Step parent bathing child

brandyleighxx

Give me some perspective, when should a step father stop bathing his step daughter? My step daughter is 5.5 yrs and both DH feel it's getting to a point where it's inappropriate. Her mother disagrees. Thoughts?

hopanka

Who is the step? You say its your step DD, but then you say Step father bathing step DD? Is he the bio father? That would make a difference, but at the same time the child is getting close to the age of being able to take a shower on her own. My ASD son had this hygiene skill mastered by 6 yo.

brandyleighxx

I am step mother, I'm talking about her step father bathing her. My DH, her bio,agrees. Her bio mother does not agree.

Mkherren12

My Dh bathes my dd (his sd) she is 7 almost 8. Now granted she has special needs and is more along the lines of a 5 year old. And yes I can see that we are probably getting close to the point of stopping but I don't feel we are quite there yet. I also think it depends on the child.

The sad reality of co-parenting is that you can only ask for changes at the other house. You don't really get a say in how things are done over there. Just trust that mom has daughters best interest at heart and watch how things go. If you suspect inappropriateness just document document document.

SimpleJane

I think by 5.5 they can pretty much bath themselves. My DS has been showering alone since 5 yo. If she needs help washing her hair or something I think that's fine, but she should be doing most of it on her own. Is she expressing being uncomfortable? If not I don't think it's a huge deal yet, as long as everyone is working to get her bathing independently soon.

Jags8

I feel like at 5.5, she is old enough to pretty much bathe herself. Just a few check-ins are needed to see if they need help with anything. I guess I would feel uncomfortable with a man who is not my child's father bathing her. My stepdad never helped me bathe.

ambrvan

We had sexual abuse issues so I feel strongly about this. We encouraged privacy and physical independence much earlier than most would. My SD was bathing herself at that age with no assistance.

Does the step dad bathe her when the BM is available to do so? I'm sorry, maybe it's just the experiences we had, but I seriously doubt any normal man loves bathe little girls. And is he physically bathing her or just supervising? I could understand helping with her hair, she should be bathing body completely on her own by now.

Shoot, my DH never bathed my SD because it made him uncomfortable. He felt like a man shouldn't bathe a girl (there are reasons behind that for him). Of course, that's reserved to the extreme. But my point is that no man enjoys giving a little girl a bath, especially an older girl.

lookame3639

I am somewhat on the same page as ambrvan. Only instead of the step dad bathing a little girl it was exs girlfriend bathing DS. He was uncomfortable taking baths at age 5 to begin with and he could wash his entire body and his hair by himself yet the girlfriend insisted on bathing DS alone. When CPS got involved she finally stopped bathing DS but the damage was done at that point. I see everyone's point though you can make your concerns known to the mother but at the end of the day you can't be there to ensure it happens. Watch for key signs such as a fear of the bathroom, a strong need of personal space(if you, a teacher ect touch her on her shoulder does she flip out?), and reverting back to younger behavior. As to answer your question at age 5 I do not feel a step father(or any parent) should be actively involved in bathing. There are special circumstances such as helping with washing the hair, the child vomited everywhere, or if there are mental or physical conditions requiring more attention.

new+tothis

I pretty much agree. Supervising = ok. Actively bathing.... not really at that age. She should be able to do it herself. My almost 4 year old doesn't need help except his hair. We supervise with him in the shower curtain closed the entire time except for turning the water on and washing his hair if he needs it.

SueBear

Why is he bathing her?  Why isn't her mom?

I think it really depends on the kid.  I know kids in DS class who still cannot wipe their own butts (and their moms are not happy about that, so it's not that they are being babied because the mom won't let go!).  I still help DS wash his hair and he is 9, but he has poor motor skills.

You can't control what happens in mom's house unless you suspect abuse.  I would encourage your DSD to be a "big girl" and wash herself independently and your own home, and tell her she should do the same at mommy's.

 

MommyEllenSue

I agree with pp supervising is ok and helping to wash hair. Actually physical bathing she is old enough to do herself. We had this issue with the step dad too. We pushed Independance and really talked about private parts and who is allowed to touch them (only the child).

brandyleighxx

thanks ladies

ambrvan

We had the same talks as MommyEllenSue.

And we told SD that even though she is a kids and is not supposed to tell adults no or argue with them, her body belongs to her and she can always tell someone no about her body.

We also have stressed personal responsibility for her body and personal care. That's a tough line to walk, too make them take responsibility for their body to keep them out of harmful situations if tat makes sense) without making them feel like it's their fault if something happens.

+just+j+

My daughter is 4. My husband feels uncomfortable bathing my daughter, but if he is solo (meaning his girlfriend is not home) and our daughter needs a bath, he supervises to ensure her safety and washes her hair only.  He leaves all bathing assistance otherwise up to his girlfriend and I am okay with this due to that they are both girls.  A step father in my opinion should not bath a child of the opposite sex.  It's either just flat out inappropriate or it can be mis-construed. 

My daughter will probably be privately bathing by the time I'm ever involved with a live in boyfriend/husband again but say I was in that position right now...I would not dream of putting either in a difficult or awkward position. 

dmndsr4eva

Where is her mother while this is happening??

YummyChef

I went from occasionally bathing to supervising my SS at around 5 - 5.5 years old (no one had to tell me to do it). I hold the shower head, point it where it needs to be pointed and tell him what to do without touching him. His mom, dad and both nannies all still bathe him (he's seven and a half now) which I think is completely absurd.

Sunday924

My daughter is 7.5 and her SD gives her a bath. I don't think it's an issue at all and if anyone (him or her) ever felt uncomfortable with it we would stop. He just washes her hair and puts soap on her sponge so she can wash her own body. She has crazy hair and can't do it herself. I leave for work before anyone gets up so that's why he does it. Again she has crazy hair so her bath must be done in the mornings not evenings. 

dmndsr4eva

Sunday924 said:

My daughter is 7.5 and her SD gives her a bath. I don't think it's an issue at all and if anyone (him or her) ever felt uncomfortable with it we would stop. He just washes her hair and puts soap on her sponge so she can wash her own body. She has crazy hair and can't do it herself. I leave for work before anyone gets up so that's why he does it. Again she has crazy hair so her bath must be done in the mornings not evenings. 

Um, yeah...i don't know.  That seems inappropriate to me but I have known people who were abused.  At what age do kids usually learn to wash their own hair?

Sunday924

dmndsr4eva said:

Sunday924 said:

My daughter is 7.5 and her SD gives her a bath. I don't think it's an issue at all and if anyone (him or her) ever felt uncomfortable with it we would stop. He just washes her hair and puts soap on her sponge so she can wash her own body. She has crazy hair and can't do it herself. I leave for work before anyone gets up so that's why he does it. Again she has crazy hair so her bath must be done in the mornings not evenings. 

Um, yeah...i don't know.  That seems inappropriate to me but I have known people who were abused.  At what age do kids usually learn to wash their own hair?

I was abused by my mothers brother (not during bath) but I know my husband would not abuse my daughter. That does not mean that I don't discuss it with her and that I don't look for signs....always with anyone. He has been with her since she was one and he is her dad just not legally. Would you allow your child's own father to bathe his 7.5 year old daughter? He could be abusive just the same as a SF.  I'm not sure what age kids wash their own hair. I know I was washing my hair at this age but you just don't understand her hair lol. 

hopanka

For me, I think it doesn't matter if it's a BF or SF. A 7.5 yo child that doesn't have any special circumstances should not be bathed by a parent of the opposite sex. Seems unnecessary and honestly, at that time kids start to develop a natural need for privacy when it comes to private parts, which should be respected. When it comes to supervising or helping get the water the right temp, that's fine, but I'm talking about really bathing the kid. Not necessary, IMO. My 8 yo slowly started closing the bathroom door when using the toilet this year and he wants the curtain closed when showering now, too. It just started this past year and I respect that. When I was around that age, my dad naturally just quit coming in the bathroom when I was bathing. It was just understood and yes, I would have felt shy and uncomfortable, just like if anyone else barged on me in the bathroom. You are not a toddler at that age anymore, it's sort of innate to not want to be naked around either a person of the opposite sex or a stranger. It's still ok around a parent or a friend of the same sex, such as a bunch of boys in a locker room taking showers or a mom helping her daughter wash her hair (my mom had to help me as my hair was very long until I was about 10), but no way would I have been comfortable with my dad doing that, and he would not have been either, I don't think. He never asked either, it was simply understood. Oh, and I have a very loving, involved father.

sergeantb44

My SD is 7.5 and I tend to agree with pp. I help her get the water right and do her hair.. her dad does not do it unless I am not around. .she started asking me for help instead of him..they still talk about things but we usually direct to me for girl things...good luck since as many have said you can't control what goes on at their house..we run into that since her mother's boyfriend often is only one home..i spend a lot of time reiterating private parts and safety with her..

TheBuddha

Jags8 said:

I feel like at 5.5, she is old enough to pretty much bathe herself. Just a few check-ins are needed to see if they need help with anything. I guess I would feel uncomfortable with a man who is not my child's father bathing her. My stepdad never helped me bathe.

This.

akflutterby

I have never experienced abuse, so I can't speak to that, and I don't want to be insensitive to anyone's experiences, but how long have the BM and her husband been together? My husband doesn't physically bathe my DD (9yo), but he did help wash her hair until she was around 7 or 8 if I needed him to, but we have been together since she was 2 and a half and he is her daddy. I can't say anything about the mom's character but do you guys have a good, open relationship? Does DH trust her to do what's right? Know and trust her husband? I don't know if there's a magic age of "don't do that" we just respect each child's boundaries as they develop.

cerafina205

I would sit in the bathroom with my step son with the shower curtain closed when he was 5. There was no helping him bathe and I definately couldn't see him. Just basically making sure he doesn't drown in the tub. I wanted to teach him about privacy and that NO adult except dad and bio mom should see "private parts." Plus it's just plain weird.

Karma1969

My DS is 5 1/2 and other than making sure he's clean when he gets out of the shower he does everything himself.  If he's extra dirty I might do a quick prelim scrub.  He wants to do it all by himself now.

bluesmiley78

My hubby who is the biological father decided that around 4 our DD (my step daughter) would no longer take showers with him and that he would only help in her showers if she asked for something specific. I believe that at 6 mist children can do it themselves. If she does have hair that is in need of an adult I can see why he helps...and if bio mom is a good judge and believes it's an ok thing that I guess you will have to have faith that she knows. It's hard to not have the option of changing things when they are at the "other parents" house.