even if he had ADD, I would want her to just enjoy the little time she has with him and not worry about it. You're his parents, you'll handle it. But my MIL is a pediatric nurse so we have all ready had to draw the line and say, "if we want your professional opinion, we will ask for it." Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. She can mean well and still be annoying.

Mrs.Hizzo

DC2London said:

I get it.  The EI people almost didn't believe me about all of DS1's sensory stuff until they saw him in action at home, because he is a completely different kid in a school or testing setting.  Maybe the behaviors that your mother sees in your DS are less pronounced at school, which is why a teacher has never felt the need to suggest getting him checked out.  

But, again, it's near impossible to diagnose ADD early in childhood.  So it really could be that he didn't "look" like an ADD kid before, and now he is starting to exhibit behaviors that could be construed as symptoms of ADD.

Yes, except that the behaviors she sited were the ones he exhibited when he was three and that have almost completely resolved!

Icjt

YesI think you over reacted a little, but I did the same thing when my MIL (she's also a teacher) did the same thing to me. My oldest was 4 when she started pushing me to have her tested. DH has ADHD and so when she was about 7/8 ish we broke down and had her tested and she did have it. And the "I told you" was just as bad as pushing us.

raraavis28

For me this is so much a "I'd have to be there" situation to really judge if you overreacted or not. Your relationship w/ your MIL, the relationship she has w/ the kids, her tone and manner of bringing it up all can change how one would read a comment like that....the more backstory I read, the more I understand your reaction. It definitely comes across as her making a judgmental comment about your DS or giving unsolicited advice, giving the impression that she's just analyzing rather than just being w/ her grandson and getting to know him. I'm sure you would be open to input if you did suspect that there was something up beyond him just having a more challenging temperament. I'm glad she apologized.

smerka

You are overreacting. While your MIL is not in any position to diagnose, she has some experience that you can't deny. I'm currently waiting to find out about my son's autism assessment. In my experience, no teacher is going to say I suspect your kid has such and such. When I told my son's teacher we were doing the autism testing, she clammed up and didn't say anything. That to me was telling. I later found out from my husband, who is a teacher, and several other teacher friends that they are not supposed to make suggestions for outside testing. They are not trained to diagnose and if they say something, it will probably result in the school district having to provide additional services. So while they are in the best position to make a suggestion, they can't or won't. My advice is to hea

smerka

My son's teacher was pretty relieved to hear me say I thought he had sensory issues early on. So eventually we went to the doctor to get him tested and it was only after that they provided services. But I think it was pretty clear to his teachers that he needed OT. My college roommate teaches middle school and she said that there are lots of kids that all the teachers know are in need of services, but they can't say anything to the parents. I don't know what happens if the parents bring it up. My husband and roommate work for the same school district so it might just be theirs. I'll ask on the Special Needs board and see what their experiences have been.

spring_time

CnAmom said:

@smerka I might be misunderstanding, but are the teachers not allowed to make recommendations at all? In our school district the teachers are expected to say something if they think a child might need to be evaluated for additional services.

My experience as a teacher was the same. We were allowed to recommend a referral, but could not suggest a diagnosis. We even needed to be careful how we phrased a suggestion to talk to their doctor. If a teacher speculated, the district could be on the hook for outside treatment and diagnoses.

barnwife

CnAmom said:

@smerka I might be misunderstanding, but are the teachers not allowed to make recommendations at all? In our school district the teachers are expected to say something if they think a child might need to be evaluated for additional services.

I have never taught in a place where teachers aren't allowed to make recommendations/suggestions/etc...As a parent, I would absolutely expect teachers to bring up concerns. In fact, were I to find out that my child's teacher had concerns and didn't discuss them/say something I would not be a happy camper.

notkateanymore

barnwife said:

CnAmom said:

@smerka I might be misunderstanding, but are the teachers not allowed to make recommendations at all? In our school district the teachers are expected to say something if they think a child might need to be evaluated for additional services.

I have never taught in a place where teachers aren't allowed to make recommendations/suggestions/etc...As a parent, I would absolutely expect teachers to bring up concerns. In fact, were I to find out that my child's teacher had concerns and didn't discuss them/say something I would not be a happy camper.

My daughter has never been in a school that hasn't been able to do it either. Who else better to recognize an issue?

spring_time

KateMW said:

barnwife said:

CnAmom said:

@smerka I might be misunderstanding, but are the teachers not allowed to make recommendations at all? In our school district the teachers are expected to say something if they think a child might need to be evaluated for additional services.

I have never taught in a place where teachers aren't allowed to make recommendations/suggestions/etc...As a parent, I would absolutely expect teachers to bring up concerns. In fact, were I to find out that my child's teacher had concerns and didn't discuss them/say something I would not be a happy camper.

My daughter has never been in a school that hasn't been able to do it either. Who else better to recognize an issue?

We were allowed to bring up issues, just not speculate on a diagnosis. We could talk about specific behaviors, but had to be careful on how we directed parents.  Example: Johnny is having a very difficult time in class. He is not focusing on his work, and is easily distracted. I would like to set up an appointment for an evaluation so we can find the best way to help him.  

We had a student who was dyslexic.  Her father was dyslexic. Everybody who taught her knew she was dyslexic, but dyslexia was not one of the disorders tested in the district. We could not say anything about outside testing until she had been through the evaluation process, and the evaluation team had to make the suggestion.

I worked in a poor, urban district so I am not sure if that made a difference in how we could approach possible learning disabilities.

rosesandpetals

KateMW said:

barnwife said:

CnAmom said:

@smerka I might be misunderstanding, but are the teachers not allowed to make recommendations at all? In our school district the teachers are expected to say something if they think a child might need to be evaluated for additional services.

I have never taught in a place where teachers aren't allowed to make recommendations/suggestions/etc...As a parent, I would absolutely expect teachers to bring up concerns. In fact, were I to find out that my child's teacher had concerns and didn't discuss them/say something I would not be a happy camper.

My daughter has never been in a school that hasn't been able to do it either. Who else better to recognize an issue?

The problem is, if a teacher says she has reason to believe a kid has autism several bad things can happen. 1) The parents can bitch to the administration that the teacher is labeling their child, she doesn't know what she's talking about, she isn't qualified to make such suggestions. That's true. Teachers are not qualified to make a dx. They can sometimes tell a child is not acting in a way that is NT but they can also miss a lot because they're not trained in what to look for. The not being qualified to make a dx does not vary from school to school, there are legal requirements and GE teachers do not meet them unless they also have psychology degrees have passed licensing tests, etc. A typical teacher is not qualified to make a dx.

And 2) Because they're not trained to make a dx, something that looks like ADD may be much more serious or not nearly as serious and can end up pissing off the parents because they spent time and money on intervention that was not needed OR did not get the proper intervention and it made the problem worse.

And then there's the professional problem where intervention is expensive. *SOME* school administrators do not like to pay for intervention. A lot of the time, shady or downright illegal things go on in IEP meetings for this reason. Some administrators try to use intervention as a way to cut the budget and they'll discourage teachers from recommending evaluations and referrals.

A teacher may say they suspect a referral would be beneficial or something along those lines. But if a teacher says she thinks a kid has a specific dx, I would bet anything that she were either brand new or an idiot. Suggesting something specific just opens you up to too many professional ramifications.

Mrs.Hizzo

wife07mom09 said:

I do think you overreacted a bit or were more on the defensive.  My other concern though is you mentioning you have had some difficulties with your child. You mention a 

"strong personality" and he's not the "easiest" kid to deal with but that there is "nothing" underlying  oing on.

Is this where your defensiveness comes from?  Are you worried there IS something going on?  Just because a child can behave in a school setting doesn't mean there isn't a behavioral or mental health  or learning disorder present.   If you truly feel there may be a concern there is no harm at all having him see a therapist a learning specialist or a psychologist who can diagnose.  Just a thought.  I may be reading something into this that isn't there. If I am just ignore my thoughts.  I am sorry you were frustrated by your MIL. I do understand that!

I truly am not concerned. Truly, never have been, certainly not about ADD. When I say he has a strong personality, I mean he's a very independent thinker who , as a younger child, was not very internally motivated. My youngest behaved because he hated for anyone to be mad at him, my oldest didn't care. There was a time when he was younger that I actually was concerned he might have ODD, but I brought it up with both his teachers and pedi and they laughed and told me not even close. That he's a kid with a strong mind of his own but that it would mitigate as he got older and started to understand social norms, because in spite of everything it's very important to him that he be liked by his peers. And that's exactly what happened. He started figuring out that kids were looking at him funny when he refused to participate in a group activity that he didn't like, or whatever, and things have gotten progressively easier with him since the day he turned 5, almost 2 years ago. Really, he's a pretty neat kid. He's good with his brother and loves animals and his teacher says he's excited to learn and a ton of fun to have in class, just talks too much. I guess some of my frustration stems from the fact that my ILs seem to have pigeonholed him back when he was a pilly preschooler and don't want to recognize how much progress he's made. But yeah, I guess I did blow it out of proportion.

LoveBeingMama

I taught middle school, and I specifically remember during one of my certification classes that we were told never to suggest that a child needed an evaluation. As soon as the school suggests it, they can be held responsible for the cost of it. I know there were ways around it to get the point across to parents that they should seek out an eval, but we couldn't directly recommend it. Yes, it is frustrating, both from a parent and teacher point of view.

Keeptruckin

Hmm..that's tough. My DD most likely has ADD, she fits the profile and my DH has it. I think it would put anyone on the defensive. However, to me it seems like almost everyone I knows has ADD. It's not a big deal in our circle at all, half of the kids DD play with have ADD, ASD, dyslexia, etc. are you upset because she is so off base, or because it has been a small fear of yours?