House Guest Concern After Twins Arrive

oughtonk

First let me say I'll try to make this short and to the point and hopefully the frustration I felt this weekend has died down some.  I'm really just looking for advice, someone to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or unfair, and how you ladies have handled similar situations or would handle this.

The original plan was for SOs parents (who live out of state) to come once we know the babies are coming or shortly after they are born; about a 15 hour drive for them.  I told SO they could stay in the guest room and it wouldn't be an issue because they are adults and would be supportive and helpful when the twins come home.  Of course this is all based off the assumption I carry them full term and they have minimal NICU time; fully aware this whole thing could end up tipped another way.

Here we go...as of a few of weeks ago his parents have taken custody over his sister's 4 children, it's a long story that I'd rather not go in to.  However, it's seeming like they will have custody of them for the long term.  With that SO and I had come to the conclusion that his parents probably wouldn't be able to make it out when the twins come; bummed us out but we understand the situation they are dealing with.  SO talked to his dad this weekend and told him we understood they would probably not make it out given everything that is going on, to which is dad replied "oh we're still coming out, we will just rent a minivan and bring the 4 kids."  (The kids are 6, 4, 3 and 6 months).  I asked SO where they were planning on staying if they bring the kids, the response was well our house of course.....I think it irked me because this is a different situation than the original plan that should have had a discussion around it prior to him telling his dad they could still stay with us.

Deep breath....ummm excuse me!  I was okay with his parents but the thought of 3 kids (2 of which are rather unruly) and an infant in the house plus their dog scream my house is going to be a zoo for a week right after I bring home newborn twins.  Yes we have the room for them to sleep but do I have the mental capacity to handle it?

My concerns range from us adjusting to life with our new babies, getting them and ourselves into routines, having optimal time for bonding with them, a peaceful and calm household while I'm recovering and for the twins, etc.  This all seems to go out the window when you add 4 kids into the mix.  I explained my concerns to SO and he understands but he wants his parents to be around when the twins are born, which I completely understand and am totally okay with.  It's the kids being around that is stressing me out.  

When I had my son I didn't have any visitors for more than an hour or two when he came home while I adjusted to being a FTM, this was after he spent 2 weeks in the NICU,

Hit me straight please....am I being unreasonable?

4legsRbest

Emphatically, no. You are not being unreasonable. If they can't arrange for care, they need to postpone their trip. Regardless of what happens timing wise with the birth of your babies, you will need to take advantage of all the rest and bonding you can get in in the first few weeks before the babies become wide-eyed and don't sleep so much. Not to mention the stress (mess, clean-up, food, etc.) of SIX houseguests. I honestly don't see how they can be of much help to you with 4 children under the age of 6 with them. And one still an infant - Yikes!

My sister, who lives in town, stopped by to visit a lot with her 3 and 5 year old when my DS was brand new and while I didn't really take issue with it at all, you have to watch LOs this age like a hawk around newborns, even if they are "used" to them. It is just not safe, IMO, and sounds like a ton of work.

I know it is important to your DH to have them there, but maybe they just do a quick fly-in/fly-out to meet the babies if they can't come alone.

ETA: typos

Manada

I am still at the beginning of our twin pregnancy but I have to agree with the PP. I can't imagine having that houseful at a time that is bound to be high stress, plus there is no way I would want that many germs around myself after birth or my newborn twins.

Good luck!

ballygirl

oh god - I totally agree with you.  Adult visitors are one thing - My mother and MIL stayed with use the first couple weeks and it was pretty helpful and it meant a lot to them to get to see the babies.  But a slew of kids and a dog? - nope.  That seems like it would add sooo much more chaos to what is already going to be a hard and chaotic time. You will need some peace and quiet in those first couple weeks. 

 If they do end up coming, I would set some clear rules and boundaries, especially for the kids.  Like - if the kids are getting unruly or stir crazy, they need to leave the house and your inlaws should just go somewhere with them for awhile - the park, Chucky Cheese - anything.  They need to not add any more mess or chaos to your house so your inlaws should make sure they are taking care of feeding and cleaning up after the kids at all times.  That should not be your or DH's responsibility right now.  And they need to respect your wishes regarding time with the newborns.  Newborns need a lot of sleep and if you say hands off - everyone needs to respect that and go play in another part of the house or outside or something.  They need to not add any work to what you already will be dealing with.

 

Sorry you are in this situation! I hope it all works out!

mer313131

I don't have experience with twins yet, but have DD. Definitely no, no, no. I understand that your SO wants his parents around, but it would severely impact the well-being of you and those babies. You need time to adjust and get into a routine, especially with two this will be complicated as it is. In addition to all the other concerns you and PP raised, I'm also thinking about the risks of disease to your newborns being around little kids so early. The only compromise I can think of is for them to stay in a hotel and do a quick visit. 100% no house guests.

BeesKnees181

The thought of all those extra children running around right after getting home with twins totally gives me anxiety for you!  I do not think it is unreasonable to want to maintain a calm and peaceful home after bringing your babies home.  And I totally understand where you are coming from because I have certain family members that do not quite understand this as well.  Be honest with them.  It is your home.

LucyRicardo3

there's no way I would go for that.
I admire them for taking in the kids but it's likely they cannot get someone else to keep them due to legal circumstances.
You and your SO will need some alone time, as in a week or two, to decompress, bond, and figure out your new groove. Speaking from personal experience, sleepless nights, milk coming in, etc are stressful enough alone, without houseguests.

I understand your SO's wishes to have the grandparents present, but trust me, it will be a happier visit if you're not being house-crashed by several people as you come home from the hospital who are trying to manage children who've, by the sounds of it, have already been through a lot.

oughtonk

LucyRicardo3 said:

there's no way I would go for that.
I admire them for taking in the kids but it's likely they cannot get someone else to keep them due to legal circumstances.
You and your SO will need some alone time, as in a week or two, to decompress, bond, and figure out your new groove. Speaking from personal experience, sleepless nights, milk coming in, etc are stressful enough alone, without houseguests.

I understand your SO's wishes to have the grandparents present, but trust me, it will be a happier visit if you're not being house-crashed by several people as you come home from the hospital who are trying to manage children who've, by the sounds of it, have already been through a lot.

I do think there's some legal circumstances with them finding other care for the kids.  I'm actually not even 100% sure they are going to be able to leave the state with the kids; so this could all blow over if that's the case as well.  My thought was maybe they wait a few weeks and then they can all come out, after we've found our groove.

oughtonk

Thank you ladies for responding.  We still keep arguing about it but I'm hoping he will start to understand my side.  I feel like his parents would understand too if it was brought up to them the right way.  Only time will tell I guess but I think I'm going to keep standing firm on this one.

whitehousem

I agree with PP, no way! This sounds like an absolute nightmare. I think it's borderline rude that they expect to come stay with you and bring four kids and a dog. Put your foot down and don't feel bad about it for one second. You don't need that kind of stress.

Odebdo

Totally agree...my answer would be a BIG no.

I plan to make people aware that they may not be coming over much the first little bit and that is for family that is IN town.  A lot will depend on how I am able to deliver, and how well the babies do...

But I would in NO way have house guests that included 4 children.

daisy19782011

um....just NO. This would irritate me to no end. So sorry you are going through this, but aside from the germs they would bring near NEW babies, you WILL NOT want 4 children running around your house!

oughtonk

sing4mysavior said:

Let your SO read this thread. We all say a big.fat.no.

I think I'm making him read it tonight :-)

Thanks ladies!

dmurrie

No way! I'm stressing out enough about the possibility of my in-laws staying after the twins are born, without adding 4 kids and a dog to the mix! That sounds like a madhouse waiting to happen!

Also... isn't the 6-year-old supposed to be in school? Unless you're expecting during the summer.

Palan

HELL to the NO, enough said

JTA2426

Omg no. Just... NO. Never allow this.

TheDairyQueenx3

Nope! There is no way that would ever fly with me. The adults yes but the kids and a dog, NO!

StacyH0507

I would say no for sure! too much added stress and with you trying to adjust to your new life with twins it would be chaos! 

PurpleIris30

Yeah, add another no. Not just no, but no way in hell.


Also, because my girls were born prematurely, they are still not allowed to be around kids and can be around adults only if they've met a laundry list of precautions. Basically, they are on house isolation except for essential visitors (like their home health nurse, etc.). I'm on mobile, so can't see when you are due, but there's always a possibility you medically might not be able to have any visitors, especially child germ factories.

caden

I didn't even get to the end of your OP. I stopped at "4 kids" and went "LOL. Nope".

JoDoc

Yeah, I don't think I could say No enough for you.  Having the parents is one thing, having the extra kids is another.  And like one other poster stated, there are germ factors with kids, and can you guarantee that you'd be able to have visitors?  Ours were 3 weeks early and we had to limit who could be around them.  Adults and children, didn't matter.  If they can't understand your hesitation at having the children there, maybe your SO needs to have a chat with them.  Explain that you aren't having an issue with the adults, but the other kids can't be there after you give birth.  Just flat-out-NO.  Don't waver in your decision, whatever it is.  You have to put your health and the health of your babies above everything else, especially someone's feelings.  If you get sick or run down, you could make your babies sick.  This could end up putting them in the hospital.  Something I'm pretty sure no one there wants to have happen.  Basically, keep in mind, you are your babies' advocate.  You have to speak up for them and their safety (health and otherwise).  You also have to stand up for yourself.  If you aren't healthy you can't take care of your babies.  Don't let people say "Well, we'll take care of them."  YOU need to be able to.  Yes, you will need/want help, but you will want the bonding time you get when you are caring for your babies.  My hubby and I both got up during the nights to feed, and it was amazing.  If it had been just one of us, the other would have missed out on the bonding.  That's something you can't get back.  

Ok, I rambled...sorry. 

Basically....NO!!!

Brummy14

No. Effing. Way. No. 

I didn't even want adults staying with us with the exception of my mom -- and she was there to help, 100%. She did laundry, night duty to give me a few straight hours of sleep -- all of the not-fun baby stuff. My boobs were out 24-7, I was lucky if I showered every 3 days - forget about my patience level. DH was so fried he got to a point I suggested he wear ear plugs to take the edge off. 

I don't think I wanted anyone to even freaking visit for months. Preemie germophobe issues aside, most people don't want extended exposure to germy kiddos running around newborns, anyway.

Did we tick people off? Yes. You know what? They got over it. Hell, I'd argue they forgot the conversation ever happened. Now some even say they would do the same if it had been them. You do what is right for YOU. It is NOT your job to make anyone else happy. Not one bit.

Ylvelill

While I agree that this seems like a situation where you wouldn't want to be overwhelmed with visitors in your house, I have issues with the idea of kids not being around new borns.

People have more kids all the time, are they supposed to ship off the older siblings for a few months so there is no contact? Please

PurpleIris30

Ylvelill said:

While I agree that this seems like a situation where you wouldn't want to be overwhelmed with visitors in your house, I have issues with the idea of kids not being around new borns. People have more kids all the time, are they supposed to ship off the older siblings for a few months so there is no contact? Please

I hope to God you are never in a situation where you have premature twins that are struggling to breathe or even to live.  Because I will guarantee you will do whatever the neonatalogists tell you to do to keep your children alive.

You think I don't allow other kids to visit because it's fun for me? or that I get kicks out of telling family members they can't visit?  Well, your "issues" are exactly the same ignorant stance that make preemie parents' lives miserable and guilt/anxiety-provoking, because people like you are so dismissive of the orders we've received from our doctors.

We didn't have older children, but if we did, we would have been advised to pull them from any daycares and to limit their exposures to RSV and flu the same as any other family member.

So don't be so glib about a situation you've never experienced.  RSV is literally life threatening for my girls with chronic lung disease, so don't be dismissive and demeaning until you've walked in the shoes of a momma that will do anything under the sun to keep her kids healthy, even if it's just following a doctor's orders, and even if it's not allowing other kids (the germ factory label was a direct quote from their neonatalogist) to visit.

BabyCarryingVessel

You are not unreasonable at all! You will be tired and healing from giving birth and (maybe trying to breastfeed?). If you're anything like me, having other non-sibling children around will be like nails on a chalkboard - constantly. You need rest and plenty of help, REAL help. Those four kids are just babies themselves. It sounds like they have been through a lot and bringing them into a strange new home with newborn babies is a terrible idea. I'm just giving you my thoughts and experiences, but please don't allow this to happen!

Ylvelill

@‌PurpleIris30

I knew I should have put in a disclaimer

I did not mean to be glib and if course there are situations where you have to take extra steps to protect your babies.

My rant was to the general obsession there seems to be around germs and kids in ordinary situations.

24karat

No, you are not overreacting or being unreasonable. I cannot think of a way where that scenario would be acceptable.

Things will be disrupted enough with adjusting to two newborns and recovery. You don't need to add in four more kids, even if they are family or perfectly behaved. It's a terrible idea and IMO you'd probably be better off with no help at all. It's not like the kids are old enough to fend for themselves, KWIM? Someone will have to feed, entertain, clean, and supervise them. It's extra completely unnecessary stress and exposure for your new family. It's not fair to you or these children.

bumpuser924057

OMG. Reading this post almost gave me hives. Let me tell you, I was so overwhelmed with the babies that I didn't even want my OWN SON around the house, let alone someone else's children AND my in-laws. I mean, I seriously can't stop grimacing at the thought of it. My in-laws visited when the babies were six weeks old and stayed in a hotel instead of our house and it was STILL stressful as hell.

As for the germs and illness thing... My son turned two just two weeks before the twins were born, and I did my best to keep contamination to a minimum, but I swear both babes had colds for almost six months straight and my girl twin ended up in the ER at seven weeks old because she had a fever of 100.8 and they did a whole array of tests (a catheter for a urine sample, IV for blood, and a freaking spinal tap for meningitis). Awful, miserable, and very expensive night. If I had it to do over again, I'd have been even more careful until after they hit the eight week mark where a fever is no longer an immediate ER trip.

oughtonk

I've got SO on the same page finally I think.  I showed him a lot of the posts from you ladies and he saw more than just my perspective.  It helped so thank you! At this point it sounds like he's going to tell his parents if they can come without the kids they are more than welcome but if the kids have to come they need to hold off on the visit for awhile.  He'll explain the concerns we have and hopefully they understand. I'm feeling much better about the whole thing!

xladybassx

No way times a million! From a safety standpoint, you never want to expose newborns to kids. They have so many germs, and that could be dangerous for your little ones. Add to that, if your babies came early- even just a few weeks- it could seriously impact their immune systems making it even more dangerous for them to be around kids. A big reason for having help in the first place is so the adults outnumber the kids and you can get some rest. Say no to additional kids!

ANGnJON

I'm so sorry your in this situation! I have to say that just hearing this scenario has almost given me a panic attack! I can't even begin to understand how this situation could result in a helpful or positive outcome! If they do want to come I would request that they stay in a hotel / efficiency unit while visiting! There is NO way I would allow this any other way! You're not being selfish or rude by saying no, you have to remind them that your babies are your priority! I wish you the best of luck!

SandraPB1220

I agree with everyone else.  I can not fathom the idea of having that many people in my house after having two newborns and trying to adjust to such a huge life change.  Besides what everyone else said, one of the first things I thought of was the added costs of feeding, showering, laundry for 6!!! extra people in addition to the 2 new ones you have.  And @Ylvelill, I'm sure you didn't mean anything by your post, but I can not agree more with everyone else on this issue.  Kids are nothing but germ factories.  When they are a sibling of the new baby(ies), they share an environment and probably a lot of the same germs.  Also, when they are a sibling the parents are (obviously) going to be more conscious of washing hands and not letting the kids slime their germs all over the new babies.  When it's someone else's kid, it's harder to discipline them when they're doing something you don't like.  I had a friend over with their 6 month old son and saw another one of my friend's 5 year old sons sticking his finger in the 6 month old's mouth!!  YUCK!  Overall, OP, I would say an emphatic HELL NO! just like everyone else.  That is TOO much stress/trouble during an already overly stressful time.  Hope for your sake that your SOs parents are understanding.