Toddler Nap and Bedtime

Emerald27 · March 2014

It might be the exhaustion of pregnancy getting to me, but I cannot handle what bedtimes and naptimes are turning into, and I need help.

Every day I spend nearly 2 hours trying to get DS to go to sleep at naptime and bedtime. Once asleep for his nap, DS sleeps 2+ hours, and I recently gave up and let him stay awake all day and he was a sobbing mess by dinner time, so clearly not ready to drop the nap. I've moved it later, tried a bath beforehand, and tried tiring him out with playing outside, etc., but nothing works...I'm not sure why he is going through this phase but I CAN NOT DO IT anymore.

He nurses on and off, plays with his feet and hands, sings, asks questions, and cries/fusses or just chills for 2 hours while I desperately want him asleep. I'm feeling very exhausted and nauseous, nursing so so so much hurts (I really can't nurse for 2 hours with these owwie boobs), and I get angrier and angrier when he will not keep his legs down, keep quiet, and at least try to sleep. I try taking deep breaths and to stay calm, because I don't want to give him negative associations with nap/bedtime, but I want to SCREAM. I have seriously wished while laying with him that we had a crib so that I could just put him in it and leave him there...isn't that awful? ...I mean, you know me. I'm the most anti-CIO mama out there.

Please, toddler+ moms, if your kid went through a phase where going to sleep was an enormous battle, what (other than time) helped them through it? I'm a crying, tired, hormonal mess today...and I just want DS to take his nap like he used to. Help!

TIA [-O<

Emerald27 · March 2014

@ClaryPax‌ DS is almost 2.5. He does have his own bed, and it's in the process of moving to his own room (it used to be by the bed on my side and is now by the door...he can see his room from his bed, but we're waiting a couple days to physically move the bed into his room). It's a twin that I fit comfortably on, and I bedshare and nurse/snuggle him to sleep, then get up.

So here is a question: if your toddler puts himself down for a nap, how do you get him to stay in bed? And stay in his room? Lol...it may sound silly, but I'm pretty sure that if I asked DS to go lay in his bed, he'd look at me like I had 3 heads and just say "no" and continue playing.

Emerald27 · March 2014

And thanks for the hugs. I need em today! ;;)

kristen714 · March 2014

Has his routine changed at all? If DD's schedule gets thrown out of whack she is a mess. Would he fall asleep in the car? I know this is not ideal but it would give your boobs a break. I like the idea of quiet time in his room. My daughter will be 2 in May so she isn't quite as old as your son and we still nurse to nap and bed. Hang in there!

Emerald27 · March 2014

kristen714 said:
Has his routine changed at all? If DD's schedule gets thrown out of whack she is a mess. Would he fall asleep in the car? I know this is not ideal but it would give your boobs a break. I like the idea of quiet time in his room. My daughter will be 2 in May so she isn't quite as old as your son and we still nurse to nap and bed. Hang in there!

His routine hasn't changed much except that I've been gently/gradually night weaning because nursing hurts so much at night (low prolactin + low supply at night makes some pregnant boobs HURT!). So I've been working on limiting the amount of time he nurses at each night session, and encouraging him to roll over and go to sleep on his own, snuggled against me, after his allotted nursing time. He's taken to it pretty easily and with no tears (occasional minor fussing but then he just passes out), and last night when he woke, even though I got a boob out to nurse him he just snuggled up and went back to sleep.

But all that is during the night stuff. I haven't changed his bedtime or naptime routine...BUT my supply IS lower. I suppose his lack of a full belly of milk could be impacting him...

JaneRuin · March 2014

I know exactly what you are going through. It's beyond frustrating and makes you feel like a failure. Well, that's how it is for me. My son (soon-to-be 2yo) occasionally goes through these phases. It completely boggles my mind. I always try to find a reason for it - teething? Growth spurt? - and sometimes there is a correlation, but other times I can't find any cause. I don't know how to end it, but I have developed a strategy that saves my sanity and prevents me from resenting my son.

At his usual nap time, I'll do the usual nap ritual (whatever that is for you; for us, it's potty, brushing teeth, and nursing) and lay down in bed with him. As soon as his energy starts building back up rather than winding down, we get out of bed and continue usual activities. If he seems tired a couple hours later (no sooner), I'll give him a small carby snack, do the nap ritual, and lay down w him again. Same as before, get out of bed as soon as energy goes the wrong way. Repeat until dinner time. After dinner, on days like these, he's usually ready for bed much earlier than normal (6:30 v. 8:30) and will usually go to sleep after dinner and bed time ritual. If he starts stirring while laying down instead of drifting off, then I'll sit him up in bed and put Robin Hood cartoon on for him. For some reason, this always works at bedtime and about 45 min into the movie he will say he's tired and we will nurse and he'll fall asleep relatively easily (FINALLY!).

I think the most important thing is to stop trying as soon as it's evident that he's getting restless rather than relaxing. 10 or 15 minutes should be long enough to know. This will save your breasts and your sanity. Even if he doesn't nap at all the whole day, 2 or 3 of these respites seem to prevent him from melting down before dinner.

I'm not advocating the above strategy as an ideal way to parent, it's just what works for us during an extremely difficult period that used to reduce me to an angry, bitter, crying, exhausted, hopeless mess!

The good news is that, for us, these are temporary phases that last maybe a couple of weeks, and he always returns to a predictable sleep pattern in the end.

You certainly have my empathy. I'm confident that you can find a strategy that works for you. The key is to zero in on what point precisely you start to get frustrated, and at that point immediately change what you are doing to something that is conducive to regaining your calmness.

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

Two thoughts:

1) I know you don't want to do it, and I know he doesn't want to do it, but you guys might need to take a nursing break for right now. It has to work for you both, and it doesn't sound like it's working for you. (If you had two broken arms, you couldn't pick him up - really *couldn't*. He'd be sad, and he'd cry, and you would cry with him. But that wouldn't change that you couldn't do it. Just like that real physical limitation, this may be coming very close to a real mental limitation. And that is ok! Nursing when it feels that awful (that was the first three months of our nursing relationship) is awful and does bad things to your mind and your relationship with your kid.)

2) When DD would do this - flailing feet in bed - I was still staying with her in bed while she fell asleep. If she didn't stay *somewhat* still, I would leave for two to five minutes. She wanted me to stay, but if she couldn't follow the rules, I would go. Now that she's older and I don't stay until she goes to sleep, I can't keep her in bed. Staying in bed is not an enforceable rule if I'm not in the room to enforce it. Staying in her room IS, because I can stay near (enough) her door to walk her right back in if she leaves. If you can't enforce the staying in bed rule, then find one you can. (And maybe take all the toys out of his room so he can get out of bed but then have nothing to play with.)

Really thinking about what rules were enforceable and what weren't (and hence what was NOT under my control, and couldn't be), really helped me let go of these things. Don't get me wrong, it's still infuriating, but darn if some kids think sleep is the worst thing in the world.

cyprissa · March 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. I nursed DS1 while pregnant with 2 and sometimes it was awful. I think it's time for a new nap routine. Dropping the nap nursing session was one of the first things I did when pregnant for my own sanity. I started giving him a sippy of milk at nap time and we would sit on his bed and read books and then I would rub his back a bit, put on some music and leave. I enforce quiet time in his room and have for almost a year. 95% of the time he naps and when he doesn't he is a mess at dinner but I can't make him sleep.

nosoup4u · March 2014

We dropped nursing to sleep last, but I'm pretty sure I pushed to drop nap nursing before bedtime. I would also only try 20 min or so, or push back his naptime (tho my kids couldn't sleep past 3-4 pm at that age bc they'd stay up too late for bed). I would let them nurse for a minute (only if they asked), and then sing while lying next to them. You could sit at the end of his bed while he falls asleep, which might also help w nursing.

The other thing is that transitioning to less or no naps is always rocky. There will be a few days of exhaustion and early bedtime, IME. Not that he needs to drop his nap completely.

pixieprincss · March 2014

I have SO been there! Remember the vital B of BALANCE in AP! Right now, this is not a balanced approach that is meeting your needs. Think about the changes you'd like to make and then start explaining it to your child and holding to them. Sleep changes tend to take about 2 weeks to settle in, and there will likely be crying. But crying in the arms (or next to) a loving caregiver is not CIO. For me, the change with DS2 (18 mo) (and DS1 in his day) needed to be cutting night nursing to every 4 hours and shortening nursing sessions overall. I tell him the boundary, offer something else to meet the need (water cup for thirst, teether for gum pain), big hugs for the skin-to-skin time. It is HARD, but it does lead to change. With DS1, who's 3 we are working on him falling asleep in his room on his own. Like you, I was beginning to resent the time getting him to sleep. We've been doing it in steps. Oh...DS1 awakes. Gotta run!

yeah. · March 2014

Let him drop it. If he's a mess at night, put him to bed. I would try every day for 20-30 minutes (and I would not let him nurse for 2 hours, especially if it was hurting), then call it a day.

Mine dropped her nap just before 3. It sucked for a few weeks but she's gotten used to it.

yeah. · March 2014

Emerald27 said:

@ClaryPax‌ DS is almost 2.5. He does have his own bed, and it's in the process of moving to his own room (it used to be by the bed on my side and is now by the door...he can see his room from his bed, but we're waiting a couple days to physically move the bed into his room). It's a twin that I fit comfortably on, and I bedshare and nurse/snuggle him to sleep, then get up. So here is a question: if your toddler puts himself down for a nap, how do you get him to stay in bed? And stay in his room? Lol...it may sound silly, but I'm pretty sure that if I asked DS to go lay in his bed, he'd look at me like I had 3 heads and just say "no" and continue playing.

I gate her in her room. She doesn't have to be in her bed, but she has to be in her room. I also am at the point where I don't really "ask" her to do things that she has to do. I let her know what she needs to do, give choices where appropriate (do you want me to put you in the bed or do you want to climb in?) and call it a day.

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

I know some folks who have success with letting their kids decide when to sleep. Mine fights sleep in a way that's practically unhealthy. (She'd be awake for six hours straight, easily - as a three month old! That's not right!) So we also have "not-optional bedtime".

When DD dropped her last nap, we moved bedtime up about an hour. Yeah, it was harder making sure she got into bed NLT 7pm, and 6:45pm was better. Dinner's at 5:30pm! But it is what it is. And pushing it out only made things worse. (She shifted her own sleeping patterns to wake a little later (7:30am) so we were able to push bedtime back about 30min as well. I have no idea why that happened, other than the long dark winters in the PacNorthwest?)

sugarbear0524 · March 2014

I don't know when your baby is due, but I would work toward the goal of getting him to go to sleep without nursing to sleep or having you lay with him. You're not going to be able to do this every time with a newborn. There will be enough changes for your son when the new baby comes. This is the time to work toward him being able to sleep without you unless you want to bedshare with both of them. This stress is not good for you right now!

nosoup4u · March 2014

Also, I did naps where I sat in DS1's room while he fell asleep and DS2 nursed to sleep. I don't think it has to be all-or-nothing in regards to napping in his bed and room, you can be there while he falls asleep. Good luck!

Rrrrrachel · March 2014

All I can really offer are big hugs. I just went through allll this and it really is hard. It is ok to set limits, especially around nursing. Limiting it in general may help. The pain does get better as the pregnancy goes on, ime. I did have to tell her no sometimes and there were tears on both sides,but I just could. Not. Do. It. I do think it was disruptive to my daughters sleep when my milk went away,but it was kind of a good thing long term because we've learned some other strategies. I lether take books to bed with her. There have been a few times where I was so exhausted I pretty much stuck her in ever bed and then went and crashed in my bed (our rooms are attached) or fell asleep in her bed before she did.