So we're nearing the end of our 4th clomid cycle, and heavy spotting since 8DPO and a plummeting temp this morning resulted in a bit of a breakdown on my part and prompted the talk that hubby and I have been studiously avoiding until now. Quick recap: I live in a small northern BC town where even OBs are only available in the city an hour away, and it's an 11 hour drive to the nearest fertility clinic; the OB I'm seeing is head of obstetrics at the one hospital in the city and considered the best in the area, he will do clomid cycles but basically only unmonitored except for CD21 progesterone checks each cycle. Anyways, when we met with the OB in the fall we were told to check back if we were unsuccessful after 4-5 cycles, and next steps would be to refer us to the fertility clinic for IVF. At the time we just really hoped the clomid would do its job, and so didn't really talk about 'what ifs'. Pure avoidance I know, but there it is. But we finally did buckle down and talk it out.
Basically, we know we can't afford treatment, it would all be OOP and we'd have to be dealing with the extremities of traveling back and forth such a distance on top of it all - cue either two days of driving or $1000+ for plane tickets each time we'd have to go down, not to mention all the hotel stays and untold days off work just to get back and forth. Hubby has gone back to school and won't be done until the end of the year, so we're on limited income as it is, and all savings and borrowing power are tied up in tuition. I admit that in the back of my mind I've held this fantasy that when we finally had our talk hubby would have some magical plan in mind for making treatment a possibility, but really I know our avoidance of the issue was due to us both knowing it just isn't doable but not wanting to voice it out loud to the other.
We can still try on our own, of course, but given my age (40), my effed up excessively spotting body, and the fact that it's been over a year since our loss with absolutely no indications of success in any way, hope that anything will happen just seems pretty nonexistent, laughable really. What's that saying, the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Honestly, even though I'd trained myself to expect BFNs each cycle as a way to protect my heart, I still had a vague hope that things would work out somehow, that one of these clomid cycles would just surprise me with success. I guess you have to harbour some hope at some point, or why would you carry on trying? But putting voice to where we're at with things just makes it seem so real. We're nearing the end of our journey, there's no way to get around that fact. No further medical help, no boost of new hope that would come with new treatment, no real plan going forward. Just more of the same, temping and charting and trying on our own despite everything telling me it hasn't worked for over a year now, so why on earth would I expect it will down the road. Definition of stupidity, right?!
I just don't know. I don't feel like I can carry on indefinitely, but I also don't feel like I'm quite ready to let it all go yet. At what point will I be able to accept things as they are and allow myself to move on? I guess in the end I'll just know when I know. Sort of the opposite of "when the desire for a baby outweighs the fear", maybe when the pain of hoping and continuing to try cycle after cycle without success outweighs the desire to have a baby. I know I'm not there yet, but I feel so much closer than I've ever been before and that's scary in and of itself. Time will tell I guess, I just hope I can find some peace with things somewhere along the way.
If you got this far, thank you so much for bearing with me while I attempt to sort myself out. I'm not looking for advice per se, I don't really even know if there's any sort of question in all of this, but I've always been better able to deal with things once I've written them down, so I truly appreciate you all just giving me the space to do so. I really don't know where I'd be without you all, the support of this board has meant more than I can ever possibly say. ((hugs)) to all, and just thank you for being here.
Married August 2012. Me: 41 DH: 42
Daughter from previous marriage: 20
BFP 12/19/12:
Ectopic discovered at 8 weeks, right tube removed 01/18/13
June 2013 Testing Results: Progesterone: 31.7, LH: 5, FSH: 5, Estradiol: 161
Clomid cycles Nov. 2013 and Jan, Feb, and March 2014
TTC journey over as of the end of October 2014
TTCAL BLOG
All ALers welcome!
Re: Finally had the 'what next' talk with hubby... (sorry, very long and rambly)
Me: 27 DH: 33
Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI
TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
No longer benched per New RE/OB!
Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic
Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
March 2, 2014 First AF
I wish I had words to make this better or easier. This journey sucks and I hate to see you having to come to this point. More (((hugs))) and I'm glad you and YH finally talked.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
TTC #1 since January 2013
BFP #1: April 5, 2013; EDD December 11, 2013; Missed M/C May 15, 2013
BFP #2: February 17, 2014; EDD October 30, 2014; M/C March 15, 2014
BFP #3: August 1, 2014; EDD April 14, 2015 - Praying for our RAINBOW!
1 miracle Earth baby and 5 Angel babies
~All welcome~
Please know that I love you dearly and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always. So many hugs to you, honey.
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
</dream 2>
resolve.org
lyrics
***All always welcome!!***
A big, long (((hug))) for you. I am so sorry.
TTC since March 2012
DX: MFI (4% motility)
Cycle 13: Natural cycle w/ HSG test = BFP
Identical twins!
Lost my angel boys at 10.5 weeks
Cycle 14-16: Natural Cycles = BFN
Cycle 17: Follistim + Trigger + IUI = BFN
Cycle 18: Natural Cycle = BFN
Cycle 19: Follistim + Trigger +IUI#2
Polyp found: SIS 11/11 - hysteroscopy 11/14
Cycle 20: Follistim + IUI#2 = BFFN
Cycle 21: Follistim (adj. dosage) + IUI#3 TI = BFN
IUI cancelled due to weather
Cycle 22: Follistim + IUI#3.1 = BFN
Cycle 23: treatment break, IVF consult
Cycle 24 - 26: natural cycle w/ acupuncture + Chinese herbs = BFN
Cycle 27: Follistim + IUI#4 = BFFN
Natural Cycles until IVF
Cycle 30: IVF#1 - Starting with Menopur + Follistim + Ganirelix
17 retrieved, 12 fertilized, 5dt w/ 2 blasts, 5 frosties
Betas: #1-156(9dp5dt), #2-1200(13dp5) #3-6112(17dp5)
Ultrasound #1 10/6: 1 bean!
TEAM BLUE!
My Chart
~~ALL WELCOME~~
I am glad that you were able to talk with YH, I can imagine that was very difficult.
I just want to send lots of ((hugs)) and love your way. Know you are in my thoughts as you continue to process this and we are here for you.
EDD 5/2/14, NMC 9/11/13
EDD 10/15/14, CP 2/8/14
IF Diagnosis: PCOS, MFI
Current Cycle: 5 mg Femara/1000mg Metformin + TI = BFP, EDD 4/23/15 Please be our RAINBOW
**ALL AL/IF Welcome**
My Chart
TTC Since 04/01/13
BFP #1 04/28/13 Its twins! EDD 01/08/2014 MMC confirmed 06/27/13 D&C 07/17/13
BFP#2 05/19/14 EDD 01/30/2015 Please be our rainbow!
My Ovulation Chart
*~*~* All AL Welcome*~*~*
***BFP 1-22-13, baby boy dx with Trisomy 13 at 15 weeks.
We let him go to Heaven on 4-27-13 at 17 weeks 1 day***
I also wanted to let you know about the way things are done here with fertility treatments. I'm in a remote area in eastern Canada and there is literally not a fertility clinic in this province. But if we need art, then there are "satellite" offices here. Basically the only thing we leave the province for is egg retrieval and transfer or for the actual iui. I don't know if that's something you could look into or if that would help in your situation. But I hope it might be a possibility. I wish you and yh all the best with whatever decision you come to. (((Hugs)))
BFP #1: EDD 05/27/2014 (D&C 10/17/2014)
Diagnosed w/ endometriosis 12/2010 Laproscopic surgery & 6 months of Lupron
BFP 12/17/2011,EDD 8/23/12,ectopic discovered 12/29/11 at 6 weeks recieved methotrexate
Dec '12 HSG & ultrasound showed abnormalities & more endo. Laproscopic surgery in January '13 showed significant damage & scar tissue from Endo. IVF is our best shot to concieve our rainbow.
June '13 Decided to go the adoption route!
***PGAL/PAL WELCOME***
I guess I'm grasping at straws and trying to come up with something to say to help you. You have become very dear to me and I hate that you are looking at the end of your journey. Many ((((HUGS)))) to you my friend and I hope that you find peace in whatever decision you make.
DX Endometriosis 2/2002 (lost left tube due to a cyst), PCOS 6/2010
BFP - 10/18/2012, EDD - 6/26/2013, Baby Girl lost at 22 weeks (T21), D&E 2/15/2013
BFP - 4/23/2014, EDD - 1/2/2015 Twin Boys lost at 12 weeks, M/C 6/25/2014
My chart here All ALers welcome!
So sorry. ((Hugs))
BFP #2: EDD 9/3/13~~Slow HB at 1st U/S~~MMC -Loss on 2/13/13
March 2014: first medicated cycle + iui = BFP!
TTC since April 2012
BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013
BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013
6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)
IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab
IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos
IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos
IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!
FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN
Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus
IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos
Everyone welcome on my posts
"It's, not, where you are, it's where you're going,
And it's, not, about the things you've done, it's what you're doing, now"
TTC Journey Began 8/12
BFP #1 11/9/12, MMC/D&C 12/21/12 @ 9w2d, EDD 7/24/13
SAs: 2%-3% Morph - RE Official Diagnosis Unexplained
BFN = IUI #1 (Clomid) | IUI #2 (Letrozole)
BFP #2 4/19/14 = IUI #3 (Letrozole)
Expecting Our Elf 12/27/14
~All Welcome~
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TTC #1 since June 2012
Current Status: IVF with ICSI and PGS
Genetic, RPL, SA and Fertility testing = Normal/Good HSG = All Clear
BFP #1 12.30.2012 || Blighted Ovum 02.05.2013 || D&C 02.11.2013
BFP #2 09.10.2013 || c/p 09.12.2013
BFP #3 12.1.2013 || mm/c 01.15.14 || D&C 01.21.14 chromosome abnormality
May 2014: Residual HCG and retained tissue found
05.13.2014: Hysteroscopy D&C to find and remove retained tissue
June 2014: Tissue sample results indicate a partial molar pregnancy
May - Aug 2014: TTA for monitoring and testing
08.21.2014: Hysteroscopy to remove minor scar tissue - the result of 3 D&Cs
Sept/Oct: IUI #1 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
Oct/Nov: IUI #2 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
Nov/Dec: IUI #3 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
My Ovulation Chart || *~*~All AL Welcome~*~* || DIY Blog
BFP #2 6/12/14, DD born 2/21/15
TTCAL Siggy Challenge: "He's my favorite. His birthday is the same as mine almost"
Missing my little one lost at 9 weeks on 2.24.13. brokenhearted but not broken...
d&c 5/21/13... Still Healing, Still Standing...
MMC discovered 10/2/2013, TWINS... d&c 10/7/2013. I still miss you, little ones.
Surgery December 2013 to remove a 10+cm fibroid... Open myomectomy. Benched for 3-9 months...
Will TTC summer Summer 2014 we hope!
Dear God, Since I couldn't hold my little one in my lap and tell him about you, could you hold him in your lap and tell him about me?
PgAL and PAL always welcome...Started dating in 2008 and married November 10, 2012
TTC#1 Since Oct 2012
MC#1 5/30/2013 ~ EDD 1/4/2014 natural @ 9 weeks
MC#2 8/12/2013 ~ EDD 4/13/2014 natural @ 5 weeks 5 days
BFP #3 EDD 12/9/2014
*~*~*Everybody is Welcome*~*~*
My Ovulation Chart
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I am so, so sorry G. My heart just breaks for you and your husband. When I was preparing to travel to KRFC for treatment, the stress and logistics of the 8 hr drive was enough to trigger intense anxiety. Even if money were no issue, the travel alone is enough to cause a huge upset. I don't know if you ever contacted KRFC, but they have a free Skype consult with a referral. I believe you mentioned your daughter lived in the area, so you could at least have another positive reason for the travel? I don't know what a medicated cycle would cost, but perhaps you could at least do a Skype consult to see what they say? They sent DH and I for all sorts of tests, and were really easy to talk to via email.
Dr K is the best we have in town, and you know I have a lot of faith in him, but he is incredibly busy, and hard to get in to see. Maybe it would be worth at least doing a Skype consult to get a second opinion?
Again, I'm so sorry. You know I'm always here for you. ((Hugs)).