Guise, I could use a hug.

MrsT0514

Ugh. DH and I just had it out. Not an actual "argument", more just an issue thats finally coming to a head.

We've been in therapy together (and individually) for about 7-8 months now mostly for communications issues, I'll spare details for now, and it seems to be helping as far as creating a better environment for each of us to air grievances that may arise (as they tend toin any marriage) and talk things out..but lately we've been struggling a little.

I've found myself feeling frustrated and resentful towards him and that feeling just plain sucks. I've been super bitchy with him (PMS/AF arent helping! And I don't mean to be, but it seems like whatever he does/says lately pisses me off) and I know thats not fair.

I finally just out and out told him that I'm frustrated bc he's got a fucking to do list a mile long and no matter what, he seems distracted all the time, like his mind is always reeling with shit he needs to do. Dont get me wrong, its tough finding the time in the day to get stuff done, between his job, household stuff, etc...but idk. I'm feeling kind of just...lonely.

When hes not at work, he's always stArting a million different projects in the house/yard, and finishes none. Which also means the majority of caring for DS falls on me, which is fine most of the time, but exhausting.

I feel like our entire life revolves around his mental to do list and he can never just sit and enjoy spending time with DS and I. Hes a wonderful hands on dad and is great with DS when he does have the time to sit/play/do bathtime etc. But its usually just at night after he gets home from work, before DS goes to bed.

I hate to come off self centered here, and Im certainly not trying to "victimize" myself, but wtf. I'm just plain tired. Tired of feeling like MH never focuses his energy on me, his wife.

Sorry to be an eeyore...I guess I'm just feeling a little down and stressed..and disconnected. Thanks for listening.

missymo

::hugs::

That does not sound self centered at all.  It's not okay to feel lonely in your marriage.  Making time for his family needs to be at the TOP of his to-do list.  Your feelings are very valid.  

ReeseFox

(((hugs)))

ppants

I'm sorry your going through a tough time.  Kudos to you both for going to couseling.  My friend was diagnosed with ADD as an adult and displayed many of the qualities you list about your H.  Does he have a diagnosis?

NotSharknado

Hugs.

MrsT0514

He does not have a diagnosis, but hes definitely been this way as long as i've known him. I know his "overactive/ add type behavior" is something he's working on with his therapist (among some other depression issues hes working through, I won't go into detail though), and his inability to just stop and relax is something thats come up several times in our couples therapy sessions, so he is definitely aware that its a very real issue...I guess he just has trouble "turning it off" in his brain, so to speak. I wonder if maybe the antidepressant he is in possibly has something to do with it as well.

randomsalpal

All the hugs. I can relate. Maybe you need a date night once or twice a month. It has really helped me and my DH. We have also talked about having family night, with no distractions once a week or so. Good luck. Having a family is rally hard.

MrsT0514

I should've clarified. He has a depression diagnosis. Not an ADD diagnosis though.

BluepointToasted

Wait, are we sister wives???? 

DH is the same way.  It is a double edged sword because he is very ambitious and successful because of it, but it is almost like he has to be forced into relaxing by being at a bar or out of town or something.  If he is home, even when we are "relaxing", having a beer, playing with DS, he still has files open, is answering e-mails, etc.  Makes me feel pretty unimportant sometimes. 

Its good that you guys are going to counseling for it.  Do you have the opportunity to go out on date nights?  Can you join him in his tasks?  One way DH and I bond is for me to go along with one of his cockamaimed ideas, like canning tomatoes or some shit.  Honestly its like his brain needs to be doing a secondary activity in order to really have a conversation.

MrsT0514

randomsalpal said:

All the hugs. I can relate. Maybe you need a date night once or twice a month. It has really helped me and my DH. We have also talked about having family night, with no distractions once a week or so. Good luck. Having a family is rally hard.

We've actually been able to have date night about once a months for the past few months which has helped some...its the lack of "family time" with no distractions thats been tough to come by lately. even when we do manage to get out of house all together (today he got to come to gymboree with DS and i bc hes off this week), its like hes in a rush to get home to get working on all of the "shit that needs to be done".

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MrsT0514

@BluepointToasted the way you just described is exactly MH! Crazy...and it drives me batty.

Ive been suggesting to MH that maybe we should look into some kind of "corny" activity to do together...I dont give a shit if I look stupid, as long as we have fun doing it.

MrsCodeMonkey

Many hugs! Hang in there. Can you try to set up a date night soon?

shadypines

Marriage is flipping hard!!! ((hugs))

MrsT0514

Thanks guys...fuckin a right, marriage is hard as shit! After work tonight, I certainly plan on having a cocktail or 2.

LoveActually4

Hugs!

MH is the same way. He feels like one of us can parent (me), and one of us can do stuff (him). Sometimes it's just nice to do nothing together!

angelashly

((Hugs))

MrsT0514

Wordsmith26 said:

Lots of ((hugs)) to you.  And good on you for working through it in therapy.

Thanks. I have to say, therapy has been an amazing thing for us. After our sessions, we automatically feel lighter and closer than before we went in. Its a work in progress of course (as marriage always is, I've come to find out!), but I wish he'd just realize that sometimes, the to-do list can and needs to wait...and family is what matters the most, through it all.

He puts a lot of added stress into his own schedule/life by putting all this pressure on himself to start and get these projects done. I wish I could just make him see that the status of his to-do list isn't as big a deal as he makes it out to be in his own mind.

MrsT0514

TyrannosaurusLex said:

I just sometimes need to have a meltdown before he remembers how important it is to me.

I totally could've written this myself. Its like he has no friggin clue sometimes until I just snap and let him know how frustrated I am with him.