Argument with DH (rant)

lewispm

MH and I just got in a pretty big argument on our lunch break and its really bugging me. We were discussing childcare for K and how we will no longer have my mom watch him 1 day a week (often more) because she will have 3 grandbabies to watch this summer and we have had our turn. MH proceeded to tell me all about how he is jealous of his friends with kids that get date nights all the time because grandparents are dying to watch them for free. I got defensive because my mom watches him 8, often more like 12-16 hours a week while I work for free. She also watched him 3 days a week for the first 6 months of his life. She has done MORE than most grandparents do and he was sounding very unappreciative.

He then proceeded to come back with "I know they do a lot but...." fill in the blank with various negative things about my parents like "they would rather go to the beach on the weekend than see their grandchild", "they have never volunteered to watch K for a date night without us asking them first", "I feel like they see him as a burden and it makes me feel guilty to ever ask them to watch him", etc.

I told him he was upsetting me and to please just end the discussion now and he wouldn't. If any of what he was saying was even remotely true, I would have gladly commiserated with him. However, my parents do so much for us its ridiculous. So after I got visibly upset and told him he was being ungrateful, he went on to tell me he can't bring anything up with me or discuss his feelings because I always get defensive and we rode the rest of the way back to work in silence.

It's true, I do find myself getting defensive a lot, but MH is TOO honest. Most people know that if something is going to hurt someone's feelings, unless it is necessary, just don't say it. Telling me all that negative, ungrateful crap about my parents accomplished absolutely nothing other than upsetting me. Maybe it got something off his chest, although his feelings are obviously unwarranted. So now I'm just sitting here at work all flustered and upset and unable to accomplish much.

Am I wrong to get defensive? I mean, obviously I want him to feel like he can share his thoughts and feelings with me, but some are just better to be kept to himself, am I right? Or should I be able to listen to what he has to say without getting my panties all in a bunch? Was I wrong here?

Thanks guys. MH and I really don't fight much, but when we do its almost always because he felt the need to say something unnecessary and I got defensive. The problem is we both always think the other one is in the wrong and its just a never ending cycle we can't seem to break. Ugh Rant over.

lewispm

summergirl1211 said:

Also, I know his mom isn't around (she's in Colorado, right?), but are any of his family members nearby? Could you ask some other friends/family for time at night to do dates?

It isn't really fair of him to expect your parents to offer to watch K at night if you've never asked them to. Maybe he could ask them to do this once a month (or whatever works for you guys) and see what they have to say?

I do get that his feelings are valid, but I have A LOT of feeling about his parents that I keep to myself because it would be pointless to mention other than to hurt his feelings. If its productive to share them, even if it would hurt his feelings, than yeah, I would. But in this situation I feel like there was absolutely no point in telling me these things. His parents live 11 hours away and hardly see Kellen, and my parents live 15 mins away and see him at least once, usually 2 or 3 times a week.

We do get date nights. My parents watch K for free when they are available and we have asked them too. My sister babysits as well, but we pay her. My parents travel a lot. They have a lake house and a beach condo and friends with a private jet, so they are gone a lot of weekends, its true. But considering they see Kellen all the time, Its not like they choose travel over him or anything like that, as MH stated. I'm just really heated right now I guess. We are doing the lame texting back and forth from our offices about it now (cant fight at work!) and he is claiming I twisted his words and only hear what I want to hear and what not. Totally not true... ugh

nesenotes

As an outsider looking in it seems like he is lashing out because he misses you. He probably wants a date night but doesn't have a solution.

It sounds like your parents do plenty. If i complain about my MIL never sitting (which she never does) it's because I just really miss alone time with him.

Maybe look for a babysitter and surprise him with a date night! You have a right to feel attacked because it's your parents. But i would dig to find the deeper issue.

lewispm

nesenotes said:

As an outsider looking in it seems like he is lashing out because he misses you. He probably wants a date night but doesn't have a solution. It sounds like your parents do plenty. If i complain about my MIL never sitting (which she never does) it's because I just really miss alone time with him. Maybe look for a babysitter and surprise him with a date night! You have a right to feel attacked because it's your parents. But i would dig to find the deeper issue.

We have a lot of date nights! Just had one Tuesday night actually. Dinner and a movie. I wish that he just missed me, but I think he just feels very entitled and its pissing me off right now.

 

nesenotes

Hmmm well if that's the case stick to your guns! What a jerkface!

lewispm

Ugh, I think I just need to cool off before talking to him anymore. He has a right to his feelings for sure, but he's just plain wrong here. LOL

I think he is worried that, with 2 new grandkids (both local) Kellen will be forgotten. I asked him if this is his worry though, and he said no. I am hoping that it really is what is stirring all these feelings up. That would make the pill a little easier to swallow if he's just looking out for K.

apollonia10

He was being unfair - he knows that you're defensive of your parents (as most people are), and he kept going off about them. He has the right to express his feelings and opinions, but he also can do it in a way that isn't hurtful to you.

When DH comes at something really hard, I try to do more listening than talking because he's often trying to make a point, but it's not coming out right. Saying "It sounds like you think we don't get enough date nights" or "It sounds like you think my parents aren't doing enough for us" might help him clarify what he's trying to say. Once things have calmed down, you can let him know that it's hard for you to hear those things about your parents, but you want things to be good for him too.

britbratjf

apollonia10 said:

He was being unfair - he knows that you're defensive of your parents (as most people are), and he kept going off about them. He has the right to express his feelings and opinions, but he also can do it in a way that isn't hurtful to you.

When DH comes at something really hard, I try to do more listening than talking because he's often trying to make a point, but it's not coming out right. Saying "It sounds like you think we don't get enough date nights" or "It sounds like you think my parents aren't doing enough for us" might help him clarify what he's trying to say. Once things have calmed down, you can let him know that it's hard for you to hear those things about your parents, but you want things to be good for him too.

I think this is a good point. You could let him know you aren't trying to discount his feelings but that you feel that your parents do more than enough to help you with K and that you are truly confused as to what his point/complaint is? It sounds like he is bothered by something but is being a man and can't tell you exactly what his feelings are YKWIM? And next time try and listen to what he is saying more than agreeing/disagreeing - maybe that will help you pinpoint the issue? Maybe he's upset about K not being watched by your mom anymore?

Pandril19

This is kind of a tough one. I agree that on the surface his complaints don't seem particularly valid and that it's completely normal for you to feel defensive of your parents. However, I think it's overly simplistic to say that a person should talk about things that only serve to hurt the other person. Perhaps he feels needs to talk about it.... perhaps for whatever reason he does perceive these things as true and not talking about them with you leads to resentment of both your parents and you? In which case, sharing them with you is by far the healthier choice, even if you have your feelings hurt. I think the advice to not agree/disagree but instead just listen and ask clarifying questions. Maybe something else entirely is going on. And *hugs*

lewispm

Thanks guys. We ended up just agreeing to disagree, but its still not right quite yet. I just read about half of these comments for the first time as I didn't get on TB all weekend, but I wish I had read some earlier!

We are OK now, but it is a common issue that I get defensive over something he is saying and we both wind up mad. I guess I really do need to take a step back and try not to get hurt and just listen. It's really hard for me when its regarding my family, especially my parents, though. Thanks again for the advice and I'm so glad to have a group of unbiased (for the most part ) ladies to hear me out and keep me rational.

 Love ya'll!!!