a vent, or something like that - update in comments

bumpuser794640

I texted BM a pic of B earlier, which started a conversation during which BM said that she wishes she had waited a few months before placing him because everything would have been different and she wouldn't have placed him, and that now that she has had contact from BF she feels like she's made a mistake that will hurt B and his BF by placing. She said she had no one to talk to for advice about the events happening that lead to his placement and she never would have placed him otherwise, etc.

There is nothing I can say in response to these texts. I don't know what these 'events' were. BF knew about her pg and that B was born and never did anything to support her or him until he got back in touch with her earlier this month, so I don't know that that has really changed at all or that he would be supporting her & B now if she hadn't placed him.

We've heard nothing from the attorney regarding whether bf got representation and is pursuing a re-hearing of his termination, today is the deadline for that.

I know that regrets and uncertainty are normal feelings for BMs to experience, but I'm worried that these feelings may not ho away, which will make our open relationship very strained and awkward. I'm also concerned with how BM will portray this to B when he's old enough to understand.

We have another visit with her in a couple weeks and now I'm worried it will be awful. I felt sick when I was reading her texts, and I am not sure how to cope with these emotions, or how to (or if) to respond to her texts.

I'm not sure if I need advice, but any words of comfort would be great.

MileHighMaam

No advice but so sorry that you are going through this.   

aligross

gnome - You are supposed to be B's mama... there's no doubt about it! Recognizing that she is going through the stages of grief is amazing on your part! Hang in there! You're doing a fantastic job with B!!! 

plus12012

Big hugs to you. B is very lucky to have so many people to love him and especially to have you to not only be there to provide love but stability, protection, nurturing and guidance.

Dr.Loretta

Hugs to you

hey_its_jenn

I would have no idea how to respond to those texts either. I would want to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry your going through all of this" but I don't know if that would make her feel any better.

Big hugs to you and mister B who just makes me smile every time I see your picture! 

julandjo

Wow.  What a difficult thing to read from her.    I'm sorry you're all going through this.  Does she not have access to counseling?  Ugh, I feel sick for you.

Lacyj67

Huge hugs. I can only imagine the fear and panick that would come out of getting those texts but just know she is your little one and ment to be with you!

bumpuser794640

@fredalina‌ yes, we went through an agency. I will contact them tomorrow to see what services they have available for her. They are in the midst of a new SW starting soon, so I'm not sure how fast they will be able to help. Blah.

maryoosa

@GnomeSweetGnome

I'm so sorry you are going through this- it's hard and it's great that you have an open relationship with her, but I imagine the grief she has is probably extreme at this point. Perhaps, to comfort yourself think of this- she did wait to place--- she waited six months--- did she wait those six months becuase she was hoping the BF would somehow come around and now he has only post-placement? Or were there other issues at play that make her unable to care for her son? In terms of grieving- since you worked with an agency it is absolutely their responsibility to make sure that her needs are being met. Regardless of if they have 20 new social workers starting- they have a responsibility to her that they need to meet. So ride them until they provide her with some services. Grief is terrible. And bearing witness to grief from a mom who has placed her life with you is probably one of the hardest things you will have to bear as an adoptive parent. Hang in there.

CarolinaGirl2014

So sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't know what to say, either. I have a few thoughts:
1. She may have just had a down moment. I am very happy with my adoption but still have some pretty low lows occasionally. She very well may come around to having peace with her decision in time.
2. Agency should certainly be providing counseling for her regardless of transition. The reality is they may not- mine flat out told me that the "counseling" AP's expect (and I'm sure pay for) is to allow me to call the director if I need to talk and direct me to birthmom buds, where at least half of the active members regret their adoption and their anger at AP's and the system is contagious. I say this b/c my daughter's parents were absolutely shocked to hear this and even sort of lied to when they asked about it. If she continues to open up, could you recommend contacting a church or pregnancy crisis center as they can often direct her to free counseling?
3. Hang in there. You are doing such an anazing thing for B by going through this hardship. Don't give up on her b/c I know for me, having an open line of contact with A's parents feels like a lifeline. Counseling and time will help her learn the appropriate things to say to you. At least you have time to let her go through the grief process before worrying what she will say to B about it.

bumpuser794640

I contacted the agency and they said the new SW will be happy to talk with her, and they thanked me for bringing the situation to their attention. I also responded to the BM saying that I'm sure her thoughts and emotions are normal, but that maybe it would help to talk to someone who can be objective about the situation. Also recommended contacting the agency and let her know that they will provide counseling for her.

She hasn't responded yet, but I hope that she will call them. I think the new SW will contact her, too, since she will have a heads-up about the situation. Thanks for the advice!

Dr.Loretta

Yay, I'm glad you contacted them and that things seem to be moving in a positive direction

erinmc1

I think you did exactly the right thing.  I hope they are able to get her the counseling she needs, and that she's receptive to being counseled.  

annalisel

Hugs. I'd feel exactly as you did in response to the texts. I think you did the right thing contacting the agency. Hopefully the new SW will get in in contact and B's birth mom will be interested in counseling. All the agencies we talked to stressed that it's not the adoptive parent's role to be therapist and to do exactly what you did.

CarolinaGirl2014

Glad you got some resolution. I think you handled it beautifully. You shouldn't have to take on that role but she needs to know that her voice is heard, and you saw to that. B is blessed to have you.

sumati

Hugs.  I'm glad the agency can talk with her.