Coasting through... everything?

Asallade

It's been just over two weeks since my D&C, and just under two weeks that I've been back to work. I still can't get myself together at work. I'm totally unable to focus on any task that requires more than minimal effort. Anything that requires thought or effort makes me just shut down. I don't know why. I'm getting to the point where I can't put off some tasks much longer, yet I can't make any progress on them either. I haven't told anyone at work about what happened. No one knew I was pregnant, so no one needed to know I lost my baby.

Our usually calm little department has been raked over the coals lately - the day I came back, one person lost a family member in a tragic way, another has been in the hospital with pneumonia, and a third was let go. Fully 1/3 of our department has had major issues and that's not including mine! I feel like I need to just keep pushing through rather than add any more misery, or any more expectation that someone else will pick up the slack - we're already stretched so thin as it is. (And what do I do? Spend most of my workday here with you ladies!)

As I've been writing this, I was thinking about how I should tell you that this is only happening at work, but the more I thought about it, I realize that I'm coasting through life outside of work too. I haven't talked to many people other than DH, I've stayed close to home (as much from lack of opportunity to get out as lack of interest), and although I've been acting as if everything's ok, I'm not sure who I'm fooling.

I don't know what I'm looking for here...maybe just a chance to vent, maybe to hear that I'm not crazy. I so much want to be past this all - on to TTC again and on with normal life. Yet it seems neither my body nor my brain will let me.

gabbagal

You are definitely not crazy. I went through a period at work that can be best described as sort of floating through a fog. I estimated my productivity at about 40%. Also, every morning I would drive to work, park in the garage, and just sit in my car for about 5 minutes with a really heavy feeling. Time also seemed to slow down, so the first few weeks after the m/c felt like months. I will say that for me it has gotten better (I am 2.5 months out from my most recent m/c). There are still triggers, but I feel like I have mostly returned to my "normal" routine. I hope things return for you as much as possible, as soon as possible.

BackstreetPixie

It takes time to feel "normal" again. It has been three months and I am only now feeling like I am ready to TTC again, but i have to wait for other medical reasons. Do not feel guilty, you gotta coast through it or as my acting teacher used to say fake it until you make it. Don't feel like you can't talk about if you want to, but also don't feel like you have to talk about it. Everyone grieves differently and only time will heal you. I'm so sorry for your loss ::hugs:: what you are going through is absolutely normal.

stephy1221

I know the feeling I start out the day strong but by afternoon I just don't have it in me anymore. I am sure this will pass for all of us but it is hard to focus right now.

AggieBeth06

I lose my temper badly, even at work. Today was rough. I had no choice to not be at full productivity because I had to finish something important by the time I left, and it was aggravating because people kept dragging out giving me their parts. I cursed. Loudly.

I think it can be normal to feel numb... Like you're going through the motions. I felt that way too before today, and I'm sure I'll feel that way tomorrow.

(((Hugs)))

dandb925

You're definitely not crazy. I think our bodies know what we can deal with, so just going through the motions is the new normal for us, until we heal. Work has been somewhat of a distraction, but I know I'm not fully there. Sending hugs to you all.

Maxsmommy123112

Sometimes a little validation goes a long way. You are certainly not alone. I have some good days, some days I am numb, some days I am sad but can pretend and some days I am downright depressed and there is no pretending.

It's like a weird fog. Just trying to go through the motions of life while also dealing with the "emotion of the day".

I still am not being as social as I used to be. I almost feel like I'm hiding out because who knows what will trigger my mood.

I know it will get better for both of us - all of us - sometimes I just wish there was a fast forward button.

I am so sorry and you are certainly not crazy!!

Asallade

Thanks ladies!!! I appreciate your support SO much! It's just so hard to talk about in person, but I know I can come here and feel less alone. I think writing this all out yesterday was helpful - I know it was good to get it out.