Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Why do people have to give you a reason

I am a person of faith I go to church and run a youth group with my husband.

But I am over people telling me it's god will that I lost my baby and it's in his hands! My god is a loving god and created my baby to be something special. He did not creat it to teach me a lesson in faith or to help other people or some other crazy reason. I don't care if this sound selfish I would rather keep my baby instead of helping out hundreds of people that have lost theirs.

I believe stuff just happens because we are on an imperfect earth and my baby was not formed well and was better off in heaven and being completely whole and well up there. I know she's in heave getting way spoilt by our family members who are up there and I know my god will use this shitty experience for good but I don't believe he planed it! Why do people need to come up with dumb reasons! I don't want your dumb opinion of a reason nor have I ever asked for them.

Anyone else have people trying to tell them why they believe you lost your baby?

Also random question my senior pastors wife who is lovely asked if I wanted to be open about it in the church and to get all the female ladies to pray for me and start a support group because I'm not handling this good and I see the good in it having a support group of loving ladies but then I can see my self screaming at one if they say something wrong. Has anyone opened up like this?

Sorry for the rant I'm home alone sick and just having a terrible crying chocolate eating day.

Re: Why do people have to give you a reason

  • First, I am sorry for your loss and that people keep saying this to you. I know exactly what you mean. I got so many "it was God's plan" or similar and I wanted to scream at all of the people "I don't believe God is that cruel!" Personally I believe the only part God had in my m/c was accepting my baby into heaven. I do not believe he purposely made me struggle to get pregnant, then get pregnant only to take it away 8 weeks later. That is just my personal belief.... My cousin who ironically is due a month before i would have been, told me " you probably didn't have enough vitamins in your system" I swear to you that is what she said. People try to give reasons or fix you because they can't handle that you are sad. the support group could go either way depending on if it is filled with other people who have experienced a loss. I find it very helpful to open up to others who have experienced a loss but not as helpful to talk to people who have no idea. Ultimately it is up to you and if you think you could handle that. ::hugs:: I hope you find the support you need.

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  • ***sig warning****

    I'm sorry for your loss :( . People keep telling me why they think I lost it. My boss at my work actually called me yesterday and told me that I wasn't suppose to have a baby thats why I lost it and when I am suppose to have one then I finally will.

    I think people who are giving you reasons are trying to be helpful, but I also believe unless you have had a mc yourself then you just won't get it or know what to say.

    I agree with the above. A support group can go either way. So if you accept that offer I would be very cautious going in.
    Pregnancy #1 DD 08.30.2007
    Pregnancy #2 Natural Miscarriage at 6 weeks 03/2014 Due date 11/9/2014
    Pregnancy #3 DS 02.23.2015
    Pregnancy #4 Missed Miscarriage at 11 weeks 11/2018 Due date 5/22/2019
    Pregnancy #5 Positive test 12/11/2019 Due Date 8/17/2020

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  • AggieBeth06AggieBeth06 member
    edited March 2014
    ITA! God is a loving God.

    Read Psalm 139 when you have a chance:

    This is a beautiful passage.

    He grieves beside us. I believe he knows what will happen in our lives, but loves us wholly and completely (despite our shortcomings - which is another discussion entirely). I feel a sense of comfort in that psalm. I feel like God loves our angel babies as much as He does us. I feel like there is a special place in heaven for these angels. It brings me comfort to know that God loves my baby too, and he or she is not alone... And one day we will be reunited.

    Don't forget that our time here is but a grain of sand in comparison to eternity. It hurts to not have our angel babies with us, but think about how we will have the opportunity to spend eternity with them!

    I also feel like our angel babies want their Moms to find love, peace and joy. They wouldn't want us to stop living their lives because they are gone. Thinking about that has helped me to move forward in my grief.

    This chapter reminds me that no matter how far we fall into despair, He is with us... Even if we don't acknowledge Him. There is no darkness to dark for him.

    When ready, there is a bible study check in on TTCAL. This was our chapter for the week... Although it had been on my heart before. It's one of my favorite passages in the Bible. There are lots of ladies that are ready to TTC (called TTA or trying to avoid), so don't feel like you have to proclaim you're on the baby train again to post there.


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    [Deleted User]
  • As far as why people give a reason, I asked that question to my therapist who has also experienced loss. She said, simply, people are uncomfortable, awkward and don't know what else to say. Because somehow a reason makes bad things better? But when it comes to this that doesn't apply and most people don't get that.

    Whenever someone posts an Intro on here you will almost always see them saying, "I am so sorry for what you're going through. So sorry for your pain. So sorry you lost your baby. I will pray for you". I still don't understand why that is so hard for people to say in place of whatever silly, hurtful or cruel thing that comes out of their mouth.

    Also, I have a lot of people telling me "God has a plan". I understand he has a plan but was his plan to take 2 of my babies? Because if that was his plan I find no comfort in those words because I am terrified of what might happen if I get pregnant again. I am a religious person but I am really REALLY struggling with this.
  • **siggy warning**

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Does your hospital have a miscarriage support group? I ask because ours does and I think it would be a better place go for you right now.

    I would thank the Sr. Pastor's wife and let her know the best thing you can hear right now is "I am thinking of you" and that if the ladies want to pray for comfort for you while you are grieving you would welcome it.

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  • **siggy warning**

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Does your hospital have a miscarriage support group? I ask because ours does and I think it would be a better place go for you right now.

    I would thank the Sr. Pastor's wife and let her know the best thing you can hear right now is "I am thinking of you" and that if the ladies want to pray for comfort for you while you are grieving you would welcome it.

    Never thought of checking with the hospital. Great idea!
  • I agree - sometimes the most caring people say the most hurtful things, because they don't realize the impact their words have. I really like the PP comment about us being made for Eden and that things are hard to deal with because it's not what we were made for. I also do believe that God does allow (not cause!) bad things to happen because of this fallen world, as much as He doesn't like it. He can give us strength to get through them.

    My gut reaction to your pastor's wife's offer to start a support group was negative - that's probably more a reflection of my interactions with my church family coloring my opinion, but I'll share it anyway. In my experiences, any time I've suggested something to minister to a group like myself (when I was single, I asked why there wasn't a singles group, for example) the answers I got were - well, why don't you start one? Seemingly innocent, but what they fail to realize that is if you are the person starting a group, you become the minister to others, the leader of the group, when what you really need is to be ministered to. In this time of grief and heartbreak, the last thing I personally want is to be responsible for anyone/anything else. I would advise seeking out an established group somewhere else. Then, maybe down the road, when you're ready, you may want to step up and start a group to offer that kind of support to others at your church. Don't feel obligated to do that now! 
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  • Just wanted to send you warm thoughts and say how much I can relate. My daughter had a severe chromosomal problem, and we decided to terminate, to save her from a short life of pain. I got a lot of the same things from people. My personal 'favorite' that I hated to here was "it's all for best". This made me so hot under the collar. It still upsets me to think of it, but I guess people just never know what to say, so they say what they think sounds reasonable, or what they think they would want to here. For me though, the worst thing of all was the looks of pity. Especially from the doctor I was sent to for high risk pregnancies. When she gave me the news that confirmed my Zoë's condition, she gave me this look filled with so much pity I just wanted to scream. Or when we were talking about some cramping I had early on in my pregnancy and her reply was "well that was probably your body trying to do the right thing" in this sort of flippant way. Sometimes people really just don't think. I am so sorry for what your going through.
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  • I just wished people could give us a hug and a tub of icecream instead of their reasons why. I'm glad I'm not the only one getting over people's reasons. They can be so hurtful especially the your not ready to be a parent, or not enough vitamins (that's ridiculous) oh and the at least you know you can get pregnant. Who cares if I now know I can get pregnant. Is that meant to make us think oh hell yer I'm awesome because I can conceive give me a medal!

    I'm glad I'm not the only one that has the same views in faith and knows god didn't take our angels but he is now looking after them.

    I can't believe the book you read @qanda2013‌! My husband works for a Christian book store and is reading them before he lets me see it. My mum sent me a book and I read it and their was nothing wrong with it, it just stated normal facts but I got so upset because I felt it was written to ladies that knew they where pregnant and talked a lot about that while I found out I was pregnant the day after I lost my angel so I just felt more alone because nothing is really out their for people in my situation of having to come to terms I had something growing in me I never knew until it left me.

    I don't have a hospital I go to and no support group but my doctor is amazing and I'm going in tomorrow to get a referral to a psychologist because I'm at and extremely dangerous depression level.

    I've decided not to let the church know. As much as I know they will have my back (diners will be cooked for us, flowers delivered everything like that) I just can't keep explaining to people how I lost my baby, know I didn't know I was pregnant, no I'm not trying for a child and why, how I'm feeling and hear again their reasons why and I know a few won't get it and I may kick them and being a youth pastor I don't think that would look good on my behalf.

    Again I really appreciate and love this group. You are all like my best friends that I've never met and we share such a strong bond. Love you all x

    Ps. Thanks for the scriptures to x

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