Fears?

MelissaMiso

I, of course, have fears of NOT being able to conceive at this age but I was thinking today how getting a BFP (and pregnancy and having a baby) will also be scary. I was wondering what kind of fears or concerns others have about actually getting pregnant. Please share your concerns.

I worry about not having enough space in our house and that we don't currently live in the safest of areas. I also am concerned that I won't have enough energy to keep up with being a working mother. I have other concerns as well but I have to get off the computer at the moment.

Pintobean39

I worry that I'm no going to be able to raise the child. My mom died at 48, almost 8 yrs older than I am now. Also I have lots of muscle problems and sometimes simple things may be difficult for me. It scares me. I actually had a long conversation about this to my neurologist Monday. She sees no concern but it still scares me. I don't want to bring a child in this world only to no be able to raise it all on my own.

MelissaMiso

@Pintobean39 I am so sorry you lost your mom. She was so young.

CML11

Hugs to you both!
I'm sorry to hear that Pintobean, I'm sure that must be scary. It's good that your doctor may have given you a little comfort.
I think I probably have all the similar fears to you MelissaMiso. My mother tells me things like she had 4 kids by the time she was 32. So I am worried about being a first time mom in my late 30's. Worried I may not have the family I always envisioned (2-3 kids). Worried about the risk factors with age...
I could write a book on my fears! Thankfully (as many of you) I have a supportive DH that helps put my fears aside.

HeathernSteven

well my first fear of not being able to conceive seems founded but I always feared being old and having my child on their own early in life. I am 41 still have both parents, who are in the early 70's, but if I got pregnant now, I would be 62 when the child was graduating college. That scares me.

But the big one is $$ I fear not having the money to give the child the experiences I had as a child, vacations and such.

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Mommalawyer

-- Child Mentioned-----

This is going to sound completely stupid, but on one hand I'm terrified that I won't get pregnant, but on the other hand I'm terrified I'll get pregnant with multiples and not be able to carry them. I'm a fairly petite individual & could barley handle one in this ute last time. So yeah, I'm fearful of that. I hope no one takes it the wrong way, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with multiples, that I wouldn't love to have multiples or anything of that sort. Shoot, I think twins would be awesome. I'm afraid of my body crapping out on me & not being able to carry them.

My other fear is my DD. I was a single mom raising her. So naturally, we are extremely close. I mean extremely. We are peas in a pod, best friends. We can't function without the other. And she is very attached to me. She's is also extremely protective of me, which is bizarre cause I've never seen a child act this way with an adult. And she can get very jealous too. Sometimes she's not so nice to DH when she wants me all to herself. I'm not saying she's a monster, she's not. She's just very in tune with how she feels about Mommy and when she decides she wants me all to herself, she can get pretty emotional. I'm afraid of how DD will feel with another baby. She has already voiced concern about not wanting to share me or being afraid I won't love her as much ect. That hurts me. I fear I'm hurting her by having another, if that makes sense. My other fear is having another child and not having the same kind of super close relationship with that child, or loving unequally, or something like that. I never thought I could love someone as much and as unconditionally as I love DD. Can Iove two kids exactly like that? Again, this is probably an irrational fear cause every mom I have talked to who has more than one says you love them just the same. But what if I'm that one person on the planet who doesn't?!?!! Argh! (Pretty sure the erratic fertility hormones are kicking in here. Be gentle!)

Mommalawyer

IFinTN said:

I fear the changes to my life...I have spent about 18 years living my life without having to make many sacrifices. I sleep in if I want, I eat where and when I want and DH and I can take a night out or a trip whenever we want:) big changes!!

I was the same way before I had DD. You'd be shocked how things just kinda fall into place and don't feel like a sacrifice all the time. But, I hear you sister.

MelissaMiso

(((Hugs to all)))

Another fear is having a pregnancy that goes awfully and needing bed rest for any portion of it. We are financially strained due to my husband previous employer going out of business and he is currently working part time (with the potential of getting a full time position). We cannot afford to live without my salary.

BeckyP005

@Pintobean39 I am so sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age. Nice to hear your Dr thinks you will be fine.
@Mommalawyer I have no experience but maybe when she sees the baby she will surprise you all

Well you ladies pretty much summed it up!

Good health and a long life are not guaranteed and sad situations happen at any age but I feel so guilty sometimes wanting to bring a baby into the world at my age...will be 46 in May. Will be 67 when child is 21. I would hope future child will have great relationship with cousins and aunts n uncles and good friends to help out if needed. Hoping they can provide a support system.

I have leg issues and feel crippled half the time lol. Wonder how I will keep up with a child!

I know I'm not the only one but finally having a baby and then putting baby in daycare for 10 hrs? Ugh this just makes me sad. Hoping my hours get cut back!! I could go on and on.

Davie813

MelissaMiso said:

@Pintobean39 I am so sorry you lost your mom. She was so young.

I'm sorry, @pintobean39. I'm glad you got a good report from the neurologist.

Yes, I think you guys covered most of it--fear of something terrible happening to the baby or DD, fear that I won't love them equally, fear that DD will feel shortchanged or "replaced," not fear, exactly, but anxiety about bankrolling _two_ ( I refuse to even consider the possibility of twins) daycares, college educations, etc.

I'm also afraid because some days I feel like, time wise, were barely managing one kid. If I were younger, this would definitely not be the best time to add a second. Especially if he/she had special needs (likely at our age), we might be in for a challenge.

But on the balance, we've decided that the pros far outweigh the cons!

Astrabacus

My really big fear is something close to @Mommaalawyer. I fear about how Tove will react to me having a baby that is actually mine. There is a high possibility that I will be adopting him once he is five, but I was hoping by that time we would already have a baby, or at least be pregnant. We are really close, and he's only just really getting used to seeing my partner as a father, even though he's never been without him, and the fact that I've always been his Mummy.

I do know something that may be a little bit of comfort to you though, @Mommaalawyer. My mum was a single mum from I was five, but she was already a week pregnant with my little sister at that time. I don't know how old you daughter is, but I was already really really close to my mum, and fiercely protective of her, and was dead set against having to share her with someone. In fact, I was so bad that my mum was going to give her up for adoption when she was born. And then she was born and immediately I adored her. And now where would I be without her?

URMySunshine77

Mommalawyer said:

I fear the changes to my life...I have spent about 18 years living my life without having to make many sacrifices. I sleep in if I want, I eat where and when I want and DH and I can take a night out or a trip whenever we want:) big changes!!

I was the same way before I had DD. You'd be shocked how things just kinda fall into place and don't feel like a sacrifice all the time. But, I hear you sister.

(child mentioned)

@IFinTN I was also afraid of not being able to sleep in and do whatever I wanted before DS arrived. I am a real night owl and love sleeping in to 9 a.m. I have to chime in with @Mommalawyer and say that it has been easier than I had imagined to sacrifice after DS's birth. I think that you will also be surprised. We are also getting used to taking him on hikes and trips and you'll start new routines and traditions to keep active. 

(edited for spelling)

PrivateOne

You all speak honestly and from the heart about your fears. Sending big ((((Hugs)))) to you all.

One of my favorite sayings "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". May we all embrace that now and forever.

I too have many of the fears you all mentioned.  But I'll also add this one in....pregnancy. It actually really scares me.  I am quite short (not even 5ft tall). I also have pretty big boobs (oops tmi) for my height. I just look down and think where would a baby even fit in my body, lol. Then there is labor, ugh. I think I'll stop now so I don't upset myself

thirtyninetoforty

My biggest fear is being able to do this on my own.  I certainly can't wait any longer to find someone to share this experience with so I need to step up to the plate.  I also think about living long enough to be a part of the child's life.  I'm 40 and still have my parents.  My dad was 40 and my mom was 35 when I was born so I guess I have a good chance.

Mommalawyer

@Astrabacus‌ - that IS comforting. It really, really is. I keep trying to think of all the ways that I can include her & make her feel super special & important during the process, if and when I get pregnant. I know in my heart she's always going to be my super special kid only because we have a bond due to making it through hell and back together.

@thirtyninetoforty‌ - you can do it. It's certainly NOT easy if you don't have any support system, but it can be done. My DDs bio dad is the king of dipshitville & was essentially worthless throughout my pregnancy (which was spent in & out of the hospital). As far as giving birth, he held a leg. After DD was born, he left us at the hospital, so he could do booze (and probably do drugs). I finally left him when DD was about a year old. I had no family, no nothing, and was very early on in my career, so I wasn't making much money. But I made it. She made it. We made it. And those hard times, it made me grow as a person. It created an impenetrable bond between DD and I that people are envious of. No matter how hard things got, I wouldn't have done anything different. You can do it without a husband/wife/boy or girlfriend/fiancé/ partner. I can promise you that.

zantster

My biggest fear is that I won't realize the joy and experiences of motherhood with DH.  On the one hand...I know that I made a conscious decision to wait to have children until I was 100% sure that I was married to a man who loved me unconditionally and vice versa and who definitely wanted to be a father and all around family man.  I got that last year when we married in September.  We could have gotten married sooner when I was 33 or 34.  But I wanted to make sure that we took a decent amount of time to truly make sure our relationship was solid since I'd been with my ex for many years and didn't want to miss any potential red flags this time around.  Also, I had never fully taken time to enjoy a relationship and engagement so that was important to me as well.  Now having a baby is very important to me.  Sure, I wish me and DH could have gotten together in our twenties.  But it didn't work out that way.  I'm not the same person today that I was back then anyway.  Timing is everything.  So, more than anything I just want to be at peace with the decisions that I've made with the knowledge I had at the time and to have no regrets no matter what happens.

Me: 35 DH:41

TTC #1

Married September 2013

Cycle 4/Month 4  

mindaa

Thanks for this thread MM!

Yes, the whole feeling of being excited and terrified at the same time, is such a crazy-making combo! I regularly warned DH that as much as I want that BFN and as excited as I'm going to be, I'm also going to be a whole lot of crazy, scared and grouchy at the same time!

@ CML11, Yes, yay for amazing DH's! I'm very blessed with a supportive DH who always has the perfect words of wisdom and encouragement.

I'm all about @PrivateOne's mantra. 

I fear loss, and of course I'm scared of labor.

Also, I mostly socialize with other CF ladies IRL... so I'm nervous about how they will react and how those relationships will change. Of course there will always be plenty of parent friends available to fill in the gaps, but it will still be sad and just adds to the whole lifestyle shift that a child brings.

Kai&Allie

I fear that if we do use a GC, DW will have a hard time bonding with our child, or that something will go wrong and the Surro will fight to be able to keep the child. I also worry about having two children close together, whilst DSD will be much older, and worry that DSD will feel like an outsider.