Antidepressants?

milb11

I hate to ask this because I know this is very personal, but has anyone began antidepressants after their loss? It has been 2 months since we lost DS. I'm still in a funk. I'm sad a lot, unmotivated at work, angry for no reason sometimes (or at the smallest thing). I feel like I have little control over anything in my life. It has been worse this week (EDD is Thursday and my period started yesterday). My counselor suggested yesterday that it might be time to talk to my doctor about them, suggesting that I may only need them when AF comes to town. I cried the whole way home. I feel like a failure because I'm not able to make myself feel better. And to be honest, I am completely terrified of dependency. 

I started back on BC about 2 months ago (shortly after our loss) and am starting to experience some negative side effects from that (angry, sad, bloating,  etc)...at least I think they are related. It's just so hard to figure out what's going on in my body, whether my hormones are still trying to level out after loss, situational depression, my BC, or a combination. Any advice? I'm thinking about going off BC and to see if that helps. If it doesn't, at least I know that wasn't it. But I'm scared to death of conceiving again. Mentally I'm just not ready. I was thinking of Paraguard to avoid extra hormones, but am scared of the side effects. 

Please forgive me if the statements above offend anyone currently using antidepressants. I do not intend to be judgmental. For me, growing up, there has just been a stigma around mental health issues and associated medications. I have not experienced anything this traumatic in my life and as I work with my counselor, I am trying to get past that stigma but it doesn't eliminate my fears. I am just trying to find someone to relate. 

erinel

I haven't taken any, but I don't think they are a bad idea.  We are TTC right away, which was my main reason for not wanting to get on them in the first place.

ikrystal

This is a very personal decision.  Whichever way you go, you are not making the wrong choice.  Only you know what it best for you.

I used to take Zoloft and Xanax for anxiety/depression. I took myself off of them.  My big thing is that when you suffer a loss, it is NORMAL to feel angry, depressed, unmotivated, etc.  Even if you are months out from your loss, it is still normal.  Sometimes you have to let yourself feel this way.  The best advice I have ever read was to "let the grief sit" with you and let it pass on its own.  No one can force it.  Antidepressants, in my opinion, should be used for those people who are feeling all these things for no good reason.  Even if you take the antidepressants, you still will be sad for the immense loss that you experienced.  No drug in the world can take that pain away.On the other hand, if you feel like you are worse than before, or that you cannot function, they are not a bad idea.  If you feel like the feelings you are having are not normal, you should ask about them.  

That is just my personal opinion.  Like I said, this is your choice.  Only you know what is best for you.  I wish you the best of luck.  

stefuge

I agree, this is a very personal decision, and you need to do what is best for you.  ((Hugs)) and I'm sorry you are struggling.  For myself, 6 to 8 weeks out from our loss was actually the hardest.  I think the shock had worn off, life had started to return to "normal" at least for MH and our friends and family, and it really started to settle in that this was our life now.  It was hard.  Things will get better and you will adapt to life after your loss, and it will get easier.  I hate saying that, because nothing about this is easy, but the really really bad depressed days are fewer and more far between for me now.

Regarding BC, I had major mood swings and was very emotional and more prone to feeling depressed when I was on it, which is one of the main reasons we have chosen to use other forms of protection.  So, stopping that might help?  GL with what ever you decide, and know that you are making the right decision for yourself and that is all that matters.

GymSpaz26

I would also agree that between about 2-3 months after our son died was the hardest for me. I was a mess and it got to the point that I started feel like it was getting harder rather little by little better. I was very depressed and struggling with a lot of anxiety. I did see my midwife and after A LOT of discussion she ended up prescribing me an antidepressant, which I ended up never taking. I have taken antidepressants in the past and would prefer not to if I can help it. (One of me reasons also in trying to avoid it right now also has to do with not wanting to be on an antidepressant when we do get to the point of ttc again. Usually the goal with an antidepressant is to be on it for at least 6 month to a year minimum to help you get more stabilized and help your body regulate itself better.)

For me getting to that point and realizing that I needed some help (whether medicinal or otherwise) was kind of the kick in the pants I needed. A friend helped me to finally get connected with a counselor. And honestly, realizing that I was not doing well, but at the time knowing that the antidepressant is kind of my last option, kind of got me motivated to try and do some other things to help myself. Exercise has been huge for me. If I let more than 1-2 days go by that I've not gotten out and exercised, I start feeling gray again. Vitamin D has also helped me a lot and trying to get out in the sun, when it shows up for a few minutes. I turn on all the lights and open the blinds wide to try and feel as little like I'm in a cave as possible. I started trying to make a bigger effort in how I dress, putting on earrings, etc. I started taking guitar lessons to have something new that I enjoy. These all seem like tiny things, but together they have made a huge difference for me. Believe me I still have my days where I'm just down and sad and hurting. But I feel like things are little by little getting easier, rather than more difficult like they were two months ago.

I also recognize that sometimes it is necessary to get that chemical help. I've been there and I was in a place that I was so far down that I honestly don't think I could have dug myself out without that help. Listen to what your counselor and doctors recommend, but ultimately you have to decide what you think you need to be able to take those baby steps forward. I read in a book somewhere that part of grief is being depressed, but it is a transitional depression that you need to walk through in order to get somewhere else. Thinking about it like that was helpful to me. I realized it is okay to feel depressed, as long as I am working through it and moving forward. When depression is a permanent place that you go and just sit there, that's when you need to worry.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope that maybe you (or others) can feel encouraged and maybe something that has helped me can be helpful for someone else. Depression is so hard! (with or without the loss of a child) HUGS!

veetveet

I'm not depressed. I am in a depressing situation. I can function on a day to day basis. I am.much better now than I was 6 weeks ago. I'm not over it- just coping. Some days are better than others.

Everyones situation is different, everyone grieves differently. Don't feel like a failure.

shandorfml2

I agree with everyone above. A doc spoke to me about this as well, and...unfortunately, everything you are experiencing is normal. I continued to struggle daily for at least three months. A very personal decision, but I don't want you to think your are mentally ill, because you are not. You are expericing real emotions of loss.

milb11

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It is encouraging to know that others also experienced what seems like a more difficult time at this point after their loss. I don't feel so alone...or not normal. I think I'm going to give myself a little more time. 

ajsweeton

****siggy warning****

I started a very low dose of Zoloft about 4w post loss. I just couldn't function. I think I was suffering from PPD as well as the grief from losing my boys. I also had a Xanax prescription and something for sleep at night. I couldn't sleep all I was doing was laying in bed crying. I can't remember ever feeling so low. I began to think that I'd lost myself along with Elliott and Ryland and that I'd never be happy again. I didn't think about hurting myself, but I also couldn't see light I was in such a dark place. The Zoloft helped me to climb out of the hole I think. I was able to go back to work and function again even though I was still very sad. I had some side effects like tremors though and I began to feel like I wasn't feeling enough emotion on it so I took myself off after about 4-6 weeks. I think it really helped me, but it is an extremely personal decision. I hated being on the meds, but my family and DH we're scared that I wasn't getting any better and only getting worse. Good luck to you.

angelsnight

Ticker warning

I went on Zoloft after we lost our daughter and it really helped me.  I'd been on Welbutrin before, and before I went on that I was skeptical (I went on it after my mom died).  I didn't see how popping a pill each day would take away the pain of having lost my mom, and I was also worried about being given a false sense of being ok....like it would just mask my pain. 

But once I was on it I felt so much better.  I still missed my mom, and my angel while on the zoloft, but it took the edge off and made things easier to deal with.  I wasn't so quick to jump down people's throats and the little things wouldn't annoy me like usual, in fact the things that often annoyed me, and annoyed me even worse when I was grieving, it's like they went in one ear and out the other.  It's a very personal decision but for me, going on an antidepressent helped me immensely. 

oliversmom03

SIGGY WARNING BECAUSE IT WONT DELETE

I am on Prozac. I have to work, and it helps me get through the day. My Henry died at 19 days old due to SIDS and my days have been rough. Went to my doctor, and he found something that will work for me and my situation.

milb11

Oh @oliversmom03, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Henry. I am glad your doctor was able to help you. 

Thanks everyone else for sharing. I know it is a very personal decision and I appreciate you being open. I feel like you guys understand exactly what I am going through so I value your input a lot. I met with my doctor yesterday. Per my previous post, I've decided to not start anything just yet. I also went off my BC. I told my doctor I want to baseline my body for a couple months so that I can understand what normal feels like again (at least my new normal). I feel like for the past year my body and hormones have been so out of whack that I've forgotten what normal feels like. 

oliversmom03

@milb11, thank you. Yes, I am glad he helped me as well, because I had my WTF moments of how can I do this, and now getting out of bed in the mornings is a lot easier than the other days have been.