How do you identify?

newmompeanut

My girlfriend is starting a support group at the Middle School for LGBT where she teaches and is creating lesson plans. One thing the students want to hear about it is LGBT terminology. I was wondering: what do you call yourself and why? Are you gay, queer, homosexual, bisexual etc. I personally take dyke and fag as offensive , but know that some people use them to describe themselves. Can you explain the differences to me in your eyes?

Anyways, any help would be greatly appreciated if you're comfortable sharing! Also, if you'd feel comfortable asking your significant other if you have one, that would be amazing!

Can you also post where you are from since that might be relevant also?

StacyLH24

C and I both identify as lesbians. I will use gay once in a while, but 99.9% of the time I use lesbian as my identifier.

I'm not a fan of fag nor am I really a fan of homosexual. I have heard the term homo used in mostly a derogatory manner. Homosexual also seems to be the word most used by those who try to use the Bible to criticize us, etc. As a result, I tend to cringe when I hear it. As far as dyke goes, I don't find that to be offensive.

I know some folks tend to further categorize themselves as butch or femme. I can't say that I really feel comfy identifying as either. I feel like I fall in between and I don't think there is a word for that. Others who look at C and I as a couple would probably categorize her as butch and me as femme. I wouldn't say C necessarily fits the butch or femme category either. I know that I overwhelmingly pass as hetero when I'm by myself. This does bother me, but I'm not sure what to do about it, other than wear rainbow jewelry. I dress how I'm comfortable dressing and I feel that changing how I dress would be going against who I am as an authentic person. I used to keep my hair very short. I prefer it that way, but C does not so we compromise. Every once in a while I just chop it all off though and let it grow back.

It boggles my mind that our society must categorize everyone and everything! If you don't fit neatly into a little box then no one knows what to do with you.

We live in southwest NY, about an hour south of Buffalo and 20 minutes from the PA border.

2brides

I identify as gay.  Lesbian seems so....hard (how it sounds on my tongue...not necessarily the connotation of it.) I definitely don't identify as queer or dyke - the connotation to me is very "other" and aside from my relationship, I feel very mainstream - minivan driving soccer mom. Though I know other women who identify as dyke and are soccer moms.

I live near DC - but I think that age has just as much, if not, more to do with how you identify as region. As I was coming out - even in the early 90s - queer was a very negative word. It has since been reclaimed, but not my me.

KH826

I identify mostly as lesbian, but I have also been known to use gay to describe myself. I think my wife would probably say the same thing. I think those are just the terms that we are most comfy with and seem to be the most "us"... I personally don't like d.yke or queer for myself, but I know plenty of people who prefer one or both of those terms over lesbian or gay (which they find to be too traditional or constricting). D.yke and queer just don't feel like they fit me, and I don't think I would be comfortable owning either term for myself.

I think this is a very personal question for folks on the LGBT spectrum, and you will get a wide variety of answers depending on a lot of things including generation, experience, relationship status, geographical area, etc. I also think that the language and termonology surrounding identity and cultural groups is not static, and will always evolve over time. Some of that has to do with politics, some has to do with cultural evolution, and some has to do with pop culture. I don't know if 25 years from now I will still say that lesbian is my term of choice, but it is today.

The beauty of all of this is that these are just words and they mean different things to different people. We each get to decide what feels right to us in the moment, and we have the ability to change our minds.  

newmompeanut

KH826 said:

I identify mostly as lesbian, but I have also been known to use gay to describe myself. I think my wife would probably say the same thing. I think those are just the terms that we are most comfy with and seem to be the most "us"... I personally don't like d.yke or queer for myself, but I know plenty of people who prefer one or both of those terms over lesbian or gay (which they find to be too traditional or constricting). D.yke and queer just don't feel like they fit me, and I don't think I would be comfortable owning either term for myself.

I think this is a very personal question for folks on the LGBT spectrum, and you will get a wide variety of answers depending on a lot of things including generation, experience, relationship status, geographical area, etc. I also think that the language and termonology surrounding identity and cultural groups is not static, and will always evolve over time. Some of that has to do with politics, some has to do with cultural evolution, and some has to do with pop culture. I don't know if 25 years from now I will still say that lesbian is my term of choice, but it is today.

The beauty of all of this is that these are just words and they mean different things to different people. We each get to decide what feels right to us in the moment, and we have the ability to change our minds.  

I think that this is what she's hoping to show her students.  The students all filled out a survey of top things that they are most interested in learning about, and terminology was one of the top topics.  Since the group is just starting out, I think that she's really hoping to show that you should just use what you're comfortable using, but also that some things (ie:ladies) can sometimes be offensive to certain people. 

It 's just supposed to be a group, for middle schoolers, to help and give them a better sense of community and support.



Thank you for weighing in!

healz413

I'm glad to see that the word "dyke" is no longer getting screened by the bump!

I wrote about this in an ask me anything a while back, so I think you have my long answer (let me know if you'd like me to repeat or clarify anything).

I identify as queer and as a dyke. I also sometimes use lesbian and gay. I'm more likely to use gay to describe things, groups, etc. (our big gay Love Party, for instance), though.

I don't like the word homosexual. It is very clinical and is very much rooted in the world of diagnosis.

I tell my first year undergraduate students that they need to be careful with how they use this language. If they're not queer, they should make sure that they use words like "queer" and "gay" and "dyke" only in ways that won't be misinterpreted as derogatory. Unfortunately, they're much more comfortable with using the term "homosexual" because it's what they're more used to seeing/hearing, so I also try to explain to them why this may not be the best choice.

oddduck1979

I identify as human. My sexual preference/orientation, etc doesn't define me. If someone asks, they rarely do. I tell them I'm in a relationship with a female. Neither one of us "looks" the stereotypical lesbian, so people don't ever suspect anything. Worst that had ever happened is people thought she was my child. Ugh

newmompeanut

@healz413, your response to my ask me anything question is what spurred B to ask me to post this for everyone to try to answer.  She really loved your explanation of how you viewed each of the terms! 

SweetPea0307

I also don't really like to use any labels, and rarely find that I have to. I suppose technically I could be classified as bisexual, but I never use that term myself and really don't consider it anyone else's business. If I do use a label, it's "lesbian".

I think part of it is because I never had a traditional "coming out" experience. I started dating my now wife back in high school, so my "coming out" was more of a "I'm dating K" and not "I'm gay/lesbian/queer/etc." So I've never had to pick a word. Ever since then, people only know about my orientation because I talk about K openly and use the words "my wife" a lot.

Also, growing up in CA (and now living in Boston) in the age I have, I was never made to feel that different, so I've never felt the need to claim a space in the LGBT community by picking a label. I've been able to spend a good deal of my adult life not even thinking about the fact that my relationship with my wife is outside of the norm. But babymaking is one of those areas where straight couples have a distinct advantage, so it's been nice to have this board with other gay/lesbian/queer/dyke/whatever-term-you'd-like folks to commiserate with and get advice from.

shelly2314

I think M and I use lesbian when trying to define to other people, but other than that I don't really IDENTIFY as anything.  I think labels are used to make others more comfortable but I do not think that anything I am, love, prefer, etc can be neatly put into one little box.  

wishiwaspreggo

If anyone asks me how I identify, I say bisexual because it's true.  Though I hate the slew of questions and/or condescending comments about it when I tell people.  I was complaining about that on another forum the other day, actually

Just like some people can't imagine being with a man, and some people can't imagine being with a woman, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't be attracted to either.  We're all human beings, right?

In the end, I fell in love with C and don't see that changing so sometimes I just say I'm a lesbian so people don't pester me about "coming to terms" with being gay.  I have some former lesbian friends who firmly believed that I hid behind the bisexual identity because I wasn't comfortable enough with being completely lesbian.  They also thought I hid my "inner butch" because I'm cisgendered.  They're a bit older than C and I (around 40) so I think they may have felt more oppressed during their coming-out phase, but personally I don't think there's one "right" way to express your gender or sexuality.  If YOU are comfortable and happy, then really, that's all that matters.  Everyone else can take a hike.

Last comment: I HATE the word "homosexual".  It's what religious fundamentalists use to scare their congregants into hating gay people.  Because it has the word "sex" in it and automatically they picture deviants and not human beings.  When you ask a conservative what they think of homosexuality, the first thing they'll tell you is about their perceived sexual practices, because that's all they hear about.  Really, it's incredible how preoccupied they are with the mechanics of gay/lesbian sex when they're supposedly so repulsed by it.  It makes me really angry because they never see us as people with emotions, hobbies, careers, relationships, etc.  They just see SEX in big, bold red letters.

Happily, that's becoming less and less prevalent.  But still, I shudder when someone says "homosexual" and I'm quick to correct them.  Fag/dyke has never bothered me... C calls us dykes and it doesn't phase me.  My best friend calls himself a fag.  But when some twerp teenager from the boonies shouts "faggot" out of his car at a man walking down the street, that pisses me off because he's using the word as a weapon and derogatory word.  There's a big difference.

Sorry, that was long-winded!  TL;DR: I identify as bisexual, and I hate the word homosexual

ball.and.chain

Queer is the word that feels the most right to me, but it is not how I define myself to others -- mostly because I feel like a lot of people don't get it and I don't feel like explaining.  In most cases if people asked I would say lesbian.  I have no issue with dyke and use it to refer to others all the time (including my wife), but it doesn't feel like it fits me.

I went to a women's college where there was a very active queer community.  I don't know if it was just that atmosphere, but "queer" always felt the most inclusive to me.  I think it is possible that I am bisexual, but I have never tested that theory -- didn't date in high school (late bloomer), fell in love with a woman in college, never looked back.  But I don't find men entirely unappealing, and I wouldn't completely rule out dating them (or at least trying to!) if I weren't married to my wife.  OTOH, since I am happily married to a woman, hopefully for the long haul, and don't really know if I would enjoy dating men, the bisexual thing seems kind of moot.  Somehow it feels like queer has more room for that flexibility than lesbian though.  I also like that it also means weird, which I am.    My grandmother used to call me queer -- by which she meant strange -- in an affectionate way.

Byrrd

I identify as queer. My sexuality goes beyond the standard one faceted Kinsey scale and is on much more of a curvy line. So, queer it is.