Loss check-in

shandorfml2

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Maybe Joleisa

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I went to NJ last week and had my TAC surgery done to make sure my cervix never ever dilates again. Having this surgery was definitely part of my healing process, as I would've done ANYTHING to save my boys. I still play the blame game with myself in my head--that is not helping me heal, but I don't know how to stop it.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My next goal is to heal physically (surgery involved a c-section--just not through uterus) and move on to another IVF cycle as soon as my RE gives me the green light. I can't exercise right now, so I'm going to try to be really good with my diet. (The best way to burn calories will be to not eat them!)

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss? The MFM who delivered me was with my practice, but one I had never met before. She was wonderful x 100. The other doctors (the ones who did nothing for me as I begged for something) I feel are assholes and I will need to find a new practice.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Hand-picking who I want to see has heavily favored my single friends vs my friends who have babies/children, who could be pregnant or who have just gotten married. I don't want to feel like this--these gals are wonderful friends!

kflynn81

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?   Yes, I created a new "friendless" Facebook page. A place where I can check out my coupon deals and recipes without being BOMBARDED!!!!!!!!!!  by babies popping up on my wall. Bombarded isn't even the best word for what my wall is like, UGH!!!!   New Facebook-land is much more quiet and peaceful ::sigh:: 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Next goal is to just relax and do something other than obsess over why other people get babies (some even more than one) that live and I couldn't even have one. I have to wait two weeks for it, but hubs and I are going to Vegas to just focus on us. No work, no friends, no family, no drama.... just booze

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss?  Well... the OB that saw me while I was pregnant wasn't even a part of Jack's delivery and didn't know he was gone until I called to cancel my upcomgin OB appts. The OB that saw me in the hospital though she was supportive. I only saw her twice for follow up appts....she won't be my OB in any future pregnancies because her hospital isn't high enough in their NICU status....but she was very empathetic and let me talk as long as I wanted/needed to.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?  Just wanting some more warm weather so I can get my flip flops out!!!  Also....the countdown has begun for my boss coming back from maternity leave. I'm glad she hasn't brought her kid in (yet...knock on wood) but I'm dreading the quietness of our office being turned into constant "OOOOOH THE BAAAAAAABY" talk like it was before the kid popped out. Not fun... I may quit, I'm serious this time.

Bgirma

@kflynn81- I'm so sorry about your job situation. My co-worker and I were due 7 days apart and we both had our sons on Christmas Day (she was 5 days late, I was 2 days early). It has been difficult, for obvious reasons that I know you understand, and I was dreading seeing her and going back into the office but she has been amazingly supportive. She only talks about her son when I ask and has been so sensitive to my feelings. I REALLY hope your boss is the same way. I'm sending positive thoughts your way! ((Hugs))

Bgirma

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I had a breakdown on Wesley's 3 month birthday (Wednesday) but I worked through it by going to my counselor, writing in my journal and going for a run. It was hard but I was okay.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? We are going to finalize the headstone plans. I know that I've been avoiding it but it's time to force myself to get it done.

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss?
My OB was very supportive. She wasn't on duty during my labor and delivery but she visited us on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just to visit us and see how we were doing. She held Wesley and told us that he was beautiful. I really appreciated that.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? We *think* that we are going to try to conceive in the late spring/summer. Last month, I was really closed off to the idea is trying but t's on my mind constantly now. I feel like I'm finally more excited than terrified (but I'm still a little terrified).

kflynn81

Bgirma said:

@kflynn81- I'm so sorry about your job situation. My co-worker and I were due 7 days apart and we both had our sons on Christmas Day (she was 5 days late, I was 2 days early). It has been difficult, for obvious reasons that I know you understand, and I was dreading seeing her and going back into the office but she has been amazingly supportive. She only talks about her son when I ask and has been so sensitive to my feelings. I REALLY hope your boss is the same way. I'm sending positive thoughts your way! ((Hugs))

My boss is totally supportive, she's had multiple miscarriages  so while she doesn't completely know what I'm going through she still gets it. Its the whole rest of the staff that are idiots around me.... my one coworker likes to come to my desk and show me pictures of her two year old. I mean, seriously? There's 30 other people here and you pick me?

dadalou

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. I started exercising last week and I have been really good about doing it every day for at least 20 minutes.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? To be able to bike outside. I think I need a couple more weeks before that is a good idea. It being a little warmer outside and trails not being covered in snow or mud would be good too.

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss? Definitely. The whole practice was amazing to us. There are 6 doctors. 3 came to see us in the hospital. They were all very concerned about me. My doctor wanted to have me make an appointment with her just to talk. I did and DH and I ended up being there for about 2 hours. When we left the office had actually been closed for at least 1/2 an hour an we didn't even know. I saw her again for my 6 week check up last week and she wants me to call her or come see her if I need to. She said she will probably call to check on me too.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? It seems like people around us are starting to forget about Nathaniel. That makes me sad.

Jellybean71514

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Been trying to get out a bit each day even if for a few hours - it has helped to stay occupied but there's been a few situations to set me off into a pool of tears.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My next goal is to start attending group therapy this week-

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss? No not so much - I felt they have given me the sympathetic look but that was about it- my fiancé and I decided as we get to a place of TTC again we will change to a high risk doctor so we feel more comfortable that every precaution is being taken at that point.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Still the guilt that there may have been something more I could have done to prevent this and thinking a lot about the days leading up to it, every person I saw and every place I was in the last few days leading up to this has been difficult to even think about. I know it's done and there is nothing I can do at this point but grieve and try to accept it all has happened but it's just hard - dealing with other pregnant women and those with kids have been especially hard and I've just been avoiding them at all cost-

gracie5107

**signature warning**

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I intro'd here   I also started journaling a few notes about how I'm feeling and dealing here and there.  I try to get out of the house each day also and do something productive. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? DH will be going back to work this week and I need to get my son back on his schedule and send him with the sitter.  I'm not looking forward to the alone time.  My plan is that DH will go a half day tomorrow and I will keep my son home with me so I'm not totally on my own.  The next day I hope that my son will go to the sitter at least a half day and DH will do a full day at work.  I hope to have a hair appointment to get myself out of the house.  By the end of the week we hope to have a normal schedule running for my son and DH.  Not yet sure when I'll be ready to head back to work...

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss? She wasn't terrible, but she definitely could have been better.  She sent a card and let me know I could come and see her whenever I wanted.  She had me schedule a quick follow up appointment (2-3 weeks instead of 6) and I think this is to emotionally check on me.  However, I would have thought she, or at least her office, would have called to check on me soon after my loss.  I know that she feels badly about the loss, but she is not too touch/feely of a person. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Basically just how we're going to get through this week.  My son's 2nd birthday is on Friday and I have to psych myself up to get things ready to his party.  Luckily, we had planned it to be small, but we still will be having grandparents staying with us and things have to get done. 

GymSpaz26

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? My husband is out of town for two days. This will be the longest I've been by myself. So really the challenge is to do whatever I need to not fall apart!

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I will be running a 5k on Saturday! I'm actually not so stressed out by the actual running part. I've been training and while slowly, I know I'll make it to the end. I'm more nervous however about all the people and everything. I'm doing it with a lady I only sort of know from the Y, and won't know anyone else. I've been really overwhelmed and had a lot of anxiety the last couple times I've been in places with a lot of people, especially with people I don't know well or at all. Trying to just talk myself through it, I guess.

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss? Our son passed away at home, so there weren't any doctors involved initially. However the surgeon (who I met on delivery day) was wonderful when I had follow-up visit. I felt so comfortable with her, even though I hadn't know her before. She was so loving and just truly hurting for us and wanting to know how we (including my husband) were doing physically, emotionally, sleep, all categories. I've seen my midwife three times over the last couple months. She has also called just to talk and see how I am doing a couple times. It has been really good to feel like I have her support and I can go to her and just talk through things and cry with her if I need to. My last visit was to talk more about future pregnancies, etc. and she was so good about talking through what might be scary and was so excited to see pictures of our boy (she didn't see him after delivery and he was with us for 3.5 days). I wish I could keep her in a future pregnancy, but will probably have to change if we end up trying to do a VBAC.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? This week has been hard as I've just been realizing how old our son would be, his size, milestones, etc. For some reason this week it has been more concrete.

gracie5107

@GymSpaz26 I'm sending you good vibes for your time away from your husband and success with your 5K! 

LyndseyTS

@dadalou I think that others forgetting about Serenity is still my biggest fear. I have a constant need to have her life validated. I’m sorry that it feels like others around you are starting to forget about Nathaniel. Thinking of you.

@Jellybean71514 I struggle with this a lot too. In my mind I know that it’s not the case and I really couldn’t have done anything, but convincing my heart is another thing altogether. You couldn’t have either. Sometimes it helps to hear it.

@GymSpaz26 I feel the anxiety too! I thought it made me crazy. Glad to know I’m not the only one (but hoping that it goes away for you too). Wishing you the best with the 5k! You can do this. J

@chickinNH Don’t be too hard on yourself for not wanting to talk to others. Sometimes you need some alone time and that’s absolutely okay. More than okay. Someday you’ll be ready to re-engage slowly and at your own pace. I’ve finally started being okay with talking to others again (but even that is only people I know fairly well).

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I've decided to slow down a little bit. I went back to work for four days last week (which in hindsight was not a good idea). My body is telling me that I need to rest physically, but I feel guilty because I think that others don't understand it when I turn down jobs to rest. I feel like, if I had Serenity with me, they would "get it", but I don't and they don't. This week I'm not taking on anymore jobs than I have and am making a concentrated effort to rest as much as I can (something I have never been good at).

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Honestly my next goal is to start making goals again and get out of the apathetic state which is so not (old) me. I want to be able to do some of the things that I was working toward for Serenity even though she's not with us. I think she would want us to make healthier choices and not just be lethargic, though I'm sure she understands the sadness. This thought gives me motivation, anyway.

QOTW: Was your doctor emotionally supportive of you during your loss?

Our midwife was wonderful the whole way along. In the hospital, we had a nurse who was not the best which has made things more of a struggle. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see our daughter at first because I didn't know what she would look like (she had Turner's Syndrome and as such a huge fluid build-up) and didn't want it to taint my love for her. The nurse basically said that I wouldn't want to look at her and essentially forbade us from taking pictures. That was stressful. Fortunately my midwife talked me into looking at our precious daughter. She didn't look a monster at all. She was beautiful. I'm so thankful for our midwife. She was amazing through everything.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I'm still really struggling with anxiety in public places. This is so polar opposite my "old" self and has been frustrating. I still won't venture into public places alone unless I absolutely have to. I'm trying to figure out what exactly it is I'm afraid of.

Jellybean71514

@LyndseyTS‌ thanks for listening I know too in my mind there's not much I could have done, still my heart struggles with it- I also have the anxiety when I'm out in public places alone .... I think for me it's just getting acclimated to the 'pace' around me and amount of people I've been secluding myself from the past few weeks ....so I have been trying to take short trips here and there and I allow myself to leave without feeling badly when I know the anxiety has built up too much and there's a possible breakdown of tears coming. You will venture in your own time just make sure it is at your own pace- remove yourself from any situation when you
need to and know it's ok- xo

GymSpaz26

@LyndseyTS As I said before, I'm still dealing with some anxiety, but a lot less than before. One of the things that I think was part of it for me was just fear of what people might say or ask. Everyone (people I know) always wanted to know how I was doing. They care and that is good, but it got to the point that I just wanted to hide and not have anyone else ask me how I was. Also for me, I realized when the moments finally happened, that I was afraid of someone who didn't know asking me about the baby, or asking if I have kids. I had both of those experiences for the first time the week our son would have been 3 months. They were both hard and horribly awkward, but I realized shortly after that my anxiety seemed to have gone down a bit. I think maybe just realizing that I could make it through and not fall apart took away some of that fear. Anxiety sucks, but it will get better. Just talk yourself through things. And have an "escape" plan if you need to. My counselor suggested going into the bathroom or something and just kind of talking myself down, until I feel like I'm a little more in control of things again. And then have the grace with yourself to decide, I just need to get out of here, or go home, or whatever and not feel badly about it.

LyndseyTS

@GymSpaz26 Thank you for sharing the tips your counselor gave you. I'm still trying to figure out what to do in terms of counseling/support groups/etc. I think you have probably articulated where my fear comes from as well, which is helpful. I don't know how I will respond if/when (I'm sure it's bound to come) any of those questions are asked. Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to know that things do get better, slowly.

GymSpaz26

@LyndseyTS The first time I was asked was horribly awkward and hard to keep from crying. But each time, it has gotten a little easier. I know it will never be easy. And my answer is different with each person, just depending on our relationship, how I feel that day, and sometimes just whatever happens to fall out of my mouth. But it does get easier. I think also thinking about the poor person who asks and how awful it would be to be that person and what they must feel has also helped me realize that it is hard and awkward for everybody and it's just always going to be that way. (I guess I'm pretty empathetic by nature, I can't imagine being the person to ask about someone's baby and have them tell me the baby died. Obviously it is nothing like losing your baby, but I would still feel horribly had I asked in this situation...)