Advice is to stop obsessing? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Advice is to stop obsessing?

So I love my MIL but I am officially taking a break from her. She had been giving me advice nonstop about what I should try to do in order to get back to optimal health. I can't thank her enough for the good advice she has given to me. But the thing is that she keeps comparing me to another woman that she works with. This lady had a molar pregnancy, followed by a very early m/c. I endured both of those situations over the past year. Since then, the same lady had a son and is pregnant again. Of course, I keep asking MIL what she did after the second m/c. That's the whole point of telling me about her right? Anyway, MIL told me that her gyno did a great job and she just got pregnant again when she was ready. Great. Meanwhile MIL keeps mentioning that I should go to a specialist and DH should get his sperm checked. I brought up the fact that the lady she tells me about didn't go to a specialist and I already had some genetic testing. In fact DH had his sperm checked a while ago and I doubt it has changed since then. I don't want to spend money on additional tests not supported by my insurance if its unneeded. She maintains that "if it were me, I would". Here is the kicker... She brings up another woman we know who is having her twins naturally and had been using midwife. I told MIL that I am toying with the idea next time of using a midwife and just a doctor for emergencies. She texts me back, saying she doesnt agree with everything about midwives. Here is her final text to me: "Dont obsess over pregnancy or itll nvr happen. This is a known fact. U CAN GET PREGANT. THAT IS SOOO IMPORTANT AND MOLAR WAS A FLUKE Tell urself u dontcare and watch wht will (5/5) happen." Although I appreciate part of the sentiment, I am a little pissed off that she said I was obsessed like that is a bad thing. What do you think: am I being oversensitive? I feel like all I've been talking to my MIL about was pregnancy, whether it be mine or someone else we know, so I always thought SHE was obsessed, but I guess its easier to label ME as the obsessed one. Oh well.
Married my best friend 7/2/11 - Furbaby born 7/9/11 and brought into our home 9/1/11

BFP#1:   2/2/13 ~ exact m/c date unknown but around 3/20 at 10 weeks ~ diagnosed with PMP ~ D&C on 4/5 ~ TTA for at least 1 year due to PMP ~ cleared to TTC 1/14

BFP#2:   2/7/14 ~ m/c 2/20/14 ~ possibly due to chemical pregnancy ~ TG no D&C is needed 

Surprise BFP#3:  4/4/14 ~ super duper extra happy (and nervous) about this one - EDD 12/9/14!!!

John Joseph was born on 12/12/14 at 7 lbs. 11 oz.  He is the most beautiful rainbow baby we could have wished for!


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Re: Advice is to stop obsessing?

  • I chalk it up to a poor choice of words on her part and an attempt to try too hard to find a bright side or relate in some other way (even if through a third person's experience). I think she was playing the "when you stop looking for a mate/house/job/ (insert thing you want here) then that's when you end up finding it" card. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. Even if she hadn't used "obsessed" and worded it as "I bet if you stop actively trying it will just happen" (which is what she probably meant) that isn't exactly super helpful either. Maybe you should just tell her that although you appreciate the advice, the best way not to "obsess" about it is to not talk about it (with her).
    Me: 41, DH: 42, married 2009
    BFP #1: 12/05/2012; EDD 08/09/2013; MC 01/2013 (missed, D&C)
    BFP #2: 12/19/2013; EDD 08/25/2014; MC 01/2014 (natural)
    stephy1221
  • Agreed @gabbagal! Thanks for your recommendation. I think Ill let MIL slide on this one because she definitely didn't mean to hurt my feelings but at the same time Ill prbably avoid pregnancy talk with her. I'm going to therapy and she knows so it shouldn't seem weird that I'm trying to find ways to appreciate my life as it (for now, sans children). I also think a little break from people that have peeved you a bit is healthy for everyone.
    Married my best friend 7/2/11 - Furbaby born 7/9/11 and brought into our home 9/1/11

    BFP#1:   2/2/13 ~ exact m/c date unknown but around 3/20 at 10 weeks ~ diagnosed with PMP ~ D&C on 4/5 ~ TTA for at least 1 year due to PMP ~ cleared to TTC 1/14

    BFP#2:   2/7/14 ~ m/c 2/20/14 ~ possibly due to chemical pregnancy ~ TG no D&C is needed 

    Surprise BFP#3:  4/4/14 ~ super duper extra happy (and nervous) about this one - EDD 12/9/14!!!

    John Joseph was born on 12/12/14 at 7 lbs. 11 oz.  He is the most beautiful rainbow baby we could have wished for!


    image





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  • I think family crosses lines with good intent frequently. I'm sorry she said this, and I don't think you need to do anything you aren't comfortable with. (((Hugs)))


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    PG#1 - 3rd cycle BFP. Team Green. HELLP syndrome @ 34 weeks.
    Later diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, possible link to HELLP.

    PG#2 M/C 3/14 - Surprise BFP 2/13. Beta's doubled every 52 hours from 3w5d-5w5d
    Viable pregnancy scan at 5w5d; 2nd u/s showed 2 days of growth in 7 but a HB of 120
    3rd u/s on 3/10/14 had no HB and baby had only grown 7 days over 14
    D&C 3/17/14 - complications - DX Retroflexed uterus, multiple tears to cervix

    All Welcome

    Chart

  • Let me just say I am TOTALLY obsessed...in the sense that I am constantly thinking about my most recently lost baby. I am constantly thinking about my other lost baby whose due date is this April. I am constantly thinking about what DH and I will do to move forward. I think a lot of us "obsess" but shouldn't there be another word for it? Oh yeh, we are grieving. We are sad. We are confused and trying to plan the future. If someone used it in that context I probably would've taken offense as well. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way but obsess seems to have a negative connotation.
    [Deleted User]
  • agree with PPs MIL's intent was pure, word choice sucked big time. hugs. Please know you can always post here if you aren't getting the kind of support you need from your day to day interactions Since we are all loss experienced we are more careful with our words.. 
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers        Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers

    Oct Angel*BFP 1/25/14 * EDD 10/6/14 * US#1 2/26/14 *US#2 3/3/14 no heartbeat*d&c 3/12/14*

    BFP 1/17/15 * EDD 9/30/15

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  • Thanks ladies!  Agreed.  She has had some added stress this month since she has had a bad hernia so it might be clouding her judgement a bit on what is appropriate to say.  It's good to know I'm not crazy getting a bit mad though. :-)
    Married my best friend 7/2/11 - Furbaby born 7/9/11 and brought into our home 9/1/11

    BFP#1:   2/2/13 ~ exact m/c date unknown but around 3/20 at 10 weeks ~ diagnosed with PMP ~ D&C on 4/5 ~ TTA for at least 1 year due to PMP ~ cleared to TTC 1/14

    BFP#2:   2/7/14 ~ m/c 2/20/14 ~ possibly due to chemical pregnancy ~ TG no D&C is needed 

    Surprise BFP#3:  4/4/14 ~ super duper extra happy (and nervous) about this one - EDD 12/9/14!!!

    John Joseph was born on 12/12/14 at 7 lbs. 11 oz.  He is the most beautiful rainbow baby we could have wished for!


    image





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