When in labor

Beth592013

I have asked that no one be at the hospital when I'm in labor other than my husband but my husband keeps saying I'm being rude and that his mom will be there. I really don't want anyone to see me like that and I feel like if I want it to be private then it should be. My family understands and will come once the baby is born. I hate that he isn't supporting me in this.

tjkdlhb

No advice... But I would feel really uncomfortable having people there too (either in the waiting room or in the room with me)  I just wanted DH there.  I had no idea how I would be feeling, wanted time to get cleaned up, breastfeed and spend a little bit of time with the baby before everyone else came.  After she was born, DH called my parents and they came about 2 hours later.  DH's parents were a 4 hour drive away, so they came 2 days later.  If they had been in the same area, both would have been invited at the same time to visit, obviously.

I found out after I had DD that DH had talked to his parents about it, and they decided to wait.  I was happy he did that.

When it comes down to it, It's your body, not anybody else's.  I don't think it's being rude at all. 

mtrhomegirl

I am having the same issue...i am scheduled for a c-section at 730 am and my DH family wants to be at the hospital waiting for us while i am in surgery...i keep telling him i don't want anyone there and that i want to get up to our room and spend a little time getting myself together and bond with baby before everyone comes and takes her away from me.  My family is super understanding and my mom and dad who will have our 6 year old will get her out of school early and bring her up around noon or so but how do you tell people when you want them to come but not sound rude??

Avion22

Would you be okay with them waiting in the waiting room?  I mean, obviously they won't be allowed to come and see you and baby until you are feeling up for visitors (IF you are feeling up for visitors), but I don't really see any harm with them waiting in the waiting room.  I mean, if they want to sit in uncomfortable chairs for what could potentially be a really REALLY long time, then more power to them.  It doesn't mean you have to let them in to see you any sooner than you feel comfortable.  

Beth592013

I just feel like this is my one wish because my husband has a huge family and I know everyone will be wanting to visit. I just rather not have anyone there until after she is born but I feel like my husband can't respect my one wish.

beccam1230

Honestly I feel like this should be your call. While I realize this is one of the most important events in your husband's life as well as yours, YOU are the one giving birth and your comfort level should be one of his top priorities. It's an extremely private experience and it needs to be an environment that you're as comfortable as possible in. And like you said, if this is the one thing you're asking, he should respect it. It's not tragic for his mother to see your baby shortly after birth.
My husband told me that I could have whoever I wanted there with me, as long as I was comfortable.. that's what mattered. Later he told me that he was so focused on me and the baby that he didn't even think about who else was there (my mom).
I wish I could tell you something that could change his mind. Good luck and I hope it works out so that you are as comfortable as possible.

MJC1116

Is it just his mom visiting or are you worried that if she comes, the rest of his family will follow?

It sounds like this is really important to your husband, too. My suggestion would be to talk it out and see why he feels so strongly in having her there (in the waiting room), and you tell him why you feel how you feel. Maybe you can come up with a compromise.

I know everyone is different, but before I had DD, I thought I would be annoyed by having people at the hospital. But truthfully, I was so focused on labor that I totally lost sight of it. Nobody came in while I was laboring. They waited until I was ready to have visitors after I got cleaned up and had bonding time with the baby. I actually forgot all about them.

Definitely talk to your H about it.

cMichelle0423

At the end of the day, if you tell the nurses at L&D that you don't want any visitors, then they will make sure NO ONE comes to your room. So I guess the only thing you have to worry about is how your H will react. I'd talk to him just to avoid a fight, BUT if he still won't support you, then he'll just have to deal. It's your labor, therefore, when it comes to stuff like this, you make the rules.

DH and I had a similar situation when we started to discuss who would be at the hospital, and like you, I only want him there. I don't have any family near by so I don't have to worry about them. But DH's family (on his dad's side, his parents are divorced) is very much expecting to be called as soon as I'm in labor, but they're going to have to suck it up because I don't want any visitors at all while I'm at the hospital.

TallMomma29

I strongly believe that this is a decision that is 100% the birthing mother's call.  I think it is fair to have a conversation with your husband about his perspective, but at the end of the day it is totally your call, and if you are not comfortable with people there, nobody else should be there.  End of story!   It's 100% ok to be "selfish" in this situation. 

ETA:  I have no idea what I will be like in labor, but I don't want anyone there besides DH either!  

ncbelle

You aren't being rude.  You aren't a watched pot and that's exactly how I'd feel with people hanging around.  While I think dad's feelings about birth are important, in this case he needs to understand that you are about to go through a super intense experience and that it's key YOU feel as comfortable and at ease as possible. 

MIL isn't going to miss anything by not being in the waiting room.  And I sure as heck wouldn't feel bad about not wanting her in the delivery room!!

Kriztyn

We just want immediate family.. parents & our siblings there.  Friends & extended family can stop by the next day if they want... (Might help alleviate lots of guests at our house the following week so when we want it just to be the 3 of us)

food_chick

We've always just had immediate family as well.  My dad and siblings in the waiting room, though to be honest I cannot remember if siblings were there the whole time.  You really won't care once you're in labor.  I did have both of our moms in the room during labor and delivery, I mostly forgot they were even there.  They stayed back for the most part and no one held our baby except me for the first few hours.  It is all such a blur, I cannot even remember how long before DH held them.  This time I will probably have our moms wait in the waiting room for most of labor because I'm hoping to do it natural again and I think it will help me focus.  I definitely say talk to your DH and hear him out, maybe agree she can wait in the waiting room for the later stages of labor.  You guys decide when to call her, so she won't know unless you tell her anything.  

refletch

While I understand that we as women are the ones delivering, it is your husband's child and experience too.  I can understand not wanting anyone in the delivery room with you but I don't see the harm in having family (especially parents) in the waiting room, especially if this is important to your husband.  It's about BOTH of you.

Rrrrrachel

No,it s&s not. It's just not. It's not about "both" of us when my husband has a medical procedure,and that's what this is! YOU are the patient, not your husband. YOU get the say in who visits and who doesn't. You may not be able to keep them out of the waiting room, but you should not compromise what you will feel comfortable with. It's important to feel as comfortable as possible while you're in labor.

Abcollins57

mtrhomegirl said:

I am having the same issue...i am scheduled for a c-section at 730 am and my DH family wants to be at the hospital waiting for us while i am in surgery...i keep telling him i don't want anyone there and that i want to get up to our room and spend a little time getting myself together and bond with baby before everyone comes and takes her away from me.  My family is super understanding and my mom and dad who will have our 6 year old will get her out of school early and bring her up around noon or so but how do you tell people when you want them to come but not sound rude??

We have this exact same situation. I agreed to let his family come during the c-section because I would like them there for him if God forbid something goes wrong. Or if there is an hour or so where I'm in recovery and baby is in nursery. But I have made my demands very clear. When we get to our room, no one is allowed for the first hour (I used the excuse that the nurses will be setting us up, etc etc) and no one but immediate family on day 1. I do not want a parade of people in and out of my room while I have a catheter! The next day can be for extended family and friends!

cMichelle0423

refletch said:

While I understand that we as women are the ones delivering, it is your husband's child and experience too.  I can understand not wanting anyone in the delivery room with you but I don't see the harm in having family (especially parents) in the waiting room, especially if this is important to your husband.  It's about BOTH of you.

I'm not sure what the point is in letting people wait in the waiting room if the mother doesn't want any visitors for her or the baby.

PrimRoseMama

Tell the nurses that no one but your spouse is allowed in the room. They will be the bad guy & can even handle your husband if he gets stupid. Your labor, your way. Stick to your guns.

PrimRoseMama

refletch said:

While I understand that we as women are the ones delivering, it is your husband's child and experience too.  I can understand not wanting anyone in the delivery room with you but I don't see the harm in having family (especially parents) in the waiting room, especially if this is important to your husband.  It's about BOTH of you.

Disagree. The mom is the one doing all the physical labor. Have you been through labor yet? It's exhausting & emotional. If a woman isn't up to entertaining guests or family after pushing out a baby then that should be respected. Family won't die to wait a couple hours or until the next day.

apmom

My recommendation would be to try to get on the same page with DH... Labor is such an emotional, connecting, exhausting and trying experience, that it would be a shame to have this still hang over your heads in the room.  GL.

JAM85

No one except my doula and DH are
In the room for labor and up to 1 hour after birth so we can establish BF. If they want to be in the waiting room then that's fine but they will know ahead of time what to expect. I don't think it is unreasonable at all-
It's our birth!

Kander320

This exactly:

refletch said:

While I understand that we as women are the ones delivering, it is your husband's child and experience too.  I can understand not wanting anyone in the delivery room with you but I don't see the harm in having family (especially parents) in the waiting room, especially if this is important to your husband.  It's about BOTH of you.

jess9802

My in-laws wanted to wait in the waiting room while I was in labor. I said no, I didn't want anyone at the hospital while I was in labor. They bitched about it, and my response was essentially, tough shit. I wanted my husband there to support me, and not be distracted by them or feeling the need to step out and give them updates. They live 10 minutes from the hospital and there was no reason to plan to be in a tiny little waiting room for God knows how many hours then waiting even longer while we went through the initial recovery period.

In the end, it was fine. They never complained about not being at the hospital during my labor. I was induced, checked into the hospital the night before, and the day I was in labor they went to work and carried on normally. DH kept everyone informed on the progress of labor via text messages and quick phone calls and didn't have to leave the room to do so. We called them shortly after DS was born and they were at the hospital a couple of hours later. My parents showed up just as they were getting ready to leave, and it was perfect.

laurblum

Read some of the responses.. I don't want anyone in my room either. I basically told my mom and mother in law that if they want to spend their time sitting in a hospital waiting room instead of comfortably at home then go right ahead. After the baby is born I am not rushing my quiet time with her and thats just tough shit for anyone who disapproves. I want skin to skin and then I'm nursing. From what I understand the lactation consultant comes in to help right away and I don't want anyone ooooohing and aaahhhhing and wanting to hold her while I'm trying to pay attention and learn a brand new skill. After I feed her and we are both cleaned up people can come in. You aren't being rude, you are allowed to have what you want on the day you're birthing a human. You need to express that fact to your husband until he gets it. And again, if his mother wants to wait for hours in a waiting room until you say she can come in, then let her. Who cares. She did it to herself.

Mrs_D_in_KY

I say if they want to wait in the waiting room, then let them. I'm putting my foot down when I have DS #2 that I'm not having 20 people in my room while I'm dealing with labor pains. It's just DH and I throughout the whole thing and even after the baby comes out.

After having DS #1 as soon as he was cleaned up DH went to tell everyone who proceeded to come in the room. Yes it helped deter visitors later. But everyone wanted to take pictures and I still had all of my lines hooked up.

I told DH this time everyone can deal with it and they will know I'm in labor. If they choose to come up before I'm ready for visitors then tough.

Yes it's a special moment between DH and but I am calling the shots.

awc1986

I think your DH is being selfish. I get that it's his child, but it's your vagina and you should decide who's getting all up in it when you're giving birth. If he wants his mother there as support, then could he ask her to stay nearby? Maybe there's a hospital cafe or waiting room that she can hang about in? They should both respect your decision to only want DH with you when your in the delivery suite. 

DH and I are very much "team just us 2 thanks!" and our hospital only allows one birthing partner in the delivery room. My dad lives 10 mins away, so will come up once we've settled down a bit. Other than that, we're asking people to wait until we're home. 

Empireceo

I would be super pissed if my H wanted to go against my wishes regarding the birth of our kid. Sure, it's his too but in this particular situation, your feelings and desires are what counts. Tell the nurses your wishes and if your H has a tantrum about it, too bad.

Justabean3

Most men have NO clue what labor entails and the amount of stress involved. Show him a YouTube video.

My problem I want my mom there but not his but this is our 3rd. I vomit at least 12 hours after

RachelCA29

jess9802 said:

My in-laws wanted to wait in the waiting room while I was in labor. I said no, I didn't want anyone at the hospital while I was in labor. They bitched about it, and my response was essentially, tough shit. I wanted my husband there to support me, and not be distracted by them or feeling the need to step out and give them updates. They live 10 minutes from the hospital and there was no reason to plan to be in a tiny little waiting room for God knows how many hours then waiting even longer while we went through the initial recovery period.

In the end, it was fine. They never complained about not being at the hospital during my labor. I was induced, checked into the hospital the night before, and the day I was in labor they went to work and carried on normally. DH kept everyone informed on the progress of labor via text messages and quick phone calls and didn't have to leave the room to do so. We called them shortly after DS was born and they were at the hospital a couple of hours later. My parents showed up just as they were getting ready to leave, and it was perfect.

Exactly this. It's not so much that people can/will force themselves into the delivery room, but if she (or they) are all out in the waiting room they are still there and providing a distraction from the experience that is for you and your husband to enjoy/cherish.

I don't want people at the hospital for this reason. If I am in labour for a really long time and people are there waiting, I don't' want to feel the pressure to cut our initial baby bonding time short because"they've been waiting for hours". We've told family we will let them know when I am in labour and then we will let them know when they can come to the hospital to visit. And when we tell them it's okay to visit it means they will be more than welcome to come to see us in the room and meet the baby. If they are there before that, they aren't welcome and baby/mom visiting won't happen. 

For myself, mom, dad and baby bonding time is very important. Paramount in my mind. So I don't want that aspect of the birth interrupted in anyway. Luckily my husband is very on board with this, because he knows how strongly I feel about the initial bonding time and first try at BFing, uninterrupted.

darkangel42

It's a stressful enough time without everyone crowding and it's totally down to you who you want seeing you in that state.

Can you offer the compromise to husband that his Mom can be in the building but not in the room with the promise that she can visit first when you and baby have had a chance to calm down and clean up?

Your doctor or midwife will probably ask you who's coming in with you and it's up to you who you say as your medical team won't go against you on that.

PrimRoseMama

Also lol that it's "both your labor" it's my ass/vagina in the breeze & I'm the one pushing the kid out. When my husband is doing the lion's share of the physical labor then he can tell me how & who is privy to the experience.

#sorrynotsorry

ililheatheri

I'm with the minority here, i agree this is an incredibly exciting, important, and stressful day for my husband as well. With my first delivery, both sets of parents, my grandparents, and his sister were all in the waiting room, but not allowed in the delivery room because I wanted that to be for me and my husband and I didn't feel comfortable with other people being there. I do think that it's normal for parents of the new mom and dad to want to be at the hospital... 1.if everything goes well, they want to celebrate the arrival of a new baby!! 2.what if there are medical emergencies that come up? What if my husband needs some kind of emotional support from others regarding decisions about me and his new baby and I'm unable to be there? What if he needs to go to a separate location with the baby and wants to be able to send someone to support me? 3. What if he wants to have someone grab him some dinner? There are just tons of things that can happen throughout the process.

Also I don't think having them there versus home should change the level of contact... my husband sent like hourly texts to both sets of parents just to let them know what's going on in there. I'm really not sure what some of you mean by needing his attention 100% of the time, he was right next to me the whole time, but the occasional text to let family know that me and the baby were still safe did not interfere with my "attention." Our families would've been worried about potential complications, my first labor was over 24 hours... they would have had awful images and concerns if we didn't give them occasional updates.

FYI, the nurses don't let people in the room until you allow them to. I was able to breastfeed, do skin to skin, and enjoy the moment with my husband for a while before we invited anyone up, then we just did 2 at a time, so we pretty much set a 10 minute limit for each set and then they all stayed away until we called them the next day.

Definitely talk to your husband, but maybe set some compromising rules that allow you to be comfortable but also allows him to have a support system as well.

jenn43

I'm in a similar situation with my family.  We've tried asking them politely to wait at home (10 minutes away), and we've flat out told them that they won't be allowed in the room until at least an hour after the birth, but I'm am certain they'll insist on hanging out in the waiting room.  Which is fine.... I will tell the nurses that we are not to have visitors or phone calls until after the birth, and my husband will be turning his cell phone off, as will I.  So they can wait if they want to, but I will not feel obligated to update them.

cMichelle0423

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jenn43 said:

I'm in a similar situation with my family.  We've tried asking them politely to wait at home (10 minutes away), and we've flat out told them that they won't be allowed in the room until at least an hour after the birth, I'm am certain they'll insist on hanging out in the waiting room.  Which is fine.... I will tell the nurses that we are not to have visitors or phone calls until after the birth, and my husband will be turning his cell phone off, as will I.  So they can wait if they want to, but I will not feel obligated to update them.

Just to point out, an hour after delivery still might be too early to start having visitors, IMO. An hour after i delivered DS1 i still wasn't even moved into my postpartum room. (I know not hospitals are the same and some delivery rooms also double as pp rooms.) PLUS just imagine how exhausted you'll be after laboring for hours AND pushing out a baby. Just something to think about for anyone who thinks that all the work is done after the baby is out.

lifeisbetteronthered

I was in a similar situation last time.  My SILs assumed that they would be in the room, and DH wanted everyone in the waiting room, at least.  I was very adamant that it be only him & I in the room, and no one even in the waiting room, as I didn't want him to feel pressure to go out and entertain them (which he would have, and they would have expected him to ... an on going issue in our relationship is managing their expectations and his need to meet them, often above our needs).  I had agreed that family could visit a couple of hours after baby was born.

In the end (after discussing it with couples out side of his family) he understood.  It ended up a moot point anyway as DD was born in January, during an out break of RSV and no visitor were allowed at the women's or children's hospitals at all.

It ended up being such a great experience having our first 24 hours as just our new little family.  We were able to get a private room and DH roomed in with me.  I spent the entire time basically topless working on BF and napping.  We both were really thankful for the private bonding time without the pressure of sharing DD with anyone else or entertaining anyone.  Both of our families came over our first night home, bringing dinner and cleaning everything up after (unexpected, we had planned on ordering in for everyone).  They stayed for 3 hours then all left without being asked (I suspect this was on the orders of one of my other SILs).  It was wonderful.

We both enjoyed it so much that way that this time DH told his family that we aren't taking any visitors until we get home, before we even discussed it.  It will be a little different this time because DD will be 17 months and so DH will be home with her for a lot of my stay in hospital, but we will work out what we can to recreate what we had last time.

I highly recommend taking as much time as you need as just your new family before letting the rest of the world in.  I would not have been ready 1 hour after delivery ... and probably not even 3 hours later (we didn't have a straight forward delivery).  That 24 hours really set the stage for our family unit and a great basis for dual parenting as DH did most of the cuddles and changes in that time (I was pretty wiped out).  These jobs would have been taken over by MIL and my 4 SILs had they been there.

veetveet

For my first I wanted my mom and husband there. His dad and step mom were in the waiting room. I made it clear I did not want anyone there. Not even visitors the next day.

My body, my level of comfort..... no one else's

cMichelle0423

I don't even understand why there's a need for debate over something like this. In some ways I feel like it should be an unspoken agreement that whatever the laboring woman says goes. I'm not quite sure how anyone can dispute that.

coffee89

No one will be in the delivery room excect my husband and DH agrees with me. I don't care who is sitting around the hospital (or at my apartment in the case of my out of town parents) because I get a say on who sees me when. DH can go out to the waiting room if anyone felt like sitting around for hours and talk to them after our bonding time and while I'm getting cleaned up. I'll allow our families to meet baby when we both feel ready and not a moment sooner. I'm pretty sure DH is way on board with that as well.

I'm more pissed about the fact that my MIL talked about coming to our apartment with the other grand kids as soon as we get home and since she refuses to drive the 45 minutes to see us (we live "too far away"), she expects DH to be able to pick her up if I can't make it to her house with baby. I've not squashed that one yet, but I have 0 problems standing up for our needs.